My morning alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed and into the kitchen. I make myself a cup of coffee and retreat to my office to check my email. The first message I see, and open, is from another infertility sister. I do not know her personally, but as she begins telling me her story and thanking me for the hope she has found through mine, I feel a punch in my gut.
After all, she is thanking me for the encouragement I have brought her while waiting for my miracle, therefore why would I feel the wind get knocked out of me? I’ll tell you why, but it’s not easy. Nor is it pretty. In fact, it’s ugly as it makes me exposed and vulnerable. But I realize by exposing my weaknesses, it might also bring relief to another as it brings them comfort to know that the feelings they might have, even if momentarily, are normal. So here it goes…
That punch, that slight gasp of air, it came because within her testimony she shared how three weeks prior, after fighting infertility for two years, she surrendered her situation over to God. And that’s awesome, right? In my head, I had brisk hand claps going strong and loud, but then the hand clapping came to a sudden stop when I continued to read how exactly three weeks after her “ah-ha moment of surrender,” she found herself miraculously staring at two precious pink lines. The same two pink lines I have been longing for. And friends, that’s when I felt the punch. Because, that was hard to read. It was hard because I have been surrendering to God my situation…my desire…my pursuits…every day for years, and yet I am still waiting for my breakthrough…my miracle.
And here she is, three weeks later, pregnant. And I am not.
But it doesn’t stop.
Two more weeks pass by and the same routine transpires. I get up. Stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of coffee and then proceed to nestle myself down within my comfy chair to check my email. After deleting the spam, and flagging the important ones to read later, I come across one in particular with the subject line that said, “My first prayer!” Intrigued, I quickly open it up and begin reading a story from a woman whom I have never had contact with before. She mentioned how she occasionally reads my blogs and felt as though I was a joke…my faith was a joke…and my belief in prayer was a joke. However, despite her unbelief, she decided “to give this prayer thing a shot” as she prayed her first prayer in nearly 12 years right before her 7th IUI. I was excited to hear that perhaps I inspired her to believe in prayer and the power of God, that is until I kept reading and learned it worked. To be transparent, I couldn’t believe it. Not necessarily the IUI, but the prayer. I know, not my proudest moment or thought, but I couldn’t help it. Because I pray. In fact, I have eaten more carpet fibers at the altar while praying, yet I am still waiting…. waiting for my breakthrough…my miracle.
Yet, here she is, pregnant after only one prayer. And I am not, after many.
It’s so easy for me to allow my heart to become tangled with thoughts that I am not doing enough. My faith is not enough. Or that I haven’t surrendered enough. It’s easy for me to see their “yes” as God telling me “no”. Or that my prayers are being ignored. And oh, how quick it is for me to go down the rabbit hole with thoughts that it’s because I am being punished for past sin. Or I am refused healing because it’s only for her…or him…but not for me.
And maybe you too? Perhaps you have hurled silent screams at another woman who is pregnant…while you still wait.
If so can I speak Truth to your heart? Truth that I often need to hear myself? The woman who surrendered, and the one who said her first prayer, neither of them are better than me; nor did they get God’s attention first. It’s simply this: His plan for each of our lives are different…and with that comes a different timeline. Because their future child…my future child…and even your future child…they all have a divine purpose. And with that comes bringing them into the world at just the right moment in order to fulfill that important role already set aside in history.
Just think, if Zechariah and Elizabeth, whom the New Testament says were old and barren (Luke 1:5-25), had their prayers answered when they wanted, they would have just had John. But God had a different plan. A better plan. And that was to give them more than just a John, but a John the Baptist. A son who would pave the way for Jesus.
Friend, if you are like me, and have become envious toward another woman who is standing in the promise that you so desperately desire for your life, don’t fall into the enemy’s trap. For he wants you to believe that God will not say, or give, or provide for you too. He will also want you to become jealous of the way God has brought breakthrough into someone else’s life. Therefore wanting you to think how it is unfair about the fact that they might have had a quick success, seemingly without effort, while you have to struggle and suffer. But God is not a respecter of persons (Romans 2:11).
Part of overcoming the obstacle of envy and jealousy, is trusting that God’s plan for each of is perfect. It might not seem fair at times, He might seem as though He is slower to act with some than with others, but God does know what He is doing. And He has an endless supply of love, power, mercy and grace to heal each of our bodies, and fulfill the dreams He has specifically placed within each of our hearts. I want you to believe that. Because if you do, then the enemy of your soul will be defeated. His mission is to steal, kill and destroy your hope, your dreams, and your future (John 10:10).
Therefore, the question becomes this: what are you going to do? When you want to hurl silent screams at another woman, are you going to allow these moments to make you bitter or better? To increase your faith or tear it down?
Together, let’s make the choice when we see someone else receive the gift we have been earnestly praying for help build our hope, challenge our faith, and believe that if God desires to bless them, then we can be certain He desires to not just bless us, but bless us according to His word; which is to give each of us exceedingly above all we could ever hope for, dream of, or begin to imagine (Eph. 3:20). You can think of it like this: perhaps the miracle you have been praying for, God has a bigger one in store. Because while you might be praying for a John, He has a John the Baptist waiting instead.
“For God does not show favoritism.” Romans 2:11
“Then Peter replied, “I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism.” Acts 10:34
“The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us” Ephesians 3:20
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