Dear Waiting for Baby Bird,
Thank you for the closed online support group. Many days, it gives me answers or helps me feel less alone. When the world doesn’t get it, I know I can take a peek at the within the group or the Waiting for Baby Bird Facebook page, and so many ladies do.
Today/ this week, I am struggling hard. I am in the two-week wait of IUI round three, after three years of trying to conceive (TTC), and at this point, we are experiencing unexplained infertility. I am also in the THICK of parenting a 14-year-old son. I am struggling to be the mom I want to be while these extra medications (I am on extra progesterone) pump through my body. My temper is short, and my eyes are ready to leak at all times. A friend asked me why I hadn’t shared what was happening with him yet, and I had a million thoughts. Age 14 is rough and challenging, and he is going through all of the hormones, too. I feel at my lowest of lows, not being my best in my marriage or as a mom, and I am starting to question myself: if I can’t handle this, then why would God send us a baby? I didn’t know if anyone else had suggestions on continuing to be a great mom while going through this. How much do you share? I know you have a teenage daughter whom you adopted through foster care. Do you share everything with her? Some of it? None of it?
Any help, words of advice, connections, would be so appreciated.
Signed,
Struggling mom while trying to conceive
Hi, Struggling Mom Trying to Conceive,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I, too, have a 13-year-old whom we adopted through foster care, and you’re right; teenagers are a tough crowd. lol
First, DEEP BREATH and remind yourself that this is just a season. EVERY MOTHER goes through the season of feeling like they are failing, but give yourself grace. God didn’t make a mistake putting you and your son together. Just lean in and ask God to help you. For example, I have found that if I get up earlier than the rest of the house and spend time reading a chapter in the bible and then journal out my prayer to Him (basically write him a letter) about how I’m feeling and where and what I need help with that day, my day goes so much smoother. Is it perfect? No. But we’re not perfect, and God isn’t looking for perfection. He is just looking for you to run to Him when you feel overwhelmed and can’t take another moment.
Regarding the issue of whether to tell your son about your struggle to conceive, I tell my daughter (mostly) EVERYTHING. I have always been big on communication. Communication opens the door for understanding, trust, and compassion. Without it, we’re all just walking around wondering what is wrong with everyone (haha). There are days when all I want to do is cry, and I have found that if I bottle it up, I will explode. So, on those days, I cry. I cry while folding the clothes. I cry while doing the dishes. I cry while blow-drying my hair. I don’t try to hide it. My daughter will ask me what is wrong, and if I can pinpoint it, I will tell her. If I don’t know why I am crying, I tell her that I’m feeling emotional and it’s one of those days that I need to cry, but I will also let her know that I don’t need or want anyone to say anything about it. I want to be able to cry freely and openly and not feel like I have to hide it or talk about it. She understands. Being open and honest also teaches her that not everyone has their lives together and that emotions are okay. They are healthy to process, and it’s healthy to let others know when you’re hurting, sad, or just blah.
Obviously, with having an international ministry presence and a ministry building in which we host in-person groups and conferences, she knows about our fertility issue. She knows about the options, what we have tried, and what we need to be more comfortable or have peace about pursuing. We have a nursery created in faith that we all must walk by to get to our bedrooms. She will sometimes sit in there and read our books on the bookshelf and even pray for a sibling. I want her to have the freedom to believe in God in this area of my life. I want her to be a part of the testimony, and I want her to be able to see the fingerprints of God through the highs and lows of what a waiting season looks like. If I kept it a secret of what He has done, what He is doing, and what we are asking Him to do, she would miss so much regarding how to walk by faith, not sight. This season of our lives is a teaching moment for me as a parent to train as a Christian when you are in need of something or life doesn’t turn out as planned. I also have the opportunity to show her what it is like to contend, be persistent in prayer, and praise Him through the tears. She has her problems and life stresses, but it also makes her feel good to know that I’ve invited her into mine. She is on our team as a family, too, and if I expect her to talk to me, then I also need to talk openly to her. It’s my way of building a bond with her.
I hope this has helped you in your journey and also put you at ease as you navigate motherhood in uncharted waters. I’m praying for you, your son, and your family. The day God plans to bring your next child into the world has a circle on His calendar. You can only do what you can, and then you will have to let go of the idea of control and let Him do the rest. As they say, you can’t stop it when it’s God’s time. When it isn’t, you can’t force it.
With all my love,
Elisha, Waiting for Baby Bird
I had the privilege of her responding to my message and this is what she said in return:
Dear Waiting for Baby Bird, I have read and re-read your message over and over the last month. I just wanted to thank you for your guidance and sharing your story here. Your words immediately gave me some ease in the midst of panic. Thank you for all that you do. I did share with my son, and the most beautiful thing happened. His only concern was the baby growing up and being in school and that he would be too old to watch over them and protect them if they were being picked on. What a gift.
Signed, Relieved and More Hopeful
Do you have a question you would like Elisha to answer?
