Soul Food

Is There Any Hope Left?

Getting pregnant is impossible.

My cycle will never be ‘normal.’

My family of two will still be a family of two, even as I fill out my AARP card. 

Things are only going to get worse.

I can’t do this anymore. 

Maybe my life would be better childless?

God seems to be pressing the “mute” button on some of my prayer requests.

God is punishing me.

She is pregnant?! Seriously! She’s only 17! Does she even know how to change a diaper? (My reaction after checking my Facebook account just now)

Those are some depressing thoughts, aren’t they? Oh, how quickly they have been finding their way into my thinking lately. Especially since my last cycle was 70+ days long, most women have had two cycles to my one! I want to have a normal cycle with normal ovulation to have a normal chance to create a tiny human without needing to pump myself full of hormones.

With each new cycle, the days seem to climb higher like they are on a hike to reach Mount Everest’s top. Whispers of doubt keep telling me that my body will always be wreaked by Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and my ovaries will never know how to create anything but cysts. I wish I could say there haven’t been many mornings like this one when all I can do (or want to do) is curl up in a ball and let the tears stream down my face as I reminisce the days when pregnancy announcements didn’t run me over like a dump truck. The dream of having three children, a minivan, and a family dog named Lassie, all by the age of 30, was still alive (I will be 31 in September=dream dead). I think back to the days when I could joyfully attend a baby shower and not sit quietly in the corner as I question when it would be my turn.

Each whisper leaves me feeling hopeless and each long cycle pulls me further down into the belief that things will never get better.

I find myself constantly looking back to the year 2007 when I stood in our tiny 475 square foot apartment and told my husband that I would stop taking birth control due to hating the way they made me feel. We both worried I would get pregnant soon and be forced to raise a child in such tight living quarters. Pfftt! Several years later and I sit here worried that I will never be able to fill the extra bedrooms we now have with all the joys of giggles, toys, and sounds of pitter patters coming from their tiny feet. Ahhhh…those were the “glory days.” A time in my life when I didn’t have a doubt, fear, or worrisome thought in my head about my ability to grow a tiny human.

But a body that is stricken with PCOS, and no improvement in sight, will make anyone start to question and doubt the possibility of conceiving. Or, at the very least, have hope life will improve. But the truth is, if I want a change in my circumstances, then I must make a change in my thoughts. I can either believe that it will always be the same or I can step out in hope and believe that all things are possible with Christ. I can choose to sit and dwell on the negative or believe that change is on the horizon.

Today, despite everything around me screaming it’s useless, I choose hope. Because you see, the God of hope wants me to live beyond my doubts and fears. Believe beyond my feelings and see beyond what my natural eyes can see. I need to trust Him when He says that the way it looks today might not be the way it looks tomorrow; what was last month might not be this month. And I need to also stop looking to the past but see the future as He sees it. A future that is full of children, prosperity, and health. He wants me to have hope that now, even though I can’t see it, He is doing a new thing. He wants me to stop doubting that He is working together all things for good because I love Him. And to never lose hope that everything is possible for me in this life simply because I believe in Him. That’s what He wants.

He wants me to hope for better days.

Therefore despite the evidence that my body is failing, I will choose hope. Despite the fact, I do not ovulate (as in never), I will choose hope. Despite the doctor’s belief that I have less than a 3% chance of conceiving on my own, I will choose hope. Despite my feelings and all logical reason to not hope, I will still choose hope.

Today, I choose to get up, dry my nose, wipe away my tears, and not focus on the negative. After all, doubt and hope can’t live in my heart simultaneously, so today, I will no longer believe the lie that it will always be this way, but rather choose to look at my future through God’s eyes and believe that better days are ahead.

Below are verses I am repeating to myself today. I included them, hoping that they will encourage you to keep believing all things are possible and better days are ahead. 

  • What do you mean, ‘If I can’?” Jesus asked. “Anything is possible if a person believes.” Mark 9:23
  • See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
  • And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
  • Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

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54 thoughts on “Is There Any Hope Left?”

  1. Thanks for your words of hope! I was having some very similar negative thoughts last night as my husband slept peacefully! Infertility is the worst but it is so nice knowing none of us are alone in this struggle!

    1. nope we are not alone and together we can get through it. I’m sorry you were having those same thoughts. Choose today to have only hope for a better future. Doubt will only eat us up alive and make us miserable :/

  2. Girlie, first I wanna give you a big fat hug because I know what it feels like to go through what you’re going through. I’ve had years of those questions and doubts and I lost my dream of having a baby by the time I turned 30 too…and I grieved that horribly. But, I want to just reassure you that don’t give up on that hope you have, no matter what your situation makes you believe. God doesn’t care about our broken bodies (PCOS etc) because He is a miracle working God and nothing is impossible for Him. It’s tough to see this till the miracle manifests itself but I applaud you for the hope you cling to. I love what you said in your previous post about the new friend you made at Church…even when we are faithless, God is still faithful. It is so true and God is silently working on your miracle even as you wonder what’s going on. So, don’t worry about doubts and questions that come up, we’re only human, but, God is still working on the right moment to make everything fall into place for your miracle. It will come and I feel it! xx You are awesome and I admire your faith and love for God!

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words of encouragement! I know that God is a miracle working God and most days I don’t have these thoughts of doubt, but then there are those days when I let one sneaky thought into my brain and it starts breeding other thoughts and the next thing I know, I am one hot mess. LOL! xo

  3. Thank you- for a while, when I read your blog, I would leave feeling like such a failure of a christian, because your posts seem to exude grace, peace, and faith, with ease….I have been struggling like heck just to muster the strength to talk to God on a regular basis, let alone have hope for a change in crumstane- So needless to say, its nice to know you are HUMAN, and do feel and think these things too, but inspiring that you do everything you can to get out of the funk- I will get there one day…<3

    1. Oh yes girl I am 100 percent HUMAN 🙂 hehe! I think I would have these “low” points more often if I had cycles that didn’t last 70 days…the reason is that I am pretty hopeful until my period starts and then I crash….then back to hope. So if I had a normal 30ish day cycle, you would probably see more of these posts. Make sense? hehe!

      But have no worries our doubt your faith. The devil wants you to feel beaten down and not good enough. Keep doing what you can and always go to God with ALL of your thoughts, hurts, and feelings. He wants to hear everything. Hugs! xo

  4. Very encouraging and hard to read for anyone wanting to have a family and dealing with the aches and pains of infertility. You are not alone and the hope you have in Christ is greater then your pcos. Don’t lose hope God always has a way.. Even when we can’t see it he always answers prayers…

    1. You are so correct when you say that my hope and faith in Christ is greater than any pcos! Thank you for reading and offering your amazing words of support and encouragement! xo

  5. Love you, and I’m sorry you are having a rough day. Big hugs and LOTS of prayers for strength, hope, a timely ovulation and…;) you know…

  6. Elisha, that was JUST what a lot of us needed to read today. Thank you for being so honest….and so encouraging. Choose hope.

  7. I love how you ended this post…lots of what if’s in there, but in the end, there is ALWAYS hope! God is not revealing all of these things to you that He’s been revealing for nothing. I truly believe that there are babies in your future! Thank you so much for keeping this blog up and for all of your wonderful support and encouragement. You are truly a blessing to so many!! XOXO

    1. Thanks Mel 🙂 I know God has a plan but sometimes I let one little doubtful thought in my head and the next thing I know that thought creates other little doubtful thoughts and then I’m wiping away snot. LOL!

  8. I switch back and forth between positive and negative thoughts all the time. Often, I have both within the same hour! I love your attitude about it all, though. Keep hanging in there. Still praying for you!

    1. Thank you Beth! It’s not easy always making the choice to stay positive, but the benefits are worth it.

  9. I switch back and forth between postiive and negative thoughts all the time – often within the same hour! I know the days are hard, but I love your attitude about it! Keep hanging in there. I’m still praying for you.

    1. I just saw that I never replied to your comment. I am sooo sorry! Thanks so much for your encouragement.

  10. Sorry you have had a bad day. I think irregular cycles can really put you down. Comes from a person whose non-medicated last cycle lasted about 3 years… Let’s not lose hope though! xx

  11. I just wish I could give you a hug right now. *hug* Oh, how hard it is sometimes. I’m shedding a few tears for your hurt and praying a few prayers for your hope. God bless you, Elisha.

    1. PS – Something God reminded me of:

      Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” – John 20:29

  12. Thanks for your honesty! So encouraging to see you choose hope despite your circumstances! LOVE this: “But the truth of the matter is, if I want a change in my circumstances then I must make a change in my thoughts.” Such truth!!!

    1. Thanks girl! So much going on around here and sometimes I fold like a deck of cards…but God always lifts me back up 🙂 Thanks for your support, prayers, and encouragement!

  13. Praying for you as I read this!! Just think 3% means 3 out of every 100 people every cycle. Who said you can’t be one if those 3?!?! Sometimes there can be a 98% and you are the unlucky 2, but sometimes you can be the lucky 3!! I have hope for you too!!

    1. Bahaha!! I love love love your attitude! I just keep reminding myself that with God I have 100 percent.

  14. Mark 9:24 …..” I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
    When it comes to faith in Jesus, some things have to be believed to be seen

  15. I deal with the negetivity all the time as well but I have been really forcing myself lately to speak in positives. No more “if we get pregnant/have kids”, it’s “when we get pregnant/have kids”, it’s planning as if this is the cycle because why shouldn’t it be? That doesn’t mean, I always feel better or believe it myself but I’m making the changes. You’re amazing!

      1. Thanks. It’s not everyday, I’ll do really well for a while then I’ll fall into the “it’s never going to happen…” cycle again. Daily choices.

  16. Dear, sweet Elisha! Each time God brings you to my mind, I pray for you, and I BELIEVE with and for you that your deferred hopes will soon become cherished reality. I know if God could relieve my PCOS and open my barren womb for that one moment in time, He can still do the same for you. He is STILL able to do this, I have no doubt. Why the delay? We may never know…it is so hard to understand, because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, you and Daniel would make the sweetest, most loving, doting parents alive. In our years of waiting and wondering and questioning, Kevin and I have more than likely heard it all, and I know nothing I could ever say will really alleviate your pain. But, just know this…you are SO special, you are cherished more than words, you are loved and appreciated by God…and me…and so many others. Your love for Jesus shines brightly in the midst of this season of waiting. God is being glorified in and through you, sweet friend. Love you!

    1. Thank you Cheryl! You always have the sweetest, kindest, and most encouraging words to share with me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  17. Oh, how well I can relate. I often long for the early days in our marriage when we thought we were in control of our family planning and would have no trouble getting pregnant right away or having our 2 kids by the time we turn 30….now my husband is past 30 and I am not far behind. Our naivety was really quite beautiful. We were so sure of our future life with children, and so carefree and happy. I’ve been doing very well lately, but every time I get my period, my heart is broken all over again. I am crying on my way to work when someone on the radio talks about their children, or breaking into tears when a coworker says, ‘why don’t you have children yet?!’ Now those glory days seem like such a sweet, distant memory. But every day, there’s a choice to make. Praying that God helps us choose positivity and faith in his promises rather than dwelling on negative thoughts.

    1. Thank you for your prayers and yes we must choose faith and being positive…it’s the only way to get through this hardship

  18. Keep that hope alive, girl! It took 10 years for our miracle, but now I’m 21 weeks pg. Your baby will come! If God has told you that you’ll have kids, keep reminding yourself of His promise. Sure, some days you’ll cry or break stuff (I know I did! Lol.), but on the good days you can just feel His love and faithfulness. Hold on to those good days and draw on them when the adversary tries to bring you down! Praying your little bird is winging his way toward you very soon!

    1. Thank you so much or your words of encouragement and your prayers! I hold onto His promises and I know that He is faithful! I just have to not let myself entertain the thoughts that pop in my head.

  19. Oh how hard it is to stop counting….. I wont be impatient for the lord to act. I will keep traveling steadily along his pathway and in due season. He will honor me with every blessing. Psalm 37:34

    1. Love that verse. I am technically not sure how many days this cycle lasted. I just know my last cycle started the first of April sometime. I still haven’t gone back to my calendar to verify the exact day of my cycle length. Thank you for this encouraging comment. I think I stared at it forever.

  20. Thank you for the encouragement! Satan comes at us hard and we get down, and fertility is not always the area he attacks in my case. Once you find peace in the completed work of Christ you’ll never struggle again, right? Thank you for allowing us to see someone who also has doubt and needs to be reminded of God’s goodness. Our latest battle is really not about our desire for children, but over the basic needs of people, housing. One thing after another falls through and time is running out, glimmer of hope comes and you wonder “Is this you working God?” I’m not really looking to mistrust God, but feeling forgotten perhaps. And all the emotional things that go along with this makes you tired, very tired. Am I giving up? I hope, therefore I trust! Never give up, never surrender!

    61:1-2 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

    Praying for you!

  21. I love love love that verse in Isaiah! I choose to believe every day that God is doing a new thing in our lives, even if I can’t see it…yet! It reminds me of this verse in Habakkuk 2: “For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it[c] will certainly come and will not delay.” I esp love that second part because I can so relate…”Though it linger, WAIT for it. It will CERTAINLY come and not delay.”

  22. Oh yes! I love that verse in Habakkuk as well. I even took a small chalkboard and wrote my vision on it at the beginning of this year. xo

  23. I am sitting here on a bench waiting to meet a friend from lunch with years streaming down my cheeks. This has been a tough week for me. My sister in law had her baby a week ago and seeing all the pictures of her with her baby and the family have really gotten to me. No matter how strong I am or how much I cling to Christ it still hurts. So today, thanks to your beautiful words, I recommit myself to choosing hope and believing that in Christ all things are possible!

    1. I just saw I never responded to your comment…but I thought I did because I remember reading it. Anywho…I am so glad you have chosen to hope again and believe in the impossible! God is for us and will turn every evil thing into something amazing! xo

  24. Elisha, could I ask you to say a prayer? I so relate to you when you say filled with hope until that time and then it crashes. I’m trying so hard to keep the faith but I simply do not understand why we have to endure this journey. 9 out of 10 times my cup if half full, but this week feeling like God has completely abandoned me during this journey.

    1. My crashes are not as intense thank goodness as they used to be. I will be in prayer for you. I know it feels like God has abandoned us but he hasn’t. We can’t go by our feelings. We have to keep believing His Word is truth above all else. Xoxo

  25. I love this post hon. Keep hoping. I just know God is working on some amazing things for you and there is a miracle coming your way. Big hug!

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