Hey there sweet sister,
Can I lean in and whisper something to you? It’s the beginning of the New Year and everything is still fresh. I can still sense your overwhelming hope for the weeks and months ahead. I can still see you fist pump the air as you shout, “THIS WILL BE OUR YEAR!” And you know? I am right there with you! I am holding my pom-poms and doing cartwheels in the living room. (And feeling sore afterwards.) I am hoping and believing this will be our year. The year of fulfillment.
The fulfillment of our dreams. Our desires. Our hopes. And our wishes.
But sister, because it is life, I also know that at some point in the year something might not go according to plan. An obstacle might come and block your path. Or perhaps the same old one you have been staring at for months or even years just won’t seem to move. And I know that as time marches on in the year and events take place, pregnancy announcements by others are made, and holidays fly by, all without the desires of your heart fulfilled, the hope and faith you have that change is just right around the corner? The excitement you feel right now? It might get lost.
It might get lost when Easter quickly approaches and you do not have a little one of your own to give an Easter bunny basket to, color Easter eggs with, or purchase a new Easter Sunday outfit for.
It might get lost on Mother’s Day when you don’t hear the pitter patters of tiny feet come running down the hallway ready to serve you breakfast in bed, give you a noodle necklace to proudly wear, or a homemade card to display.
It might get lost when you and your spouse venture to the beach for a vacation this summer. It will seem like a good idea to break away from the pain that infertility can bring and reconnect with one another, but as it might turn out? Your womb could ache even more as you watch families enjoy splashing in the water and sculpting sand castles together.
It might even get lost in the noise of your internal biological clock ticking louder as your birthday painfully comes…and then painfully goes…all without a baby in sight.
It might get lost when the pregnancy test comes back negative (again), a treatment cycle gets canceled (again), or a doctor diagnosis leaves you with few options for a solution.
It might get lost when your friend announces she is pregnant with her second…or third…or even fourth.
It might get lost with a failed adoption match…enough said.
And it might get lost every day in early August when you check Facebook. Because your news feed will be flooded with first day of school pictures and you will want so badly to have a picture of your child to include in the mix. But you can’t. And you will sit there wondering if you ever will.
Halloween will also sting, as well as Thanksgiving. Because as you sit down at the dinner table, you will remember how last year you whispered to yourself that “this time next year” you would either be eating for two or enforcing the rule that everyone must use Germ X before holding your baby. But as “this time next year” will come and go, you might find yourself still eating for one (although your plate might beg to differ) and there will absolutely be no need for the Germ X.
And I’m not even going to sugar coat Christmas. Because when the holiday season rolls around and you hear a newborn baby cry, walk pass the baby’s first Christmas outfits hanging in the store, or look at an adorable photo of your niece or nephew sitting on Santa’s lap, a lump might form in your throat as you try to hold back the tears. Your stomach might tighten as feel your knees buckle. And it’s because your hope won’t just be lost in that moment, but rather gone.
Sweet sister, I don’t share with you these potential moments to cause your heart more pain, but rather to remind you that if any of these happen, and sister they might, I want you to remember to go back to that fist pump…it’s the one in which you proclaimed, “THIS WILL BE OUR YEAR!” And when you do? I also want you to remember the feeling you had in that moment. The feeling of excitement that anything is possible, change is coming, and fulfillment is at hand.
Don’t allow yourself to forget it.
Don’t allow yourself to lose sight of hope as the year goes on and change doesn’t happen. Or the achievement of your dreams do not meet the deadlines you have set forth. Don’t let go of your faith in the midst of bad news, chaos, and uncertainty. Don’t let your shattered plans keep you from making new ones and moving forward. Or unanswered prayers hinder you from praying without ceasing. And please don’t let go of this thought. The thought that your dreams, your desires, your hopes, and your wishes will one day by the grace of God come true.
Because no matter what happens in the days, weeks, or months ahead, the truth is this. Your circumstances can still change, miracles can still happen…and happen suddenly…and this year can still be your year. But if not? Perhaps the next. Because I believe God planted this burning desire for you to be a mother in the soft fertile soil of your heart for a reason. And I don’t believe He has abandoned you with it. I don’t believe He has aborted it. Or forgot how to make it come true. He still has plans for you, sweet sister. Plans to one day have the desires grow from your wounded heart, into your aching, yet loving arms. So, please, don’t let go…don’t let go of this hope.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.~Hebrews 10:23
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
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