First comes love…then comes marriage…then comes infertility…
Hey there, sweet friend!
With Valentine’s Day behind us, I wanted to talk about something that has been on my heart. Infertility is no joke. It’s tough—exhausting, overwhelming, and often isolating. And while you and your husband face this together, sometimes it can feel like you’re worlds apart. Maybe those intimate moments have turned into tasks you “need” to check off. Or you’re sitting in the doctor’s office, your heart racing, while he seems unfazed. You might wonder, “Does he know how serious this is?”
The truth is, he does. He sees the pain in the quiet moments—like when you hold back tears at the baby shower or walk through the store, feeling that sting of another pregnancy announcement. He feels it, too, even if it looks like he doesn’t. His coping might be different, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
You might think he doesn’t get it when he offers a hopeful “It’ll be okay” after another negative pregnancy test, but really, he’s trying to help. His optimism is his way of being your superhero, even if it doesn’t always match your emotional needs in the moment. Men process things differently, like waffles—each issue neatly packed in its box, ready to solve. Meanwhile, we’re like spaghetti, where every feeling is tangled, connected, and intense.
But here’s the thing: he wants to be your superhero. He wants to carry you through this, to remind you that you’re not alone. So, give him grace, and let him support you in his way—even if his words feel like quick fixes. And remember to support him, too. Tell him he’s your hero, your rock, even when it feels like infertility is getting the best of both of you.
Today, tomorrow, and as long as we’re journeying through this season, let’s make sure that while we’re longing for that next step—a baby—we don’t lose sight of the love that brought us together in the first place.
Below, I have included four simple ways you can preserve your marriage.
1. Make Intimacy About Your Connection, Not Just Conception
Infertility can turn intimacy into a task, something tied to the hope of a positive pregnancy test. But intimacy, at its core, is about connection. It’s about being present with each other and nurturing your relationship. While there are times when trying to conceive is the focus, make space for moments when it’s just about the two of you—about your love, your bond, and your marriage. Find ways to enjoy each other’s company without the weight of trying to get pregnant hanging over you. Let intimacy remind you of the closeness you share, not just a means to an end.
2. Don’t Use Your Hormones or Infertility as an Excuse for Bad Behavior
Infertility brings out some intense emotions—frustration, sadness, and even anger. While it’s understandable to feel these things, it’s important to remember that your husband is on this journey with you. Sometimes, letting your emotions spill over and unintentionally directing them at him is easy. But even on your most challenging days, he’s still your partner. Be aware of your communication, and give yourself grace when you slip up. Infertility doesn’t give us a free pass to treat each other poorly. Please take a deep breath, ask for support when you need it, and lean into the understanding that both of you are hurting in different ways.
3. Invest in Your Marriage
It’s easy for infertility to consume every conversation and moment, but it’s important to make space for just the two of you. One thing my friend does is set a timer for an agreed amount of time—say, 15, 20, or 30 minutes—to talk about infertility. Once the timer ends, they shift the conversation to something unrelated to trying for a baby. This small but intentional practice allows them to connect emotionally outside the struggle. You can also try going on weekly dates, trying something new together, or starting a hobby as a couple. These moments allow you to reconnect and nurture the bond that brought you together in the first place.
4. Enjoy Today While You Wait for Your Future
The future is uncertain, but what you have now—the love, the connection, the shared moments—is precious. Don’t let infertility rob you of the joy in your marriage today. Your journey isn’t just about the destination; it’s about doing life together in the mundane, frustrating, and also joyful moments of life together. Hold on to each other and make the most of what’s right in front of you, knowing that God’s timing and plans are always good.
Sweet friend, I’m praying for you and your marriage during this journey. Infertility doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t have to define your love, either. Keep holding on to each other.
With all my love – Elisha, founder of Waiting for Baby Bird
