The topic of waiting and how to wait well is an ongoing topic in the infertility community. It’s easy to get caught up in waiting for the “when it happens, then I’ll do this or I’ll do that.” But, friend, we must remember to live while we wait, which I realize is a beautiful thought or sentiment. But if you’re in the middle of a hard and long wait, it’s more of a cliché statement void of direction. It’s also a statement or sentiment that leaves most of us begging the question, how?
How do we live while we wait?
How can we live in the now and not let what we long for in the future incapacitate us? How do we breathe and take the next step without letting infertility consume us?
If you’re asking these questions, know that you are not alone. I’ve spent the last 12 years learning to live while I wait and have compiled a list of ten ways that have helped me live and not let this season of hope deferred drain or overtake me. I pray this list will also help you not stay stuck but keep moving forward, enjoying the abundant life Jesus died to give you (John 10:10).
1. Serve God and serve others.
Find a place in the church or a ministry (find an infertility ministry) that you can pour yourself into. Serving God and serving others will help you come alive and give you a sense of purpose while you wait. As I often say, give, and it shall be returned to you. The more you encourage others, giving them hope, the same will be given to you. So, when you feel hopeless or discouraged, serve. Volunteer at a local food pantry, send encouraging cards to those struggling, reach out to your church, and ask to volunteer in the office. Offer to babysit a single mother in need or drop off a warm meal. The possibilities are endless, and trust me when I say so fulfilling.
2. Refrain from dwelling on what you don’t have.
It’s okay to think about what you don’t have or even grieve the life you wanted, but don’t sit and dwell on it. Remember, we have 100% control over which thoughts we choose to dwell on. So, when discouraging or hopeless thoughts come in, get up and do something that requires other thoughts… like cooking, organizing, reading a non-fiction book, worshipping, etc.
* A great video on controlling your thoughts can be found here.
3. Get up and go, even if you want to stay home and sulk.
Go to the women’s group, go to the friend’s gathering, go to church, go grocery shopping, go buy flowers for a friend, and surprise her with them…basically, get up and go. The more you stay on the couch, under the covers, and away from others, the more the enemy can isolate you, and when he isolates you, he can control your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It’s like on the Discovery channel when the poor animal is away from the pack. It’s then that the predator will go after them and take them out. Stay with the pack, especially those who can surround you with prayer, truth, and godly encouragement.
4. Plan and Take the Trips.
Plan camping trips (those are inexpensive), beach trips, or spend the day antique shopping. Buy some bikes and go for a ride on the trails around your area, or go on monthly date nights that involve new adventures. (These are just ideas.) We have an innate desire to plan, create, and do. Therefore, since we can’t (at the moment) plan for a baby, we should plan for other fun and exciting things. So go to the zoo. Go to the waterpark. Live while you wait.
5. Exercise.
Exercising has been proven to lift your mood and make you feel accomplished in a season when you don’t feel you’re accomplishing any of your goals.
(PCOS Ladies: If you choose this, don’t make losing weight the goal. Exercise X amount of minutes or days as the goal. If you make a certain weight the goal and don’t reach it, feelings of failure will set in. Instead, choose a goal you can control, unlike the number on the scale.)
6. Pick up a new hobby (gardening, cooking, photography, etc.).
When you have a hobby that you’re passionate about, it helps you take the focus off your desires as you put them on other desires. Maybe it’s not a hobby you should pick up; maybe it’s starting an infertility support group, blog, or encouraging Facebook page to help bring comfort and hope to others.
7. Don’t put your life on hold.
Ask God what this looks like because it’s different for everyone. For some, it’s not planning your life around treatments but taking the trips. For others, it’s returning to school or starting a business adventure. For me, it was starting the ministry and not waiting until I had all the answers or the perfect outcome first. Too often, we believe the lie that our purpose in life is motherhood; therefore, we feel “on hold” until it happens. But our purpose in life is to bring God glory. That’s it. So, whether grocery shopping or talking to a co-worker, you can live out your purpose to bring Him glory through your words and actions.
8. Change your mindset from “When the desire comes, then I’ll be content” to “I’m content now.”
Keep a gratitude list every day. For the longest time, I kept a piece of paper taped to my kitchen cabinet, adding something to it every day.
9. When you feel down or discontent, ask yourself: “If today were my last day, is this how I would spend it?”
When you want to stay in bed, ask yourself, “Is this how I would spend my last day on earth?” When you have no energy to hope or do anything, ask yourself, “Is this how I would spend my last day on earth?” If you hate your job, ask yourself, “Is this how I want to spend my life? The one life I have?” If not, then choose to make a change. This might be a change in your attitude, plans, or career, or just out of your pajamas.
10. Invest in your friends.
Plan weekly dates—lunch and dinner. Or be spontaneous, popping in and saying hi to them while they are at work. When you know their weeknights are busy, and they don’t have time to cook, bring them a home-cooked dinner just because. Or, each week, send out encouraging cards to those who could use hope. There are so many options here.
Sweet friend, while this list is pretty great (eye wink), doing one or all these things does not mean life will be easy or void of struggle. There will be days of anger, frustration, bitterness, sadness, why me, and hopelessness (the list goes on and on). Trust me, I have felt these emotions. But having hobbies, serving others, the gratitude list, and getting up and going when I don’t want to help tremendously. And don’t forget, as I often say, it’s okay to have meltdowns. Just don’t unpack and live there. But even so, out of these ten suggestions, which one did the Holy Spirit speak to you about as you read? You know, which one pinged your heart or caused you to stir in your seat when you read it? Tell me! Remember, unlike Facebook comments, if you need someone to talk to, you can always reply to this email, and it will just be between me and you. This way, we can keep our conversations private as you ask questions, seek advice, or share your story.
With all my love,
Elisha, founder
