In the world of infertility, you will try just about anything, including silly rituals and believing in crazy superstitions, all in the belief they might increase your odds. You have tried drinking a special tea, eating a certain food (yams, berries, oysters, pineapples, or watermelon seeds, to name a few), and drinking nasty fertility smoothies as well as chugging snotty okra water for breakfast, lunch, and supper.
There are even baby booties under your pillow for good luck and dust bunnies lurking underneath your bed, all because Great Auntie Gertie mentioned at the last family reunion that this old wives tale of not sweeping under her bed helped conceive five children (and it’s a free pass to stop cleaning). You have even tried both superstitions of drinking water from a pregnant woman’s glass during ovulation and sitting in her chair for 15 minutes a day during the two-week wait.
And Meat? What’s that?! Carbs and sugar?! Those heavenly delicacies haven’t touched your lips in months. You have even written a goodbye letter to your morning cup of coffee. And books on fertility? You have them all. They are on your nightstand, next to the toilet, hidden in your desk drawer at work, and stashed away in your purse (there might still be one tucked away in the glove compartment box of the car). You have not only read them once, but fifty times, forwards and backward, and each section is highlighted. You stay away from hot showers, Jacuzzi tubs, and saunas, but wear knee-length tube socks in 100-degree weather because you read once it helps create a warm and inviting uterus. Your husband is also no longer wearing briefs. You are now sportin’ around a unibrow because a woman in a fertility chat room mentioned the wax could affect your fertility. Sounds silly, but why not?
However, this past week, while you don’t want to admit it, you have also stopped wearing deodorant because you read on Wikipedia (or maybe it was someone’s Facebook status update…you can’t remember), it was affecting your ability to conceive. Of course, there is no concrete proof, but sister Suzie’s cousin, who has a friend that lives in Chicago, knows of a girl who stopped wearing it and got pregnant that same day! Worth a shot, right? Because what if it is true your Lady Speed Stick penetrates your armpit, travels down through your stomach to your uterus, and produces an anti-fertility chemical? No medical professional has suggested you stop wearing it, but it makes logical sense in your head, right? I mean, you put your pillows, your husband’s pillows, and the pillows off the couch under your tush after “bow-chicka-wow-wow” for 20 minutes while also eating five pineapple cores a week, and have brass wind chimes hanging on your front porch to increase your chi, so what’s the big deal in ditching your deodorant for that .001% chance of increasing your odds of conception? But, at the same time, you also have a backup plan if this doesn’t work by next week, you are moving on to either “not trying so hard” or ” just relaxing” by “taking a vacation to Hawaii.” Oh, and you are finally thinking about taking cousin Sally’s advice of “just adopting.” Everyone gets pregnant immediately following those things, am I right?
(insert an eye roll so big your eyeballs stick to the back of your head)
I want to emphasize that this post is not meant to be mean or make fun of anyone. I’ll be the first to admit that even though I believe prayer, speaking God’s word, and having faith and patience are key ingredients to bringing life to a barren womb, I have also incorporated most, if not all of these nuggets of advice to increase my chances.
In fact, this post stemmed from me considering the idea of ditching my deodorant due to the harsh chemicals that could be affecting my overall health. Still, perspiration, sweat rings, and the “Oh! Is that me?!” odor coming from my pits is no laughing matter. In fact, it might actually hinder my fertility as it could “kill the mood.” Therefore, if you are like me but can’t seem to go the “all-natural” route, I have found a DIY deodorant recipe from my friend which will not only keep you smelling ‘fresh and so clean, clean’ but might also give you that .001% increase you need to boost your fertility. After all, the wind chimes on your front porch are just annoying you, and the headstands after sex are just causing you migraines.
What you need:
- Baking Soda
- Coconut Oil
- Essential Oils (optional)
Use equal parts of baking soda (I used 1/4 cup)…and cornstarch (1/4 cup). Add enough coconut oil to create the right spreadable consistency. This will depend on a couple of things: 1. The oil temperature because coconut oil will melt in the heat and become solid in cooler temperatures. 2.The type of consistency you prefer. Next, add Essential Oils if you are using them. Tada! That’s it! Just put the mixture in a container, and you are good to go.
Okay, so I’m guessing you may be asking how this goes from the container to your pits? According to my friend, it is simple. All you need to do is scoop some onto your fingers and rub it in. I know, I know! It sounds strange, a bit odd, and maybe even awkward if your significant other is standing nearby, but I guess sometimes you just gotta put on your big girl panties and do it. It’s all for the cause, my dear.
As always, I hope you have a great week, and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.
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48 thoughts on “The Crazy Things an Infertile Will Do”
LMAO, you’re so right. We’ll try just about ANYTHING!!! I hope your new deodorant works out!
Lol!! I will let my friends and husband be the judge of the deodorant. Lol! I doubt it could seriously increase a persons fertility but it might improve overall health…?
I LOVE these post. They are always good for a BIG OL’ LAUGH OUT LOUD!!
So glad you enjoy them!
ahha Great post! I have tried so many things (more or less reasonable and superstitious). I’m not ashamed but I do laugh at myself sometimes.. xx
Hehe! Sometimes ya just gotta try them…and laugh 🙂
Thanks for the recipe for deodorant. I saw another recipe (can’t remember where) that you put into a large tube for easy application.
Oh that would be handier
This is hilarious! I’ll never forget while I was reading TCoYF, stuffed into my desk drawer at work, and hiding during my lunch hour inhaling the ins and outs of the book, someone asked if I was learning to garden….. Why, yes. I am hoping to learn a little about gardening. May not be the type of gardening they expected, but nonetheless, the same 😉 LOVE YOU
Bahahahahaha! Hope you learned some tips on “fertilizing”…
Wow. I did the same thing last month- switched to an all-natural deodorant (Tom’s) from antiperspirant for the very same reason. 0.001% is just that much more of a chance, right?! 🙂 Glad to know others are having the same thoughts at about the same time I am!
If the all-natural stuff doesn’t work so well, I love Tom’s and just found an Arm & Hammer version that’s all natural and smells pretty good too
I have never heard of toms.
Tom’s of Maine. They make a lot of natural products… found mine at Target but I know they have their products on Amazon, too 🙂
I use Tom’s of Maine too! and another all natural one – “Jason”. Both seem to work, but they don’t stop the wetness, just the smell 🙂
I have a wetness problemo :/. It all started once I got pcos
Thanks for the laughs! On a side note, I have been making that deodorant for about (mine uses arrowroot powder not cornstarch) and I have found it to be the BEST deodorant I have ever used (although I’m still not pregnant 😉
That should have said “for about a year”
It seems like the store bought kind doesn’t even work that well anymore anyway
Lol i am so guilty of remedies. I have even taken that nasty liquid Geritol because of the saying, there’s a baby in every bottle Lol.
Bahahaha! I love that! Hehe
Ha! Oh how I’ve tried it all too…what we put ourselves through I tell ya 🙂 Gonna have to try that deodorant recipe though..because I’ve tried the “natural” deodorants in the store…and they Deo-don’t work…my dogs told me…ha! Thanks…always love your posts…thanks Elish!! xoxo
haha! Thank you for reading and commenting. I never know if anyone really enjoys these Monday Funnies or not. 🙂
Too funny Elisha! I’m glad you’re keeping your sense of humor through all of this! Thanks for making me laugh too 🙂
Thanks girl! Sometimes I just have to giggle a bit at myself
🙂 Sometimes that’s all we can do, and you are definitely not alone!
Deodorant is one of those that I haven’t tried to do it myself yet – maybe I should!!! You make this sound too easy 😉
let me know when you try it 🙂
ahahahaha :)))) i think that ANYONE who has spent over two years in fighting infertility should be awarded a honorary degree in global health care (or nutrition at least!!) it is truly amazing how much information women need to cope with and how much they get to learn about their fertility…
Hilarious! You are so right- we will do ANYTHING!
That cat meme is just too funny! I have never heard of the okra water, but that one def takes the cake. Yikes! I commend you on the natural deodorant too. That is one I have tried to do naturally so many times and I just can’t bring myself to stick with it! It really is bad for us with all the chemicals in it.
The okra water was something I did for months. I read online that it helps diabetics with insulin resistance and that is a hug problem with those struggling with pcos. It was nasty!!!
Lol. Good one. Had to share this with my daughter.
So glad you liked it!
Hmm. Do you get residual on your underarm that would transfer onto your clothes? I started using this and I love it so far: http://www.amazon.com/Schmidts-Natural-Deodorant-Lavender-Sage/dp/B00D2KW68Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1404785273&sr=8-1&keywords=schmidt%27s+deodorant
Residue, I meant.
I haven’t tried it yet (I got it from one of my highschool friends) but she LOVES it and has been using it for over a year. I plan on making it this weekend and trying it out 🙂
We’ll do just about anything, won’t we? Years ago I bought a kokopelli statue off Ebay because I read somewhere online about how other ladies bought it and subsequently got pregnant. Looking back on it now – that was absolutely ridiculous. 🙂
Lol!!! I hadn’t heard that one!
That’s very interesting about the deodorant. I would like to try to do that someday!
I am sure the chemicals are not helping my health, but I seriously doubt it is affecting my fertility and causing PCOS. But….I think it would be fun to make my own deodorant. I’ll let ya know how this goes 🙂
Love this, lol! We try some crazy things for a baby, don’t we?
we sure do! lol
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