I. Thou shalt not treat thy home pregnancy tests with disrespect. A used negative test shall remain in a peaceful resting place in thy trash can. Furthermore, a line doeseth not count if thou drew on it with a felt tip pen. A home pregnancy test shall also not be broken in half, taken apart nor gazed upon for two hours under different lighting effects. Thoust should also not test during menstruation, one day past thou ovulation, or thrice every 24 hours during the first nine days past ovulation. Doing so is committing the “Trying to Conceive” sin of “extreme obsessiveness” and is punishable by despair and discouragement.
II. Thou shalt not commit the dreadful sin of sharing “Too Much Information” with thy mate. If thou chooses to break this commandment and discuss thy glorious egg white cervical secretions with thy mate, thou punishment will be that the glorious member of thy mate will shrivel under the power of such dark arts.
III. Thou shalt not lie. The correct reading for thy basel body temperature (BBT) is the first number taken upon the break of dawn. Therefore, do not continue to take additional readings if thy doesn’t get the reading thy wishes. Furthermore, do not attempt to warm thyself with blankets or shake thy thermometer vigorously and unnecessarily in order to obtain the body temperature thou desires for this will not bring ovulation to thee.
IV. Thou shall ask for support. Thy mate doeseth not noeth how to readeth thou mind. Therefore, thou should keep him informed if one is being hormotional and he is approaching the dangerous territory of “frying pan on head.” Thou shall also seek support from thy closest friends, family members, God, and other infertile sisters in times of hopelessness, doubt, discouragement, and despair for they shall encourage and uplift thy fellow friend.
V. Thou shalt not fall into “Google” temptation. Thou must not Google during thy two-week wait. If one does fall victim to this type of prey, thou shall expect any of thy symptoms will guarantee pregnancy as someone, somewhere had that same symptom and was pregnant. For instance, if one does Google, “drooled more in your sleep?” Google will determine one is pregnant. “Rash on your left knee?” Pregnant. “Pee smell funny?” Pregnant.”Dog peed on belly?” Once again, pregnant.
(For more reasons as to why it is not healthy to Google during thou two-week wait, please read, “I Must Be Pregnant Because…” )
VI. Thou shalt not kill sperm. Do not allow thy dearest husband to sit in a hot tub, sauna, or jacuzzi as such illegal activity is dangerous and may cause thy swimmers to be boiled alive. If thou does allow said husband to do so, thou will be charged with a possible “Big Fat Negative” this cycle.
VII. Thou shalt not take symptom spotting to the degree of ridiculousness, nor bring symptoms upon thyself. Nausea may be brought forth by the fruit of thy womb. Alas, it may also be brought forth by thy acid, illness, or the chicken of questionable repute thou devoured last sunset. Thy breasts will also be sore if thou pokes and prods them repeatedly to see if they are sore whilst sitting at the stop light or in ones cubicle at work. Thou must also be warned of becoming susceptible to mood swings if thou does break commandment VI and chooses to Google perceived symptoms. On this dreadful note, if thou does indeed break such commandments and Google’s, “Is making curtains a sign of early pregnancy” thou will find affirmation on page 106. You were warned.
VIII. Thou shalt not put an end to living thy life whilst awaiting success. Neither thy zumba class nor driving over speed bumps shall dislodge the embryo from thy womb. Thou will also not be fruitful sooner if thou abides within thy home like a hermit and ceases to communicate with civilization. Thou will feel bored and lonely, therefore giving into the all-powerful temptation to instantly and constantly “pee on a stick,” thus breaking the first commandment. Tsk.Tsk.
IX. Thou shalt not covet. Thou must keep in perspective thy neighbor, sister, friend, Wal-Mart cashier, coffee shop barista, colleague, and family dog most likely did not become pregnant with child to taunt thyself. Begrudging thy neighbor joy does not maketh thyself pregnant, but rather miserable with thou guilty conscience. If thou does need to weep, thou shalt do it away from their sight and not be condemned. Thou shall also not be condemned if one eats a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream afterward while snuggled in bed underneath a pile of covers.
X. Thou shalt not lose hope. If thou does not get a “Big Fat Positive” this cycle, thou shall not give in to the temptation of waving thy white flag. Thou shall instead weep if needed but keep moving forward and never give up on believing thy miracle will come to fruition whether it cometh through natural conception, adoption, or other such means directed by God. Thou must believe one will be blessed and welcome the gift of a child to thy humble abode.
Thank you for reading this edition of “Laughing Your Way through Infertility,” and as always, I hope you have a great week, and don’t forget to find time to laugh and enjoy the journey while you are on the path to reaching your destination.
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