“I don’t know how much longer I do this,” cried the words of my heart as I looked over at my husband. Together we sat at our dining room table and as the tears flowed, and so did my raw emotions. Just hours earlier, while at church, I was stopped on three different occasions by three different women asking me how I was feeling (I must have had “that look”). Without hesitation, I smiled and said “fine” before quickly darting off in the other direction. However, “fine” was not how I was feeling. I was anything but “fine.” However, it sure is a lot easier to say and far less awkward for the other person to hear than if I were to be honest and spit out that I am at my breaking point. Because the truth is, even though I can see God’s powerful hand working in my life, and despite believing 110% in His promises, I still feel weighed down by His Sovereign will–trapped by circumstances I cannot seem to change no matter how hard I hope, pray and declare.
I am beyond frustrated and increasingly impatient with God and His ways as I feel stuck in the same storybook chapter of my life. How much longer is He going to make me wait until He starts writing the next chapter titled, “Motherhood?” I just want to shake my fists to the heavens as I scream and yell at the top of my lungs that if He doesn’t start writing it soon, then I am done! Because I don’t know how much longer I can stay hopeful…how much longer I can keep surrendering my plans and control…how much longer I can shrug off the naysayers and eye-rollers. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this. I am ready to move on from always talking about God’s promises, to cuddling them, rocking them, and showing them off to the world around me.
Raw emotions, uh?
Don’t get me wrong, God is good and He is faithful to keep His word, but I’m just tired. Tired of what? Tired of being stuck in this “ugly chapter” and screaming from the rooftops my faith in God’s promises. I’m tired of feeling as though God has me in this holding cell and I’m unable to move forward or go backwards. I am just sitting here stuck as I wait on Him to finish writing my story; and while I sit here waiting, He has asked me to continually tell my story to as many people as possible so that He may get all of the credit for what will happen before it happens.
However, I am tired of telling my story. I’m tired of blogging and having everyone know my business. I’m tired of walking around feeling like I have a big question mark above my head as people wonder if this promise of a child was actually spoken by God or simply created from my emotional invention. I’m tired of sitting in this holding cell and being spit on as others call me a fool, mock my faith and laugh at my belief and love for a child that hasn’t even been conceived yet.
I am starting to feel overwhelmed at the very thought of still telling this same part of the chapter of how I am hoping, believing and waiting for His promise to be fulfilled five, ten, or even twenty years down the road. The longer He waits to fulfill His promise, the more intense the persecution, slander, judgement and doubts from others will arise. Will I have the strength to continue? Will I be able to handle it? Will my “hope tank” even last that long?
But the thing about this life that I am living is this: I have a free will. It’s my choice to either stay in this place that God has led me to and allow Him to continue to write my story, and in turn have me tell it to the world as He puts each new sentence on the page…or I can walk away and go back to living a comfortable life inside my own little bubble away from judgement, persecution, and opinions from others regarding our belief that God will give us the child He has promised. The choice is difficult because following Him and going down the path He wants me to travel is not comfortable and the story He is slowly writing is not easy for me to read to others. Nonetheless, if I want to live an abundant life filled with all of His promises, then I have to obey when He tells me to speak. I have do what He tells me to do or don’t do. I have to trust that ultimately His plan is far greater than mine and His story ends far better than the one I could ever write for myself.
Therefore, despite being at my wit’s end and feeling the sudden urge to hastily scribbled the words, “The End” on this chapter of my life and move on, I’m choosing to keep my hands off the pen and let Him finish writing the story He started in the first place. I am mustering up all my courage to say,
“Lord, I will humble myself under your mighty hand and I submit to You and Your way even though I want to break free. I trust You and will continue to wait for You to lift me up, relieve my suffering, and finish writing Your version of my story with the happy ending you have promised. May Your will, and not mine, be done.”
**This post was written on Sunday afternoon when I was probably at the lowest I have ever been since trying to conceive. However, I’m happy to report that where I was on Sunday, is not where I am today. After hours of praying and having the “ugliest cry” over what I would describe as the “ugliest chapter” of my life, God has given me the strength and renewed my hope to keep continuing on this journey and to keep shouting from the rooftops all that He is doing and going to do in my journey towards motherhood. I had no intentions of publishing this post after I wrote it since my tears have dried up and I’m feeling stronger than ever to keep going; but after thinking about it, and going back and forth with my decision, I decided that I needed to. Not only for me to look back on one day (as in some sort of diary), but I also want all my readers to know that there will be times when you feel like you are at your breaking point–when you can’t go on any longer and that’s okay. What is not okay is giving into those feelings by giving up and letting the enemy win.
It’s during these moments when you are at your breaking point that you take your eyes off your circumstances, off your body and off others opinions and put them squarely on God because only He can give you the patience, strength, joy, peace, and even motivation to keep going…keep believing….keep hoping. It is by the grace of God that I woke up on Monday morning with a smile on my face and the strength to keep telling everyone the story of how I am an enormous (not pregnant) fool believing in an amazing God who doesn’t make promises He won’t keep and who doesn’t start something He won’t finish. **
Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9
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147 thoughts on “Diary of an Infertile: I’m Tired”
This shows you that you’re human being. It’s so good to let these feelings out once in a while, when you’re feeling them. It’s therapeutic to write about them. I am glad you did. I hope you feel better soon. You’re a very strong person. It shows others that it’s okay to feel down even when you’re usually strong. Eventually you’ll pick yourself up. And women reading this who are also struggling with the same thing would know that it’s okay to feel these things. This shall pass and you’re going to come out stronger. Love you girl.
Thanks so much for commenting and being so encouraging! You are awesome and such an inspiration to me. You are stronger than you think sometimes. I admire the strength you have had during your own journey. Never give up and keep believing that even though non of this makes sense to us, God has a plan to use the devils works for our good. Praying for you sugars! Xo
Tired is right indeed. I hope you feel better Love you birdy xx
Thanks sugars! Xo
Elisha, thank you for choosing to hit the publish button. The ‘waiting’ phase can be a hard, lonely place & it’s helpful & encouraging to know we’re not alone; others UNDERSTAND the ebbs & flows that accompany the wait. Again, thank you–you’re truly a kindred spirit. 🙂
Awe thanks girlie!! Sending you hugs and praying for you! Xo
Just wanted to send some love. I won’t try to cheer you up because these feelings are warranted. Just try not to dwell in them too long. I’ll say an extra prayer for you tonight.
Thank you sugars! I am so much better today than this time last week! Your love and support seriously means so much to me 🙂
So glad you’re in a better place!
I. Am. SO GLAD that I found your blog!! Studly and I have been married for almost 7 years (just 2 months away from that fun day), and I, too, struggle with PCOS. Beyond that, I feel like it can be harder at times to find blogs of people in similar situations, but that are also confident in their faith even through this ugly chapter. YAY! So hope it’s okay that I stumbled here and may start binge reading your posts, today… I need the distraction for a day or so. ;P
Binge read all you want too! I hope you find encouragement, hope and Jesus within each post 🙂 God is love, faithful and full of blessings for us 🙂 keep believing!! Xo
Big Hugs going out to you Girl!!! You are an inspiration to so many of us and reading your blog is helping me to be better about remaining Faithful and hopeful in His promises. Thank you for that!!!!
This comment made me smile and I thank you for that! This isn’t easy and I thank you for you support and encouragement! You are such a blessing to me. Xo
The ups and downs are always so tough. When I read back on the posts about how upset I was, it lets me reflect on how different things are now. Things change all the time and we just have to be patient. Glad you’re feeling better!! Xoxo
Oh girl, let it all out! So many of us can relate! It’s okay to be frustrated, angry, scared, tired, overwhelmed… You’re only human! I am basically the most impatient person ever, and our years of infertility drove me bonkers. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it happen for you right *now*. Go eat something chocolate and punch a pillow. I get it. *Hugs*
You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to be impatient. Let yourself be imperfect and know that we are here for you and understand how hard it is to wait. I’m glad you can let it out in your blog. We’re always here to listen!
Thank you so much!! I know it’s totally okay and normal to to feel this way…it’s a natural part of life, but I don’t believe it’s okay to stay that way which is why I am so incredibly thankful that God reached down and plucked me from the pit. He is so good and faithful to give us what we need and help sustain us to keep going. Thank you for always listening and being such an amazing friend….even though we haven’t met yet. How are you doing?
I think its best that you got it out if ur system. And you will definitely have such episodes again too as its all too human to feel this way. Another realization i have had is to not talk abt my struggles to people. Many times i feel they just keep checking on me to see if i am still suffering and hurting. Dont get me wrong….yes they do care…but they also care that along with them i too am suffering just like them. That momentary hurt is enough to spoil a day or two….so i just dont indulge anyone. Hope you feel better….just hang in there!
Thank you so much! I find it best sometimes to go to God in these moments anyway because only He can satisfy and comfort me in the way I need it. I do have several people that I can go and talk to (and honestly all three of the ladies that asked me are one of them) but it just wasn’t the appropriate time nor was I ready to talk about it. I don’t share everything with everyone though and I always set boundaries…for example, sometimes after I am done spilling the beans, I just say that after that moment, I no longer wan to discuss it. Also, if I am not wanting any advice or feedback, before I start rambling I tell them that I just want to vent but them be quiet. LOL! So far, it works 🙂 Thank you so much for reading and being such a great supporter. It means a lot to me! xo
I am jus feeling this same way now. Although I am just as angry for you as I am for me that we have to endure, this post really encouraged me. That’s a blessing! Hugs and prayers!
Sending you hugs too girlie! I have learned over the course of three years that if I just simply take my eyes off my circumstances and put them on God…make a list of the things I have…a list of His promises in scripture on fertility and healing…study women in the Bible who were all barren but He healed…read any of the chapters in Psalms…etc…then it helps LOTS! 🙂
I actually just read a women’s devotional that focused a lot on Hannah and Sarah, it helps! Thanks for the verses too! You can never have to many scriptures at hand!
I’m a bit slow to read and comment due to my road trip with no internet, but I decided a late comment is better then no comment.
I love that you chose to post this. I think its important to acknowledge our fears and our frustrations both for personal growth and for anyone choosing to read who will get to see the complete picture – warts and all. I think all of our fears and impatient moments are what make us human. I am a firm believer that how we choose to deal with tough times that we face (like the one you described) is what will ultimately defines us and hopefully those choices will make us better people.
Anyways, I am happy to hear that you made it through your moment of doubt and hurt. And, you survived and come through shining! 🙂
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement even if it is a few days late 🙂 I will take all the support and love that I can get from you ladies at any time!! Your trip looked fabulous by the way!! I’m a wee bit jealous 😉
I have an ugly hour once a month. It usually hits me day two of AF. This month it was after I called the fertility clinic and received my hubby’s semen analysis. Instead of sitting and ugly cry I decided to mow the grass and pull weeds. It actually helped. Since then I have told my hubby (blog post to come eventually, i told him that day) and I have been at peace. I can feel the prayers and hope and I hang on to them daily. Head up, Gods plan is working through you daily.. (Seriously, look at all of us who commented, this is apart of God Plan for you) Blessings – lisa
So glad I am not alone! Thank you so much for your encouragement! Praying for you right now girlie!! xo
Thank you. I need it. I’m not afraid to ask for it either. 🙂
me either! Prayer is the direct communication to God. The bible says that too many times we have not because we ask not. I would rather ask for a lot and get little then ask for very little and get half of that 🙂
So glad to know I am not the only one!!! Just came through one of those times! Thankful that there is sunshine up ahead and that God knows best.
you are totally not the only one!! Praying for you sugars!! xo
So glad you wrote this! It’s important that others know every day isn’t perfect–that there are days when you doubt. It makes us feel less horrible about our ugly days 🙂
sooo true! We have those “ugly days”
I hear you. I’ve got not great advice for you except to say “I get it”. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder when is it going to be my turn too- you’re not alone 😉
It will be our turn 🙂 We gotta keep our heads up and keep pressing through. 🙂
your honesty is so comforting. thank you so much for sharing your journey…the good, the bad and the UGLY!! xoxo
Thanks girl! It’s important to share all the chapters of our stories.
Elisha, I’m so happy you wrote this and allowed us to see the “human” side of things. That flesh is always rearing up it’s ugly head, but the Spirit is made perfect in weakness. Thank you for writing this and allowing me to know that I’m not the only one who is struggling to fight. Be strong and you are in my prayers.
oh no sugars you are by far not the only one! Keep fighting and pressing through! You will reach the other side 😉 God promises to work all things out for our good. Keep believing and keep trusting! xo
All I want to tell you today is that I love you.
I applaud your honesty and openness. It’s so hard to deal with the raw emotions and self doubt that are side effects of what we are dealing with. They make me feel incredibly human as I, too, cry over the unfairness of it all. I admire your faith through this, and I hope your wait isn’t much longer.
Thank you so much!! Your support and encouragement mean so much to me!!
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