Where is My Baby, God?!

Where is my babyI wrote this post over a year ago and in that time it has sat in my drafts folder just waiting on me to hit the publish button.  But out of fear of being criticized, ridiculed, or having my faith questioned,  I haven’t been able to do so.  It’s hard exposing yourself to the world.  But I know that vulnerability and transparency is often needed because there is nothing more healing than reading the story of someone else and knowing that you are not alone.  So sweet sister, the one reading these words and having the same thoughts, feelings and struggles, I stand shoulder to shoulder with you.  You are not a bad person.  You are not a bad christian.  You are human with human emotions, questions, fears and doubts.   


There I stood in my kitchen, holding our foster daughter’s surprise present behind my back.  I watched as she jumped up and down with excitement for what awaited her, all the while begging for me to hurry.  So after a few minutes of teasing (because isn’t that what you are suppose to do?), I finally brought the Dumbo stuffed animal she had been wanting from around my back and watched as she giggled and twirled in pure happiness.  And with the both of us grinning from ear to ear, I walked…no…strutted out of the kitchen feeling like a boss. By her reaction, you would have thought I had just won her a trip to Disney World.  And me?  Person of the Year.  But let me tell you, my super hero status quickly vanished when less than ten minutes later she comes marching back into the living room with an attitude.  I look over as she cocks one hip up to the side and says, “Is this all? Where’s his mommy? And where’s his feather?!”

UH?! His feather?!?!

Shocked and unable to even formulate a sentence, I finally spouted out, “What do mean is this all?!” And as she cocked her hip up further in the air and stared up at me with her greedy eyes (eyes that I promise had gone from a beautiful shade of brown to a nasty shade of green), I proceeded to say, “Don’t you know there are children all around the world who don’t have…” And before I could even finish my sentence, I saw myself in this four-year old little girl.

Because sometimes in some form or fashion I am asking all day long, “Is this all?”  And let me just go ahead and pull away my mask and get ugly honest for a second.  Because shamefully, I far too often cock my hip to the side and stomp my foot in disgust as I point out what others have that I don’t.  Especially when it comes to those having babies upon babies upon babies.  Because really?  Really, God?!  You let them have a baby?!  They don’t even want one!  They don’t even have the resources to care for one!  Heck, they don’t even deserve this kind of blessing!  But I do!  Because I have kept my nose clean!  I have been a good Christian!  I pray.  I believe in Your promises.  I defend Your name!  I even attend Wednesday night service!  And do I need to remind You that I pay for the meal behind me in the drive-thru every.single.time?  Do you not see?  I deserve the blessing of a baby too!  So why do I have to suffer from infertility?

I know! I know! But I told you I was going to be ugly honest. And I’m about to get even uglier.  Because in my suffering and desperation, I have come to realize that at times, and more times than I want to admit, I have wanted more of my Father’s gifts more than I actually want my Father.  Looking back, there have been many times throughout this infertility journey that I have treated God as my assistant in getting to motherhood.  He has merely been my means to my end.  My genie in a bottle.  I think that if I say this magic word, do this good deed, pray these prayers, or go to “x” amount of services, then He will find me deserving. And my prayer time?  I wouldn’t say that I am “listening” but rather “listing”.  Much like a child would write a wish-list to Santa. And I’m not always sitting in my prayer closet with my Bible in hand for His presence, but rather His presents.  Nor am I always there to look for His face, but rather His hand.

And friend, (can I call you friend since I just spilled my guts?), maybe you can relate to this too. If you were to pull back the mask and examine your life would you also see yourself in me?  Would you see yourself demanding and foot stomping with a judgmental finger point at others who have what you want?  Or thinking that because you do certain “tasks” you are more deserving than “that person” who doesn’t?  I know, they are hard questions to ask.  And hard answers to face.  But if you are honest and answered yes, I want you to know you are not alone. I get it. But better yet, God gets it too. And He isn’t mad at you. Or me. He knows our human nature and He loves us anyway.  But at the same time, He wants us to seek Him for who He is, not just for what He can give.  And He wants us to trust that He is the giver of good gifts (James 1:17) and that He not only knows what to give and how to give it, but when to give it to us as well.

This is why today I am putting down my pointing finger and talking off my “Is this all?!” and “Where is my baby?!”  and “Don’t you know I am deserving of this too!” stomping shoes and saying this prayer…

Lord, I humbly come before you today with tears in my eyes as I tell you I am sorry. I am sorry that I sometimes fail to see that every day I am alive is a precious gift from You. And that within each day I am given, You have jam packed it full of Your amazing blessings.  Blessings that I so often overlook because I’m too busy looking for the next gift from You. Lord, I ask that you give me grace.  And that You help me in those moments when I see someone have something that my heart so strongly desires. Help me to never forget that You will always supply me with what I need when I need it most. And never let me lose sight of Your promise that the desires You have purposefully planted inside the soft fertile soil of my heart, will one day, in Your perfect timing, be fulfilled.  It’s in Your precious name I pray.

With Love

Sweet friend, would you please take 2 minutes out of your day to watch this awesome video?  

 

 


I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on, then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook. Or come hang out with me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird.

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26 thoughts on “Where is My Baby, God?!

  1. Wow thank you so much for this! The moment it came in my in box I was obsessively going over my cycle and wondering when I could test. You are so right, I need to focus on God and be thankful for the blessings he has given me. Thank you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your post. I really related to it. I loved the video too. Can you send me a link to the video clip please ?
    God bless you while you wait for your baby bird
    Beth

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I totally needed this! I am waiting on my baby bird also, and often have the same thoughts as you discussed, then I feel bad for comparing because I am blessed with so much already. It’s not about the gift, it’s about God, and I need to work more on that. Thank you and prayers you get your baby bird soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you…I love this and it’s a great reminder. I feel like I often get upset when others are blessed with children or feel like I’m being punished in that moment. I’m so thankful for your honesty and for God’s grace when we act like what we gave is not enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Remember, you are not being punished and those comparison traps? They come from the enemy to get your focus off His love for you! God loves you and never plays favorites (Romans 2:11).

      Like

  5. Words can’t even explain how this describes me right now, after everything we went through, everything our marriage was tested though and still no baby! Your post defiantly made me rethink it, as well as the counseler I’m seeing

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This was spot-on for me. Thank you for giving me some big things to think about. I love this “seeking His face instead of His hand.” And “listening instead of listing.” I need to refocus. Thank you for the reminder!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This was just what I needed to read this morning, thankyou for sharing! Just found out yesterday my sister is pg, (without trying!) And another one is too. I know it’s all in Gods plan but I’ve been grasping to keep holding onto the truth n not let my emotions and wants take over. This was just the ‘word from God’ that I needed to get a fresh grip..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes girl! We have to hold on to the truth and not let our emotions take over. I often think of Peter when he stepped out of the boat. He was walking on the very thing was causing him problems that is until he started to look at his circumstances and that’s when fear took over and he started to sink. So keep those eyes on the Word of God and His truth! You got this girl! xoxo

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  8. Wow!! Thank you for being so real, so raw and honest! This is so me, I continually struggle with anger, jealousy, and envy. Why has God not given me the child that I desperately pray for and give it others! He tells us to give him the desires of our heart and yet he still doesn’t! Waiting on God and his timing is hard but knowing just because we want it now doesn’t mean that is his will or his timing!! He is the keeper of the keys to everything!!
    I will be praying for you!! Thanks again so much for sharing

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  11. So beautiful! I’m a sucker for honesty and admitting our faults. I love that you are brave enough to admit all the imperfections because if you are enough with them than SO AM I! I can totally relate to the “wishlist” prayers. Most of all I love your prayer at the end, very selfless and beautiful. It brings me peace! (I also like your style of writing. I can really hear your voice.)

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  12. SO so good! Always love your posts & your honesty. I too realized at some point along this journey I was treating God as my genie. Definitely a sobering moment! Can’t wait for the day you hold your sweet baby in your arms. Praying for you today! You are encouraging so many!

    Like

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