Category: When Someone You Know Is Infertile

Waiting for Baby Bird, When Someone You Know Is Infertile

When Pregnancy Announcements Hurt: The Surprise Group Announcement

Elisha

Portrait of a young woman sitting in outdoor restaurant with her friends

Have you ever been there?  That place, that moment, when you look around the room after a friend or family member has just announced they are expecting and you realize in a dazed stupor that you are the only person not jumping up and down. You are the only one not squealing with excitement. Shouting congratulations. Singing praises while dancing around the room. Or drenching them with love. And.It.Is.Awkward.

But it is not because you are unhappy for them because deep down you are. It’s just that every pregnancy announcement brings a tsunami wave of emotions that crashes over you, am I right? And the intensity of these emotions, leave you breathless. And numb. And scared.  And…well…not yourself. Because it’s within the first 60 seconds of their joyous announcement you instantly feel bitterness and anger, as well as sadness and grief. Even resentment. But not necessarily towards them. Just towards your circumstances. Because why haven’t your prayers been answered? Are you not worthy? Don’t you deserve a child just as much as they do?

But it’s also within that same 60 seconds you feel joy and happiness for them. And even a sense of relief and hope. Relief that they will never have to endure the pain of infertility and also a rare form of hope. Hope that maybe? Just maybe it might be your turn next. And honestly? These emotions that come so fast and so hard? They are difficult to juggle. Especially in a group setting…with an audience. Because you are convinced everyone is staring at you and waiting. Waiting and wondering. Waiting for your reaction. And wondering what you might be thinking. Or feeling…

Is she happy? Will she cry? What will she say? Is she mad? I wonder if she is jealous?  Did you see her look away?

And before you know it the Academy Award goes to…YOU!  Because you my friend were able to work up a decent amount of joy and excitement in record timing so that you could join with the others and dance around in bliss. But I also know that despite the awards you have received countless number of times, group announcements still scare you.  No, they terrify you. They put you on edge anytime someone clears their throat at Christmas because they have “something to say.”  Or when you hear the words, “we have an announcement to make” while eating dinner with friends. And it is because anyone struggling with infertility will tell you that our emotions are so unpredictable. Therefore hearing the news for the first time with others can be extremely difficult. Even personal telephone calls can sometimes be hard because you know there is always the chance of the awkward moment when you won’t be able to win the Academy Award. You won’t be able to hold back the tears and give them the joyful congratulations you know they deserve.

And once again, it’s important to note one more time that it’s not because you are not excited for this new life that will soon enter the world, it’s just that you are struggling. You are in pain. And you can’t stop the feelings you feel from the hurt of infertility in that moment. Or the fearful thoughts you have that this joy and excitement of announcing your own pregnancy may never come true. And it’s hard. It makes you feel like an awful person because you know the right thing to do is set aside your pain for their joy, but sometimes in that moment, you can’t. You want to, but you just can’t.

I realize not every woman struggling with infertility feels or reacts this way because while I may not always like being told in person or in a group setting, my friend would prefer it. In fact, the thought of someone else treating her differently or handling her with “kid gloves” as she calls it, infuriates her and that’s okay. We are all different. We are all struggling in our own ways. We are all dealing with different wounds. Different scars. Different past experiences. We are all in different stages of grief. But I believe despite the differences and despite the struggles, we are all in need of the same grace.

Grace to help us rejoice to the best of our abilities.

Grace to give us the strength to overcome our unpredictable emotions.

Grace to see us through our painful and gut-wrenching circumstances.

And grace to help us never give up hope that maybe, just maybe, our announcement will be next.

But with that grace, I also believe there needs to be compassion. And so if you are reading this today and are among the fertile, can I make a suggestion? A suggestion on how to share your pregnancy news in a group setting that has someone you know struggling and praying every day, every minute, or every second for their own two precious pink lines to appear?  Because while I know it sounds like an awesome opportunity to announce it in front of your friends or family members at the big annual family cookout, it’s probably going to place your infertile friend or family member in an awkward position. Maybe even potentially reopen a wound that was just starting to scab over.  Or cause them embarrassment as they are unable to hold back the alligator tears that sometimes accompany the pain they are feeling.  And so in order to possibly help shield her wounds and allow her to “rejoice with those who rejoice” to the best of her ability, can I offer you my number one tip or suggestion or piece of advice (however you want to look at it)?  

If so, here it is…

Tell her prior to the event. Perhaps tell her a day (maybe two) before the big reveal so that she has time to process the information. Process her grief. Process her emotions. Because she really does want to support you, and she really does want to be there with everyone else, but she just might need that extra time to pull herself together in order to do so.

And that’s not too hard is it?  It’s doable right?  Because telling her in advance still allows you to share your awesome news in front of your family and friends just like you have always dreamed of doing, but it also gives her the grace and compassion her soul desperately needs during this unwanted season in her life. And to me?  That’s a win for everyone.

 

With Love

I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on, then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook. Or come hang out with me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird.

Waiting for Baby Bird, When Someone You Know Is Infertile

From the Heart of an Infertile: An Open Letter to Other Mom’s on Mother’s Day

Elisha

From the Heart of an Infertile

Hey there sweet Mama,

I know we have never met. In fact, you don’t know much about me unless you have read my “about me” section, and honestly, I probably know little to nothing about you. But if you are a mother, I’m going to guess that Mother’s Day is a time of celebration for you. You wake up to burnt toast ready for you to eat in bed. There are flowers picked from the yard lying next to your pillow. You open the gifts handcrafted with love and read cards made by tiny hands and broken crayons. It’s a great day for you!  As it should be! You should be celebrated for all the sacrifices you make for your family. You should be recognized and applauded for all of your hard work. Because being a mother? It’s not easy or always fun.

But in the midst of your celebration this Sunday, can you do me a favor? Can you also remember and acknowledge her? She is the one hiding in the back of the church. Last pew. Staring at her feet with tissues in hand. She is also the one with tears in her eyes as she passes by the flowers, the Hallmark greeting cards, and the eye-catching #1 Mom necklaces. Because, you see, for her, Mother’s Day is not a time of joy, but rather heartache. It’s not a time in which she is remembered, but often forgotten. And it’s also a time when she feels alone. Painstakingly different. And less of a woman. It’s not by choice that she has chosen to not be a mother, but instead it has happened by force. The disease of infertility that affects the reproductive organs and destroys the dreams of 1 in 8 couples has caused her to feel this way.

I know you may not comprehend her thoughts or understand her feelings, and that’s okay. Because I know it’s hard when you haven’t walked in another person’s shoes. But in order to see her story and feel her pain, would you like to try? If so, let’s take a quick walk down memory lane. Is that okay? But make sure before you lace up your shoes, you grab a box of tissues because it won’t be easy. So, if you ready, let’s take a deep breath in and out…because here it goes…

I want you to first remember the excitement you had when telling your husband, or your best friend, sister or parents that you were expecting. You were so excited! And do you remember how pregnancy changed your body–it was just a little at first, but then as your baby grew, so did your belly. Maybe even your ankles. And despite the expanding and the stretching you rejoiced with each picture taken to show the progression. And do you remember the emotions you felt when your miracle kicked for the first time? Or had the hiccups? You were crazy excited, am I right?

What about when your baby moved inside of you at the sound of your voice? And think back to the overwhelming sense of joy you felt and how your heart almost burst out of your chest when you gazed into their eyes for the first time. Do you remember the tears in your own? And how those tears made it difficult for you to frantically count their fingers and toes?

Now sweet Mama, here comes the hard part. Are you ready? I want you to place your hand over your womb and try to strip yourself away from having those climatic moments that have given you life changing memories. And instead, I want you to take a moment to imagine the pain of hearing a doctor tell you that the chances of you conceiving are less than 3 percent. Your eggs do not mature for ovulation. Your endometriosis is not fixable. Your husband has zero sperm. Or your Fallopian tubes are blocked and beyond repair. What about being told you have been born with no uterus? Or you are already in menopause, yet of childbearing age?

Imagine yourself in your first, second, or third trimester going in for a routine doctor’s appointment expecting to hear the nurse tell you that there is a healthy baby developing perfectly. But the only thing you hear is silence, followed by a muffled voice telling you there is no longer a heartbeat.

Imagine instead of picking out your child’s first outfit, you choose a casket. Try to imagine the pain associated with never knowing what it will feel like to have their precious arms wrapped around your neck. Or never getting to hear the sound of their voice or look into their eyes. Better yet, your beloved child will never get to look into your eyes and see the unconditional love you have for them.

It’s hard imagining these horrific moments, isn’t it? And no one wants to. No one wants this type of pain for even a second. But for some women, it is their reality that often paralyzes them with worry as they fear of never being able to experience motherhood. It is their reality that keeps them feeling alone and set apart; always on the outside looking in while attending baby showers and other social gatherings. It is their reality that makes being able to get out of bed and attend a church service on the second Sunday in May, an unbearable and painful and tearful struggle.

Because for this particular holiday, those who only see a negative pregnancy test, or who have suffered a miscarriage, a still birth, or experienced an unsuccessful adoption, their fears, worries, and painful emotions are magnified and intensified. Every Mother’s Day commercial they see, greeting card they pass by, or baby giggle they hear reminds them of what they are not, but so desperately want to become. It is like pouring salt into their open wound. And on that Sunday when they watch as each mother stands in church to be recognized…to be applauded…shame can unexpectedly wash over them as they realize they are forced to be left sitting, unqualified for such honor.

Even for those who have hope that their situation could change and faith so strong to believe that it will, this day is still not easy. Because the grief from what she is not, and the pain from what she has lost, will come pouring down on her like a hurricane. And while she should be able to get up and run to the church on this Sunday for healing of her broken heart, much like a sick person runs to a hospital, she can’t. Because for her? The pain is far greater in the church, then at home.

But even so, she still needs shelter from the storm. A place where she can find peace. And hope. A place where she doesn’t feel alone. Or scared. But most of all, she needs someone to take her there. Because do you remember in school when the storm alarm would sound and the teacher would lead you to a place of safety? You were scared and so the teacher helped you to your knees. She showed you how to cover your head with your hands, all while reminding you in her sweet and gentle voice that it would be okay. Do you remember that? Because that is what she needs.

She needs someone with compassion and understanding, perhaps someone like you, to help her.

After all, in the coming days her alarm is going to sound, her eyes will slowly begin to open, and she will immediately be stricken with sadness, even despair as she remembers what day it is. Mother’s Day. It is then that she will need someone to take her to a place of safety, remind her to get on her knees and cry out to the Lord for His comfort and for His peace. All while also needing someone to help cover her head for protection. But not with hands…rather with words. But not just any words. His words. Because through heartache and pain, she too will need to hear a calm and gentle voice. A voice reminding her that according to Leviticus 26:9, He will look on her favor and increase her numbers. And she will need someone to assure her that He will fulfill the desires He has placed inside of her heart (Psalm 37:4). And what she has lost? He will restore. (Zechariah 9:12). 

She needs someone to remind her that the most fertile part of her body, is not her womb. But her heart. Because that is where her dreams and visions are born. It is where her plans are made. And desires are planted. It’s where motherhood starts. It is where it lives. And where it grows.

Although these words might not completely erase the emptiness she feels, it will help her know that she is not alone. It will help her see that she is not overlooked. And the child she might have lost has not been forgotten.

So, sweet Mama, if you know someone struggling with infertility will you be that someone for her? Will you step out of the crowd and be the one she needs this Sunday? Will you help shield her from the wind and the rain caused by her grief? Because the shelter she needs, could be found inside your hug. Or the thoughtful card you send or the flowers you give, could be the umbrella that not only helps her weather the storm, but also helps her to dance within it. And the individual time and attention you give to her on this particular day that is meant to celebrate you, could be exactly what she needs in order to help her remain steadfast in her faith and confident in His timing.

So, let me ask you again sweet Mama, will you be that someone she needs this Mother’s Day? For her, I sure hope so…

With Love

I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird”, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

 

Waiting for Baby Bird, When Someone You Know Is Infertile

Wearing Her Shoes

Elisha

Wearing her Shoes

I will never forget the first time I saw her shoes. It was a cold wintry day in November and there I sat speechless, patting her hand while wrapping my arm around her shoulder. I didn’t know what to do or say. I occasionally muttered the words, “I’m sorry” but each time I said it, I felt like they were just words that hung in the air. She had struggled with infertility for years and was just told the precious baby she had come to love more than anyone or anything no longer had a heartbeat. She had only known about this miracle growing inside of her for a few short weeks but she was in love. She was already planning maternity pictures, birth announcements and dreaming of her first Mother’s Day.

She had a million dreams that turned into a million losses in a matter of seconds.

I will never forget the feelings I had and the thoughts that ran through my mind as I walked away from her that day. A part of me wanted to do or say more in order to ease her pain, but I didn’t know how because at the time, I hadn’t experienced my infertility struggles or early miscarriage. I hadn’t walked a mile in her shoes; I hadn’t experienced the pain from the blisters on her feet, and as a result, I went weeks trying to encourage her out of her grief and wondered why she couldn’t just pick herself up by her bootstraps. I remember thinking and almost even saying common phrases that I had often heard, but now make me cringe. Phrases such as, “Let’s be thankful this happened early before you were too attached” or “At least we know you can get pregnant.” I am forever thankful those words never come out of my mouth.

It’s been three years since I saw her shoes and in that time, I have not only walked a mile in them, but they now cover my own feet. On that day she told me they hurt.  And she was right, they do. She told me how uncomfortable they made her feel. She wasn’t exaggerating. She talked about her blisters and how just when she thinks they are healed, an old one will open up or a new one will form. And once again, she was right. There are days I can walk for miles without feeling any pain, but then sometimes, just when I think my feet are getting used to these shoes, the pain starts to resurface and the blisters once again start to form.

But no matter how painful they are, how many blisters they give me, or how uncomfortable they make me feel, I never want to take them off. Because without them, I realize I can’t recognize the depth of another person’s pain or loss.  I can’t understand how doubts and fears can consume and cripple a person from the inside out. Without them, I can’t find the words to say, and I don’t know the hugs to give or the cards to send. There was once upon a time when I knew her shoes hurt, but I never knew how bad they hurt until I put them on too. And that’s why I never want to take them off.

My sweet friend, the one reading this now, maybe you are also wearing shoes that hurt from some of life’s disappointments. Shoes from a divorce or another broken relationship. Maybe shoes from the death of a loved one or even the loss of a dream. Whatever it was, please don’t despise them. I know they cause you pain, create blisters and make you uncomfortable, but I also know they can give you the ability to offer encouragement to the discouraged and hope to the hopeless.

Your shoes are unlike any other pair of shoes because they give you the special ability to walk along another person who is hurting, feeling their same blisters, acknowledging their same pain, and all the while giving them the strength they need to keep moving…keep going…keep traveling through life.

So friend, as much as you hate the shoes you are wearing and wish you could take them off, please embrace them.  Please own them. Please walk proudly in them. Don’t try to hide them or the pain. And when you can’t seem to take another step in them, call upon the One who can–His name is Jesus. He will not only heal your blisters, but He promises to help carry your pain.

With Love

I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on.Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” enter into exclusive giveaways, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

The Comic Section, Waiting for Baby Bird, When Someone You Know Is Infertile

25 of the Worst Expressions to Say to Your Infertile Friend (and the responses I would like to give)

Elisha

Since coming out of the infertility closet several years ago, everyone including the male cashier scanning my ovulation prediction kit has offered me their words of comfort, their awe-inspiring stories of hope, as well as their golden nuggets of advice. This is why if I had a dollar for every time I was educated on the best vitamins to increase my egg quality or the latest medical science proven to guarantee conception, I could go out and buy that vacation to Hawaii that my friend suggested I should take. Because after all, her Uncle’s niece who has a friend from college took one and she came home pregnant!  With twins!  {Insert my fake squeal occupied by an eye roll}

I know! I know! Each person is only trying to provide those of us struggling with comfort, and they are only trying to help “fix the problem;” but when it comes to infertility? There are a few expressions I wish people would try to avoid if possible. Would you like to know which ones they are? And are you ready to have a little tongue-in-cheek humor while we are at it? If so, brace yourself because I am not holding back…

Disclaimer:

My first language is English, my second is sarcasm. Be advised most of this post is written in my second language.

25 of the worst expressions with border

1.  “Trying to get pregnant is the fun part!  I bet you are enjoying it.

You’re right! What’s there not to enjoy?! For the last several years I have had to schedule intercourse nearly every other day for at least three weeks in a cycle (thanks to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and kick my legs up in the air for 30 minutes afterwards. It’s not only romantic, but supa fun!

2.  “Just remember, there are worse things that could happen.”

True. But try to remember everyone reacts to life’s experiences differently. Your “worst” is probably different from mine. In fact, I know it is; because you said “it was the worst thing ever” when the shoe store didn’t have your size…

3.  “If you drink more water and eat healthier then you would get pregnant.”

This comment always makes me feel at fault for my inability to conceive. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me want to grab another Mountain Dew and Snickers bar while I cry over your helpful suggestion.

4.  “Why do you want kids? You get to sleep in late and do whatever you want.”

I don’t want to sleep in late. I don’t want to travel when I want. Or go shopping whenever I feel like it. What I want to do is be a mother to my own children and hear the pitter patter of their tiny feet come running down the hallway on a Saturday morning begging for me to turn on the cartoons. And as crazy as this sounds? I want to hear the cries of my newborn baby bird who wants to be snuggled at 3am. Or pick up Cheerios off the floor.

5.  “Be thankful you miscarried early before you were too attached.”

I might have only been a few weeks weeks pregnant, but I was attached to my little miracle more than you could ever imagine. In fact, the second I saw those two pink lines, I fell in love. And you know? I am still in love.

6.  “It’s all in God’s hands.” 

I know that genius. And while I trust in His plan and timing, it doesn’t make the struggle any easier to navigate. It just makes it more confusing. 

7.  “It must not be God’s will for you to be a mother”

You wouldn’t go to a paraplegic and tell them that God didn’t intend for them to walk. So why would you tell someone struggling to conceive that God doesn’t intend for them to be a mother? This comment is cruel. Please don’t say it.

8.  “You just need a glass of wine and some sexy underwear!”

Is that all it takes? Why didn’t I think of that?! Tonight I’m ditching my granny panties and grabbing my boxed wine…look out for a pregnancy announcement next month, folks!

9.  Isn’t it funny how people who want kids can’t have them but people who don’t want them seem to have a bunch?”

This is funny to you? Clowns are funny. Monkeys are funny. My husband trying to tell a joke or dance is funny. What isn’t funny is my situation.This comment only makes me feel bitter and angry as it reminds me of just how unfair and unjust life can be.

10.  “Take my children for a while–that will change your mind about having kids!”

I know it is usually meant to be as a joke and trust me, I do like to laugh! Even snort when I do. But this? I can’t laugh at this. Besides, I don’t want your snotty, whiny, lip poutin, bratty kid (did I just type that?). Instead, I want my own snotty, whiny, lip poutin, and bratty kid. Not to mention, this “joke” kinda makes it look like you don’t want your kids; which I know you do. So just be mindful about this one, mmmmm…k? Especially if they are standing around listening.

11.  “Has your husband tried boxer shorts?”

Do we really need to discuss my husband’s underwear? No. But for the record, he stopped wearing thongs after college. And the boxers you suggest? They will not magically balance my hormones. Mature an egg. Or cause my body to ovulate. They just won’t. But oh how I wish they would!

12.  “You got pregnant once, so I know you can do it again.” 

I completely understand this reaction and I think it’s a common one for most people to say. Especially to someone who struggled so hard to get pregnant in the first place. In fact, it was the reaction of my nurse after she informed me I was going to miscarry. And to be honest, this one never bothered me because I sorta agreed. But after four years of repeated negative pregnancy tests since my loss, this statement no longer provides a glimmer of hope. In fact, it only reminds me that the one and only time I got knocked up was when the Doctor did it.

13.  “If you would just relax…”

So your Aunt Sally’s niece who has a friend who lives in California that knows of a neighbor finally became pregnant after she relaxed? Neato! But did you know there is no medical proof that soaking in the hot tub or taking a few deep breaths makes people more fertile? Not to mention, when you tell me to “just relax”, it only stresses me out more. Capiche?

14.  “Your house is only clean because you don’t have any children.”

But I don’t want a clean house. I want a filthy one like yours. I want Cheerios on the kitchen floor. Puzzles scattered all across the living room. And fingerprints smudged on the window because they were impatiently waiting for their super hero of a daddy to come home.

15.  “Why don’t you just adopt? There are lots of children who need a home!”

You are right! There are lots of children who need a home. Sooooo, why don’t you “just” adopt? Don’t get me wrong, I love adoption and the opportunity to give a child a forever home, it’s just not something I want to do at this time in my life.  Besides, you can’t “just” adopt. It takes thousands upon thousands of dollars…Lawyers…Home studies…References…Classes…

16.  “Maybe God gave you Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) to teach you a lesson.”

Is this statement really suppose to make me feel better about myself? Or offer any type of encouragement? Thank goodness I already know that God is loving and only gives good and perfect gifts (James 1:17). Or this comment that I have heard a bazillion times? Well, it would keep me up at night.

17.  “You are just thinking about it too much.”

Possibly…but I like to pray continually and without ceasing, therefore, I kinda like to think about it a lot.

18.  “If you stop trying, then it will happen.”

Did I miss health class the day the birds and the bees were discussed? Unless I am the next virgin Mary, I think we have to be trying a little…

19.  “Maybe you should lose some weight.”

If it wasn’t enough that my self-esteem has already taken a hit due to an increase in acne, excess sweating, hot flashes, mood swings, facial hair and body hair (compliments of PCOS)? Your comment might have just made it take another sharp nose dive. And now I feel the need to run five miles and eat only three peanuts. Thanks.a.bunch.

20.  “You are so young!  You have plenty of time.”

Even though I am 30ish and I haven’t applied for my AARP card yet, my eggs have. Because according to recent tests, I have the eggs of a 60-year-old woman. So, what’s that you say about being young?

21.  “I bet you wish you hadn’t waited so long. ”

Actually, I was married in August of 2006 and stopped using protection in January 2007. According to my calculations, I waited a whopping six months…

22.  “I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to try so hard.  All my husband has to do is look at me and BAM!”

Super comforting words right there. Maybe your husband could teach my husband how to “look at me” and then BAM I could be pregnant too?

23.  “You are so lucky. You don’t know how hard it is to wake up every two hours to feed a baby.”

You are right, I don’t know. But I wish I did. 

24.  My Uncle Bob has a cousin who knows of a friend who has an Aunt that found out she was pregnant after she adopted.  If you adopt then I guarantee you will get pregnant!

Statistically, I am sure that happens in less than one percent of couples who adopt. But I was never that good in Math so I might be wrong. It’s probably like 100%. 

25.  Everything happens for a reason. 

Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Unfortunately, that’s the amount of comfort I get from this comment.

disgusted face

So, there you have it. My personal 25 worst expressions to say to an infertile friend. Wasn’t it fun?! Maybe you read these and realized you have said one. Some. Or maybe all. And up until now, you believed your words were comforting and encouraging. Maybe even supportive. I want you to know this: I get it. Because before I began this struggle to conceive, I said a few of these myself. It’s hard to know what to say to your hurting friend especially when you haven’t walked in their shoes and dealt with the daily struggles of infertility. Or felt the overwhelming sense of loss from a miscarriage. This is why I want you to know that it is okay. No, really! It’s okay! There is no sense in beating yourself up or kicking yourself in the fanny. I just want you to remember that when your friend confides in you about her struggle, she isn’t wanting you to fix her problems and she isn’t expecting you to have any of the answers. She has her doctor for that. Instead, what she is really coming to you for, and what she needs the most, is your shoulder to cry on. Your ears to listen. And your mouth for… nothing. Because honestly? A warm, sincere hug is far better than most anything you could ever say.

And sweet sister, if you read this list and could completely sympathize with each word, just remember most people don’t know what they are saying. They don’t realize the comments, the advice, and the questions dig deep into the spaces of your heart that long for a baby. They don’t know the buckets of tears you have shed, or the worries and fears that have caused you sleepless nights. Many, most likely, do not even know that you are trying…and trying…and trying…to see those two pink lines. Therefore, as hard as it is, and as much as you want to scream back at them your sarcastic remarks, try instead to look past their words and see their heart. Allow yourself to give them the benefit of the doubt that while they could have bridled their tongue, their words were not malicious in nature. I know it’s hard to do, but for me, in moments like these when forgiving is hard, I remind myself of Jesus. After all, if He can hang on the cross crucified and whisper the words, “Forgive them for they know not what they do”, then so can I. And you know, I bet with His help, you can too.

With Love

I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird”, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

Waiting for Baby Bird, When Someone You Know Is Infertile

How to Tell Your Infertile Friend, “I’m Pregnant!”

Elisha

Those two words “I’m pregnant” can bring a flood of emotions. To someone not trying to conceive, the news of someone else announcing their pregnancy can be a joyous time that is filled with excitement. However to someone who is struggling with infertility, these two words can bring a tsunami of emotions that include bitterness, anger, joy, sadness, grief, happiness, resentment, and even hope all in about 60 seconds.

Recently, I received awesome news from one of my closest friends that she and her husband are expecting baby number 3! I am not 100% positive, but I think it only took one or two months of “trying” for them to get pregnant. She is what I have labeled as “fertile myrtle.” Actually, in my book, anyone who can get pregnant within less than a year is labeled as “fertile myrtle”.

I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to tell me. I already knew they were trying and would often joke about her being pregnant soon. However she would always insist that I would be next (she has been such a great encourager); but I am not next and I’m sure she wished I were.

What I love most about my friend is her consideration of my feelings in how she told me. She didn’t brag about her ability to conceive in such a short amount of time, she didn’t tell me around a big group of people, she didn’t even tell me in person.  I didn’t even get a phone call with the news. Instead, she told me via text message and boy was I relieved to be in the comfort of my home and reading it by myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for her, but I had to take a sigh of relief that I wasn’t around a big group of people when the announcement was made.

I’m not sure how everyone else feels about how they receive news of such wonderful announcements, but at this stage in the game, text messages are the best way to go for me. I am always happy and excited for others because I would never wish month after month of disappointments on anyone…not even my worst enemy. But I never know what kind of “emotional state” I will be in that day and I don’t want that awkward moment of me either excusing myself out of the room to go cry (and every one knowing why), or the awkward moment of everyone immediately looking at me for my reaction and thinking…Is she happy? Will she cry? What will she say? Is she mad? Even when I do express sincere joy over the announcement, I feel as though everyone is thinking that I am being fake. Therefore needless to say, I can’t express how grateful I am that when she shared her news, I wasn’t in a room full of other women where I would have to guard my feelings or explain my silence.

Telling your “fertility-challenged” friend you are pregnant is never easy. This is why I have created a list with a few tips that I think will help when “sharing” your news.

1. Please don’t try to hide your news. The worst thing ever is to find out from another friend, acquaintance, or through social media such as Facebook (unless it is a private message), twitter or instagram.

2. Let your “fertility challenged” friend know (if at all possible) when you are trying to conceive. I am not really big on surprises and I don’t like news that will cause an emotional “shock”, therefore knowing in advance that a pregnancy announcement might be coming soon the pipeline has been extremely helpful for me in order to cope and deal with whatever emotions I might have in advance. The less of a shock, the better.

3. Before you conceive, find out how your “fertility challenged” friend would like to hear your awesome news.  Personally, I would prefer that if it is going to be announced in front of a large crowd, I find out in advance (even if it is one hour before). This is important because if I do have any emotional reactions (tears, heartache, anger, etc.), I will be more prepared to not show it in front of others and therefore be potentially embarrassed. Facial expressions that are full of tears, anger, bitterness, and embarrassment are not my best look, and as a matter of fact, they aren’t anyone’s “best” look.

4. Let your “fertility challenged” friend know you love her and are praying for her. I love how my friend started off the text message letting me know how much she loved me and then ending it with her praying for me. She is the bestest!

5. Give grace (this goes both ways). Give grace if the person doesn’t react the way you want them to and let them know it’s okay to cry, be upset, or just not speak. Also, forgive them for whatever they do or say and please don’t hold it against them. Your friend does want to be happy for you, but it’s normal for their first reaction to be that of heartache.  This is about her feelings of loss and not because she is unhappy about your pregnancy. Giving grace is not just a tip for the person sharing the news, but also for the person receiving the news. As “fertility challenged” people, we need to remember that not everyone knows the full extent of what we are going through, so we also need to extend that same grace to them as well, and forgive them for not “understanding” our emotions and struggles.

I truly believe that most people want to offer support, but often don’t know how. Hopefully this post will help you tell your “fertility challenged” friend (me for example), that you are pregnant.

On a happier note, when I think about her pregnancy, I can’t help but get excited as it increases my hope in God. Why? Because Romans 2:11 says that God does not show favoritism. Therefore, what He did for my friend, I have hope to believe He will also do for me. He is not sitting in Heaven on His throne, with a stern face, throwing out blessings on some and curses on others. He loves us all equally and His blessings are for us all equally. How exciting is that? This is why all I can say is, “I’m Next!”