I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been on this journey for years, but I think we can all agree that it is tough. Really tough. When I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. I don’t think any of us are. But for me, I was naive. I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying; and rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now, years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused with a diagnosis of PCOS, then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage, and I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same. Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive.
I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month.
It’s like a grave that keeps following you around as it grabs your hope and buries more of your dreams with each failed cycle. Not to mention, it’s a fierce battle between your hope, your faith and your circumstances. A battle you must fight to win every day. And a battle that is exhausting.
Infertility is also letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents. But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test. It’s going from shock after seeing only one line. To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other. All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible. And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t. And possibly won’t…at least not this time. It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month. And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again. Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not. Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight. Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.
It is watching your life be put on hold. Or even pushed backwards. It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe. And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy. Or punished for some past sin.
Infertility is a disease. Yes, a disease that often times makes you feel different. Alone. Insecure. Embarrassed. Forgotten. Broken. And Overlooked. It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve. It suffocates your hope. Weakens your faith. And steals your joy. It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition. And if there is? You have tried it.
It’s sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery. It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night. It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.
Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love. It’s dreaming of the day you are able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store. It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared that this dream might never happen.
It’s breaking down and purchasing the blanket…that one soft blanket you absolutely fell in love with in the store. And it’s bringing it home and holding it up to your cheek while laying in bed and wondering. Wondering if it will ever be used for something other than to soak up your tears every night.
Infertility is begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you. But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t. It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best. His timing is perfect. And that it will happen. One day…you hope. It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to you despite your feelings and circumstances. All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children have such a blessing. It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating. It’s gut-wrenching…
And it’s more than just the inability to conceive.
But sweet sister, can I just whisper hope into your heart today? Because I can’t help but believe that the pain you and I feel, the dead-end roads we have faced, and the dreams that have buried with our tears are all ingredients for the miracle we have been praying every night for. I know it looks impossible and seems hopeless right now, but if you hadn’t noticed, there is rarely ever a miracle without first the overwhelming pain of a problem; a problem that is full of heartache and frustration that causes tears, sleepless nights, disappointments and intense grief. But also, a problem that God has proven time and time again isn’t a problem at all–at least not to Him. Because did you know that there are seven couples in the bible who were unable to conceive? Seven. And all seven by His grace overcame. So hold on. Don’t become too discouraged after another failed cycle. Or allow fear to creep into your thoughts that you will never become a mom. Instead, hold onto hope that things can change. And then mix it with faith to believe they will. After all, I can’t help but think your problem, and my problem,are simply creating the perfect breeding grounds for a miracle.
A miracle that God has shown He can and does desire to perform.
“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” ~Albert Einstein
“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.” ~Napoleon Hill
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