As I sat in the crowded waiting area of the courthouse, I watched as others paced the floor with fear and anxiety. I saw the worry deepen with each step they took. And every time the bailiff would come out to call the next case, everyone would stop…but then quietly resume if it wasn’t their turn.
As I watched them, I slowly felt myself change. My heart began skipping beats. My stomach started twisting in knots. My palms became sweaty as my body temperature increased. And the peace I had worked so hard to obtain in the days leading up to this court date was gone. And the calmness I once felt as I walked up the courthouse stairs had vanished. And in its place settled anxiety and fear.
I found myself playing different scenarios in my head. Scenarios of what might happen when it was our turn to go and listen to the decisions others would make for our foster child. Scenarios of how I might feel and what my home might sound like if she is placed with someone else. And once those scenarios played like a movie reel in my mind, panic set in. The worrying intensified. And I began to pace the floor with the others. I begged God to come quickly so that He may whisper words of wisdom in the ears of the judge. And also into the ears of the lawyers, as well as her parents.
I even silently begged Him to protect her.
But as I begged, and then doubted if my begging was good enough, or if my prayers were being heard over the others, I remembered Psalm 112:7, which says, “He will have no fear of bad news; for his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord.”
And as I nervously walked around in circles, I repeated it. He will have no fear of bad news, for his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. And again. He will have no fear of bad news, for his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. And again. He will have no fear…And again. He will have no fear…
And in the midst of my mantra, her name was called.
It was finally our turn.
As we made our way into the courtroom, my legs felt like wet spaghetti noodles. My hands were shaking as I tried to hold open the door. And my breathing? I couldn’t. But in the 23 minutes in which I sat there, shaking like a leaf and listening to everyone discuss the child’s best interest, God showed His character and His faithfulness. He proved that He could be trusted. And He proved His love once again for this little girl.
As the court adjourned and we were on our way home, I wondered why I was worried if I believed in His word. What did I have to fear if my trust was Him? Why did I feel the need to beg? Or keep begging? Or doubt? Or better yet, I wonder if my prayers were only reaching the beautiful ceiling of the courtroom?
Because He was there, he was already with us. And He had already gone before us and made a way. His words had already been whispered. His hand was already protecting. He was in control. And so there was nothing to fear—no reason to pace the floor. Or walk in circles. Or stop breathing.
Looking back, the only scenarios I needed to play in my mind while waiting for our turn were the ones I had already been playing before I allowed fear to set in and panic to take over. They were the ones in which I would be coming home and cooking her a warm meal. And the ones in which I would be snuggling with her while watching Bambi before giving her a bubble bath. And the ones where I would be reading her a Bible story and kissing her forehead before tucking her safely into bed. And my friend, those were the exact scenarios that played out in my home tonight. And I owe it all to Him.
Now, if I can only remember His faithfulness (and to breathe) at our next court date…
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58 thoughts on “Tales of Fostering: Waiting in the Courthouse”
So happy to read this!
I was sooo happy to write this 🙂
I am thrilled that so many are looking out for that one precious little girl! I love that you are able and willing to shower her in the love that she so deserves through simple things like a warm, home-cooked meal, a bubble bath and snuggling watching Bambi.
Oh Bambi is her favorite movie right now. Actually…it is Bambi 2. I didn’t even know they made a second bambi. I haven’t let her watch the first one yet. I figured the mom being killed in the first one would be a bit too scary for her :/
I had no idea there is a Bambi 2! I learn something new every day. 🙂
Honestly, I’m kind of glad she hasn’t watched the first Bambi yet. It’s still too sad for me to watch it, so I cannot imagine how hard it would be for a little one to understand.
Happy to hear that you still have the little with you! She’s so precious. It’s so wonderful that you’re able to keep her happy and safe and give her all the love she deserves. 🙂
My biggest fear in all of this, is having to come home and tell her that she can’t stay here all the time. That’s always the number one question she asks us….”Can I stay here all the time?” It’s her heart I am always most worried about. sigh
That’s completely understandable. She’s so little, there’s no way to make her understand what’s happening. Does she ask about her mom or family at all? I know you can’t talk too much about circumstances or anything, I just feel like it’s so sad that kids are made to deal with these sorts of situations. It’s so important that people like you can give them such a loving home with some stability, for however long they need it.
I talk about her mom and family (in good ways) on a regular basis. We pray for them at night and I try to include them in our conversations to help keep them alive in her heart.
Oh, she looks like such a princess on that big fluffy pillow with those beautiful blonde curls!!! Bless you… when is the next court date?
Not for a little bit longer…so I have some breathing room
So glad for Gods provision for this little love. I know he will continue to provide always. More snuggles and love to Little Miss Goldilocks.
I am so glad to know that Goldilocks is still with you. I know that the end result is to get her back with her mom, but I couldnt bear to think of how unhappy you will be when she does go…..all of you. When is your next court date?
I am always most worried about having to come home and tell her that she is being moved or placed with someone else. Because since technically we are not relatives and just foster parents, a relative could come out of nowhere and request to keep her. yikes. I only want her to come home with her Momma or a relative that had a prior relationship with her. So I’m always on edge.
So happy she is with you! Praying for her & for you.
Thank you for your prayers. xo
I feel like there are so many lessons in this post that I will be using for our upcoming cycle. Worry does no good. I’m happy that Goldilocks is still at home with you. I also dread the day she ever has to go! Xo
yes girl, it was so pointless. Before I started watching everyone else freak out (and they weren’t even involved in our case), I found myself start to freak out. And then I couldn’t just sit there and relax or talk to my husband. I just freaked out! And why?! It was totally not worth the sweaty pits! lol
I am so happy to know that she is still with you, because that means she is safe and cared for and loved beyond belief. I dread the day she has to go and will no longer be a part of your…and all of our (your readers’) lives. That will be a sad day for all of us! God bless you for having such a big, gentle, loving heart!! 🙂
i don’t necessarily dread the day as long as she is going to be with her Momma. Because I know that if she is going with her Momma, then her Momma’s life has been rescued by God. Her life has been restored. She is healed spiritually and emotionally. And overall, a better person who is no longer in the pit. And to me, that would be AMAZING to see that a life has been forever changed.
Thank you always for your support. Fostering isn’t easy, but sweet people like you, make it easier. xo
Thinking of you! We had our first family visit yesterday and the rest of the night and this morning was HARD. Screaming, kicking, tantrums. Bad. How do you cope after visits?
Often times I had her counseling visits the day after a visit so that helped process any feelings that she might have had from the visit the day before.
They arent in counseling yet. YET. They need it terribly. I tell them its ok to cry and be sad and mad but the blood-curdling SCREAMING I have a hard time tolerating.
I haven’t had that issue from her yet, but I have heard and talked with several other foster parents who deal with issue on a regular basis. I think I got lucky with Goldilocks.
Sweet little girl!!! So precious!!!! I love the verse you were able to repeat in your head! We will have NO fear of bad news!!!! so glad you felt the Lord’s presence with you!
Yes…this is one of my favorite verses!
A gorgeous post, filled with love. I’m delighted that your little one is still right where she needs to be. xx
Thank you 🙂
So precious….He was there…He is there with you on this journey. You are already such a wonderful Mommy to Goldilocks…….and He has a plan. I am repeating that in my head for the both of us. He has a plan for us all…xoxo
Yes He sure does 🙂 My goal is to everyday seek His plan rather than my own. Because ultimately, His plan is far better than anything I could think of on my own. xo
Sending positive thoughts for goldilocks mom…and to you for being such an angel for her. XOXO
Thank you so much Jessah! You are the sweetest! xo
You’re so strong. I can only imagine being surrounded by that anxiety and hardly realizing it’s slow creep over to you as well. I’m SO glad you saw clearer later on, though. And even more thrilled that the crazy thing is that even if we didn’t stop worrying and think to pray, God still has our best interest and his plans for us at heart and he’s already doing the whispering and nudging all the while. He rocks.
And I am SO SO SO glad that Goldilocks is still with you guys. Hoping she’s with you until her Momma can get herself together enough and is ready to take her home. Even then, just out of pure curiosity, do you think there’s a chance that you’d get to reconnect with her every so often as she grows? I’m not sure if that’s normal or not (not super familiar with the rules associated with fostering), but I can’t imagine she could ever forget you and the love you guys have shown and taught her.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement! And I do hope that we can stay connected…but at the same time I wonder if that would make it harder on her. And even me. We live completely different life styles and I’m afraid I would constantly walk away and just be pissed ya know? lol
That’s a good point… it would probably be so tough! You’re so good to think of that part of things. I didn’t even consider it.
Beautifully said. I can relate to the ambivalence and fruitlessness of begging in our panic – that does not feel faithful at all. It feels shameful. I really like the perspective you lent us on that unhealthy ritual and the importance of a broader faith; thank you. Enjoy your time with that precious little girl. Such a gift.
Thank you so much sugars! And yes…I totally felt shameful especially as we were driving away and I realized that all of my worrying didn’t add anything to the situation except for sweaty pits and an irregular heartbeat. lol
So glad all went well and she can stay with you longer. xx
Thanks so much sugars! How are you doing?
all good here thanks. 🙂
I haven’t had time to read very many blogs lately…but was wondering if you having a girl or boy?
I dont know yet (which may mean more likely girl). should know in early February. xx
okay. Well please email me at email@example.com when you find out just in case I miss the blog post. I have a gift for you 🙂 I have a boy gift and a girl gift ready 🙂 xo
ooohh thank you. That’s too kind! I will email you. xxx
I have had your address sitting on my desk for months just waiting in anticipation. hehehe
you are too sweet!! ♥♥♥
What an emotional roller coaster you must be on. I am so relieved she came home with you and that God has allowed her to be placed with such amazing parents like you and your husband. XO
Girl it was one crazy roller coaster ride and the sad thing was I jumped on it! hehe
Wow! What a great post. I could feel your feelings. Its so easy to lose your thoughts and emotions on a day like this. It is so great to hear that it all worked out to Gods glory!!
Thank so much Kimberly! It’s so crazy that I had so much peace and calmness but then when I started watching other people…people not even related to our case filled with so much anxiety, that it all just jumped on me. Next time I will have my guard up a little better. LOL! Or maybe just stare at my phone. hehe
So glad Goldilocks is safe and sound with you! XOXO
Thanks sugars! Xo
I loved the verse you shared about not fearing bad news, I needed to repeat this again and again two days ago as we went to another scan, sadly we did get bad news, but I knew I need not fear because of our great God and trust in The Lord that he will be with us in the dark days. Yesterday I had a d&c but definitely knew the peace of a God and your verse has been stuck in my head about steadfastly trusting in The Lord. His will is perfect. Thanks so much…..
oh sugars! I am so sorry to hear of your loss but so thankful that this verse helped you and that you feel the peace of God with you. I always have to remind myself that because we live in a fallen world bad things will happen to us. But God has promised to be with us and get us through it all. Hugs to you my friend! xo
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