Waiting for Baby Bird

Diary of an Infertile: I’m Tired

“I don’t know how much longer I do this,” cried the words of my heart as I looked over at my husband. Together we sat at our dining room table and as the tears flowed, and so did my raw emotions. Just hours earlier, while at church, I was stopped on three different occasions by three different women asking me how I was feeling (I must have had “that look”). Without hesitation, I smiled and said “fine” before quickly darting off in the other direction. However, “fine” was not how I was feeling. I was anything but “fine.” However, it sure is a lot easier to say and far less awkward for the other person to hear than if I were to be honest and spit out that I am at my breaking point. Because the truth is, even though I can see God’s powerful hand working in my life, and despite believing 110% in His promises, I still feel weighed down by His Sovereign will–trapped by circumstances I cannot seem to change no matter how hard I hope, pray and declare.

I am beyond frustrated and increasingly impatient with God and His ways as I feel stuck in the same storybook chapter of my life. How much longer is He going to make me wait until He starts writing the next chapter titled, “Motherhood?” I just want to shake my fists to the heavens as I scream and yell at the top of my lungs that if He doesn’t start writing it soon, then I am done!  Because I don’t know how much longer I can stay hopeful…how much longer I can keep surrendering my plans and control…how much longer I can shrug off the naysayers and eye-rollers. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this. I am ready to move on from always talking about God’s promises, to cuddling them, rocking them, and showing them off to the world around me.

Raw emotions, uh? 

Don’t get me wrong, God is good and He is faithful to keep His word, but I’m just tired. Tired of what? Tired of being stuck in this “ugly chapter” and screaming from the rooftops my faith in God’s promises. I’m tired of feeling as though God has me in this holding cell and I’m unable to move forward or go backwards. I am just sitting here stuck as I wait on Him to finish writing my story; and while I sit here waiting, He has asked me to continually tell my story to as many people as possible so that He may get all of the credit for what will happen before it happens.

However, I am tired of telling my story. I’m tired of blogging and having everyone know my business. I’m tired of walking around feeling like I have a big question mark above my head as people wonder if this promise of a child was actually spoken by God or simply created from my emotional invention. I’m tired of sitting in this holding cell and being spit on as others call me a fool, mock my faith and laugh at my belief and love for a child that hasn’t even been conceived yet.

I am starting to feel overwhelmed at the very thought of still telling this same part of the chapter of how I am hoping, believing and waiting for His promise to be fulfilled five, ten, or even twenty years down the road. The longer He waits to fulfill His promise, the more intense the persecution, slander, judgement and doubts from others will arise. Will I have the strength to continue? Will I be able to handle it? Will my “hope tank” even last that long?

But the thing about this life that I am living is this: I have a free will. It’s my choice to either stay in this place that God has led me to and allow Him to continue to write my story, and in turn have me tell it to the world as He puts each new sentence on the page…or I can walk away and go back to living a comfortable life inside my own little bubble away from judgement, persecution, and opinions from others regarding our belief that God will give us the child He has promised. The choice is difficult because following Him and going down the path He wants me to travel is not comfortable and the story He is slowly writing is not easy for me to read to others. Nonetheless, if I want to live an abundant life filled with all of His promises, then I have to obey when He tells me to speak. I have do what He tells me to do or don’t do. I have to trust that ultimately His plan is far greater than mine and His story ends far better than the one I could ever write for myself.

Therefore, despite being at my wit’s end and feeling the sudden urge to hastily scribbled the words, “The End” on this chapter of my life and move on, I’m choosing to keep my hands off the pen and let Him finish writing the story He started in the first place. I am mustering up all my courage to say,

“Lord, I will humble myself under your mighty hand and I submit to You and Your way even though I want to break free. I trust You and will continue to wait for You to lift me up, relieve my suffering, and finish writing Your version of my story with the happy ending you have promised. May Your will, and not mine, be done.”


**This post was written on Sunday afternoon when I was probably at the lowest I have ever been since trying to conceive. However, I’m happy to report that where I was on Sunday, is not where I am today. After hours of praying and having the “ugliest cry” over what I would describe as the “ugliest chapter” of my life, God has given me the strength and renewed my hope to keep continuing on this journey and to keep shouting from the rooftops all that He is doing and going to do in my journey towards motherhood. I had no intentions of publishing this post after I wrote it since my tears have dried up and I’m feeling stronger than ever to keep going; but after thinking about it, and going back and forth with my decision, I decided that I needed to. Not only for me to look back on one day (as in some sort of diary), but I also want all my readers to know that there will be times when you feel like you are at your breaking point–when you can’t go on any longer and that’s okay. What is not okay is giving into those feelings by giving up and letting the enemy win. 

It’s during these moments when you are at your breaking point that you take your eyes off your circumstances, off your body and off others opinions and put them squarely on God because only He can give you the patience, strength, joy, peace, and even motivation to keep going…keep believing….keep hoping. It is by the grace of God that I woke up on Monday morning with a smile on my face and the strength to keep telling everyone the story of how I am an enormous (not pregnant) fool believing in an amazing God who doesn’t make promises He won’t keep and who doesn’t start something He won’t finish. **

Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9

Hey You Don't Give Up okay


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147 thoughts on “Diary of an Infertile: I’m Tired”

  1. Thank you! I know I am not alone in this journey. I feel like this a lot…just tired, but I know I can’t give up as much as I want to. We just have to be faithful and one day when it’s His time it will be our time!

    1. You are so right Marissa! I keep reminding myself of Galatians 6:9 which says…

      “Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

  2. Honestly, it’s comforting to see you write something like this. You’re such a strong woman, but it’s nice to see you have moments like this too. It’s such a tough journey. I often find myself questioning God’s plan. You’re so right though, “what is not okay is giving into those feelings by giving up and letting the enemy win”. Unfortunately we don’t know God’s plan, we just have to let go and have faith he’ll guide us through the storm. I’m so scared that this pregnancy is starting off just like the last one I had that ended in a chemical, but I just have to try and remain calm and have faith. I hope you’re having a better day. Thinking of you.

    1. I read this comment and immediately had to go and read your blog. I didn’t read blogs yesterday so I am behind. Congrats on the 3 and I am hoping and praying that God doubles/triples that number for you 🙂

      While we don’t know His exact plan we do know that the Bible tells us in John 10:10 that Jesus came so that we may have life and to have it abundantly. That excites me!

  3. Praise God he is our Heavenly Father that we can run to when we are weak, and he gives us new strength to continue. You are always in my prayers! Each day I ask God for you. I know we have never met in person, but I feel as if I have a good friend in you, you are always in my thoughts an prayers. Blessings!

    1. Thank you so much Lydia! That means the world to me knowing that you are praying for me! I hope you have a great weekend 🙂 xoxo

  4. SO many hugs for you. I’m glad you have the courage to write about your “ugly” chapter, and frankly, it’s comforting to read about your more human side. Wishing you strength, peace, and confidence in your choices.

    1. Yes, I wanted everyone to know that I am human too! I have those low points, although this was one of the lowest I have felt in a long time :/ Thank you for your support, encouragement and love! And I love your virtual hugs! hehe! xo

  5. Elisha, I am so proud of you for being so transparent with us! It takes so much courage, and I know a lot of good, godly, Christian women can relate to those feelings, even if IF isn’t their issue, but something else is. I really think it is important for people to see our ‘lows’ too – it just makes us more real and relatable, not like we are untouchables when it comes to faith and trust. We are human and struggling it out just like everyone else. I’ve had SO many ugly days, and much more frequent!!! And I think this kind of honesty will be an encouragement to so many women – not just that you felt that way, but that you felt that way and overcame and came to a place of faith again. That will really give strength to women who feel like they can’t go on; after reading, seeing your low, they will know THEY CAN. You are such an inspiration to all of us, and we are all praying for your baby just as much as our own. Love you so much, and so thankful for your faithful voice shouting out God’s faithfulness on the internet. If the Bible were still being written, I am sure you would be the next name in Hebrews 11. XOXOXO

    1. Your comment bought tears to my eyes Katie! Thank you so much for your support, encouragement, love and understanding. You have been such a rock for me to lean on the last several months that I have gotten to know you! Thank you!!! xoxox

  6. i am so glad that you shared this because our thoughts and emotions are REAL. It is hard to wait on God, some of us have to wait a lot longer than others. It seems so unfair when people like you are following God’s will and being so incredibly obedient and it doesn’t seem as if His promises are being fulfilled, but I know they are. God’s timing isn’t our timing, and we know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to wait, does it? I’m so glad that you are choosing to hold on to your faith and keep the dream alive that God is going to fulfill His promises to you.

    He’s revealed the promise of this child to more people than just you, so you know that He has every intention of doing it. As I’ve said several times before, I DO NOT believe in coincidences. Everything God does is with a purpose and a plan and He wants you to keep doing what you’re doing so that He can bless you for it. And He will – I believe it with all of my heart and soul. I love you to pieces! Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your feelings. I know it isn’t always easy to be an open book to the world, but I wouldn’t have met you if you’d not started blogging. So I consider it a blessing!! XO

    1. You are right, Mel…it’s not easy being an open book to the world but I have to continually remind myself that this life that I am living is not about me or what makes me comfortable. It’s all about Him! Things might be uncomfortable now, but it will all be worth it later. I also have to remember that it must have been “uncomfortable” to say the least for Jesus when He hung on the cross for me, but He did. So the least I can do is this…tell my story and patiently wait for the ending. xo

  7. Wonderful post, Elisha! I would be willing to bet almost every woman dealing with infertility has had a day (or two…) like this. I had mine earlier this year a few days before I found your blog:) I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, but every day is a day closer to Josiah’s birthday! And so many of us are believing that alongside you. God IS using you mightily.

    1. Thank you sugars! I am so glad you found my blog because you have been such a huge source of strength, support, and encouragement to me. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough! xo

  8. I am amazed and impressed by your faith, courage and generosity. You are a truly lovely person. I am just now catching up on your blog and am curious as to why your journey no longer involves any treatments? I trust that God will fulfill his promise but wonder why you came to the path of no treatments to do so. I have been amazed by the RE advancements and miracles and am curious why you stepped away from them. This is your story and your path so please only respond if you want to. Once again- you are a lovely lady and I wish you the best.

    1. The easiest way to tell you is to have you read “Our Story” at the top of the blog site. For some reason, God asked me stop after my miscarriage from IVF in May 2012. I had a horrible experience with the meds/IVF and I wonder if God could foresee more trouble or more heartache in my future if I continued own the path of treatments. I’m not against anyone else using medicine because it’s all different for everyone. I know that He can do the impossible with it or without it which is why I think He has different paths for everyone. I am also a control freak and I can honestly say that I was using doctors/meds to control the situation. He probably knew that and wanted me to surrender control to Him more. I hope this helps 🙂

  9. Tired is the perfect way to describe it. I know the feeling. I’m just TIRED of it.

    We all need to do the ugly cry sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Xoxo

    1. In comparison to the path you have traveled, my tired seems so insignificant to yours. I am thinking of you and praying for you all of the time. I’m praying for your healing sugars…not just emotionally but psychically. Every time i think of you, I start screaming at the devil. He irritates me for taking so much away from you. Just thinking about it makes me angry.

  10. I am right there with you. I know this feeling all to well this week. And reading your blog and seeing what such great faith you have gives me hope. You helped me get through this rough week myself. And for that I thank you!!!

    1. I am so sorry you had a rough week too! I’m praying for you and Justin! He was such an awesome friend to me in school and I know that God has HUGE plans for your future…just like Jeremiah says in 29:11…they are plans to prosper and not to harm. They will give you hope and a future. I can’t wait to rejoice with you when He lifts you up and you get your BFP 🙂 Keep believing! Faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see. xo

  11. I am SO proud of you, dear friend, for staying the course!!! We all have these ugly chapters, and you know what? It reminds me of a jigsaw puzzle. Some pieces are so black and ugly and seemingly pointless. Other pieces are bright and vibrant and beautiful and seem to make perfect sense. At the end, every piece mattered. And one piece could not be fit in until another one went before it. At its completion, even the black, ugly pieces make sense…the railing on a bridge that crossed a river, the chimney on a Thomas Kincaid cottage, the brim of a gentleman’s hat…everything was needful to complete the whole picture. These ugly pieces of our lives will one day come together to make sense. We will one day understand God’s delays and why He couldn’t put a beautiful piece into the puzzle of our lives until after He allowed an ugly one to fall into place. I know it doesn’t look like it, but He truly is working all things together for your good, dear one. When Kevin and I were in our “holding cell” of waiting 12 1/2 years for sweet Zachary, we did NOT understand. But, now that I look back, I can see WHY God waited so long. Oh, my…can I ever see. There were pieces to our life’s puzzle that absolutely had to fall into place before God sent us the beautiful gift of our very own baby. He sent him to us when we could enjoy him most AND when we need him most. I never understood before…I fought bitterness and so much resentment towards those who were easily conceiving, then aborting their babies. There was so much that troubled me. Now, I know why God waited, and I learned SO much during that waiting process. God knew all along…what we needed and when we needed it. I know this probably isn’t much comfort to you now, but hold tight to God’s promise of precious Josiah. He may not come to you today, but he will come, my friend. Then all of this waiting and ugliness will be SO worth it!! Keep looking up. God has not fogotten you…OR His promise. What He has promised, He will fulfill. Love you!!

    1. Oh Cheryl your comment provides so much comfort!! I have missed your comments as they are always filled with so much hope, love, encouragement and support! I just love reading your testimony over and over. It sparks life inside of me each and every time. I truly am blessed to have “met” you on this journey. Love you lots!! xo

  12. Elisha, even though you’ve sorted through your emotions I just want to give you a big hug. It’s okay to feel the way you do and while I hate that this was welling up inside you I am so glad you have released a lot of it. I know it’s very hard to wait on God’s promises. I know the mockery you face when others know you are waiting though the paths are different the goal is the same. I am still filling trusting in God for you too. I know you’ve heard the word soon time and time again. I am confident that it’s going to come sooner than you can imagine because the enemy is vying for your sanity. He’s using people to try and destroy your hope he knows you already have victory! Love you friend and I’m praying for you always. xo

    1. They always say that it is darkest right before a breakthrough. I am hoping this is my “darkest” and the breakthrough is right around the corner. The enemy knows his time is almost over and is trying to thwart me and steal what is inside my heart. But he can’t win and I think he is starting to figure that out 😉

  13. Sorry you’re having a bad day. it’s good to write it down and take it out of your system. I hope tomorrow will be better and, above all, that the next chapter will start soon. Big hug! xx

    1. This bad day was Sunday 🙂 I posted at the end of this post that when I woke up on Monday, I was refreshed and ready to take on the world. I’m hoping this strength lasts for another week 😉 So far, I’m doing much better. Thank you for the big hug!!! You are such a great source of encouragement to me!!

  14. Even as some one who doesn’t share your beliefs, I think your faith is beautiful. You find strength and comfort there. Anyone who tells you to give up something that gives you hope is the crazy one. Not you.

    Wherever you find strength, wherever you find peace- that’s where you need to be.

    1. I agree!! Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It honestly means so much to me! You and all my other blogging friends are some of the reasons I choose to still blog because its comments like yours that help me get through the rough days. xoxo

    1. Thanks girl! Being honest makes me vulnerable but both David and Job in the Bible were honest and their stories has helped millions…I’m hoping my brutal honesty will help just one.

    1. Amen! I totally agree with you that it’s okay to cry and hash it out, but that we shouldn’t stay in that state long. Love ya girl! xo

  15. Thanks for sharing! I think it’s important for people to see that we aren’t always as strong as we may seem. I’m glad you’re having a better day/week since Sunday!

    1. I agree! I think it’s also so important to show that the pit we sometimes find ourselves in doesn’t have to be our home. We can climb our way out 🙂 xo

  16. You are not alone! I ended up getting to a place where I told the devil listen up bucko even if I never have any more kids I will not turn my back on my faith and I will trust that God has someone out there now that needs me to be there for them. Our choice, our free will is so incredibly important to remember. We get to choose how we deal with what life throws at us – the good and the bad. I’ve come from a place years ago where I wondered if I should ever have to kids to losing a pregnancy and not being open to a passel of kids and not necessarily ones I gave birth to but ones that need a good Christian home. He knows the desires of our heart and He is faithful.

    1. Yes I often tell the devil all of the time that God is my plan A and if I am still 60 without children then I am still 60 without children. I am trusting in Him. He is the giver of life and He is faithful to His word. I am still praying that I’m not 60 though. hehehe

      1. Something I have learned in my 36 years in life is that God’s plans always end up being better than mine. I’ve also learned the last year and a half focusing solely on attempting pregnancy was making me miserable. So while I haven’t given up I don’t give the devil an opportunity to steal my joy either and right now I’ve committed to a 90 day fitness challenge and a trip to Cancun with some gal pals. It’s amazing how much less I stress over not being pregnant when in make my focus other things.

      2. I totally agree! That is why I don’t obsessively chart, time, check my cervix, etc anymore. The constant doctor appointments and shots were too much for me and my body. The part that was bothering me so much on Sunday was just being so open and feeling like all eyes are on me. But I know that He has called me to tell my story to help encourage, support, and make Him famous. I would much rather live in a bubble, hold onto my promise and then when it happens, tell the world. But that’s not what He wants. I figured if He can hang on the cross and be “uncomfortable” then I can tell my story of how He will fulfill His promises and be a mili of a fraction “uncomfortable” for His cause. Does that even make sense? lol!

      3. Oh totally! Sometimes I’m in church, bible study or something and someone will trigger the “emotions” of the gravity of where I’m at and I find myself just crying. And believe me sister, sometimes that ain’t pretty!

        I had to drive to Arkansas today for work and my husband came with me. We had said if next May we were not pregnant (that’d be a two year mark since our miscarriage) we would explore adoption. We began to discuss the varying ways there are to adopt and how we need to think about which way to look at first and even possibly make sure our families would be accepting of a child that would clearly not be ours. There are so many kids out there need good homes I told him I would be open to adopting even if we do end up pregnant again. Thinking about being able to care for and protect a child that had no one would be an honor.

  17. Thanks for sharing your raw emotions AND how you chose to look to Jesus instead of your trying and tiring circumstances. I know that He’s not the one making you feel imprisoned by infertility. He is the One who has already done everything necessary to set you free…all because He loves you. Praying for you to continue to find joy in speaking His promises daily so that you plant seeds of confidence in His loving plan for you.

    1. No He is not making me feel imprisoned but I feel as if I am in a holding cell…just waiting for the next chapter of my life to start. I think it’s important to share our raw emotions because if someone always thinks I am cheery and I never have moments where I could break in half, then they could beat themselves up thinking they are a failure when they have those same thoughts. The key is to not stay in those moments and let Jesus be your rope to climb out of the pit. I’m just thankful these moments that I had on Sunday are few and far between. God is faithful and He is more than enough. He has a special plan for my circumstances and I can’t see the bigger picture but He can. I am thankful that He is using me and my story to possibly help another person seek Him, believe in Him, and believe in miracles.

      Thank you so much Evangeline for always being a constant source of support and encouragement in my life. I am sending out another free copy of your devotional this week. I am praying over it and believing that God will bless that person through the words written in the book. Thank you! You are amazing! xo

  18. Another great post. We all have our highs and lows. Sometimes it’s challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m glad you found your way again.

    1. Thanks sugars! It is challenging but luckily I am on the other side (for now) and can testify that it is doable. xoxo

  19. This is a hard road, and no matter how strong you/we are and how much faith you have it’s still hard, and we are human. Sometimes I feel completely silly complaining about things but this is an extremely frustrating and exhausting experience. Sometimes its healthy just to get it out so we can move on, move forward. Putting this out for the world to read is brave.
    You are amazing. XOXO

    1. Thank you and you are so right! We can never move forward if we keep holding onto the negative emotions that are weighing us down. Thanks for your encouragement! xo

  20. Beautiful! I have been to this point too and it’s hard but admitting our ugliness is important. God still loves us when we’re ugly and He is working on your promise. You will hold Josiah, I believe it will be soon. It’s so hard waiting on His timing but your time is coming. Do not give up!

  21. You don’t sound just tired, you sound WEARY! You’ve been stuck here for a while and I don’t know what God is up to, but I do know that it is so difficult to see Him working when you’re in the midst of a trial. Remember Isaiah 40:29-31 and know that God will renew your strength. (Though it sounds like you’ve been feeling better and He has kept this promise for you).

  22. You are a person that ahres and motivates others but reminder you are human and you will have times where you feel low and question. We all do. Just like you have been there for others we will be there for you. You aren’t alone and when ever you need good cry it is ok. I am glad you are feeling better but I still want to give you a big hug.

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support, encouragement, love, and grace!! I will accept any and all virtual hugs my friend!! xo

  23. I am glad you are feeling better and that you did post this. Very raw and well written. Speaking the words of how so many of us feel, but also sharing the strength to continue to hope and move forward. 🙂 Love it.

  24. I think it’s a really healthy step to let this all out, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Cleanse and renew. My mother gave me a card once that said “God saves His biggest battles for His strongest solders”. For whatever reason, He knows that you can handle this, even when you think you can’t. I’ve held on to that thought for years and it’s gotten me through some dark moments too. So glad you’re feeling refreshed 🙂 that’s the thing about hope, it’s like a boomerang. It eventually comes back around, sometimes in different capacities. Big hugs !!

    1. I love this comment so much! Thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me! You are ah-may-zing!! xo

  25. Hugs sweetie. Glad you’re feeling better now. It really is exhausting going through this for so long, and the naysayers don’t help that’s for sure, but you are doing everything right and God has you and won’t let you go. I have such a strong feeling things are about to change for you very soon. Hugs girl <3

  26. Elisha – Thank you for sharing this. You are an amazing person and I am so glad that we have crossed paths. Stay strong and reach out when you could use a friend to listen! I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m still sending lots of hugs your way! <3

    1. I am so glad too! I also think you are amazing! You have been through so much yet keep going and never giving up! That is inspirational! I admire you and your strength. Stay strong 😉

  27. Thank you for posting this. We all have hard days if we would admit it. I had a discouraging day the day after I posted my last post and at least once a week I want to throw a tantrum. I’ve told God that his plans sucks several times. With my job I have to make reports for child abuse and that’s when things really get to me! All THOSE people have kids, but why do we have to keep waiting. I’ve wanted to roll my eyes at several people this week and scream at the next person who tells me “to just relax and it will happen!” Btw I have something for you, but haven’t gotten motivated enough to send it yet haha. <3

    1. haha! That’s okay…I mailed you something this week. You should get it soon 🙂 I too have often wondered why some people have children but then I remember that God created us all the same and and He doesn’t play favorites. Those people are just abusing their free will when it comes to making choices. I always reassure myself that because I know that I am following His leading, that the time will be perfect when I become a mommy. I am believing the same for you. Sending you hugs sugars! xo

  28. It is so very hard to trust in God 100% of the time. It feels like it is totally against my type A personality. I have moments like this where I want to take control and leave God behind. I will think “Why is he doing this to me? How could he do this to me?” I know what it’s like to just want that breakthrough, to desire a grand finale for your beautiful testimony that you can share in honor of God! The good news is that God forgives us for our moments of doubt and he constantly shows us why and how to trust in him. He is extending our testimonies far beyond what we could have ever imagined they would become. Thank you for sharing! I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing women being REAL with one another. It’s a beautiful thing. Prayers for you!

    1. Yes I too have a Type A personality and it’s even more of a struggle to keep my hands off the pen but I know that in the end, it’s for the best. It’s not about me…but about Him and I need to try and remember that always. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It’s from ladies like you that help me keep going when I would just rather stop. Thank you!! xo

  29. What I see in this post is that when you are struggling SO deeply, that just means your miracle is right around the corner. The devil wants to keep you in that self-pity (I say that respectfully), but you have VICTORY. Your faith is so strong. God puts us through fire to burn off all the stuff that’s not supposed to be there. To burn the bindings off of us like he did when Nebuchadnezzar put Radshack, Meshach, and Abednego in the fire. He bound their hands and their feet and threw them in. When he looked in they weren’t bound anymore. The ONLY thing that burned were the bindings. I cannot WAIT to see what God does for you. Your miracle is just around the corner. The harder the fight the BIGGER the miracle. That’s what I believe. Hang in there. I love your transparency!

  30. When God gives us a Word conflict comes. Pastor said this in the “Consider the Source” series or something very close to it. Conflict is that struggle for power in our lives. I could see the frustration, pain in your eyes last Sunday. I sure didn’t like ir and I didn’t know how to help but I’m glad you have been able to move to a new place. Today you are one step closer to your finish line. We are standing with you!

    1. Thank you so much Teresa. Yes, you were the third person that day to ask if I was okay and the second I went out the door and hit the pavement, the tears flowed and I’m not sure they slowed down for at least another four hours. I don’t think I emerged from my office that day until 7:30 when I noticed it was starting to get dark outside. I’m not sure when it all hit me but I just woke up on Sunday with such a heaviness. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed. I know God has asked me to talk about it and even blog about it…He wants me to make Him famous…I want to make Him famous but it sure isn’t easy. The easy route would be to keep all of this to myself…keep the promise of a child to myself and then when it happened, tell the world. But that’s not what He wants. I must keep pressing forward 🙂 Thank you for standing in agreement with me! I only suspect it will get harder before it gets easier. The enemy won’t go down quietly :/

  31. So many can relate to this Elisha!! I’m so glad you share your raw feelings too, because the truth is we all have these hard days! I think it’s so important to be grounded in the word and HIs promises (which you are) for this reason – the crappy days 🙂 Can’t wait to hear how He writes the rest of your story friend!! PS the sermon on this post really helped me – it’s an awesome word if/when you want to listen!!! PPS You should text me on these days so I can send up EXTRA prayers! Waiting and believing with you friend! PPPS Your greatest opposition comes when you are closest to your biggest miracle 😉 xoxo

    http://in-due-time.com/faith/help-lord-im-tired/

  32. I told my husband about this post and the comment you left me yesterday. I had first been asking him if I was really letting go of the “control” I think I have in my journey. I was struggling with believing I’m as faithful in God as I think I am because I got mad and yelled at Him, telling him that he needed to have a little faith in me if I’m supposed to blindly believe in Him.

    You know what Cody said?

    “Look at Elisha. She’s probably the most faithful, believing person you know. And even she doubts and gets upset. God understands.”

    You’re a peach, E. I’m sorry you had such a bad day – good days are always sure to follow!

    hugs xo

    1. Oh girl it’s okay to be frustrated…to be angry…to let it all out…but take it to God so that after it’s all spit out and you have basically word vomited on Him, then He can swoop in and replace everything that is bringing you down with all that you need to build you back up. Having a relationship with God is like having a relationship with anyone else…what good does it do, or how can a relationship stay together if you only speak to them during the happy, cherry, joyful times? God wants the type of relationship with us where we can be real. How can He help us if we never go to Him and tell Him how we feel and what we need? So never feel bad 🙂 Go to Him, tell it to Him, and then let Him do a work in you to help you keep going. xoxo

  33. Elisha,
    2 Sundays ago I was in your boat, my progesterone cycle failed to halt my cycle, which conveniently started while I was trying to toddlers in our church children’s ministry.

    As if fighting back emotions from a failed cycle and high doses of synthetic hormones wasn’t enough, couple that with very energetic 2 & 3 year olds. A married woman came to our classroom door after service to announce to the whole room that she was EXPECTING! It took everything I had to pull my big girl panties up enough to get out the church doors without a tear stained face, but as soon as I reached the safety and privacy of my minivan, I lost it.

    I appreciate your post because it lets me know these emotions are a normal human response to an abnormal situation. That although I can keep the emotions in check on most days, I am human. It isn’t that I fall down that defines me, it’s how I get back up. Your posts, no matter how raw inspire me to keep going. Thank you and God Bless you.

    1. Girl you are so right in that it doesn’t matter how many times we fall, it’s that we always get back up and keep going! love you sugars and soon you will be busting into every room announcing that you are expecting!! I’m standing on God’s word for this! xoxox

  34. My heart just aches for you. The song “worn” by tenth avenue north comes to my mind. I love you precious peach and am praying for you and Dan!

    1. Thank you sugars! That is one of my favorite songs! I’m in a much better place today and I kinda feel like Rocky. hahahahaha! I’m ready to take on the world 🙂

  35. Love you! Thank you for sharing the hard to share because we all have bad days. It is good for people to know you are human. We are human and have doubts and sadness. Glad you are feeling better.

    1. Oh yes I am totally human! I believe it’s okay to be real with our emotions and take them to God. He wants to us to come to Him and I can even see Him begging us to come to Him during these times. He’s the only one who can make the exchange of our brokenness for healing. Love you sugars! I think about you and pray for you every day.

      The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:17-19 (one of my favorite verses)

  36. Your honesty is awesome and amazing. Your transparency is a blessing. It lets others know that you’re human and that they aren’t alone in what they are feeling, because so many feel that very same way every single day. The journey that you are on is not easy, there are bumps in the road, and there a valleys. In the end, you’re human. And sometimes, this whole thing just sucks and hurts. Sometimes it just needs to be poured out in all of it’s ugliness. I’m glad you’re in a better place. Thinking of you and praying for you!!!

  37. Hi Elisha 😊

    I wanted to share with you what I’d posted on my FB page recently …. thank you for always being such an encourager! You have no idea how much your posts bless me! Lately, the idea of this journey has just been too much for me. I’ve been finding myself slipping into such a deep sadness (I was reminded of a chapter in the Bible that I frequent Isaiah 61 that always lifts my hopelessness and at times despair) … the other day hearing about the death of Robin Williams made me so sad and made me think about how sad that he being a comedian (his job was to make people laugh and to make them happy); however- he couldn’t find happiness somehow? The crazy thing is I dealt with depression before I became born-again – after the loss of my first baby – Jordan. By the grace of God I never succeeded in my attempts of suicide – God had a different plan for my life. My husband & I met with our adoption case worker the other day, after 6 years of the adoption process – to reinstate our paperwork- and going thru the paperwork with her was a reminder of how long it’s been that we have been in our current ‘chapter’ in our lives. How much I want to be in the next ‘chapter’ already. I did my share of crying that day. Although I don’t understand it and I’ve questioned sooo many times ‘why?!?!?’ I know , like you, that God is just good. Regardless of what’s going on in my life , He’s just good. Our story is not over. He will complete the good work that He has begun. It’s not always easy – I have good and bad days – but thru it all God is faithful. I’m continually praying for you and your husband . 😊 God bless!

    posted August 26,2014

    It came to my knowledge recently, that although a lot of people know me, a lot of those same people don’t know the real me , or my story. The reason for me writing this is not for people to feel sorry for me or for Izzy , but to say that there are people in this world that are hurting or even dying inside & no one would even know. ‘ Be kind to others, you never know what battles others are facing.’ By now I’m sure most people, if not all, know that I am married to Izzy Morales for going on 12 years now. From the outside looking in we are the perfect couple who have it all, always happy & smiling, and always having ‘fun’ in our pictures. What most people don’t realize is that behind our smiles, there’s a lot of pain. Pain that most people couldn’t even begin to understand. This pain, for me, started in 1996 when after a pretty normal pregnancy for the most part, my son Jordan Shalom was born still. At the young age of 19 my life was forever changed, I was now not only a teenager but a bereaved mom. Shortly after I became pregnant again, only to be filled with the grief of loosing another baby a month later. Loosing a child, for those who have never gone thru this, is like a piece of your heart is lost, dreams are lost. It’s almost as if you fall into this abyss and can’t seem to find your way back to normalcy. Grieving becomes your new normal. Before these losses, I’d never contemplated suicide but this became a daily struggle for me. Why did I deserve to be here and my babies didn’t? Was the question I’d ask myself everyday. I didn’t want to continue living with the pain that I felt. So I tried , and tried but failed & failed.

    Fast forward a few years…1999 into 2000. Izzy and I started dating. Within weeks I KNEW he was the man I was going to marry. We got married February 1, 2003- which was one of the best days of my life. There was no doubt that we were meant to be together forever- God created me for him and him for me. Obviously, our plan was to have babies and live happily ever after. If only it were that simple. We are now married going on 12 years and still haven’t had a baby . We have had 7 heartbreaking miscarriages. Every single test run on both of us only to be told by doctors they can’t figure out why we keep miscarrying, there’s no explanation. We have been left with the decision of ‘do we try again’? ‘what if we loose another baby?’. We have also had 2 failed adoptions, one in which we were in the delivery room for the baby’s delivery. Only to be told the next day that the birthmother has decided to keep the baby. We have done 2 rounds of IUI – with intense medication that could make any woman feel like she is going crazy, only to result in zero pregnancies. The physical and emotional tolls have been unexplainable, Still, we are hopeful in God and what He has for us. We will continue to have ‘sustaining faith’ even in those dark days and nights when we don’t know where to go or what to do, feeling like we can’t go on another day-but we do because of our faith in God.

    Today, Izzy & I had to meet with our adoption social worker to reinstate our paperwork for adopting. Talking to her just reminded me of the process and journey that we have been on thus far. It has definitely been faith testing to say the least, but one thing is for sure we aren’t going to give up. I don’t know what our future holds, if Izzy and I will ever be called ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ here on Earth. We do have 9 precious lil ones in heaven that call us ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ that we can’t wait to meet one day. We strive to be an encouragement and support to anyone who has been thru any loss in their lives. We aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we know what it is to suffer in silence & to feel alone in this big world.

    The reason I’m writing this, is just to say this, if you are going thru anything ( today , last week or even this year). Keep strong and don’t quit fighting for what you want. God will give you the strength you need for today and tomorrow He will give you the strength you need for tomorrow. Take it one day at a time and know that there are people that care.

    Tress Morales 💗

    Sent from Windows Mail

    1. I try to always be as transparent as possible. I am thankful that my ugly cries are not near as often as they used to be. I think the last time I just sobbed for hours was back when I wrote “tear soaked pillow.” That was a rough night :/

  38. Oh, I love what you said, humble yourself and don’t give into those feelings and let the enemy win. Thank you. I needed to hear that. Sounds like my life. May God truly bless you because I’m blessed thru you!

      1. Thank you! Physically I am recovering-ish. I still have hives so I don’t know that the antihistamines are working all that well. I’ll be ok. How are you feeling?

  39. Yes…you are SO allowed to feel this way! You are one of the strongest women I know and I can’t wait until you have your baby in your arms…your faith is inspiring and continue to inspire us all…you are amazing and never let anyone else take that away from you! Love sent your way friend!! xoxoxo

  40. Judging by the number of comments left here, your “ugly” chapter just may end up being one of the most beautiful ways you’ve ministered to the people who read your blog. I really appreciated your honesty and rawness. We’re here for you when/if you need to ugly-cry again, just as you’ve supported so many of us through our own ugly cries. Thanks for having the guts to hit publish.

    1. Thanks sweets! I woke up this morning and decided that today was the day to hurry up and do it…kinda like ripping off a bandaid. But I knew that if it helped even one person than it was worth it all. I also want other people to know that yes I am hopeful, yes I am a woman of faith, and yes I do believe in God’s promises…but most importantly, yes I do have those days where I just have an “ugly cry.” It’s all part of the journey. Thank you so much for doing what you do and putting yourself out there as well. You inspire and help so many women and men. Thank you!!

  41. Tired …. Yes that is the word, tired of waiting, tired of staying strong, tired of feeling left behind, tired tired tired. I understand ur bad day I had that all week. Coming out the other side now your words encourage me so much. What a miracle your next chapter will be, but know you are helping creating Miracles as u share ur story.

    1. Thank you so much for your superb sweet words. I am sorry you had a bad week :/ I am praying this week is better for you and that God fills you with joy, peace, and strength as you wait too. Sending ya hugs! Xo

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