If Not For Me, Do It For Him

“If not for me, do it for him.”

That’s all I could cry out in my desperation as I could barely catch my breath while pressing my forehead to the wall of our shower one late summer evening after hearing the news of a friend’s pregnancy.

Infertility is so hard and after nearly six years of crying and begging and pleading, sometimes you just can’t cry or beg or plead anymore. You somehow come to terms with your circumstances and you go about your day with the hope and faith that things will soon change. But the passionate pleading you do while on your knees praying for a miracle? The bargaining you shamelessly do with God? The promises you vow to keep if He answers “just this one time”? And the tears you shed with each reminder of your failed plans and unfulfilled desires? They aren’t the same as they once were. They aren’t as intense. Not after six years. And it’s because you have somehow become numb.

Numb to the negative pregnancy tests.

Numb to the failed treatments..

Numb to the doctor’s reports.

Numb to the baby showers. And pregnancy announcements.

Or at least that is what it has become for me. Numbness. But one particular summer night, with my forehead pressed to the shower wall, my hands firmly placed on either side, and tears pouring down my face, the numbness that I had been feeling towards our inability to conceive came alive as I began to replay the moments of the evening.

Just hours earlier my husband’s phone rang and as I leaned in to listen I realized it was a friend. I continued on with painting our dining room walls when I heard him end the call by saying, “Nah man, thanks for calling…I really appreciate it.” Thinking nothing of it, I heard him come slowly walking towards me and as I turned to look at him, he just stood there. He put his hands on his hips and with a slight hesitation said, “That was so-and-so and his wife is pregnant.”

Smiling, I turned back to the wall I was assigned to paint and expressed my happiness for them and their two older children. Expecting him to turn back around and leave the room, I noticed he just stood there; looking down at me. Worried that he would think I was angry, perhaps even jealous, or at the very least upset, I slowly turned back around to look at him. I wanted him to see that I was fine. And that I was strong. And I wasn’t crying. After all, I have become numb. But as I turned to have my eyes meet his in order to give him that reassurance, the numbness I had been feeling over the years started to slowly fade away. And the pain of infertility that I hadn’t felt in so long started to resurface.

Because while I didn’t feel sorry for myself, nor did I feel abandoned or forgotten or cheated by God, I felt it for him.

Because this struggle, these shattered dreams and crumbled plans that have been laced with so much heartache and tears, is not because his body can’t create life, but because my body can’t seem to do it. And while he has never blamed me, and I know he never would, I couldn’t help but in that moment feel the weight of it all.

I couldn’t help but feel the guilt that he has been cheated and robbed blindly of even the simplest moments of life that so many others around him get to experience and enjoy; such as calling his friends to share in his exciting news.

Because the truth is I can handle never experiencing the moment when I am able to call and tell my friends and family that I am expecting, but I can’t handle the thought of him not being able to. He deserves everything he had planned and dreamed of ever having when he once-upon-a-time envisioned his life before our diagnosis of infertility.

This is why on that late summer evening with my forehead pressed tightly against the shower wall, my hands firmly placed on either side, and tears pouring down my face, I once again begged. I once again pleaded. And I once again shamelessly bargained. But this time in my exasperated plea of desperation, I asked Him to not do it for me, but for him.

Lord please, just do it for him.

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42 thoughts on “If Not For Me, Do It For Him

  1. This post truly hit home for me. Thank you so much for sharing. I can stay numb most of the time, but, as with yourself, there are moments when it comes crashing down around me. Thanks again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Me too sister. I’ve uttered that same prayer. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us , for your honesty and amazing faith , and most of all for your encouragement and hope you give. You are truly a blessing and I actually feel like you’re a friend I can relate to who’s walking this same difficult road as I am, even though we’ve never met. You are in my prayers always ! And I am believing with you in faith that your own miracle is right around the corner .

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Absolutely amazing. Everything you post is so real and true. I remember so many times of “numbness” I would just look at my husband and have to be the strong one – I pray for the day we all can give our husbands that great news.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh my gosh!!! Yes…. I had a moment exactly like this. The person who called was my brother in law (having their second) and my husband did the exact same thing. In that moment I felt xacty as you described! We had been trying for 6.5 years at that point in our journey with infertility. You and your husband are in my prayers!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank you for this. We’ve been on this journey for 9 years and I can totally relate. I know the numbness. And I have definitely prayed that prayer many times: If not for me, do it for him.
    Thank you for your realness.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow! I have done the same thing in my shower as well. Love that you can put into words your story and be able to share it!!!! Love reading your posts. It had/has helped so much! I did get my miracle and I pray that you get your little bird too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thankyou so much, I can totally relate. The numbness, the guilt, the wanting to hope but hoping just being too hard. The announcements and feeling like you are in a goldfish bowl as everyone watches as you react. Infertility sucks!!! Hugs sweet sister, this journey is a rocky one, don’t forget to treat yourself with grace xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s like you’re right there in my world. I’ve been exactly at this place, and still come back to it still even this far into infertility. Believing in your miracle from the Lord, friend! And until then, you guys are in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love this and I pray that God will answer and fulfill His promise to you and your husband. Sometimes it seems I forget that we are two people going through the same desire, pain, longing, loneliness and heartache.. I prayed the exact same words “If not for me, do it for him” after seeing his eyes all cried out.
    God bless you and the work you are doing.


  10. Thank you for this. I’m not usually one to comment on this stuff… usually I read then go on my way. But this prompted me to say that I had a similar experience of the numbness fading away, just the other day. It sneaks up at the most inopportune times, doesn’t it? I thought after almost 10 years of marriage and 7 years of TTC and 4 miscarriages (seeing NaPro doctors, having procedures at PPVI and praying too!) that it would be easier by now. When will it end? Will it end? One way or another, it has to. Love and hugs to you. God bless.


  11. There 6 pregnant women at my work right now. After almost 4 years of failed treatments and miscarriages, I am definitely numb. We have started the adoption process and I find myself sort of numb with it too…not because I don’t want it, but because I am terrified of disappointment.


  12. This thought enters my mind any time we interact with little ones at church or in the checkout line at the store. My husband is so good with kids, and my heart breaks for him. I pray that his family name will continue on through him, that he’ll have the chance to toss a baseball with his son or go on a daddy-daughter date. I’m with you…”If not for me, then for him.”

    Praying with you!


  13. My son in law an daughter have tried for over 10 years to conceive. I cry as she cries. My heart aches with hers. I sometimes wonder if there was something in my genes that passed on to her that caused her to be “broken”. I feel for him not being able to experience the love of my own child as I did with his wife. I am angered as my own brother has two grandsons that he all but ignores. If I had the means I would gladly spend every penny available to me to fix this. I will pray for you and your husband as I continue to do for my daughter and son in law.


  14. It seems you know just what I need to hear when I need to hear it. Thank you for being so open and honest. It’s been a comfort and answer to prayers more times than I could count. The numbness, the weight, the guilt, the tears. I know I can take the pain of never getting the answer we want. But my body failing causing him pain is beyond unfair.


  15. Thank you so much for sharing your blog and post. I really appreciate it. I have struggled with infertility for five years and I have always felt I was robbing my husband, and our families of the experience of having a little one in ours and their lives and I have recently just started to surrender my feelings of shame and guilt over to God and I have started to accept his plan and path whatever that maybe.


  16. As always your posts are like a breath of fresh air. I’m so sorry that you know this pain too but so grateful for you putting it into words so we can all know there are others out there patiently waiting and trusting in God. It’s been over 9 years for my husband and I and know exactly what you mean about the numbness. I’m always so grateful when the loss comes back up to soften my heart and plead for God’s grace. Here’s to hoping our waiting time is spiritually profitable time. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. 💕


  17. I had just come across this post and I was feeling the same numbness when I found out several of my friends and cousins are pregnant over the past few months. My husband and I have been married for 8 years but have only been trying for the past 5 years. It wasn’t until as few days ago when I found out my sister in law is pregnant (they haven’t been married a year yet) and I just lost it and I was so angry at myself for not being able to get pregnant. I’m still trying to cope with it and your words in the post was exactly how I felt. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.


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