The Things an Infertile Will Do

Laughing Your Way Through Infertility:  The Things an Infertile Will Do

In the world of infertility you will try just about anything including silly rituals and believing in crazy superstitions all in the belief they might increase your odds of becoming pregnant.  You have tried drinking a special tea, eating a certain food (yams, berries, oysters, pineapples, or watermelon seeds just to name a few) and drinking nasty fertility smoothies, as well as, chugging snotty okra water for breakfast, lunch and supper.

you drank what

There are even baby booties under your pillow for good luck and dust bunnies lurking underneath your bed all because Great Auntie Gertie mentioned at the last family reunion that this old wives tale of not sweeping under her bed, helped conceive five children (and it’s a free pass to stop cleaning).  You have even tried both superstitions of drinking water from the glass of a pregnant woman during ovulation and sitting in her chair for 15 minutes a day during the two-week wait.

And Meat?  What’s that?!  Carbs and sugar?  Those haven’t touched your lips in months.   And you have even written a good-bye letter to your morning cup of coffee.  Books on fertility?  You have them all and they are on your nightstand, next to the toilet, hidden in your desk drawer at work, and stashed away in your purse (there might still be one tucked away in the glove compartment box of the car).  You have not only read them once, but fifty times; forwards and backwards and each section is highlighted.   You stay away from hot showers, Jacuzzi tubs, and saunas but wear knee-length tube socks in 100 degree weather because you read once it helps create a warm and inviting uterus.  Your husband is also no longer wearing briefs and you are now sportin’ around a uni-brow because a woman in a fertility chat room mentioned the wax could be affecting your fertility.  Sounds silly, but why not?

unibrow

But this week, you have stopped wearing deodorant because you read on Wikipedia (or maybe it was someone’s Facebook status update…you can’t remember) that it was affecting your ability to conceive.  Of course there is no concrete medical proof, but sister Suzie’s cousin who has a friend that lives in Chicago, knows of a girl who stopped wearing it and got pregnant that same day!  Worth a shot, right?

What if it is true your Lady Speed Stick penetrates into your armpit, travels down through your stomach to your uterus and produces an anti-fertility chemical? No medical professional has suggested you stop wearing it, but in your head, it makes logical sense, right?  I mean you put your pillows, your husband’s pillows and the pillows off the couch under your tush after “whoopie” for an hour, eat five pineapple cores a week, and have brass wind chimes hanging on your front porch to increase your chi, so what’s the big deal in ditching your deodorant for that .001% chance of increasing your fertility?

But If this doesn’t work by next week, you are moving on to either “not trying so hard” and ” just relaxing” by “taking a vacation to Hawaii” or finally taking Cousin Sally’s advice of “adopting”.  Everyone gets pregnant doing those things… (insert eye roll).

cat bikini 3

I want to emphasize that this post is not meant to be mean or make fun of anyone.  I’ll be the first to admit that even though I believe that the power of prayer, speaking God’s word, and having faith and patience are the key ingredients to bringing life to a barren womb, I have either tried or seriously contemplated most, if not all of these things in order to increase my fertility.  

In fact, this post stemmed from me seriously considering the idea of ditching my deodorant due to the harsh chemicals that could be affecting my over all health; but perspiration, sweat rings, and the “oh! is that me?!” odor coming from my pits when I wave hello, is no laughing matter. In fact, it might actually hinder my fertility as it could “kill the mood”.  Therefore, if you are like me, but can’t seem to go the “all natural” route, I have found a DIY deodorant recipe from my friend at Sophisticated Hippie that will not only keep you smelling ‘fresh and so clean, clean’ but also give you that .001% increase you need to boost your fertility.  After all, the wind chimes on your front porch are just annoying you and the headstands after sex are just causing you migraines…

What you need:

  • Baking Soda
  • Corn Starch
  • Coconut Oil
  • Essential Oils (optional)
  • Container

Instructions:

(This is so simple that you really don’t need the pictures, but why not? Pictures have been provided by Sophisticated Hippie)

baking soda 1

 Use equal parts of baking soda (I used 1/4 cup)

corn starch

…and corn starch (1/4 cup)

cocunut oil

Add enough coconut oil to create the right spreadable consistency.  This will depend on a couple of things.  1.  The temperature of the oil because coconut oil will melt in the heat and become solid in cooler temperatures.  2.  The type of consistency you prefer.

final product

Next, add Essential Oils if you are using them.

in container

Ta da!  That’s it!  Just put the mixture in a container and you are good to go.

Okay, so I’m guessing some of you may be asking how this goes from the container to your pits?  According to my friend, it is simple.  All you need to do is scoop some onto your fingers and rub it in.  I know, I know!   It sounds strange, a bit odd, and maybe even awkward if your significant other is standing nearby; but I guess sometimes you just gotta put on your big girl panties and do it.  It’s all for the cause my dear.

old lady big girl panties

Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility” and if you need some additional humor or missed the last post, “Spoon Full of Sugar ,” then you can find it by clicking here.

As always, I hope you have a great week and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination. 

XOXO

 

 

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48 thoughts on “The Things an Infertile Will Do

  1. This is hilarious! I’ll never forget while I was reading TCoYF, stuffed into my desk drawer at work, and hiding during my lunch hour inhaling the ins and outs of the book, someone asked if I was learning to garden….. Why, yes. I am hoping to learn a little about gardening. May not be the type of gardening they expected, but nonetheless, the same 😉 LOVE YOU

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  2. Wow. I did the same thing last month- switched to an all-natural deodorant (Tom’s) from antiperspirant for the very same reason. 0.001% is just that much more of a chance, right?! 🙂 Glad to know others are having the same thoughts at about the same time I am!

    If the all-natural stuff doesn’t work so well, I love Tom’s and just found an Arm & Hammer version that’s all natural and smells pretty good too

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  3. Thanks for the laughs! On a side note, I have been making that deodorant for about (mine uses arrowroot powder not cornstarch) and I have found it to be the BEST deodorant I have ever used (although I’m still not pregnant 😉

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  4. Lol i am so guilty of remedies. I have even taken that nasty liquid Geritol because of the saying, there’s a baby in every bottle Lol.

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  5. Ha! Oh how I’ve tried it all too…what we put ourselves through I tell ya 🙂 Gonna have to try that deodorant recipe though..because I’ve tried the “natural” deodorants in the store…and they Deo-don’t work…my dogs told me…ha! Thanks…always love your posts…thanks Elish!! xoxo

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  6. Too funny Elisha! I’m glad you’re keeping your sense of humor through all of this! Thanks for making me laugh too 🙂

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  7. ahahahaha :)))) i think that ANYONE who has spent over two years in fighting infertility should be awarded a honorary degree in global health care (or nutrition at least!!) it is truly amazing how much information women need to cope with and how much they get to learn about their fertility…

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  8. That cat meme is just too funny! I have never heard of the okra water, but that one def takes the cake. Yikes! I commend you on the natural deodorant too. That is one I have tried to do naturally so many times and I just can’t bring myself to stick with it! It really is bad for us with all the chemicals in it.

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    • The okra water was something I did for months. I read online that it helps diabetics with insulin resistance and that is a hug problem with those struggling with pcos. It was nasty!!!

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  9. We’ll do just about anything, won’t we? Years ago I bought a kokopelli statue off Ebay because I read somewhere online about how other ladies bought it and subsequently got pregnant. Looking back on it now – that was absolutely ridiculous. 🙂

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    • I am sure the chemicals are not helping my health, but I seriously doubt it is affecting my fertility and causing PCOS. But….I think it would be fun to make my own deodorant. I’ll let ya know how this goes 🙂

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