I asked myself, “Jesus, do I want you more than…a baby?”

Once every seven years, on average, Christmas lands on a Sunday, and this year, 2022, was the year. My husband and I, along with our daughter, dressed in our Sunday best and went to worship our King on His birthday. What a privilege and needed distraction it was for my soul. Despite having a daughter through the gift of adoption, I still find holidays, especially Christmas, difficult. I long for the children who left too soon from my womb and those born in my heart yet to be conceived. I long for Christmas mornings to be filled with more children laughing and excited around the Christmas tree, playmates for our current only child.

Typically, at church, the younger children, the babies, and toddlers, are in another building while the adults worship in the main sanctuary. But on this particular Sunday, they sat to my left and right. Up ahead and behind. Sweet, tender cries could be heard throughout. Oh, how my heart ached. No one knew but me, the tears forming and starting to fall. But before anyone took notice, the lights were dimmed, and the worship began. The first song we sang had a line that said, “I just want to be with You,” and after I sang it a couple of times, I stopped. I wanted to check my heart before I sang something to sing it. Especially since all I could think about was a baby. And so I asked myself (and the Lord)… Do I just want to be with You?… Do I JUST want to be with You?

That’s it. That’s all. To be with You.

Do I?

Do I want You more than my plans working in my favor?

Do I want You more than health?

Do I want You more than sleeping in?

Do I want You more than a TV show?

Do I want You more than… a baby…?

Do I…?

Maybe ask yourself, do you?

What would you choose if you were to be with Jesus or that thing you desire?

Of course. My answer is yes. Yes, to Jesus. And it’s not just a Sunday School answer of yes, but a true yes.

I want a relationship with Him more than anything, not just a formal one, but a deep, rich one where all I crave is time spent with Him. And all my thoughts are consumed with Him.

I want that. I want nothing else. Just him.

Too often, we want and desperately try, while giving up everything, to fill voids in our hearts with desires and things that, in reality, only He can satisfy to begin with. And maybe that’s where you are in life right now. Having a baby, getting a job, or something else is consuming you because you think you will feel better if you get that one thing. The stress will melt, anxiousness will leave, or love will magically appear. But that hole in your heart and the healing your soul needs can only be filled and healed by a deeper, maybe more meaningful, relationship with Him. It’s a lot to think about. A lot to consider and weigh. But sweet friend, let us not be so consumed with chasing other things, and instead, just desire to be with Him.

After all, He is the gift, not the desire we are longing for.

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