Waiting for Baby Bird

I Finally Made It

Elisha

photo(8)

There I was in Wal-Mart dashing in between the aisles of shampoo and body wash, trying to avoid anyone I knew as I raced to “the aisle.” Once I arrived, I made one glance to the left and then to the right, ensuring that the coast was clear. With no one in sight, I grabbed the box of First Response Early Responder pregnancy tests, stashed them underneath the loaf of bread (which I was only using as a cover-up), and bolted to the nearest self-checkout lane.  After grabbing a water bottle out of the cooler of drinks, I scanned my items and made a quick exit out of the door and into my car. Whew! I had gone unnoticed!

I rushed home and scurried to the bathroom. My hands were shaking, and I could barely rip open the box. I was nervous yet excited because, at that moment in time, I still had hoped the sore breasts, constant peeing, sleepless nights, random moments of crying while folding socks and crazy cravings meant I was pregnant.

I had a million dreams of what the next nine months would look like and in three minutes, they could be a million losses.

I wanted to know, yet I didn’t want to know because, in just three minutes, my excitement would either escalate with lots of squeals and jumping up and down or come crashing down with alligator tears and questions of “why!”. I loved the feeling of possibly being pregnant, and I didn’t want it to end. I had a million dreams of what the next nine months would look like, and in three short minutes, they could be a million losses. I was nervous. I was excited. I was hopeful. I was scared.

So as I stood there with the test in hand and imagining my whole world-changing in either direction, I made one last plea to God—“Please! Please, God! Let this be the cycle I am pregnant!”  Feeling confident in my plea, I took one last deep breath, and with hands still shaking, I took the test, and I waited with both eyes sealed shut.  Sweating and not being able to take another minute of not knowing, I peeked open one eye and then slowly I opened the other eye and saw…

(drum roll, please)

One line. That’s it. I kept staring at it thinking, “This can’t be right! I cried while folding socks; therefore, I have to be pregnant! ” Not willing to settle for my fate of another big fat negative, I frantically took it to every room in the house trying to see something–anything. I didn’t care if it wasn’t pink, as long as I could see two. Through my tears, I squinted, held it at every angle, took it to every light, and even shook it as if it were a thermometer just trying to see if the faintest line would magically appear. However, no matter how many rooms I took it to or how many times I held it up to different light, it had the same result–negative.  For over an hour (okay all day), I cried, pounded my fist on the carpet, and doubted God’s plans, His timing, and His love. I.Was.A.Mess.

That was me ten months ago.

Today the scene in my bathroom looked much different. As I stood with the unused pregnancy test in my right hand, I noticed it didn’t shake. I wasn’t anxious, worried, or fearful of the outcome, and I didn’t make any last-minute pleas or bargains with God. Instead, I calmly unwrapped the pink foiled wrapper and said, “I choose to trust you, God, no matter what this test says today.”

I choose to trust in your timing.

I choose to trust in your perfect plans.

I choose to trust in you, the One who has promised, “I am the Lord God who heals you.” Exodus 15:26

I choose to trust in you, the only One who “settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!” Psalm 113:9

I choose to trust in you, the One who defies all logic and says, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

While choosing to trust in the One who has plans to prosper me, not to harm me and give me hope and a future (Jer. 29:11), I waited patiently with both eyes closed. Once I knew enough time had passed, I slowly peaked open one eye before opening the other, and as I glanced down at the pearly white stick resting on my bathroom counter, I saw it…

One line. Negative. I looked at myself in the mirror, then back again at the one-liner, and I realized I had to make a choice again. Choose to worry or trust? Choose to be frustrated or trust? Choose to cry and have a meltdown or rest in the arms of Jesus and trust? I wanted to choose the ‘easier route of burying my face in the pillow and crying for hours, all while thinking about why I won’t ever conceive, but what good could come of it?

So while tossing the ugly “one-liner” in the trash, I said with a shaky voice, “I may not understand, but I continue to trust you, God,” before turning the light off and walking out of the door. No tears. No fist pounding. No hiding under the covers. Don’t get me wrong, my flesh wanted me to crawl in bed and pound the pillows, but what would it change? What good would it do to my spirit and soul?  How could hiding underneath the covers defeat the devil and the thoughts he was placing in my head?  How could moping around with a sour face magically make two lines appear or bring my baby bird into my arms any sooner? It won’t. I had chosen that route before and only ended up more miserable, so I chose another path today.

Through God’s strength, I choose to trust and have hope that at the right time, my season of barrenness will end just like it did for Sarah (Genesis 11-23), Elizabeth (Luke 1:6-7), Rachel (Genesis 29-31; 33; 35; 46; 48), Rebekah (Genesis 25), The Shunammite Woman (2 Kings 4:8-37; 8:1-6), Manoah’s wife–Samson’s mother (Judges 13), and Hannah (1 Samuel 1), because God does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11).

I also choose to believe that just like each of the children conceived from these barren women, my baby bird will hold a special place in history and do great and might work for the Lord.  I choose to believe that he will be the most intentional child placed on this earth…but that’s just proud Mama bird talkin.

So what happened in those ten months that brought me to this crazy place of taking a test, seeing a big fat negative, and then simply walking to the kitchen to get my coffee? I have no idea other than I studied. No, I didn’t study for the pregnancy test (I had those instructions memorized). I studied God. I needed to know that He cared about barren women. I needed to know I wasn’t being punished. I needed to know that He would be faithful to His promises and that He wasn’t sitting in heaven blessing others while forgetting about me. I needed to know if I were to let go of my dream completely and give it to Him, He would protect it. I needed to know I could trust Him. So that’s what I’ve been doing for ten months…learning to trust.

I have looked forward to the day in which I could take a pregnancy test and, no matter the outcome, still be joyful, confident and hopeful, as I continued to trust in God and His promises of healing and fruitfulness. I looked forward to finding myself in a place of freedom and peace, far away from worry and fear. Today, I found myself in that place because of God’s strength, and I hope to find myself in the same place next month.

With Love

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111 thoughts on “I Finally Made It”

  1. Glad that when you are given all these choices, God is there to give you the strength to choose the way that He wants. So for me, I ask for strength daily because I don’t have the strength to depend on myself to make those choices. Hopeful for you that you’ll be in the same place next month.

  2. Although I wish the end result was different, I admire you for your strength and faith! I hope so very soon you are seeing those double lines.

  3. That is so huge and can only be done by the work of the Lord! I pray for that peace too and pray that is continues for you. So far this cycle I don’t feel that stress that I felt before and I just know He is working on me 🙂

    1. Isn’t it the greatest feeling ever!?!?!?! Oh please Lord let me never forget to trust you. It’s such an easier path to take

  5. You are a powerhouse of faith, and an admirable woman. I wish the outcome had been different, but I also know that you, my dear, will be fine no matter what because your soul is shining.

    1. Thanks girl. I soooo wish it would have screamed two lines, but it didn’t and I am just going to trust that God has another time for those two lines to magically appear. Maybe next month?

  6. So you didn’t cry? Not even a little bit? I’m glad God has given you Grace to handle your disappointment and frustration–I consider this a testimony. But for the record, I was reeeeeeally hoping it was a BFP. XOXO

    1. For the record…I too was REALLY hoping it was a BFP! sigh. Nope. Not even one tear. Crazy?!?! I even sometimes cry if I later see it sitting in the trash just screaming at me and it didn’t scream at me today. I just hope next month it is a BFP, but if not, I hope my test day will be like this one…no drama.

  7. I’ll admit, my mouth fell open when I first started reading this post. And even though the outcome wasn’t what I’d hoped, I finished reading it with a smile on my face. I love how you continue to openly share your “trust walk” with us. Keep HOPE alive! 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I could send you a thank you card every day of the week for how much your testimony and faith has helped me.

  8. Madame! I was really hoping it was a BFP, especially since you are a marvel at building suspense. 🙂 I admire your respect, strength and how you have grown in your faith. You are quite the witness! I will continue to pray for that your ‘soon’ will come, especially now that you have found inner peace.

    1. Thanks girl! For some strange reason, when I do get pregnant I might just type the words. Positive. LOL! Hopefully next cycle that’s all the post will say 🙂

  9. I am believing for you that soon there will be two dark lines on that test. You will be your husbands fruitful vine. But while you wait remember those who wait on The Lord do not grow weary. I read that in your post today with the way your attitude has changed from 10 months ago to now. Even though waiting is no fun it’s amazing how Waiting on God can change us. XO

    1. Thanks girl. It’s not been an easy journey, but I do know that I have become a much better person, friend, wife, and Christ follower because of it and that’s all that matters in the end. love you! xoxo

  10. Oh sweet Elisha, I was definitely hoping to see a BFP, but I’m so thankful that God has given you peace that goes beyond circumstances and I’m so hopeful for you. I just know that someday we will be blogging about our beautiful babies. The videos were awesome, thanks for sharing!

  11. Your courage, strength and faith inspires me every day. You are a strong woman with amazing faith. Deep inside I know that God has plentiful plans for us… I just need to be strong and smart enough to keep the negative thoughts away. Thank you for sharing, and I also look forward to the future month(s) where I can take the FRER calmly and not let it’s result define me today. Hugs..xoxo

    1. That’s the first time for me to not cry after one in 2 years! It can be done but only through Gods strength!! Not of my own :). I can’t wait to read about your positive one day!! Stay hopeful!

    1. It was such a better day than all previous test days. Hoping I can continue as calm, cool and collected :/

  13. I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again…I LOVE your attitude! It’s contagious 🙂 I was feeling bad for myself for a second…and then read this and remembered…yes…it is HIS time…not mine. Our time will come…thanks for the reminder once again…xoxoxo

    1. Your time will fo’sho come! God doesn’t lie or change his mind (numbers 23:19). His timing seems to not be in synch with ours but that’s okay 🙂

  14. I remember this so well. The way i reacted at first. Devastated at each one liner or ‘not pregnant’ I saw. I guess I just got used to seeing it. They don’t phase me now and although I haven’t done a test for a while it did get to the point where I would just do one, it was negative and I would get on with folding washing, or getting ready etc. chin up. I’m in a totally different position now and although I’ve never had my positive test i know my life is better than before. Fingers crossed it happens for you soon.

    1. Thank you! I know God has a special plan and perfect timing… I just gotta trust. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    1. It was a hard choice to make though. We always want to be led by our emotions but I couldn’t do that today.

  16. I’m so sorry you didn’t see that second line today. Saying so many prayers you see it very soon. And you are absolutely right, you have not been forgotten. God hears you. Thank you for sharing these videos. They’re a perfect reminder to not lose faith. Hugs.

  18. it’s funny how things change with time. I remember being so such that I absolutely had to be pregnant that cycle because we had done everything right. In retrospect, the cycles I thought for sure I couldn’t possibly be were the months I actually was. It will happen for you in time.

  19. I’m so glad that you found strength for TODAY. Thanks for sharing your heart. I’ve been wondering, since you have PCOS, why no meds to help you ovulate? Maybe you’ve explained this, I can’t seem to find it. I can’t see taking meds that restores ovulation for you as being a bad thing or not in God’s plan for you/baby bird. I say this with all due respect! Thoughts? If you replied to this elsewhere feel free to point me to that post. Thanks 🙂 and thanks for sharing your journey!!

    1. I have prayed about it and for me, personally I don’t think it’s something God wants me to do. Medicine won’t heal me, just mask the symptoms. I had done it before. Once I got off meds, symptoms returned. I also gated the side effects. When I pray, I can hear God tell me He wants to heal me. Which is why i think He chose the name Josiah (means Jehovah healed). Have you read “Our Story”? Anywho, God can get me prego with or without it and since I don’t really like the meds, I just go without. I figured if I got prego without them, then I would have my faith strengthened even more and I like that idea. He is the God of impossibles and I am giving him one heck of an impossible situation. Lol! I am not against meds at all! Don’t get me wrong! But I get an icky feeling when i pray about it so I think it’s the Holy Spirit saying its a no for me. Make sense? Thanks so much for asking!! I am in my phone so I couldn’t elaborate to much. I hate typing on this thing. Lol!

      1. Thanks for your reply! I had read your story (and about Josiah, love the name btw) but couldn’t seem to find anything directly about fertility meds. I’ve been wondering your stance but didn’t want to offend! 🙂 I understand that the Catholic church supports fertility meds when its needed due to ovulation dysfunction (and they are pretty limited on fertility interventions that they support). I tend to think that God would get the glory either way. I know you’ll do what feels right for you! Thanks again for sharing your heart.

      2. I agree God would get the glory (especially from me) either way, but there will also be those that will think it was the medicine I took, the vitamins I swallowed, etc. You know how it is, the second someone get’s pregnant who has been struggling to conceive we are always asking (after our congratulations) what they did, took, dr they saw, etc. Or maybe that is just me. LOL! I want to be able to say the words Nada, nothing, and zilch. I want to give hope to those around me who can’t do medicine or don’t have the money for fertility treatments that it’s okay because God can still do miracles. Once again, there is NOTHING wrong with treatments and medicine especially if God is wanting to use that to fulfill His plans and promises, but I just don’t get that’s the path He is taking me on. I will be honest, I would much rather take the meds and do the IVF sometimes because I like control and it’s in my nature to “fix” what I think is broken. It can be hard for me to just ‘sit back’ and let God take all of the reigns. EEK! hehe! Thanks for being supportive and understanding. oxox

  20. Thank you for openly and honestly sharing the roller coaster ride that is taking a pregnant test. You described all of the feelings that it entails perfectly.

    I’m praising God that you were able to find strength in Him for today and praying that you will continue to find strength in Him.

  21. I was rushing ahead to read where you saw two lines, and my heart was racing in anticipation, then after I saw the one line I went back and read slowly, taking all your words in. It’s amazing how much God can help us grow in 10 months. I love how you’re relying on Gods goodness, character and promises and not the lies we tell ourselves (what can I do in MY own strength, how can I please God SO he’ll bless me, etc) Love you precious butternut and I’m praying everyday that Your time is soon, very soon.

  22. I cried reading this. Was hoping that this was your cycle, but I am so amazed at your strength (the strength that I KNOW is from and through Christ alone,) and your testimony is just awesome. You are so right: God’s very character is good. It is love. And He wants the absolute best for you. I wish His timing was ours, but when it’s not, there is a reason! And I agree with you about the meds. They do not heal; only mask symptoms (sometimes.) But we do serve a God who heals, and who gives LIFE!!!!

  23. Wow. This is an amazing post. I had butterflies in my tummy and tears in my eyes. If I’m being honest, you last year is more where I am now, but hope that I can get to where you are and have such steadfastness!! Can’t wait for my book to arrive and start chipping away at my stubborn and selfish heart! You seriously rock girlfriend!

    1. You should get your lovely package soon :). Lots of goodies inside!! I pray you get to the place of freedom and peace sooner than I did :). Xoxo!!

      1. Yay! In all seriousness, you should write a devotional for women/couples struggling with infertility. You have such amazing insights and God has truly given you a gift of writing/connecting and bringing it all back to Him. Just think about it… 🙂

  25. You are such an inspiration! I’m so sorry that you had yet another bfn but I admire how strong your faith has grown throughout the last 10 months. As always, praying for you!

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! They mean so much to me 🙂 Hopefully next cycle I will have a different post that reads the word, “positive”. 🙂

  26. wow Elisha- I’m nearly angry at you for toying with my emotions like that!!!
    but you trust, and I needed that reminder. God is good, and He sees how all the waiting is actually somehow better for us even when we don’t.
    believing for your healthy little baby in God’s perfect timing. xx

    1. Sorry girl :/ When I get my BFP I will just post the word positive for ya and save all the therapy you will need from my climatic posts. Lol!!

    1. Don’t be amazed! I still have a long way to go in my faith and trust. I was thinking last night that I trust Him with infertility, PCOS and having babies, but do I trust Him if my hubs loses his job,or I find out he has cancer or I get cancer? Scary thoughts, but will I still trust Him with those issues? I hope I never have to find out how far my faith and trust extend :/

  28. I’m not where you are yet, but your posts always remind me that it is possible to get there if we just trust. Thank you for that reminder!

    1. Oh yes you CAN get there. If you noticed, I put in the word “choose”. I had to make the choice and it’s not easy because I kept wanting to be led by my emotions. But faith isn’t based on emotions…it is based on God’s Word so I had to suppress my feelings in that moment and ignore all 5 of my senses and go with the 6th sense…my faith sense. I just hope I can do it next month if needed. xoxo

  29. I love your trust and faith in God. He will give you that perfect moment where you see two lines. I just know that it is coming soon and when it does it will be the perfect time for a reason. For His reason. You have so much strength and I can’t wait until you get to share all that love and faith with Josiah! Always praying for you! So much love my friend xoxo

    1. Thanks girlie!!! I can’t wait for that moment and I see two double lines and I look around in my life and can actually say, “It was THE perfect time.” I know God’s plans and timing is perfect so it does excite me to think about when His idea of perfect timing is…I can’t wait to see it unfold.

    1. Oh I hope it was a good sob 🙂 I watched the first video lots during the last ten months. It really helped me hear of testimonies from others.

      1. Definitely. My operating diagosis is endometriosis so that was helpful to hear. I don’t know my severity yet, I am planning on having the laperscopy done soon and find out.

  31. Isn’t it crazy how stealthy we try to be during the purchase of pregnancy tests? I used to ‘hide’ mine under unnecessary purchases, too!

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the result you wanted; but thank you for sharing your awesome testimonial. I think it’s so easy to forget that our testimony should be something that develops each and every day and you certainly are doing that; and sharing it with the world! When you said you knew Josiah was intentionally placed and going to make in impact; I knew in my heart that you were right. My hope is that you also know that you, yourself, are a big impact! Not only as Josiah’s mother; but also as Elisha: God’s good and faithful servant!

    Thank you for posting those testimonials too, the first one touched me in such a tremendous way.

    1. awwe you totally made my Thursday morning with your sweet words! Thank you for being such a great support and encouragement to me! It means more than you will ever know! xoxo

    1. oh yes you totally can be there!!! I am so thankful to God for this peace He has given me. Whew! It will make it so much easier as I wait for my baby bird. I just have to keep choosing to trust in Him and not in myself. hugs girlie!!

  35. I needed this. I tested yesterday and only got one line too. I didn’t cry either. I admit I studied it in different lighting, though. This time I threw the negative test away a lot sooner so as not to obsess over it later. I am trying to do like you and just leave God’s plans to Him and wait. It is hard, but I know His plans are perfect. Thank you for being so encouraging and inspiring.

    1. You are so right that His plans are perfect. I’m proud of you thought! I think you did good!!!!

      Psalm 113:9 “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!”

  36. I have to say, I was reading this in anticipation and hopefulness that you got your bfp and then I cried some tears for you. So glad God is giving you peace in this storm. Your strength is incredible. And just remember, Hannah trusted and had faith but she also wept. His power is made perfect in our weakness.

    You have been on my prayer list for quite some time and I will continue to pray!

    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement. They help so much. God is so good and He is faithful. Don’t worry when I get my BFP, I will just make a post that says “positive”. Hehe!

  37. Your blog’s tagline is very powerful, and sums up your post best.

    Your faith is admirable. I know women who were told that they had no chance of conception on their own and yet they did go on and have children.

    xo

  38. Well I have read this just about 10 times and wasn’t sure what to say because well it quite literally was about me. I love that you blogged about it because when I had my first “throw it away don’t look back” moment I wanted to scream from the rooftops that I had victory over this situation in that moment! I have a peace that we will both get our BFP soon! When that happens we must meet and get our babies together 🙂
    btw I so agree with whoever mentioned a book!!! Love ya!

    (I loved my magnet, I have a box for you, I am the worlds worst at going to the post office just an fyi. lol!)

    1. yay!! I’m so glad you had victory! Each month has gotten easier but this month was by far the easiest…i didn’t even pull it out of the trash hours later to examine it again 🙂

      And we will fo’sho be getting our babies together!! That’s a fact, jack! LOL!!

      No worries about the post office. I only seem to go so often because I do not work and it helps get me out of the house 🙂

  39. What a beautiful post. I’m sorry this wasn’t the time for your BFP, but you have such an amazing faith and trust in God. I truly believe that with God, all things are possible. Saying a prayer for you that your child is on his/her way soon.

  40. Wow — your attitude takes the complete power of God! I am just amazed at what He can do when we’re willing to submit our emotions and willpower to Him. It’s so hard to do but you chose to do it and you stuck to it when it was probably so easy to waver and doubt — good for you! I’m so sorry you didn’t get your BFP. I’m sure it sounds so simple to people on the outside at times…”oh it’s just one month, why is it such a big deal”…but you and I and everyone here knows that one month is a long battle in and of itself. The culmination of all that emotion and investment, especially when piled on top of month after month/year by year of the same result, is so exhausting, heartbreaking, and can be debilitating. I am so blown away at what God was able to do with you when you chose to say “I trust you anyway” and really mean that. I hope you get your BFP next month!! And thank you for sharing those videos, they are really touching. I cried!

    1. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support. They mean so much to me! I also love the videos. I know that God does not show favoritism and what He did for those women, He can and will do for me as long as I don’t waver in my faith. hugs girl!!

  41. I think if there is one thing think infertility teaches a lot of Christian women who go through it, it’s how precious peace is. It’s those moments that, even when we don’t get what we want, we can actually say we’re still at peace that are so special. It’s absolutely a testament to your own commitment to wait on God’s plan that’s allowed you to handle it with such grace. Proud of you!

  42. Believing with you…. forever & always. I love you… P.S. I cried for you…love tears.

  43. Wow Elisha. This is powerful stuff. Every paragraph I was reading you seriously took me on a little emotional journey haha but one that ended in me feeling absolutely empowered and ready to study and TRUST in His word and promises – thank you lovely lady! You are a place of continued encouragement with your words!

    1. Awe you are too sweet! I firmly believe in studying His word in order to overcome every obstacle in our lives. His word is alive, active and powerful!

  44. This post makes me sad. There are so many ups and downs and I admire your positive attitude, but this whole situation just sucks! I am sorry you didn’t get a positive test, and unfortunately I know too well what its like to only get a negative result. Hopefully it happens soon!

    1. God is so good and faithful to His word. I have faith that He will do the impossible and I will see those double lines one day. 🙂 I know He can and will do it for you too. He does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11)

  46. This is such a beautiful post…It made me want to cry and sing for joy at the same time. God is so faithful, even in the midst of the fog we may not understand. Such a good reminder today. One thought I had as I was reading your post is this: What if God is waiting to create this baby until just the right time, just the right circumstances, for him or her to do the great work God has for them to do? May you find rest in Him in the midst of waiting. You sound like an amazing woman!

    1. Your thoughts are absolutely right on to what God has been speaking to me for months 🙂 I have actually mentioned it in several of my past posts. God has a not only a special place in history for me, but also my future baby birds. This holds true to everyone desiring to have a child. Sometimes we get so rushy, rushy that we forget HIs plans and purposes are higher than ours. We can’t rush His time table or else we can thwart his plans. I often think about this when Sarah rushed God’s plans and Abraham slept with the maidservant. Ishmael wasn’t the child God promised and it caused lots of bitterness, resentment, and even wars. YIKES!

  47. Ahhhh Elisha, I was so hoping it was a BFP too. But you continue to be amazing. I mean this with all my heart, your faith is so inspiring. To the point that I often question, how would Elisha handle this. 🙂 I’m proud to know you!

    1. bahahaha! That is funny girl!! Lately as things have happened, I usually do an eye roll and shrug my shoulders. hahaha

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