Yesterday I saw her. She was standing to my left, two rows up with her hands raised in worship; her beautiful pregnant belly slightly peeking out. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else in that moment because once I noticed her silhouette in the darkness among the stage lights, questions swirled around in my head like a tornado. Questions like…
What about me, Lord?
Am I not good enough?
Is my faith not strong enough?
Or is it my worship?
Perhaps it’s my prayers?
Maybe it’s because you do not see me as being a loving mother?
Standing there numb, unable to sing, let alone lift my hands in worship, I remembered powerful words spoken once by a friend. She said, “Jealousy is a symptom from a lack of faith. It is the belief that God is not big enough to use both of us and His plan isn’t big enough to need both of us. Jealousy is just the belief that God doesn’t really love me as much as He loves them. Jealousy is just a feeling of unworthiness. And jealousy is rooted in a lie.”
In that moment, I believed that I was not good enough. And that she was loved more. Worth more. Heard more.
But my friend was and is right. Because as I continued to watch her worship, I remembered a time when I was a school counselor. The teenagers I mentored would do this very thing that I was doing and it would drive me crazy. It would always start when I would tell one student that they were doing a great job, but a few desks over another student would shout out, “But what about me, Mrs. Kearns?” The obvious answer was, “Yes”, I was proud of their hard work as well. But because I took a moment to affirm one student and didn’t say the same words to another… at the exact same time…they assumed I didn’t feel the same way about them. Or that I was not going to turn to them and say it at all.
And as much as I wished my students wouldn’t do this, I realized I was doing the same thing. I saw someone with something I thought I also deserved and began to question my worth and God’s love for me too.
But the truth is this, friends. I am not less than her. And God? He is not a respecter of persons (Rom 2:11). He has an endless supply of love, power, mercy and grace for our lives and just because someone else is hearing the words or receiving the gift or standing in the promise that we so desperately desire for our lives, it does not mean that He will not say, or give, or provide for me and you too. He is not going to run out of “Yes’s” before He gets to us! He’s not going to turn His back and not fulfill the desires He has placed in our hearts. And He is not going to run out of time and make it too late for it to happen either. For His plans are perfect, His word is true, and His timing is impeccable.
Sweet friend, I know it’s hard, but let’s allow the moments when others around us are being blessed increase our faith rather than tear it down. Let’s allow it to build our hope and change our perspective to believe in confidence that if God desires to bless them, then we can be certain that He desires to not just bless us, but bless us according to His word; which is exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever hope for, dream of or begin to imagine.
“For God does not show favoritism.” ~ Romans 2:11
“So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech.” ~ 1 Peter 2:1
“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” ~Proverbs 14:30
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,” ~Ephesians 3:20
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