Earlier today while making Valentine Day gift bags to send to a few of my friends, our cute 34 inch tall house guest for the next couple of months came running into the dining room asking me one of her favorite questions…
I smiled and responded with something of the sorts, “Oh, just making some Valentine’s Day gifts for a few friends.” She looked a bit puzzled, so then I asked her what she would like for Valentine’s Day. Without hesitation, she shouted, “a baby!” I couldn’t help but stare into space as her answer echoed in my head and reverberated off my heart. All I could muster out of my mouth was…
“Me too, sugars, me too.”
Her two words, “a baby” took me back to Valentine’s Day 2012. As tears began to fill my eyes, I remembered how on that day I was scheduled to have blood work completed in order to see if our first round of infertility treatments were successful. I remember being fully confident the pregnancy test would come back positive. After all, in my mind, the doctors knew my problem, they gave me medication to fix the problem, and we did the “bada bing, bada boom” at just the right time, therefore, how could it not work? It had to work!
I was so excited with the possibility of telling my husband that I was pregnant on this lovey-dovey holiday, but as it turned out, I woke up on February 13th with the stark reality that I couldn’t. Because I wasn’t. A new cycle had begun. $2400 worth of medication didn’t work and I was devastated. And I was numb. I remember not even being able to cry.
Fast forward to now, two years later, and I would have never imagined having the same wish for Valentine’s Day 2014. With the words of a three-year old–“A BABY”–still ringing in my ears, thoughts of “why,” and “when,” and “if” began to flood within.
Why is this happening?
When will my prayers be answered?
What if they never do?
And with each question I felt myself sink into a pit I knew all too well. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the one in which your mind jumps from worry, to fear, to anxiety, to doubt.
But it was in that moment the Lord so sweetly whispered to my ear a verse I had read earlier that week. It was Isaiah 9:1 which states, “Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever.”
Sweet friend, no matter what challenges you face in life, no matter the setbacks or delays, there is always a “nevertheless.” Because the definition of nevertheless is “in spite of.” Therefore, in spite of the heartbreak, in spite of the obstacles, in spite of everything going wrong, in spite of the delays and the seemingly endless roadblocks, and in spite of the time of darkness and despair, it will not go on forever. It can’t. It won’t. And that’s a promise from God. A promise I will always hold onto. Will you?
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46 thoughts on “Diary of an Infertile: I Want a Baby for Valentine’s Day”
I really love your nevertheless list. None of us asked to have this happen, but we truly do need to make the best of what we were handed. Hoping you will be able to make that special announcement soon though 🙂
Thank ya! I am sure if I had more time to think of them, I could have come up with some more…but I just started rambling while we cut, glued, and tied. LOL! It worked 🙂
Love this Elisha! It’s so hard when you look back at dates and as the years go on with no baby, but you are wise to lean on God during those hard moments and remember the blessings He has given you and used in this circumstance. You are a blessing to so many and you are going to be an awesome mama to your baby birds!
awwe thanks sugars! I’m almost positive that if she hadn’t continued to stand there watching me, I would have cried, continued to stew on the “what if’s” and the “why me’s” but I knew that I couldn’t do that with her around. The only thing I knew do to was pray! lol! The whole time I was praying she just continued to look at me at puzzled. haha! She was probably giggling because she had NO clue who I was talking too. haha!
Nevertheless… Beautiful. Thank you!
🙂 You are welcome!
Love your list!!! It ruins the whole point of trials when we don’t make the most of them!! So encouraged that you do and love that this sweet girl is speaking prophetically! Yes sweet girl, A baby 🙂
hmmm…according to my usual 50 plus day cycles, I shouldn’t even consider a positive pregnancy test around Valentine’s Day, but I just might have to take one anyway since she wants a baby…of course she was referring to me buying her a new baby doll but I’ll take the real thing 🙂 hehe
Beautiful list friend!
Thank you so much for this beautiful post! We are relying on the Lord to help us conceive; nevertheless, we have faith He will use our stories to help others into the light! Beautiful Elisha!
amen! I’m in agreement with you too!
Sometimes it makes it so much more real if we can speak those important words aloud. It’s actually a counseling technique I’ve used! Our words have so much power when they are transformed from thoughts into actual verbalization. Thanks for the great reminder about that!
I totally agree! The Bible always said to SPEAK…not just think so I pray out loud, speak scripture outloud, everything. I read Change your words, change your life by Joyce Meyer. Have you read it? It’s fabulous!
sounds like something I need to add to my collection! Thanks for the suggestion
Praying for you during this time! I remember those feelings all too well! You WILL have that baby one day. Praying your Valentine’s Day this year is full of hugs and kisses from your mister, reminding you of the amazing, strong, and fearless women you are! Because you can’t be weak during times like this. God knew that we could handle this and gave it to us knowing we would come out on top with God’s glory to show for it. Praying for you friend!
Thank you so much for your sweet and encouraging words! I appreciate all of your prayers too 🙂 They mean so much to me.
Thanks for this uplifting story. Never the less shows up often in the Bible and it usually means that God is about to do something more than we could ever expect or imagine! I am confident that God is going to use this time to prepare you to be an even more amazing mom than you would be already (which is already pretty awesome!) I love how just speaking the Word can change the ways we deal with situations!
amen!!! Thanks so much for your encouraging words 🙂
This is amazing, Elisha. Your attitude and positive faith is such an encouragement to me. I have so much growing to do in that area, but you are an inspiration! (And thank you for the note pad and note You are so sweet. Too sweet, truly. A thoughtful and kind friend. xoxo!)
I’m so glad you got it!! I saw those notepads an KNEW I had to buy them! They were perfect!! LOVE YOU and I pray daily for your miracle to arrive soon and suddenly! xox
Nevertheless, your Author, wrote a story. The best story ever! One filled with romance, comedy, happiness, sadness, tragedy, hope, longing, faith, hope and patience. But most of all, for a child of God, a happy ending in his time. Chapter after chapter the pages turn, trusting the author and awaiting that twist at the end. Praying for your happily ever after my friend!
Thank you so much for your encouraging words!! 🙂 I appreciate all of your prayers too! They mean the world to me.
Aww the sweet innocence of childeren! I love the nethertheless idea! I was going to try and choose my favorite one of yours but I love them all. Glad you found your peace and contentment again- I feel my best when I am in a place of peace. Praying that 2014 is your year!
I’m praying 2014 is mine too but nevertheless if not…I’ll be okay 😉 hehehe! xoxox
Thank you soooo much for sharing. I’m so glad I found your blog!
-your newest reader-
oh me too! I’m now following yours 🙂
I have to say this is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.
oh i am so glad! I wrote it today and wasn’t going to “publish” until tomorrow morning, but I just felt a tugging to do it tonight. I’m so thankful I did if it meant helping you out. hugs!
I may just steal your nevertheless list. Thank you for sharing this. …and that little 3 year old sounds like she is as cute as can be. I hope you have a wonderful valentine’s day 🙂
She sure is!! I really want to post a picture of her because you will just melt but I better not just in case
Wonderful to start off a Thursday.
I am so glad you liked it! NEVERTHELESS is my new favorite word
Love this! Once again your words have encouraged me! Nevertheless! I think I will just post that word all over my desk at work and at home!
YES! Put it everywhere!! Just the other night I had put her to bed and I guess I left my phone on the dresser. (I didn’t know this) She kept crying (more of a whine/fake cry) and we let it go on for a bit…I did check on her and encourage her to go back to bed, etc. After about an hour, I could tell my hubby was getting annoyed and I said I was going to go in there and just hold in until she fell asleep. Neither of us wanted to start this habit and he was really against the idea. When I went in there and turned on the light, that’s when I noticed my phone. If I hadn’t gone in there to get her, my alarm would have woke her up bright and early at 6:00am! YIKES!! I remember coming out of the room and saying, “Yes she was crying, whining, and throwing a fit, nevertheless, because of it, I discovered my phone was left in her room.” haha! You could use that word for just about anything going wrong in life. I love it!
Your posts are always so inspirational and uplifting. It blows my mind the G-d chooses to give these struggles to some of the best, most deserving people. Pullllling for you!!!
Thanks for pulling for me! You are in my prayers too sweet lady!!
You’re just amazing! Every time I drop by here I get a lift! ‘Nevertheless’ will be a very frequently used word from now on. And I will always be fiercely rooting for you, my friend! Love and hugs
Thank you sugars!!! NEVERTHELESS is by far my favorite word right now too! I think I said it three times last night in regards to things that were going wrong (dinner not cooking right…the cake spilling in the car…and lil miss priss getting up every hour last night). LOL! It really did keep my mind focused on the positive! xoxoxo!
Oh sweet girl! I love your heart and tenderness for the Lord! He’s got your story already written!
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! You are the bestest!!
A scripture comes to mind as I read this blog … Perhaps He is stirring it in my heart for you … So just in case it is for you, I’d better share it lol 😊
1 Peter 5:10
wow thanks for sharing! It’s definetly from God. When I orginally started this blog and the HOPE support group out of my home a woman from my church came to me and said that a scripture was given to her (for me) from Isaiah and it basically said that I would be refined in the furnace of affliction (suffering). So this verse was perfect. Thank you for being so obedient! I LOVE IT!! xoxox
Praise God … Oh He is so good … Keep pressing into Him and allowing intimacy with Papa to define who you are and where you are going. May He bless you, today, with an increased measure of Him to walk forward in all He has for you.
Much love … Natalie 😊
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