Waiting for Baby Bird

I Am (not) a Face of Infertility

Elisha

It was several months ago and a little past noon when I zoned in on the wedding picture that sat on my husband’s desk at work. I couldn’t help but notice that the look in my eyes and the smile on my face was not the same look and smile that I was wearing.  It was different now.  I remember leaving his office that afternoon wondering where the woman in that picture had gone. She was different now.  wedding photo

So much about my mind and body have changed in the last eight years since that picture was taken. When I see it, I remember a 23-year-old woman who was confident and felt beautiful. She was so innocent and naive to the world around her. Never once was there a thought in her head that the journey to motherhood would be so difficult and long-suffering. Never did she hide from cameras or avoid walking past mirrors.

But now, many years later, she knows all too well the devastation and pain infertility, PCOS and an early miscarriage can cause. She now hides from pictures and doesn’t even own a camera. And mirrors? Oh how she hates mirrors; each time she takes a glance in one, she can’t help but take immediate notice of the symptoms she has related to PCOS. Each day she cries over the 40 lbs of weight gain due to insulin resistance as she tries to squeeze into her favorite pair of jeans and because of the extra male hormones in her body, she spends over 20 minutes of her morning and nightly routine trying to pluck out the dark and coarse hairs on her chin before applying the expensive lotions and potions in hope they will reduce the oily skin and blotchy appearance also associated with this illness. When she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t see a confident and beautiful woman who stood on the sandy beaches of the U.S. Virgin Islands eight years ago. What she sees is brokenness.

She sees a face of infertility.

Infertility has had a way of ruining my self-esteem. The devil has used it in many ways and for many reasons. He wants to make me feel broken and ashamed when someone asks “the question.” It’s the question that makes all women struggling to conceive upset and uncomfortable even if it’s for a second. It’s the one that makes our hearts race, palms sweaty and our stomachs hurt. It’s the question in which I have to answer back saying,“No.  We don’t have any children at this time.” 

When I walk into a room, I immediately feel insecure as I think about everyone seeing me as the girl with the blog who struggles to have children. I wonder what they are thinking. Do they think I must have done something to deserve this punishment?  When I sit amongst the other guests at a baby shower or gender reveal party, I cannot help but feel as though all eyes are on “the infertile.”

Will she cry? Will she run to the bathroom for a meltdown? 

Is her laugh genuine? Are her smiles real or just a show to hide the pain?

The enemy wants me to feel ashamed and insecure. He not only wants me to feel less of a woman, but also less of a Christian.  He wants to beat me down with thoughts that I don’t have enough faith or that I haven’t jumped through the right religious hoops in order to receive God’s blessing of motherhood. He wants me to feel disgraced, humiliated and condemned as if I am being punished for my past. He wants me to see my body as only broken and infertile and that my gift of healing is a work to be completed rather than already finished through Jesus’ work at the cross. He wants me to think that my lack of children and diagnosis define who I am, but it’s not who I am.

Or is it?

Just two days after examining my wedding picture and leaving my husband’s office in tears, a woman in church randomly came over to me in the middle of worship and said, “You are not a face of infertility. You are a face of His promises kept” before turning around and walking away. Immediately I began sobbing. How did she know my deepest thoughts–the ones even my husband doesn’t know? How did she know I have been spending my afternoons crying over my broken, infertile body?

She didn’t know; God did.  

And she (God) was right. When He looks at me, He doesn’t see what I see. I am not just this blog. I am not just a woman desiring to have a child. I am not the numbers on the scale and the imperfections I or anyone else can see in the mirror.  I am not my doctor’s diagnosis and the opinions of others or even the opinions of myself. I am not my past or what hell says I am.

I am a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and a devoted woman of faith. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I am an encouragement to others. I am the name God loves to call and the apple of His eye. I am His beloved child and the delight in His voice. I am forgiven of all my past mistakes. I am healed by faith of anything and everything that is causing me to not conceive (Isaiah 53:5). I am one of the best of His creation because I am created in His image. I am His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). I am beautiful. 

When God looks at me, He doesn’t see my past. He doesn’t see failure. He doesn’t see a broken, infertile woman. He doesn’t see statistics, PCOS or the symptoms. He only sees His promises kept.

I am not a face of infertility.

I am a face of His promises kept. 

And sweet friend, so are you.  

With Love

I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

126 thoughts on “I Am (not) a Face of Infertility”

  1. You are God’s workmanship! The word in Ephesians 2:10 is “poyemos” in Greek, which translates as poetry! He loves you so much and do do I!

  2. You are who the I AM says you are. Not infertility or PCOS. You are who the I AM says you are. Not broken or damaged. You are who the I AM says you are, Whole, healed, perfect, spotless, and blameless. Love you Girl! So much!

    1. Thank you! I love you too! I have been meaning to text you “Hey!” for days but keep getting sidetracked. I saw you posted last night…I need to go read. I am so behind on reading blogs :/

  3. As I type with tears in my eyes, I want first to thank you for sharing this intimate moment if revelation with us and to offer you a huge hug and round of applause for finding this voice of truth amidst all the lies. You are beautiful and so is this empowering post.

    1. awe thank you so much! It’s been months since that woman first whispered that powerful statement to me and it’s taken me this long to come to this realization that she was right. I still battle with it on some days…so look past the lies but God always redirects me to what she said. xoxo

    2. So beautiful, Elisha. I love it – face of His promises kept. ANd He WILL keep His promises. Praying always for you!!! xoxox

    1. Thank you so much!! It’s hard to see the beauty on some days…especially when the only thing that fits are your husband’s sweat pants :/

      2. Totally hear ya…just yesterday I realized I needed to go up a bigger size…the butt crack is peeking out from the current ones that I am sporting…not sexy.

  5. This is beautiful. As I sit here at work with my tears falling down my face, you have explained infertility feelings to my deepest core. I wish I could hand this to my family and say-here, this explains it best.
    Hugs to you.

    1. Thank you. I plan on posting this to my Facebook wall…so I am sure every friend, acquaintance and relative will see this. Maybe you could just post it on your wall? But I do think it would be interesting if you printed it out, put a cute cover on it and passed it around at Thanksgiving dinner. hehe!

  8. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! We all need to see ourselves as God sees us: righteous—> made to be in the RIGHT condition as we OUGHT to be (not as our natural circumstances indicate). I thank God that what He said in 2 Corinthians 5:21 and 2 Corinthians 1:20 is TRUTH.

    Elisha, I join with you and declare that, in Jesus’ name, you are a face of fertility! 🙂

  9. I’m new to your blog and just wanted to say how much I admire you. I love how you put yourself out there for the world to see, despite how painful your experience has been. I’m fascinated by your courage and strength. And your writing is absolutely beautiful. Keep hanging in there, Elisha!

    1. Ahh thank you so much for your support and encouragement. This was a hard post to press “publish” on but I knew I had to do it…I had to just hurry up like ripping off a bandaide. haha!

    1. Thank you so much sugars! And so are you! Your strength, bravery, and the love you have for others is truly amazing and beautiful! xo

  11. Oh my goodness. This made me cry! I love, love, love that God gave that woman such a perfect word for you. Joshua 23:14 says, “You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.” I love this verse. We haven’t seen the end yet because we know that God’s promises WILL be fulfilled for us! It’s coming…He is always faithful to fulfill His promises.

    1. amen and amen! Love this verse! Thank you for sharing and thank you for all of your support, love, snail mail, encouragement, and emails. You rock! xo

  12. Thank you for this Elisha. You put into words many of the feelings I battle with right now. I pray for the fulfilment of your promise as much as I pray for my own. Love from here…

    1. I’m praying right now for you too Cathy. I pray that your healing manifest and you are blessed SOON with a healthy baby in your womb. Sending you hugs!

    1. Oh wow! Your posts always inspire, encourage, and just put me in awe of your writing. I say all of that to say… I take it as a huge compliment that you found this post good. Thank you! xo

    1. :/ My hubby has subscribed to my blog via email and he told me at lunch he was bawling while sitting at his office at work. whoops! Maybe I should have sent him a “warning” text. hehe

    1. Thanks girl! I’m waiting patiently for the BFP too but I have to admit…I kinda like watching Him work 🙂 hehe

  18. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for over two years. Just a few weeks ago we were given the “final” diagnosis and were told that our chances of ever getting pregnant is less than 5%….and the chances of actually carrying a baby to term is even lower. It’s been a real struggle as we wrap our heads around everything while also desperately clinging to the hope we have in Jesus. Thank you SO much for sharing this….it was such a blessing to read.

    1. Ah Sarah. I am so sorry but know that God’s word trumps the diagnosis. His promise of healing is yours. Reach out with your hands and eyes of faith and never let go until what you are believing for through faith comes to fruition.

      Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

      I encourage you to check out the “videos” tab at the top of my blog and watch them. Her husband was diagnosed three times sterile but supernaturally they had four children in less than five years (one set of twins). No medical intervention. Watch them as I know they will give you hope and encouragement to keep believing. xo

    1. yes! Keep the faith! I believe that when we align our thoughts and words with that of God, things start changing for the better. Ever since I have been more conscientious of seeing myself as He sees me, my cycles have gotten shorter. Praise God!

  20. So thankful that we are not defined by our infertility! You are created in HIS image – fruitful and fertile! So thankful that His word is the final truth over our situations and bodies!

  21. What a wonderful post, Elisha. I am very sure that the emotions surrounding infertility resonate with many women who struggle with having a baby and/or keeping a pregnancy. I had in the past felt less than what God had made me to be. God has been helping me to know that I was made in His image and I am no less of a woman than my friends who have had kids without any problems. God truly loves you as He gave you a person to speak to you while you were struggling with the most devastating thought. I have learned so much from you. At this point in my journey, I am really trusting that one day I will become a mother. Thanks for this post. <3

    1. Yes, I still sit in awe when I think about her words and how perfectly timed they were for me. God is faithful and always sends us what we need, when we need it. I’m praying for you girlie and I believe through faith that God will settle your barren womb soon! xo

  23. Absolutely Love this and so happy that God sent that woman to give you that message when you needed it. He is so good!! I think this post is a reminder that we all need. Thank you for sharing!

    1. Yes, I believe this post is a reminder for everyone. There isn’t a day that goes by when I look in the mirror and have to repeat the words that she spoke to me that day. I’m so thankful God sent her to me at just the right moment. Hugs! xo

  24. I came across this blog at just the perfect time and on the perfect day. My husband and i found out at the beginning of the year we were infertile, me due to PCOS and Endo. I have struggled so much thinking that this was a punishment and that i was completely broken. So many times i have asked my husband “if we never have a baby, will i still be good enough for you?” Scared that my parents will leave me an outcast if I don’t give them grandkids, and afraid that everyone i walk by “knows” What a breath of fresh air this post. Thank you!

    1. Heather,

      I am so thankful that I posted this and you found it at the perfect time. I don’t find this a coincidence. I believe that God is speaking to you today that you need to look past what has been spoken over you by others and only listen to the words of God. He will spring forth new life and restoration into your body so that you can do as He created and intended you to do. If you need resources (books, devotionals) please check out my tab at the top called “Books I love” and let me know if any interest you. I would love to send you a copy (no charge…free gift from me). Also, check out the videos under the tab “Videos” also at the top of my blog. The woman in the video had a husband that was diagnosed sterile but by the grace of God, they had four children in five years (twins) without medical intervention. God is faithful and He will do the impossible for anyone, anywhere, at anytime. All we have to do is believe in Him and keep persevering in our faith. Sending you hugs as I know none of this journey is easy :/ xo

  25. A beautiful post. I always tell myself that the most important thing is to be spiritually fertile. I will say that I’m going through infertility but choose not to describe myself as an infertile because that’s not my identity. I get the pain. I’ve had a tough week this week. Some moments are harder than others. It is so wonderful to remember that there are so many facets to who we are and that the fact that we’ve not been able to have children yet is not the dominant thing about us. I look in the mirror and I see that I know far more pain now than I did on my wedding day, but I also know more joy and more peace. That’s the grace of God.

    1. Ahhh! I just loved what you said:

      “I look in the mirror and see I that I know far more pain now than I did on my wedding day, but I also know more joy and more peace.”

      I just loved that because I too feel the same way when I look at my journey. Thank you for sharing and commenting! xo

  27. This was so beautiful written. Only those of us who have struggled with infertility could understand your words and it was as if you gave my deeps hurts and secrets a voice. And though we have never met I count you as one of the most beautiful women I may ever know. Your heart for God is breath taking and your words and encouragement to our community are priceless! I love how you finished it will all of the things you are!

    1. wow! Thank you for your sweet compliments! You too are an excellent source of support and encouragement in this blogging community. Sending you hugs and praying for you right now. xo

  28. I have a question is it normal for a woman with pcos to never experience being pregnat at all I’m old 21 I’ve known I’ve had pcos since my sophmore year of high school my mom aunt and grandma all have it mom and gma never had problems with getting pregnany aunt had very little none experienced mmiscarriage but i have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now on metformin and never even got to expirience a miscarriage i know that it would be hard to go thru but i feel if i could go thru it it would be a sign that my body isn’t useless that i am able to bare children

    1. experiencing a miscarriage is one of the worst feelings in the world. I would much rather have gone through this journey without that experience. Miscarriage is a lose of a life and it’s heartbreaking. I’m praying for you healing. I know that with PCOS it is more difficult to get pregnant but I believe that is isn’t impossible. With God all things are possible (Luke 1:37)

      1. I understand how heart breaking it is and would be i appologize if my comment hurt u in anyway i just feel so desperate and helpless just waiting for a sign that i will be a mom one day

      2. Oh no worries girl! You didn’t hurt me at all. In fact,if I were to be honest, before I had my miscarriage, I once envied someone who did. I wanted to experience what it was like to carry a baby even if were only for a few short weeks. But in the end, I learned it was better to not experience a miscarriage.

        If you want a sign that you will be a mom some day, just look to God’s word. Inside His word states that we were created to be fruitful, multiply and be free from all sickness and diseases. Psalm 113:9 says that He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. In addition, every single women in the Bible who was barren and prayed and believed in God gave birth. He didn’t ignore any of their desires. I encourage you to keep believing and trusting that you will be a mother one day. Never give up! 🙂

  30. What a very beautiful post. And honest and truthful. I think we all need to hear (read) this every once in awhile; the doubts, fears and insecurities all have a way of creeping in and making us forget. Thanks for reminding us. Wishing you strength and peace.

    1. I totally agree! I repeat to myself what she told me almost every day. I’m still working on seeing myself as He sees me but I’m getting much better than where I was several months ago.

  31. Excellent post, Elisha! I have always appreciated your honesty and ability to share things that most people who have struggled with infertility can relate to. You are beautiful, and everything else you said in that second to last paragraph is so completely true! Do you have that written somewhere accessible (ie- a note card in your Bible or beside your bed)? I just know that Satan is not happy with you, or the encouragement you are to others, and he’s going to keep trying to get you to believe his ugly lies. I really wish that when each of us started to believe those lies, we could look in the mirror, and only see the beautiful daughter God sees.

    1. I don’t have it written anywhere because I have memorized this in my heart and have written it on my heart. The devil has been throwing lots of punches lately and in the last couple of weeks he has been quiet…which I am not worried, but I’m prepared for a sneak attack. I’m ready 🙂

  33. I think everyone can relate to your feelings in this post. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I have done the picture thing, comparing myself to when that photo was taken and how naïve I was then.

    But as always, your posts always give hope to move forward. You are a truly amazing example to everyone who fights this fight.

    1. ahhh thanks for the compliments girl. I can’t tell you how many times I look at other pictures and think how different life was then. But honestly, I have grown so much and it’s been so worth it. xo

  34. Thinking about you Elisha. I’m sorry you were feeling so down hon, but glad for this woman at your church who blessed you with this beautiful reminder. So perfectly said. Huge hug hon. Thinking about you and your angels in Heaven on this day of remembrance <3

    1. Thank you sugars and thinking about you and your babies as well. I can’t wait to be in heaven with you one day and having play dates with all of our children 🙂 It will be the best “Mom’s Club” ever!

  36. Yes, yes, yes. Speak truth to those terrible lies. Sometimes we just need to speak that truth to ourselves. We might not even fully believe it, but the demons hear it and shudder. It puts them back in their place. You are beautiful. Hugs.

    1. Amen and you are so right! Even when we don’t “feel” the truth, we should always speak the truth! Thanks for stopping by and reading. I hope you are having a great week. I just love reading your posts. xo

  37. EverY word you wrote I felt like I could relate. I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror either. Everyday feels like I can’t buckle my pants through so much bloat. My hair falls off like crazy. My oily skin doesn’t help much. UGH! BUT WE ARE BEAUTIFUL! We don’t have a face of infertility we have a face of his creation.

  38. I speak healing and call forth the promise of children in your life in JEsus name. I command PCOS submits and flees at the name of JEsus. You are under His blood and the covenant of His love. I thank you and receive the children for you, in JEsus name. AMen.

  39. Elisha, I can relate to everything you’ve shared in this post. Everything you’ve written is so true! The insecurities are always there; even on good days, they have a way of creeping up & catching me when I have my guard down. Thank you for this brutally honest post–it encourages my heart to know others experience similar feelings along this journey toward baby. Thank you. <3

    1. yes be encouraged to know that you are not alone but to also know that you are a face of promises kept! You may not see it, but by faith you are healed, forgiven and made whole. You are BEAUTIFUL! xo

  40. First off–you carry your weight well because I don’t see an extra 40lbs between your wedding pic & more recent pics. In fact I always think you look skinny. Truth.
    And then, I feel you on the effects of PCOS, particularly on facial hair–I have to shave every day! There’s too much to pluck. I really hate it & I’ve had thousands of $$$ worth of laser hair removal treatments, but electrolysis is the only thing that is permanent so I know I’ll try that next.
    And then…God isn’t the only one who sees all the good in you. When I think of you I think: excellent friend, excellent wife, excellent mother, woman of great Faith. I think of you as a mother and not an infertile.
    XOXO

    1. And you made me cry (happy tears of course). Thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful comment. Seriously! It means so much to me! The pictures I have on my gravatar (blog page) are from three years ago right after I stopped taking BC. BC always helped me lose weight not gain. I haven’t taken any new pictures since and the ones I send you in email are always of my neck up :/

      Okay, so you wouldn’t do laser hair removal again? I have thought about doing it but wasn’t sure if it was worth the moohlah or not.

      xoxoxox

      1. *hugs* No seriously, those pics of you & hubs & goldilocks at that wedding a few months ago–you look gorgeous. The pics of you & hubs hiking recently–also pretty (and not heavy). So there.

        Laser hair removal works for awhile, but the hair grows back because of our whacky hormones–laser is quite painful for me, especially along the jawline.
        Electrolysis damages the follicle so it won’t grow back. It can’t be much more painful than laser, although you’ll want to be sure to spend the money to go somewhere good (no groupons) because it can scar if done improperly.
        I also have a horrible “happy trail” on my belly. I dread going into labor & not being able to have privacy to shave, then delivering with a 5 o’clock shadow & a belly full of stubble. This could really happen! *sigh*
        XOXO

      2. oh don’t get me started on the happy trail! There is nothing happy about that trail and it has gotten crazy in the last several months! YIKES! And I am ashamed to say but those pants I wore at the wedding do not even button today. What is wrong with me?! LOL!

        Hopefully going gluten will help a bit as I won’t be eating some of the “no no” foods I used to eat.

      3. Gluten free definitely helps me–it’s things like: no roll with your soup at Panera bread (get an apple), no toast with your omelet at IHOP (FYI ask for egg substitute b/c their omelets are “fluffed” with pancake batter), instead of fried food when you go to watch football at a pub *we love football* then you get a bun-less burger, you’ll never say “yes” to a pastry with your coffee at Starbucks…all these things add up! XOXO

  41. Oh sweet girl! I’m so sorry you’re having to go through such hard emotions and insecurities. My heart truly breaks for you. Praise God that He brought that woman into your life at the exact right moment to speak His truth to your heart.

    1. I still sit in awe sometimes when I think about her words and how perfectly timed they were. And to think she knew nothing about what I was thinking, feeling, or going through. All she knew was that me and my husband were seeking a baby bird. Praise God! He is faithful to provide the comfort we need when we need it most. xo

  42. You are not the face of infertility. You are beautiful. And I don’t see much of a difference to the recent photos of you I have seen. But I do know what you are talking about. After IVF2 a friend of mine told me I looked just the same as I used to “before infertility” but that she could see that I had lost the sparkles in my eyes.. they came back though after I managed to get away from depression. Infertility has changed us, made us sad, made us suffer but it has also made us stronger and more aware of the beauty in life. It has changed us but not made us less beautiful. Big hug sweets. xx

    1. Yes, it’s crazy how we lose that sparkle and our smiles aren’t as big or genuine, etc.

      And I always use the old photos 🙂 I’m sneaky like that 🙂

  44. This. Is. Beautiful. How perfect is God’s timing? And his words?! It’s incredible. He never ceases to amaze me. I lose sight of so much amidst my issues, but he never loses sight of a single detail. What an amazing reminder. *hugs

    1. I know right?! The words she spoke were PERFECT!! And to come from someone who knew NOTHING other than that we were trying to have a child? Ah-MAY-Zing! God is so faithful to sustaining us and bringing us back to a place of hope.

  45. Wonderful post! As a irreversibly barren woman I often feel like I am the face of every infertile woman’s worst fears. Infertility treatment does not always work. Even offering support, I feel like I taint it with my status. Thank you for this reminder!

  49. You know, a friend of has posted a couple if blogs on Facebook and is second one read. The one was talking about you foster child and when I read it, I pictured a lovely brunette with a woman’s smile who has been through much, but still looks for the good in days. And at first i was shocked to see your current picture, and I thought, but her spirit that she pours out displays a different picture, and then i read this, and I said, yes, that is woman I heard speak in that other post. You are still that woman, beautiful, strong, & unconquerable. You see, your body looks that way on the outside right now you are in transition, and it’s not your fault. But you fail to that you are that beautiful strong brunette, whose smile and words lights up the hearts of many. 🙂 I hope you know that one have faced many battles and have won because you are still standing. So stand and look in the mirror and grin, because you are here and you are still beautiful. I know how it to have that placed you and like everyone is watching every baby shower, and I send you hugs and prayers a smack in the head! Look at that picture that is your body and the you are today is 10 Times more amazing, ’cause she has faced it all and she is still here. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your wonderful words of encouragement Rebecca 🙂 I am beautiful, strong and confident but just like any other human, I also have those days when I don’t feel as such. I’m glad to say that those days are few and far between.

      I hope you have a great weekend and thank you soooo much for reading my blog. I truly appreciate all of your wonderful words of wisdom.

  50. “I am a face of His promises kept” LOVE that and want to shout it out to the world! When questions about kids are asked to me…I get uncomfortable and try to change the subject asap. I don’t want to be the “face” of infertility…and I won’t be…I will be the “face of His promises kept”…in His time…thanks girly..great post! xoxo

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