Waiting in the Courthouse

As I sat in the crowded waiting area of the courthouse, I watched as others paced the floor with fear and anxiety. I saw the worry deepen with each step they took.  And every time the bailiff would come out to call the next case, everyone would stop…But then quietly resume if it wasn’t their turn.

And as I watched them, I slowly felt myself change.  My heart began skipping beats.  My stomach started twisting in knots. My palms became sweaty as my body temperature increased.  And the peace I had worked so hard to obtain in the days leading up to this court date, gone.  The calmness I once felt as I walked up the stairs, vanished.  And in its place, anxiety.  And fear.

I found myself playing different scenarios in my head. Scenarios of what might happen when it was our turn to go and listen to the decisions others would make for our foster child.  Scenarios of how I might feel and what my home might sound like if she is placed with someone else. And once those scenarios played like a movie reel in my mind, panic set in. The worrying intensified.  And I began to pace the floor with the others. I begged God to come quickly and whisper words of wisdom in the ears of the judge. And the lawyers. And her parents. I begged Him to protect her.  But as I begged, and then doubted if my begging was good enough, or if my prayers were being heard over the others, I remembered Psalm 112:7 which says, “He will have no fear of bad news; for his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord.”

And as I nervously walked around in circles, I repeated it again. He will have no fear of bad news; for his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord. And again. He will have no fear of bad news; for his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord. And again. He will have no fear…And again. He will have no fear…

And in the midst of my mantra, her name was called.  It was our turn.  And as we made our way into the courtroom, my legs felt like wet spaghetti noodles. My hands were shaking as I tried to hold open the door.  I couldn’t breathe.  But in the 23 minutes in which I sat there, shaking like a leaf and listening to everyone discuss the best interest of the child, God showed His character and His faithfulness.  He proved that He can be trusted.  And He proved His love once again for this little girl.

And as the court adjourned and we were on our way home, I wondered why I was worried if I believed in His word.  What did I have to fear if my trust was Him. Why did I feel the need to beg? Or keep begging?  Or doubt? Or wonder if my prayers were only reaching the beautiful ceiling of the courtroom?

I didn’t.

Because He was there.  He was already with us. And He had already gone before us and made a way. His words had already been whispered. His hand was already protecting. He was in control. And so there was nothing to fear.  No reason to pace the floor. Or walk in circles.  Or stop breathing.

And so looking back, the only scenarios I needed to play in my mind while waiting for our turn, were the ones I had already been playing before I allowed fear to set in and panic to take over.  They were the ones in which I would be coming home and cooking her a warm meal.  And the ones in which I would be snuggling with her while watching Bambi before giving her a bubble bath.  And the ones where I would be reading her a Bible story and kissing her forehead before tucking her safely into bed.  And my friend, those were the exact scenarios that played out in my home tonight.  And I owe it all to Him.

Now if I can only remember His faithfulness (and to breathe) at the next court date…

And if you could, please say a prayer for her sweet Momma as she works to get back on her feet. 

rounded in bed

If you could, please say a prayer for her sweet Momma as she continues to get back on her feet. 


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56 thoughts on “Waiting in the Courthouse

  1. I am thrilled that so many are looking out for that one precious little girl! I love that you are able and willing to shower her in the love that she so deserves through simple things like a warm, home-cooked meal, a bubble bath and snuggling watching Bambi.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Bambi is her favorite movie right now. Actually…it is Bambi 2. I didn’t even know they made a second bambi. I haven’t let her watch the first one yet. I figured the mom being killed in the first one would be a bit too scary for her :/

      Liked by 1 person

      • I had no idea there is a Bambi 2! I learn something new every day. 🙂
        Honestly, I’m kind of glad she hasn’t watched the first Bambi yet. It’s still too sad for me to watch it, so I cannot imagine how hard it would be for a little one to understand.

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    • My biggest fear in all of this, is having to come home and tell her that she can’t stay here all the time. That’s always the number one question she asks us….”Can I stay here all the time?” It’s her heart I am always most worried about. sigh

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s completely understandable. She’s so little, there’s no way to make her understand what’s happening. Does she ask about her mom or family at all? I know you can’t talk too much about circumstances or anything, I just feel like it’s so sad that kids are made to deal with these sorts of situations. It’s so important that people like you can give them such a loving home with some stability, for however long they need it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I talk about her mom and family (in good ways) on a regular basis. We pray for them at night and I try to include them in our conversations to help keep them alive in her heart.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so glad to know that Goldilocks is still with you. I know that the end result is to get her back with her mom, but I couldnt bear to think of how unhappy you will be when she does go…..all of you. When is your next court date?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am always most worried about having to come home and tell her that she is being moved or placed with someone else. Because since technically we are not relatives and just foster parents, a relative could come out of nowhere and request to keep her. yikes. I only want her to come home with her Momma or a relative that had a prior relationship with her. So I’m always on edge.

      Liked by 2 people

    • yes girl, it was so pointless. Before I started watching everyone else freak out (and they weren’t even involved in our case), I found myself start to freak out. And then I couldn’t just sit there and relax or talk to my husband. I just freaked out! And why?! It was totally not worth the sweaty pits! lol

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  3. I am so happy to know that she is still with you, because that means she is safe and cared for and loved beyond belief. I dread the day she has to go and will no longer be a part of your…and all of our (your readers’) lives. That will be a sad day for all of us! God bless you for having such a big, gentle, loving heart!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • i don’t necessarily dread the day as long as she is going to be with her Momma. Because I know that if she is going with her Momma, then her Momma’s life has been rescued by God. Her life has been restored. She is healed spiritually and emotionally. And overall, a better person who is no longer in the pit. And to me, that would be AMAZING to see that a life has been forever changed.

      Thank you always for your support. Fostering isn’t easy, but sweet people like you, make it easier. xo

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  4. Thinking of you! We had our first family visit yesterday and the rest of the night and this morning was HARD. Screaming, kicking, tantrums. Bad. How do you cope after visits?

    Liked by 1 person

      • They arent in counseling yet. YET. They need it terribly. I tell them its ok to cry and be sad and mad but the blood-curdling SCREAMING I have a hard time tolerating.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I haven’t had that issue from her yet, but I have heard and talked with several other foster parents who deal with issue on a regular basis. I think I got lucky with Goldilocks.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yes He sure does 🙂 My goal is to everyday seek His plan rather than my own. Because ultimately, His plan is far better than anything I could think of on my own. xo

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  5. You’re so strong. I can only imagine being surrounded by that anxiety and hardly realizing it’s slow creep over to you as well. I’m SO glad you saw clearer later on, though. And even more thrilled that the crazy thing is that even if we didn’t stop worrying and think to pray, God still has our best interest and his plans for us at heart and he’s already doing the whispering and nudging all the while. He rocks.

    And I am SO SO SO glad that Goldilocks is still with you guys. Hoping she’s with you until her Momma can get herself together enough and is ready to take her home. Even then, just out of pure curiosity, do you think there’s a chance that you’d get to reconnect with her every so often as she grows? I’m not sure if that’s normal or not (not super familiar with the rules associated with fostering), but I can’t imagine she could ever forget you and the love you guys have shown and taught her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your support and encouragement! And I do hope that we can stay connected…but at the same time I wonder if that would make it harder on her. And even me. We live completely different life styles and I’m afraid I would constantly walk away and just be pissed ya know? lol

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Beautifully said. I can relate to the ambivalence and fruitlessness of begging in our panic – that does not feel faithful at all. It feels shameful. I really like the perspective you lent us on that unhealthy ritual and the importance of a broader faith; thank you. Enjoy your time with that precious little girl. Such a gift.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much sugars! And yes…I totally felt shameful especially as we were driving away and I realized that all of my worrying didn’t add anything to the situation except for sweaty pits and an irregular heartbeat. lol

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank so much Kimberly! It’s so crazy that I had so much peace and calmness but then when I started watching other people…people not even related to our case filled with so much anxiety, that it all just jumped on me. Next time I will have my guard up a little better. LOL! Or maybe just stare at my phone. hehe

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  7. I loved the verse you shared about not fearing bad news, I needed to repeat this again and again two days ago as we went to another scan, sadly we did get bad news, but I knew I need not fear because of our great God and trust in The Lord that he will be with us in the dark days. Yesterday I had a d&c but definitely knew the peace of a God and your verse has been stuck in my head about steadfastly trusting in The Lord. His will is perfect. Thanks so much…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • oh sugars! I am so sorry to hear of your loss but so thankful that this verse helped you and that you feel the peace of God with you. I always have to remind myself that because we live in a fallen world bad things will happen to us. But God has promised to be with us and get us through it all. Hugs to you my friend! xo

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  8. Pingback: 1,273 Days in Foster Care and Now This… | Waiting for Baby Bird

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