Am I Not Good Enough for a Baby, God?

am-i-not-good-enough-for-a-baby-godYesterday I saw her. She was standing to my left, two rows up with her hands raised in worship; her beautiful pregnant belly slightly peeking out. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else in that moment because once I noticed her silhouette in the darkness among the stage lights, questions swirled around in my head like a tornado. Questions like…

What about me, Lord?

Am I not good enough? 

Is my faith not strong enough?

Or is it my worship?

Perhaps it’s my prayers?

Maybe it’s because you do not see me as being a loving mother?

Standing there numb, unable to sing, let alone lift my hands in worship, I remembered powerful words spoken once by a friend. She said, “Jealousy is a symptom from a lack of faith. It is the belief that God is not big enough to use both of us and His plan isn’t big enough to need both of us. Jealousy is just the belief that God doesn’t really love me as much as He loves them. Jealousy is just a feeling of unworthiness. And jealousy is rooted in a lie.”

In that moment, I believed that I was not good enough. And that she was loved more. Worth more. Heard more.

But my friend was and is right. Because as I continued to watch her worship, I remembered a time when I was a school counselor. The teenagers I mentored would do this very thing that I was doing and it would drive me crazy. It would always start when I would tell one student that they were doing a great job, but a few desks over another student would shout out, “But what about me, Mrs. Kearns?” The obvious answer was, “Yes”, I was proud of their hard work as well. But because I took a moment to affirm one student and didn’t say the same words to another… at the exact same time…they assumed I didn’t feel the same way about them. Or that I was not going to turn to them and say it at all.

And as much as I wished my students wouldn’t do this, I realized I was doing the same thing. I saw someone with something I thought I also deserved and began to question my worth and God’s love for me too.

But the truth is this, friends. I am not less than her. And God? He is not a respecter of persons (Rom 2:11). He has an endless supply of love, power, mercy and grace for our lives and just because someone else is hearing the words or receiving the gift or standing in the promise that we so desperately desire for our lives, it does not mean that He will not say, or give, or provide for me and you too. He is not going to run out of “Yes’s” before He gets to us! He’s not going to turn His back and not fulfill the desires He has placed in our hearts. And He is not going to run out of time and make it too late for it to happen either. For His plans are perfect, His word is true, and His timing is impeccable.

Sweet friend, I know it’s hard, but let’s allow the moments when others around us are being blessed increase our faith rather than tear it down. Let’s allow it to build our hope and change our perspective to believe in confidence that if God desires to bless them, then we can be certain that He desires to not just bless us, but bless us according to His word; which is exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ever hope for, dream of or begin to imagine.

“For God does not show favoritism.”  ~ Romans 2:11

“So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech.” ~ 1 Peter 2:1

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” ~Proverbs 14:30

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,” ~Ephesians 3:20

 

With Love


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22 thoughts on “Am I Not Good Enough for a Baby, God?

  1. “Jealousy is a symptom from a lack of faith. It is the belief that God is not big enough to use both of us and His plan isn’t big enough to need both of us. Jealousy is just the belief that God doesn’t really love me as much as He loves them. Jealousy is just a feeling of unworthiness. And jealousy is rooted in a lie.” <- YES! So good. ❤

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  2. Jealousy can also be a symptom of some unforgiveness on our part. For example, being mad at God, or realizing that deep down there’s a part of you that needs to forgive him, in a sense, for this. And it can also sometimes not be jealousy, per-se, but an attack from the evil one, whispering into our ears that we’re not good enough, when really the opposite is true- we are SO good and SO loved that God is willing to let us endure suffering in order to perfect us and make us into the person that he wants us to be.

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  3. Your faith is truly remarkable. I admire it so much. While I am nowhere near as faithful as you, I can recognize the power and beauty in it ❤️

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  4. We are all good enough, but I know what you mean. After my 13th month on Cloud and my 11th IUI, I felt lost and beyrayed. Still no baby. I thought my life was over and I was useless, but God helped me see my purpose. He helped me help others who are struggling to conceive. He gave me strength to complete my Masters in Holistic Nutrition and start a new business at age 50. I an The Goddess of Natural Fertility and love every minute!

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  5. This is such a good reminder. After years of infertility, my first baby was stillborn last week. It’s a horrific thing and it’s so hard not to demand answers from God. Am I not good enough? Am I being punished? Why don’t I get a baby too? But that childlike faith has to get you through. There is nothing else that will do.

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  6. I struggled with this probably for the first two years of my infertility. I have a daughter with special needs and someone said that ” God would not give me more than I could handle” It hurr so much. I felt like God didn’t think I was good enough or strong enough yet women who didn’t want children or who were using drugs or any other scenario I could think of were getting baby after baby. It took along time for me and that person to realize that that wasn’t from him. He did not cause my infertility because of my shortcomings. It was a hard thing to get past and I am thankful I now know in my heart that I am enough and he is not punishing me. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are amazing and give me so much hope in this journey and just in my journey as a woman of God. I can’t wait to witness all of God’s promises come to pass for you. Xoxo

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  7. Yes at times I’ve cried out and wailed so loudly at God. God I know I’m a sinner. Please help my faith grow as I continue to depend on your unconditional love. Thank you sweet sister for the inspiring post. You are awesome. God bless you sweetheart!

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  8. I feel the same way! I have faith, but sometimes I wonder why her and not me! Or sometimes I compare myself with the other person and think I’m better than her! It’s a terrible feeling! Terrible! I asked for God forgiveness as much as I could! One friend said the other day something that helped.. she said that life is an eternal lesson of faith. That through life we are going to have our faith tested multiple times.

    Since I discovered my problem, I always praid to God telling him that I belived that he knows what’s best for me, that I trusted him, that if it was for me to be pregnant he would give me that blessing! If it was best for me to adopt, that I would follow his plans!

    But would I? Am I that conformed? No! When my first IVF went wrong (last week) I was devastated! I was asking why me! I was angry! In caught myself looking at a pregnant woman and thinking “she must have something wrong in her life! She is going to be a mom but something is wrong! My life is perfect so far, so maybe that’s why it came to her!”

    AGAIN! I was not being a christian at all! I was being selfish! And I was being unfaithfull to my Lord! She deserves being fully happy!

    It’s a big lesson of faith! Big! And I’m still crawling! I don’t know if I’m going to be pregnant, but I know He will give me the blessing of being a mom! That I believe!

    The faith is all that I have left now!

    Sorry for the spelling mistakes! I’m Brazilian and my cel is correcting every word!

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  9. Elisha, I’ve been where you are. Your words are my words. My sisters were pregnant at the same time, twice. Why wasn’t I getting what I wanted? Why was it so easy for them? What was wrong with me? We took a year off from our fertility quest to both get part-time jobs, in addition to our full-time jobs. We paid off bills and began saving money for a yet-to-be-born bundle. I prayed, I felt I had enough faith to fill the ocean, what more did I need? What more did I need to be doing? The truth is, God was preparing me. Is He preparing you? I had lots of medical help on my journey to motherhood with our first blessing. She was born in August of 1993. Then I found out I had PCOS. What the heck was that? Lots more medical procedures, still trying to get pregnant and give our girl a sibling. Nothing worked. Then in September of 2000 I found out I was pregnant. Then three weeks later our hopes were dashed when the pregnancy miscarried. More praying, lots more testing and pounding the fertility pavement. Nothing worked. One of the answers I heard to a prayer was, “I want that for you, too.” I waited….sometimes patiently, sometimes not so patiently. In 2005, at the age of 41, I found out I was pregnant. My daughter was 12 years old and about to be a sister. People chided us and ribbed us for having a baby at our ages (husband was also 41). I didn’t care. I was elated to be experiencing it all again. We had a little boy in July of 2006.

    My sister’s SIL just adopted a little girl. She’s 41. She waited a very long time. She wondered the same things you’ve queried.

    I hope you don’t have to wait until your 40s to experience motherhood. I will offer this, though. Having babies later in life keeps you younger than you ever thought possible. I am enmeshed in a world of “boy” things. I discuss Pokémon, video games, cars, and revel at the way the male mind works. I get to see it from the ground up. It’s fascinating. I also get to experience a completely different life with my daughter. She’s on her own, engaged to be married and I get to be involved in helping her make her house a home, by offering opinions on “kitchen stuff” and “bathroom stuff”, and all things domestic.

    I love my life. I love shocking people with the ages of my children and the huge gap between them. God has a great sense of humor. 🙂 I think I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The fertility battle and the PCOS issues brought some wonderful people to my life, so I embrace it all….the struggle, the fatigue, being on my knees in heart-felt commune with my Lord, it all helped me to be a better me. it continues to shape me and helps me to connect with other women on a very intimate and real level. Sometimes it’s hard to find that in today’s world.

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  10. there are times when the enemy tries to convince me that I’m not a full woman without having experienced pregnancy (yet). I am a full woman. I will be pregnant. Even though we are on try #56 or #57 (without once having a positive pregnancy test), it will come to pass. “For He calls into existence things that are not as though they were and they come to pass.”

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    • I think for every person struggling to conceive it is a different answer. I am a foster mother and while I love this princess more than anything I still long and have a strong desire to carry a child in my womb.

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      • Thank goodness, God doesn’t lives among us, if that’s the case because this “strong desire” of a mother will mute Him for good.

        I imagine, what you can’t carry in your womb, you must carry it in your heart. Earth to me is a mother, I walk on it belly all the times, yet it doesn’t complain that I have a different biology. Yet, it is not a greater mother than you are and you can be.

        Anyways, I wouldn’t dare to awake a competition between you two.

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