Waiting for Baby Bird

Grieving the Life You Planned

Vulnerable Post Alert: 

Grief hits you at weird moments, doesn’t it?

For me, it happened this morning as I stood facing my bathroom mirror. I was mindlessly putting on my makeup and getting ready for the day when the thoughts of what I imagined my life would look like recklessly hit me like a Mack truck. And then what followed was that all too familiar ping to my heart as I began to feel the hurt and pain in regards to how my life is not going according to plan. Does this mean I think my life is bad? No. But am I where I thought I would be, and is it what I expected and plotted out years ago? Again, no. And it hurts. It causes tears to fall as you realize the dreams you once had are blurry. And the future that you hope remains, somehow also seems blurry.

I realized in that moment that I could tell myself to suck it up and be grateful for all that I do have and all that still remains (which I am), but by ignoring the pain, I wouldn’t be allowing my heart to heal. Our culture is so quick to rush grief and “fake it until we make it” but we need to give ourselves permission to have grace and space to feel and deal; which is what I am allowing myself to do today. I’m not going to shut it down or shove it out. After all, if you had a cut on your hand you wouldn’t tell yourself to stop hurting or pretend it wasn’t there, right? You would immediately take care of it. Therefore, if we know how to take care of cuts to our physical bodies, then why don’t we do that with cuts to our hearts?

I don’t know who this message is for today, but if you are feeling the weight of unmet expectations, please know this: It’s okay to mourn the life you expected. It’s okay to grieve the plans you had made. It’s okay to cry that they didn’t work out. And it’s okay to simply not be okay with it all. Instead, give yourself grace and space to feel and deal. After all, there is no “fake it until you make it” in scripture. In fact, there is just the opposite.

“Those who sow in tears will reap shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

“Jesus wept.” John 11:35


I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on.Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” enter into exclusive giveaways, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

Waiting for Baby Bird

I Prayed Against the Miscarriage, but It Still Happened

{Warning: What you are about to read comes straight from my journal; it is the one in which I write letters to God. This is one I would never have wanted someone to find and read, but yet here I am typing it out for the world to pick apart and judge me for. We all have moments of doubt; this is mine. I share because I know that I can’t be the only one who struggles when prayers go unanswered. So, for you, the one who might also be struggling, may you not feel alone. And may you find hope in the transparency of my words that have poured from my wounded and doubting, yet restored heart.}


Poppa God?

Today is hard. I’m struggling to understand. I pray and it doesn’t seem as though my prayers matter or if they are being heard. I know that it’s not You because I do believe that Your word does not return void. So, what is it about me?

I want to have an effective prayer life.

I want to see results when I pray.

Help me today, Poppa.

{minutes seem to pass}

Is this prayer I am even praying reaching Your ears?

I ask because sometimes when I pray, I feel as though I am playing the lottery–maybe You will answer and maybe You won’t.This mind set is obviously because of past disappointment. For instance, Jessica? You know her. She experienced another miscarriage. ANOTHER ONE, Lord! We prayed. She FOR SURE prayed. Why did this happen?

After experiencing something like this it’s difficult for me (and them) to come to You knowing in confidence that You hear and will answer according to Your word; which says in Exodus 23:25-26 that none will miscarry or be barren.

I’ll admit; sometimes I understand why my prayers aren’t answered because it’s matter of my own preference and will; like that new truck I want my husband to have or the snowfall I wish would happen. But when I pray according to Your word and see the opposite? How can I reconcile with that? How can I walk on stage at infertility conferences and with confidence tell the women that You are not a man that You should lie? Or change Your mind? And how can I say with boldness that when You speak, You act. And when you promise, You always fulfill (Numbers 23:19)? Because not only do I see promises unfulfilled, but many also appear broken.

It hurts my heart to even write that because I know better. My heart and mind seem to be in a tug of war and I’m sorry for these thoughts, however I know that you would rather me come to You with my questions, then run away from You in anger with my doubts. I know that it is here, in this moment, my heart can be healed and my faith restored.

“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

be merciful to me and hear my prayer.” Psalm 4:1

{More time passes by in silence}

I have heard it explained that praying is as simple as breathing, but with the many unanswered prayers and the prayers that didn’t go according to Your word, I feel as though I am gasping for air. Right now, even as I pray, I question what will come of it. I want to have a confident heart when we talk. I want to live in the security of Your promises, but right now, I am sitting in the shadow of my doubts. However I know that just like a shadow forms because a person has turned away from the light, I must stop turning away from You–the One who is light. And the One who is the definition of love.

I know that even in the pain and the questions I can’t lower my theology of who You are to the level of mine (or anyone’s) circumstances. After all, my eyes and my feelings lie. And they don’t see the whole Truth.

Therefore, despite what I see, and what I feel, I must lean on what I believe to be true about You. But help me in my unbelief. Help me to find confidence in You again. I want to dive into your heart today so that in return, I can have a confident heart. A heart that believes when I pray, You will not only hear, but answer.

Let this moment be the last moment that the pricks of disappointment cause me to pull back on the reigns of faith.

Instead, may my spirit rise as I give You a sacrifice of praise. Let my soul declare that even when my circumstances are not good, You are still good. I may not understand why it happened, but because it happened I do understand it is why I need You. Therefore, I won’t turn my back, but I will continue to praise. And I will continue to pray. And I will continue to put my hope in You. For I know that in all things You work for the good of those who love You, who are called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28). I don’t know what good could come from this, but I lean not on my own understanding.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart.” Luke 18:1

My thoughts weeks after writing the above in my journal:

Sickness, death and miscarriage were never a part of God’s plan when He formed us and the Earth. I may never know on this side of heaven why things work out the way they do, but I will still declare He is the same yesterday, today and forever and His plans for life and light…not death and darkness is still His heart.


I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

Resources

Prayers for the Barren

Lord, I pray and I lift up those who are barren due to infertility.

I pray for…

the one who took a test today only to be faced with another negative.

And for…

the one who may have received a positive, but is now facing the harsh reality of a miscarriage.

I pray for…

the one who can’t help but wonder if infertility is her fault, or fear it’s because she has done something wrong.

I also pray for…

the one who bears the weight alone because she can’t seem to tell those around her; therefore goes throughout her day as though everything is fine. But everything is not fine. Not even close.

I also pray for…

the one who watches her sister, cousin, or best friend, and co-worker become pregnant with seemingly no issue while her heart slowly breaks. It’s not because she isn’t happy for them, it’s just that she is grieving her loss of a dream.

I pray for…

the one who does have faith, and hope, and a promise to hold onto but the enemy continually puts fear within her heart of “what if”…”what if” it never happens, or “what if” it wasn’t meant for me…

I pray for…

the one who is going for another round of IVF, or maybe the first, or another type of medical procedure and she is worried about disappointment.

And I pray for…

the one who wonders why she needs medical intervention for such a natural process…

And for…

the one who wonders why she must struggle and fight and use financial means for something others get free.

And I pray for…

the one feeling guilty for those feelings of jealousy, bitterness, and anger that often takes them by surprise and makes them feel less than; when in reality, they are never less than.

Lord, I lift to You all of these and many more. I pray for hope to rise up within what can only feel like a hopeless situation. I pray for peace to overwhelm their anxious minds when at night their tears soak through their pillows. I pray that You uplift their hearts and fill them with strength that surpasses all understanding. Help each of them, Lord, as you breathe life into their dreams and remind them that with You nothing is impossible; not even that one thing they just thought of. Lord, we know that you have a greater plan and are working all things out for their good. Therefore give them a vision, a new perspective to empower them to not give up. Because the reality is this: Their miracle, or breakthrough, may just be around the next bend. Help them to see it, Lord, and not let go if until you tell them to.

In Jesus Name–amen
Lord, having a child feels out of her control. Yet you ask her to not be afraid or discouraged. But goodness! It is so hard to do because she doesn’t know what the future holds and she feels so helpless over the events to unfold. But Lord, remind her today that You have seen her future and there is no reason to feel fear or be discouraged. And it is all because You are there beside her. Holding her hand. Whispering into her ear that the plans You have for her are far better than the ones she has made for herself. Please Lord give her the confidence she needs to trust You and the encouragement to help see her through the uncertainties in life.

In Jesus Name–amenLord, she is weak. She is weary. She isn’t sure how much longer she can go with the way things are. Everyone keeps telling her that a miracle is going to happen and that one day her dreams will be fulfilled, but she can’t help but doubt and question if they are right. She wants to believe…but…it hurts. Help her, Lord to be able to see past her circumstances and into the eyes of Your grace. Remind her of the words You have spoken to her in secret, and the plans You have unfolded to her within her daydreams. Shield her from more pain as you revive her heart to beat in hope again.

In Jesus Name–amen

Lord, when Your answer is “no,” it crushes her. It makes her sob uncontrollable tears as it forces her to fall into bitterness. Anger. And grief. She doesn’t want to feel those feelings, but it’s hard. She knows that You have more planned for her, therefore help her in her weak moments. Remind her that she has not yet reached the end of her journey, even if Your answer is “no” today. Help her to see that You are leading her into a new place, a place she could never imagine or dream of on her own. A place where she is standing on the mountain top, no longer in the valley. But until she reaches that place, please give her the strength to trust in You with the hard disappointments, the lonely silences, and the heartbreaking pain of her circumstances. And help her to see tonight with fresh eyes of faith, and believe with a new wind of hope, that You will soon give her a “yes” as You faithfully fulfill the desires within her heart.

In Jesus Name–amen

Lord, she feels as though living daily with infertility is like running a race in slow motion. She is so exhausted, and everyone seems to fare far better than her at completing the race by not just having one…but two…and three. Undoubtedly, It’s hard for her to watch sometimes.There are days that all she wants to do is stop running, sit down, quit and cry— therefore I ask that You give her the strength she needs to keep going. The hope she needs to keep believing. And the eyes of faith she needs in order to see the blessings You have waiting for her at the finish line.

In Jesus Name–amen

Sweet sister, if you are in need prayer, someone to stand in the gap for you, please do not hesitate to email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com. It would be my honor to go before our Heavenly Father on your behalf. I would also love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!


Also, if you are looking for more support from a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of Waiting for Baby Bird, as well share your heart with others on the same path, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Come find us here!

Waiting for Baby Bird

When the Negative Pregnancy Test Knocks You Down

When trying (and trying and trying) to grow your family a negative pregnancy test can knock you down, am I right? And sometimes when you get knocked down it’s tempting to not get back up. However not in the sense of going through life, but rather in terms of hoping, praying and believing again; especially in the area that God is for you and your dreams.

I know this to be true because yesterday I found myself in that place.

I was late, and because another holiday is fast approaching, I thought about how crazy-awesome it would be to have the opportunity to announce a miracle was growing within me in front of family and friends. Not to mention, who doesn’t like to pee on expensive things, right? Therefore, this morning as the sun peeked between the curtains I jumped out of bed, wiped away the crusties from the corners of my eyes (commonly known as eye boogers in my neck of the woods), and dug out the test I had been saving. Naturally, yet awkwardly, I did my thing, but within milliseconds (not even seconds) it was obvious that what was staring back at me was my 78,564,729* negative since starting this adventure of trying to create a life that has my Bonnie-blue eyes and his cute pudgy nose.

*exaggeration included

It was hard staring face to face with another “no”; maybe even harder than usual due to my higher than normal expectations. I knew that in that moment I could throw a pity party while curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor while asking all of the “why” questions and repeating to myself in between gasping for air that it will never happen. After all, with it being over seven years of waiting, hoping, and praying, I had full rights and I don’t think anyone would have blamed me.

But I didn’t.

I just couldn’t.

Because lately my mantra has been to not be moved by what I see. And not be moved by what I feel. But only be moved by what I believe. And friends, I believe that one day, my healing will come and my womb will be filled. It might be next month and it might not, but I choose to walk by faith and not by cycle.

This is why instead of letting my hopes deferred make my heart sick and hardened, unable to believe again for next month, or the one after that…or the one after that…or even after that, I just nodded my head, and tossed it into the trash. But not before promising myself to not dig it out every five minutes in order to analyze it. Nor run from room to room in the different lighting to see if there was something faint to convince myself of. Nor would I break it open and dissect it like I was in my Junior year of Biology class in order to get a closer look (don’t act like you haven’t done that before).

After all, wouldn’t that have all been torture?

But you know what wasn’t torture after seeing my 78,564,729 negative pregnancy test? Opening my bible and reminding myself of God’s grace as I read the stories of the seven barren women in the bible who after years of infertility conceived and bore life. And it wasn’t torture, but rather life-giving, as I immersed myself in the real-life accounts of Jesus healing all who came to Him in the New Testament. And as I stroked my fingers across Luke 1:45 as though it were braille, I was reminded that If I continued to believe, the Lord would be faithful to fulfill.

However, with that being said, I know it’s not always easy to stand tall and firm in your faith after seeing yet another negative pregnancy test. After all, it’s not always your prayers that seem to be exhausted but also your resources. Therefore, you can’t help but have the faith knocked out of you as you feel defeated; shaken to the core and plagued with fear and doubt. And because the faith has been knocked out, you have been knocked down.

But sweet friend, no matter how tempting it is to lay there in a pit of despair and whisper to yourself words of defeat that God would never say about you or your situation, don’t. At some point make the hard choice to get back up. Because the desires of your heart are more than just wishful dreams, but rather contain a God-given purpose that is worth fighting for.

For He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:9)

Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. (Luke 1:45)

More of my favorite scriptures: 

Fertility

Worried and Fearful

Healing

Discouraged and Despaired

My Favorites

If you or a loved one needs prayer, please do not hesitate to inbox the waiting for baby bird prayer team at waitingforbabybirdprayer@gmail.com. It would be our honor to pray for you!


I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook , or come follow me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!

If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird”, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

Soul Food

As It Turns Out, I Don’t Trust God.


My phone dinged late one evening and I looked down to see a text from a friend.

“So how are you doing?” she asked.

I wanted to put on a smile and type back that I was fine, but in that exact moment, I was anything but fine.

It had only been a couple of days since I had been released from the hospital for the second time in four weeks due to ruptured diverticulitis that left me with a large abscess that needed to be drained using a catheter inserted into my abdomen (you can read more about that scary ordeal here and here). I was still on bed rest, toting around my disgusting drainage bag, which I named Mary, while also taking sponge baths, and requiring help to and from the bathroom.

Sure, the drainage tube that was still inserted into my abdomen appeared to be doing its job and draining the infection, but I was in a lot of pain. However it wasn’t the pain that I was struggling with that night. Or the night before. Or the night before that. It was fear. Fear that the infection wouldn’t drain completely, as sometimes this happens; as well as fear that the hole on my colon wouldn’t close because statistically speaking, they typically don’t. Therefore I knew that if this plan, which was Plan B (because Plan A had already failed), we would need to move on to plan C. And friends, Plan C, which consisted of surgery and a 9-12 month temporary colostomy bag, frightened me to my absolute core.

And so for some strange and bold reason, I told her.

I told her about how I have been in bed for nearly 32 days and it was hard to maintain my hope that this plan would work.

I told her about how I cry and I cry and I cry. Sometimes they are just tears streaming down my face, while other times they are sobs that turn into wailing. I had gone from a strong, faith-filled Christian to one that felt faithless and weak.

I then confessed about how I always thought I trusted God to know and do what was best, but as it turns out, I don’t. Because truth be told, I feared what His version of best looked like for my life. And what He would ask me to walk through.

*sigh*

I am sure she could sense the panic in my words. I mean, how could anyone not? Even you can probably sense it in my recap, right? So of course being the awesome friend that she is (seriously, she is the best), she spoke miraculous healing over my body and declared in faith that I wouldn’t need surgery or a colostomy bag.

But friends, this is where I bared my soul as I shamefully told her that while I believe God performs miracles, right now, in this season of my life, it was extremely difficult to believe that He had one for me. I could believe with 100% certainty that He could open wombs, unblock Fallopian tubes, remove endometriosis, restore sperm, and even as crazy as it sounds grow money on a tree, but close a hole in my colon? Or completely drain an abscess? For some reason, I struggled.

My answers might have been more than what she was wanting but I knew that hiding my fears, ignoring my feelings, or at the very least not being honest with my thoughts would have kept me in bondage, a place the enemy wanted me to be.

He wanted me to live in fear

Remain in doubt.

Be swallowed up in worry.

And camp out in my self-destructive scenarios.

But you know, I hate him enough to do what he wants. Therefore I told my story to anyone who would ask how I was doing; and friends, I discovered that each time I exposed my weaknesses, chains would fall and my confidence in Him would slowly build as they breathed hope into my hopeless situation, healing into my body, and faith into my fears.

It’s been 11 days since I had the first honest conversation with not just my friend, but also with God, and I am happy to report that on July 25th it was confirmed via a CT scan that the hole is closed and the abscess is completely drained. No surgery is required and no colostomy bag is forecasted. The miracle I had prayed for, but doubted would happen, did.

I may not have been able to see it then, but looking back on this nightmare that began on June 18th with my Emergency Room visit and admission into ICU, I can clearly see God’s faithfulness and hand of protection upon me. I have been told by numerous hospital staff that the surgeon on call the day I was rushed to the ER is the best of the best, and the Radiologist who was selected to perform the procedure of inserting the catheter in order to drain the abscess is also a number one pick. Not to mention the nurses He placed in my path to care for me every step of the way were every bit of amazing. I also couldn’t have done it without my friends and family who managed to keep my home clean, my husband fed, and our daughter entertained while I couldn’t.

Sweet friend, I don’t know what it is you are going through, but take it from someone who has been through the fire, and that is this: it’s going to be okay. Yes, it might be painful. You might not get through it as quick as you would like and the fear might be crippling at times, but keep believing that even if you can’t see His hand working, you can still trust His heart.

And His heart is to heal, restore, comfort, protect, and love.

My prayer today is that through sharing my testimony of a miracle, it would give you an extra boost to believe in God for the miracle you need as well. He is not a respecter of persons (Romans 2:11), therefore what He did for me, He bends down to whisper that He wants to do the same for you! He is the Lord who is not only able but also willing. And I am proof.

 “I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

July 14th—struggling to walk

On July 21st, after 3 weeks of a liquid diet, I was finally able to eat this bowl of heaven (aka…mac and cheese)

Yay! On July 25th, after 13 long and painful days, the drainage tube is finally being removed!


For more posts written on this health scare, please click on the following links:

ICU, Diverticulitis, and a Colostomy Bag

A Liquid Diet, Sponge Baths, and a Drainage Bag Named Mary


I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook, or come follow me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you.If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird”, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!