Today is the day! If you remember my post Sweet Dreams, then you will remember that I always take a pregnancy test on the 17th. Right now I am currently on calendar day 34, which to most, this insinuates I am late and therefore pregnant. Whoo hoo, right?! Well, not so fast. Because in the world of those who have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), this means absolutely nothing. My cycles are never regular, let alone the textbook 28 days. In fact, you should see my face when anyone mentions they have a regular 28 day cycle. Say what?! They exist?! Because mine last anywhere between 40 and 70 days! I just never know…and I can never predict. Ever.
But because it is the 17th and I am past 28 days, I thought, “why not?!” Why can’t today be the day I see two pink lines? Why can’t today be the day my waiting ends and my dream begins? Why can’t today be the day a miracle takes place? And so with hope and quick prayer, I took the test and lo and behold I could see a faint line. But if I looked away and then back at it again, it wasn’t there anymore. However I realized if I stared long enough at it, trying to examine where I think it should be, the line would mysteriously show up again. Ugh! Why can’t it just be obvious?! And so with my heart racing and my eyes going crossed, I took it to my husband to see if he could see anything. I watched anxiously as He stared and held it up to the light; I kept thinking he would say at any moment he too saw something, but instead I painfully heard him say, “No, I don’t see anything” before handing it back to me and reaching out for a hug.
Tears began to fill my eyes as I quietly whispered, “But if you stand over here maybe you will see something…?” And so holding on to hope I took him everywhere in the house. First the kitchen…then the living room…next the bathroom…all while praying he would see the same line…the one that must be imaginary. But he didn’t. Another negative in the trash.
I hate those lines. You know the ones you can see but no one else can? The ones that cause your heart to race, your body to go numb, and your thoughts to run wild. I hate that sometimes in my desperation my eyes and my mind play tricks on me. Because it only brings hope, followed by a crash. But friends, as I tossed the test with my imaginary line in the trash, I heard a gentle whisper from God. And He said, “You keep seeing what no one else can through your eyes of faith, because one day, everyone will be able to see what you have been able to see all along.”
Friend, does that mean the imaginary line I saw just hours ago will magically appear to be a real one in the next 24 hours if I were to test again? Only God knows and only time will tell. But what I do know is that as much as I wanted to see two pink lines today and as disappointed as I am that I didn’t, I still have hope that one day I will. And I believe that when I do, it won’t be a mystery. I won’t have to go to every window or stand under every different light in my house. I won’t have to balance on one foot and hold my mouth just right. I won’t even need validation from anyone else because it will be an unmistakable solid set of bold parallel lines. I can already see them. Even if no one else can.
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord. Psalm 27:14 (AMP)
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