Waiting for Baby Bird

Infertility: It’s Just Not Fair!

“You delivered a baby today? All I did was fold a load of laundry and dust the house!”

The entire room erupted in sounds of laughter. Still, as everyone continued to enjoy their pizza while listening to my doctor friend tell this crazy birthing story of a teenager who couldn’t reach the foot pedals and her baby daddy who already had a 2-week-old infant from another girl, I began fuming on the inside. I was kicking, screaming, and throwing the biggest three-year-old temper tantrum fit you had ever seen in the middle of the cereal aisle. And honestly, I could have cared less that this baby daddy who couldn’t keep his pants on or that she, a child herself, could conceive so easily. What I cared about the most was the unfairness of it all! Why did I have to suffer? Why did I have to endure the heartache and pain of infertility? Why did I have to pay thousands of dollars for treatments, supplements, and other medicines even to have a chance to conceive a child?  But for them? And so many others? Bada bing-bada boom, and poof…baby!

This temper tantrum I was throwing took me by surprise because it’s not often I think about how life isn’t fair. Growing up, I was taught that life was just that…unfair. We live in a fallen world, and bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. God allows it to rain on the just and unjust (Matthew 5:45). It’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But on this night, and for some peculiar reason, all I could think about was how I didn’t deserve this!

And maybe you have the same thoughts. Maybe you want just to lay down and throw a three-year-old fit too. Or perhaps you already have. And more than once. Well, sister, I get it. Because it’s not fair. We don’t deserve this. But there is one truth I always cling to in these moments that keep me held together, and that this: even in the unfairness, even in pain, and the lifeless situations we face, I believe God is still on the move; He is still up to something. And when we think He is silent, He is simply working behind the scenes causing all things to come together for our good (Rom. 8:28).

God knows life isn’t fair. His Son, the One who loved without borders, healed the sick, raised the dead, and fed thousands of men and women with just a little boys Lunchable, was betrayed and sold to hang on the cross to die not for his own sins, because he was sinless, but for our sins. Where is the fairness in that? If Jesus faced unfairness, what makes me, or you, think we will not experience it as well? A not very comforting thought, uh? And I realize this, which is why I don’t find peace in the fact that Jesus also faced circumstances that were unjust and unfair or pain He didn’t deserve, but rather because he went through them, something beautiful and amazing came out of it.

Our salvation.

And sweet sister, that is what brings me comfort. That is what gives me peace in the unfairness of it all. You see, in case you missed the point, Jesus overcame his lifeless situation, and I have crazy hope to believe that you and I will too. So stop and take a breath…and then another one. Because God is not surprised by the unfairness you face, nor is He unsure or baffled about how He will take care of that situation which seems ridiculously unfair and, most of all, undeserving to you. He has your back. Therefore as hard as it is not to let your emotions overtake you or allow your limited perspective to guide your thoughts, choose instead to trust in His sovereignty. And believe through the eyes of faith that while you might be facing a heartbreaking Friday, your resurrection Sunday is coming.

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15 thoughts on “Infertility: It’s Just Not Fair!”

  1. How do you remain faithful? I don’t mean this in a bad way, but it’s such a broken situation. 3 yrs ago my husband and I and our faith and circumstances as christians were at the best place ever to bring a baby into our lives and home. This horrible process has destroyed us. And I don’t know why God would allow this. In this time that we have tried and failed, people that are not christians have had babies, people that curse, drink, smoke and aren’t the best people have babies. People who marry unequally yoked have their mixed religion baby and there’s me, who has named her 3 babies with their strong biblical names yet to even have 1 positive pregnancy test and so much of money and failed fertility treatments down. I have not been to church since Christmas Day. I pray daily because that’s what christians do but it’s a hopeless prayer and I have no desire to futilely go to church because that’s what it seems to me. Futile. God doesn’t hear me, he doesn’t bless me. The less faithful are the ones who get blessings. I’m not saying I want to be less faithful, I have just lost everything because of this infertility. So that is why I wonder how u can be so faithful, maybe secretly I wish I could too despite all this and maybe that’s why I have no peace. But maybe I was never a strong faithful enough Christian to begin with. So many maybes…

    1. Hey sugars! It’s so hard to keep the faith in the midst of life’s trials. I have learned over the years that I can’t let my faith be led by my feelings or my circumstances because both of those things can change in an instant. But God? His love, His character, His faithfulness, His Word…those things will never change. And so what I am facing today, might not be what I am facing tomorrow and I would hate to lose my faith and my love for God just because things aren’t going my way in the moment. Is it always easy to have this mindset? NOPE! But I am a stubborn gal and I know that the enemy would love nothing more than to see my relationship with God crumble! He is our real enemy. Not the girl who gets pregnant that we think doesn’t deserve it. Or the person who doesn’t take care of their kiddos. Also, we are not God. We have a limited perspective and so I have to remind myself that I don’t know what is best for this world or each person. I have to make the choice daily to trust that He has everything under control even if it doesn’t look like it is. I also have to remind myself that I don’t serve God or worship Him based upon what He can do for me…or what I hope He will do for me. Instead, I love and worship Him because of who He is. I also have to remind myself daily that my circumstances do not necessarily coincide with God’s love for me. But rather His love has been shown to me by what He did for me on the cross. And for me, that is enough. This life and everything in it is temporal. But our relationship with Him is what matters and what is eternal. Is it hard to always remember this and keep putting my foot forward? No. But I have also learned that running away from Him doesn’t make life easier; it makes it harder. IF you ever want to chat or vent or whatever, please email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com anytime! I am always here for you! I don’t want you to have to walk this alone and i don’t want your relationship with God to suffer. I hate the enemy and I hate what he is doing to you. xoxo

      1. Your beautiful response touched my heart tonight. I’m struggling and your answer to the other woman struggling with fertility answered, so many of my own questions. Whether, or not, I get pregnant doesn’t indicate God’s love for me! Boy, is that an eye opener, and a tear jerker! I always think maybe it’s because I need to do this or that, or don’t do this or that. It’s SO hard working in the medical field seeing pregnant person after person. Yes, I’ve had my moments of why does this person get to be pregnant? They’re not fit, they don’t even know how they got pregnant, etc. Those thoughts though are jealous thoughts. Thoughts of how unfair my circumstances are. In my world I’m all about fairness, so something unfair is hard to swallow. I came from a family where mom promoted fairness. Now as an adult and “dog mom” I promote the same fairness. I never thought of it as the enemy attacking me and putting those thoughts of, “I’m broken, not good enough, God’s choosing not to bless me,” in my head. Thank you for sharing your heart and the biblical wisdom that you’ve discovered. This is one heck of an emotional battle. It’s so hard not being able to hear God verbally, or feel his hug physically. I think this is where the stronger women help the more fragile women keep it together, and build strength and faith in God. Sometimes you need someone to believe it for you, so that you can believe it yourself. Thank you for challenging my heart, and opening my eyes.

      2. Awe, Denise! Thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt response. Please know that I just prayed for you! God sees your tears. He hears your cries and He is faithful to you! We often look for God’s faithfulness in the destination but He can also be found in the detours…on the roads we didn’t pack for, plan for, or anticipate. But keep looking for Him. He is there and He is leading the way. It just might be the long way around! love ya!

    2. I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve been there and have felt the same way. The last miscarriage I had I lost it to the point I wanted to burn down the hospital. I lost my faith and was mad at God for doing this to me for the 4th time
      I said would never come to him again. I went home and for 3 days I didn’t even think of him, but those 3 days I could not sleep. One night I began to throw things around my room and started feeling scared of what I had become. That same night I got on my knees and said God I’m sorry. I can’t go another day without you. Please help me understand your reasons and get it through my head. I told myself I was not going to let this terrible experiences destroy my faith. So I began to go to church every Sunday and Wednesday and committed my life more to the Lord. He has helped me understand why and has shown me things I need to fix before I am blessed with a child. I have faith and know one day I’ll will be holding my precious Victoria in my arms. Don’t lose faith and praise him even if you’re stumbling. God Bless!

    3. Dear myhopeforababy,
      I am lifting you up in prayer tonight sister. I know how much your heart is aching. In July my husband and I lost our baby and since I too have found it hard to keep the faith but I am praying for a miracle for us both tonight! May you have peace and feel the presence of the lord in your life. I pray you get your miracle, friend. Please don’t stop believing.

    4. myhopeforababy, I would encourage you to read the book “Wait and See” by Wendy Pope, it opened my eyes and helped me heal after months of bitterness and anger towards God after multiple failed fertility treatments and 2 miscarriages. I’ll be praying for you and your husband.

  2. So, so good girl. Tears were rolling at the end. I’ve been having a lot of temper tantrums lately and needed some redirection. Thank you for always putting things into perspective. Very wise my friend, very wise.

  3. I’m sorry you’re struggling 😦 I know first hand how hard that can be and I have also been dealing with PCOS and all the fallout from it for years. I think your post was reflective of how we have all felt at times, it’s hard to not feel like it’s “just not fair”
    That being said some of the people who commented on your post have made me feel pretty sad. Basically saying non-Christians and those of – what I can only assume are mixed race marriages and “mixed religions” don’t deserve to have babies? That’s pretty terrible. I understand that grief & anger twists the mind but I would hope they find less hate in their hearts one day.
    You don’t have to be a Christian to be a good or deserving parent. Infertility doesn’t discriminate race or religion, everyone suffers equally in this heartbreak.

    1. I really needed this today, I have been struggling so much lately and letting my emotions get the best of me… last night in church I broke down, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom where I cried even harder…I don’t even know what really set me off but it was a low moment for me. It’s just hard seeing everyone else around you getting pregnant so easily but it’s so hard for me.

  4. I stumbled across your post and am so sorry you are struggling with infertility. You had a beautiful post that I’m sure many will relate to and find comfort in.have you heard of NaProtechnology the Creighton Model System? It’s a system of fertilitycare and really gets to the underlying cause of infertility versus just masking it. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions or reach out to find a practitioner near you!! God bless you!

  5. Elisha, I truly believe that infertility is one of the darkest and most difficult things that men and women can go through. And please know that YOU are a light in that darkness. I know it’s not always easy to be that light. It can be a burden. But I appreciate your honesty and beauty in this horrible circumstance. He is TRULY using all of this pain for your good. I’m praying for you, sweet sister. Thank you for what you write, say, and live. xoxo

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