Waiting for Baby Bird

Infertility Chronicles Part 3: Trading In My Big Girl Panties

“Oh crap!” Those two words came out of my mouth as I remembered it was Saturday. The next morning I would have to put on my freshly laundered big girl panties and venture off to church to find the “mystery woman” I wrote about in “Shirt Packed and Big Girl Panties On,” as well as “To Be Continued…”

All of the emotions of fear and anxiety came crashing in like a tsunami wave, but in the mix of all my worrisome anxiety was excitement. It wasn’t the type of excitement in which I couldn’t wait to put on my Sunday best and track her down like a hound dog, but the excitement in the sense of finally being able to check it off my “to do” list. You see, for the past two weeks, this ongoing task has felt more like a dreaded monkey on my back than anything else, and I was ready for it to jump off.

All week I knew my best chances of finding her were to attend all three worship services, but I knew statistically speaking, most people my age typically attend the second service. However, I was never good at probability or statistics in high school or college, and I still don’t seem to be good at it years later because I was wrong.

While getting ready for the second service on Sunday morning, I received a text message from a friend informing me the “mystery woman” was at the first service. What!?! Does she go to the first service?! People with children can get up that early?!

So moving at a slightly faster (but not too fast) pace and hiking up my big girl panties so high I could have tucked them inside of my bra, I arrived at church a few minutes early and walked around (sorta) looking for my friend, but eventually learned I was too late and the “mystery woman” had already left.

I had missed her again.

All I could think about while walking to my seat for worship service was that this monkey I am still sportin’ on my back is getting increasingly heavier, and these boring blog posts are never going to end!  God, why can’t You make this easier if this is what You want? Why can’t You have her fall into my lap? Why can’t I sit back and have You direct her towards me instead of sending me on some wild goose chase? God, is this what you really want, or can I move on? (Please, please, please say to move on…)

As I closed my eyes, the first words I heard were…“Why aren’t you trying?”

Drats! Why do you have to answer a question with a question all of the time? I think I am trying. I put on my big girl panties, hurried (sort of) to get to church before the first service was out, and looked (sort of) for my friend by the cafe doors. I tried…it just didn’t work out…she left before I could locate her.

Why aren’t you trying?”

I just told you…I did try. You were there. You saw me.

“Okay.  Let’s say “you tried.” How about you try a little harder?”

Ummm…Uh?! (Que the sweat…)

“I love you, baby girl, but let’s be honest because I like honesty. If you really wanted to find her, you would have gotten up early and went to the first service and stayed for the second and even third if needed to track her down. You could have tried harder by contacting a few more people for them to be on the “lookout” and usher her into your direction after the church service was over. You knew you could have done these things because you thought about all the different options throughout the week…so why didn’t you?”

(scrunches nose) Ummm…well…I don’t know.

“I already know the answer. I want you to come to me, sit in my lap, and tell me so that I can help you. Will you do that? Will you be honest so that I can help you jump over this hurdle?”

(Deep breath) You want me to be honest? Here is honesty. I am a coward. I am fearful. I am not brave enough, bold enough, or courageous enough for this task. I thought I was, but I’m not. I wish I didn’t have to find her. I wish it weren’t so awkward to find her. I wish you would make this easier by having her drop from the sky and land in front of me with a big gigantic bow and smile on her face. Better yet, I wish we could forget about this whole thing and move on. So, can we? Please?!

There was silence. In my spirit, I could have heard a pin drop. I thought the conversation was over, so looking up, I realized we were no longer on the first song but singing the second. It was a new song. A song I had never heard before, and the words pierced through my soul like a knife. My conversation with God hadn’t ended…it had only just begun as I began to listen to the words of the chorus…

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

God has called me out beyond the shore, beyond my comfort zone, and into the deepest of waters, but fear and dread have kept me in the shallow end where it’s comfy. I keep waiting on God to push me, pull me, drag me or force me into the deep waters, but that is not His nature. He will never force me to do something that I don’t want to do, but what He will do is provide me with an open door, and it is my job to walk through it, trusting that His love has paved the way. It’s time to go all in.

Therefore, I am trading in my big girl panties for some water floaties, nose clip, snorkel, and fins on Sunday morning. Two weeks ago, I reluctantly only put my big toe in the water when I attempted to find her. Last Sunday, I managed to wade in knee-deep. But this Sunday, I plan on doing a cannonball right into the deep waters where He has called me. I trust that He had already gone before me and prepared the way. Therefore I will not fear when I gulp in water with each crashing wave, or my legs start feeling like wet spaghetti noodles from treading water, or when my chest starts pounding with nervousness. I will not let my fear cause me to panic, make excuses or start swimming back to shore. Instead, I will stay in the deep end, trusting that God is my floatation device and He will give me strength. CANNONBALL!

The fear of man brings a snare, but because I lean on, trust in, and put my confidence in the Lord, I am safe and set on high. Proverbs 29:2

To Be Continued…again…
Is fear a problem for you? Is it holding you back from moving into areas that could enrich your life and the lives of others? Is it stopping you from putting your faith and trust in God? If so, meditate on the scriptures below. 
  • For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
  • Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
  • So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:6
  • The fear of man brings a snare, but because I lean on, trust in, and put my confidence in the Lord, I am safe and set on high. Proverbs 29:25
  • I fear not (there is nothing to fear), for God is with me. I do not look around in terror and be dismayed, for He is my God. He will strengthen and harden me to difficulties; yes, God will help me; yes, He will hold me up and retain me with His (victorious) right hand of rightness and justice. Isaiah 41:10 (The Message)
  • The LORD is my Light and my Salvation–whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

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40 thoughts on “Infertility Chronicles Part 3: Trading In My Big Girl Panties”

  1. Oh, WOW. My church played that “You Make Me Brave” song for the first time ever yesterday, too. If I hadn’t already been seated, I would’ve had to sit down when it came on. Of course, I started bawling (but I do that pretty much every week in church for a variety of reasons). I’m not sure what God is asking me to be brave for (more IVF, adoption, child-free life?), but it was obvious he was asking me to be brave. How cool is it that He uses the same song to touch two people on the same day (and probably so many more we don’t even know about). Looking forward to the update next week! 🙂

    1. when i read your comment I immediately felt in my spirit that He was calling you to be brave in continuing to trust in Him for your babies. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Be brave and trust in Him for you healing and restoration. I was shaking so bad just typing that…

  2. Ahh! I was so hoping this week you had found her. I hope so much that she is there next week and you finally get to talk to her and have her pray over you!!!!

  3. One of my favorite songs!!!!!! I’ve been listening to it on replay since December – oh my!!!! Next week for sure!!!!! I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story!!! He will make you brave girl!!!

  4. I love you. Not in a weird way, but in a Godly, body of Christ way. I love how you open your spirit to receive God and have intimate conversations with Him. I love your obedience. I love your willingness to trust despite doing something that will be hard for you. I just love reading how God is moving in your life and I am excited to see how this story plays out. You are brave! You can do this because Christ is strengthening you. XO

  5. Wishing you all the best in finding this woman next week! Someone once told me that ‘if you are trying, you are not doing” Be brave and do it, you won’t regret it 🙂

    1. Thanks sugars! I am determined to put a nail in this coffin on Sunday even if I have to hire the secret service to do it!

  6. Ah, too bad you missed her, but I love your dedication hon, and your plan for next week is awesome! I can’t wait to hear how it all goes!

  7. The music will do the work very time I feel like! You are brave enough, I promise. You have the amazing courage for this and when you forget that remember all of us out here thinking of you and sending you love, light and brave strength!

  8. You will find her when the time is right. Perhaps there is still some work that needs to be done before you are meant to meet this mystery woman.

    1. Possibly…but that’s not what I heard the Holy Spirit tell me on Sunday. :/ I wish it were someone else’s fault but it’s my own. I could have easily found her both Sundays but I was waiting on God to basically just drop her in my lap. I strongly believe (and I’m sure it will be a blog post soon) but this is a test…this woman praying for me won’t miraculously get me pregnant. He is just testing me to see how far I will go…how bold I will be in obeying Him. I believe He is asking me to do something small, like finding this woman, and if I pass this test, then He will move me on to something more bolder in my faith. Which when I think about it…it does excite me to be taken to a whole new level of faith with God. I’m ready to pass this test 🙂

      1. That may very well be, but I think that even though you could have very easily found her on either Sunday, you may not have been ready. I think that God may have been prepping you for your meeting. I don’t know if that makes sense or not but its like you are able and ready to meet her but the timing wasn’t quite right yet and divine intervention delayed you in getting to the church.

      2. Oh it does make sense 🙂 but I also know that out of fear, I was purposefully dragging my feet. I also believe that you are right in that He was prepping me but only because I was being fearful from the start. I know that if I had faced my fears two weeks ago instead of running from them, this “meet and greet” with her would have been donzo. Fear is never from the Lord so the fear that I had that was keeping me from jumping all in with 100 percent in locating her was not from Him. It’s so hard to explain. LOL! There were plenty of open doors and I purposefully stood on the outside–refusing to go in. I let fear win. It would be easy for me to say that our inability to connect was all God and His timing, but if I were honest, it wasn’t. The conversation I had with Him in church was real…shameful to admit :/ But I’m thankful that He always gives second chances…third chances…fourth chances etc. until we get it right. He is teaching me faith and how to trust in the midst of fear. I’m learning so much on how to be bold…so while i have been disobedient to find her the last two Sundays, He is still working it out for my good and turning it into a valuable teaching lesson. That’s what I love about Him. Always turning everything around for my good and His glory. I want to thank you so, so, so much for reading my blog posts and being such a wonderful source of encouragement to me. I love seeing in my email that you have left me a comment. They always make me feel better and put a smile on my face! I am praying for you and a supernatural conception on your wedding anniversary 😉 wink, wink!

  9. So apparently I totally suck at communication… but I wanted you to know that I’m reading all of your posts and eagerly waiting to hear what happens with this mystery woman! 🙂 I was thinking today, too, that she’s probably going to be super excited to pray for you. I mean, seriously – she gets to have a part in God answering another woman’s prayers like He answered hers! Anyone who has walked this journey, I think, is excited to be a part of the healing of it. So don’t be afraid. If I were her and I knew you were coming, I’d be hopping up and down in impatient anticipation. 🙂 *hugs* I’ll be praying for EXCITEMENT for you – not just bravery. 😉

  10. Ah! I feel your pain! I think the anticipation of following through is making it more intense! Loved the verses you had in this post!

  11. I admire you, your honesty in sharing with us, and the bravery you have and continue to build. I’ve thought a lot about you and this situation in the last few weeks (wondering if I’d be courageous enough to do what you’re doing) Was so happy to log on this morning and see an update.

    You certainly don’t “need” it – but good luck next week 🙂


    1. awe thanks so much Kate! You could do it to with God’s strength…or at least that’s what I’m learning. I keep trying to do it all on my own and it’s just not working out

  12. I was amazed as I was reading this post this morning because I have been listening to that song a lot lately, and most of the times that I listen to it, I think about you and how it would be a great song to put on your Sing, O Barren Woman tab (as well as the next song on that cd It Is Well – a huge tear jerker for sure!). I love when God confirms what he is doing – even for someone that I don’t know. Be Brave!

    1. You know I had forgotten about that tab on my blog! I should add it! I kinda quit doing it because I didn’t think anyone looked at it or even cared. lol! Glad to know someone did 🙂 hehe

      1. I’d do it in a heart beat but I think you are doing just fine. 😉 You think your husband is going to go up with you?

      2. He has a connect group training that He is leading during the second and third service so I’m not sure he will be available. He was already at the church doing the same training last week which is why I was flying solo :/

      3. Set your alarm clocks and go extra early. Sit there and smile at every single person until service begins. It will be done. 🙂 You will do amazing!

      4. girl I plan on going in my PJ’s if I have too! LOL! we have three doors to the sanctuary but I’ve recruited someone who knows what she looks like and will be pointing her out to me during service. I plan on literally standing right next to her, behind her,or sitting on her lap in order to get this accomplished. I know that God is just testing my obedience and boldness and I DO NOT want to fail because He will just keep giving me the same test over and over until I pass. I didn’t like doing a make up test or “re-test” in school and I don’t like them from God either. LOL!

      5. Oh do not go in your PJ’s…. 🙂 Alarm clocks are the best. And I applaud you for having a plan! Let’s hope that she is actually going to attend instead of having plans other than going to church.

  13. Honey, I am going to be praying and hoping and thinking of you this Sunday! Oh, I can’t wait to hear how this goes! You are such a strong Momma Bird!!

    1. no problemo! I had some girls over for lunch today that I attend church with and two of them could point her out to me and one told me where she sat during the first service. They have both been instructed to guard the doors until this woman prays for me. lol

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