Bananas, milk, bread, chicken nuggets (don’t judge), and a box of First Response Early Responder Pregnancy Tests filled my Wal-Mart shopping buggy one afternoon. I decided on the box with just two for $8.98. I wasn’t “feeling” pregnant, therefore splurging on the box with three for $12.98 seemed like a waste of four dollars. Heck, spending the $8.98 seemed like a waste. But with our wedding anniversary just around the corner I kept thinking of how awesome and dreamy would it be to announce a pregnancy on such a significant day? Ahh…just the thought of it made my heart swell! And butterflies swarm in my tummy.
Excited, and with so much hope tucked inside of my never ending “what if I am” thoughts, I immediately rushed home, placed the other items quickly on the kitchen counter and ripped open the box as I darted to the bathroom. Once inside the privacy of the four small walls, I tossed aside the instructions (at this point I know the drill) and quickly dropped my drawers to take the test. While sitting there, anxiously waiting to see two gloriously pink lines, I saw the same one line I have stared at for the past five years quickly emerge. Drats! As I flung it into the trash, I went on to complete the next item on the “to do” list…dusting.
The next morning with the negative test glaring up at me from within the trash can, and the unopened one staring me down from the counter, I thought “oh heck! Why not?” Because if you know me, you would also know that I am a pee on a stick fool. If there is a test nearby and I have to pee, no matter what cycle day I am on, I am going to use it. I shamefully have been known to waste $50 each cycle on pregnancy tests.
(Dear husband, please know this is no longer happening. I am now wasting our money on other non-important items.)
So, without much emotional preparation, I nonchalantly opened the package and…Uh?! What?! It’s a digital? Since when did they start putting digital tests in with a non-digital? I had never taken a digital test before! And so, smiling from ear to ear, I realized this was a bit more exciting than the 159,386 other times I had taken a test. I was actually eager to see something else besides just the one line for a change, even if it did say, “Not Pregnant.” So, without further ado, I dropped my drawers…
But since the last test (just one day earlier) was clearly a gigantic negative, I had a sneaky suspension this one would be as well; therefore, without waiting around for the long drawn out and dreaded three minutes to read my presumed negative answer, I hopped into the shower. After washing behind the ears, and scrubbing my knees and elbows until they were squeaky clean, I jumped out and this is what I saw…
Two letters–one word. No. UH?! No?! Did it just tell me NO?! How rude! As tears formed in my eyes and I stood staring blankly at the word “NO“, I stomped my foot, whined about the test result and cried as I feared I would never see the words “YES”. Each time I looked down and saw the word “NO”, my mind finished it with…
“NO children for you.”
“NO you didn’t ovulate so what did you expect?”
“NO. So get used to a family of two”
“NO! It’s just not going to happen.”
“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”
It’s amazing how 16 hours earlier I saw one line and said, “Drats” before picking up the Pledge can and dust rag; but seeing the word “NO” crushed me. It caused my joy and hope to be hijacked! And my faith to turn to fear. I never realized seeing this one tiny word would have such a huge impact on my mood, my thoughts, and my peace.
Throughout the entire day, I had flashbacks of my awful three-year old tantrum and I kept thinking about how rude it was for that stupid piece of plastic to tell me NO! Why couldn’t it have said something a little more hopeful or encouraging such as, “not yet, sweetie” or “I bet next time, sugars!”; which got me thinking. Why don’t they make pregnancy tests for those struggling to conceive? Seems like a money maker to me! Haven’t companies figured out by now that seeing a negative pregnancy test can be traumatic for those who have been trying to grow their family for a lengthy period of time? Or for those who have had their hopes so far up in the sky even a space rocket couldn’t even reach them?
Therefore while whining…errr…talking to my husband and friends about the lack of compassion I feel pregnancy tests have for those struggling to conceive, I decided I wanted to make my own “pregnancy test”, but I understand that not each person nor each cycle is the same. For instance, there are some cycles after taking a pregnancy test when I need a scripture to pick me up off the floor, or a funny phrase to bring me back to a joyful attitude; maybe even a word of encouragement to spark hope for the next month. Not every person and every cycle is created equal.
Therefore, I have designed a pregnancy test with three categories; and before you go ripping off the cap and dropping your drawers, you are to choose which one you think you might need. Do you need something more spiritual, funny or encouraging? Maybe you need the combination of funny and spiritual. Or encouraging and funny. Maybe it’s been a particularly rough day and you could use all three? No biggie, because my new “pregnancy test” will be designed like the fun magic 8 ball you remember from the 90s, in which you have an opportunity to just keep switching to the most uplifting “NO” response if the first one doesn’t succeed. Sounds fabulous, right? If not a tad bit genius? I thought so too!
Below I have compiled a list of responses I would suggest using in place of the ugly word, “NO.”
(Because again, who likes to be told no?)
Just keep doing the deed!
The next cycle will be the one!
Never lose hope!
Not yet, but soon!
You’re gonna need chocolate!
It’s probably too early to test…
Not a winner, but keep playing
Time to hit the sheets again!
Go ahead and eat that pint of ice cream…
I’m sure your urine was too diluted
Don’t worry; it will happen
God has not forgotten you!
Never stop believing!
Please try again 🙁
You might want to skip work and just go shopping
It’s not your fault!
God is faithful
Retake in 28 days
This is not the end!
You are stronger than you think!
You are a fighter!
God will fulfill His Promises
You are one cycle closer!
NEVER GIVE UP!
All joking aside, I want you to know that I am on my knees pleading for you to never let the word “NO” steal (and keep) your joy, hope, strength, confidence, and faith. Don’t let this two letter word stop you from pressing through the obstacles and moving forward in achieving your goals and desires in life. Because while it might be a “NO” now, I have hope and faith to believe that one day, for you and for me, it will be a “YES!”
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