May 17th, 2012.
That was the day a nurse confirmed I was pregnant. And it was also the day I announced to my husband that he was going to be a daddy. I remember giggling over dinner as we discussed due dates, names, and nursery ideas…
It seems like it’s been forever since that day six years ago; yet at the same time it feels like it’s only been six minutes.
I’ll never forget sitting in the parking lot of a local restaurant with the sun beaming down on my legs as I hurried to answer the phone. I knew who it was going to be on the other end. It would be her. The nurse. I had been patiently waiting to hear her voice all morning. And there she was on the other end holding the fate of my future in her words. Was I pregnant? Was life within me growing? The answer was yes. All of the money, the pain, the heartache, the early morning appointments and late night tears were all worth it to hear her excited voice tell me what I already knew in my heart.
I was officially a Momma.
I remember after ending our conversation taking my hand and placing it over my womb as I whispered to God, “Thank you!” and then to my baby bird, “I will do anything to protect you.”
It was then that I forgot about my lunch as I rushed to Hobby Lobby, then Michael’s, then back to Hobby Lobby before ending at Walmart. I wanted to hurry and make that “Daddy Doody Kit” I had once giggled over while searching Pinterest and also orchestrate that announcement which had captured my heart through Facebook. It was the one with the honey bun in the oven and a sign that read “There is a bun in my oven.” Have you seen it? It’s cute. It’s even cuter when you can pull it off and capture it on camera, which I did.
I’ll never forget the look on his face; it’s the one you can see above. Even without pictures it’s a look that gets etched into your memory like a tattoo. It’s permanent. No matter how much you try to erase it, you can’t. It’s there. It’s always there.
You might ask why would you want to erase it, because it was a happy moment, right?
It was. And it still is.
Yet at the same time it isn’t.
Because that life I promised to protect? I couldn’t.
Trust me, I tried.
I begged. I pleaded. I ran to the church altar for prayer. I even called upon my friends, including the ones from Kindergarten, to storm the gates of Heaven. But despite the tears and even our bargaining, my baby was not saved.
Within two short weeks after hearing the nurses congratulate me, I had to force myself to say goodbye, instead of nine months later say hello, as I flushed my child, whom I often wonder might have had my husband’s dark hair or my blue eyes, down the toilet.
And that’s a day…an image…I would also like to erase. But again, it’s permanent. Like a tattoo.
On this day six years ago I was pregnant. And on this day six years later, I still am. Just not in the physical sense. Because while I might not be pregnant in my womb, I am in my heart. Because it is in our hearts that our dreams are first conceived. It’s there inside the soft fertile soil that God plants hope for our desires and gives us faith to believe in Him to bring them to fruition. It is there in our hearts where it first begins to live. And it is there where it continues to grow.
I know that it seems irrational, illogical, and downright ridiculous to continue to believe month after month, year after year for the impossible, but I can’t help but be expectant of it. After all, like I said, I am pregnant. I am pregnant with hope and faith, two power twins that together can bring forth a miracle. A miracle that will have ten tiny fingers and ten wiggly toes.
But you know something else?
I’m not just pregnant, and therefore expectant that one day the desires planted in my heart will one day grow in my arms, but I am also pregnant and expectant for that day to come for you too. For God does not show favoritism (Romans 2:11).
To read more about this day:
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14 thoughts on “When You Are Still Pregnant Six Years Later”
Thank you for sharing! I just went through nearly the same experience. I’m still grieving it. It is encouraging to hear from other women who have been there. It helps to not feel so alone, it gives me hope and helps me with acceptance and making sense of what happened.
Oh, hun! I am so sorry you also know this pain. Hugs! ❤
Thank you for posting in such an honest yet empathetic way. It does help to hear that others are going through issues similar to your own. We lost our first pregnancy, my son at 13 weeks a little over a year ago. The week of Mother’s Day. I doubt there will ever be a day I don’t think of my baby that I never got to meet, or hold, and constantly wonder who he would have became. Reading your article helps me through times like these.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hate that you also know this type of pain and heartbreak. 🙁
Thanks for sharing your journey and being so real!!
Awe! You are so sweet. Thank yiu for taking the time to read my ramblings. Xo
I just cried while reading. Im sorry for your loss. But thank you for reaching out and sharing wise words to grieving bereaved moms. My heart breaks with your loss, so it’s true. Even years after, we will always know what and who we’ve lost. Hugs momma.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I miscarried the week of mother’s day three weeks ago. It was a chemical pregnancy, the doctor said. It doesn’t make her any less of a baby to me. I too still grieve, waiting patiently until my time to hold a baby. I’m still a mama. You are too. So we will just wait for our baby birds together.
Oh, Stephanie! I am so sorry for your heartache. Regardless of what the doctor’s call it, a loss is a loss. I often say that a person is a person no matter how small. My prayers are with you and about you today. May God restore all to you all that which was stolen by the enemy and may He do it swiftly. I pray peace, comfort, and joy over your mind and household. Xo
I’m so sorry, Stephanie. We had a chemical last summer, and even though we never heard his/her heart beat or even saw a picture in an ultrasound, this little one was still a baby to us. This was followed by two BFNs, including one with a double transfer. The fourth try led to our surrogate’s current pregnancy, which hit 15 weeks yesterday. I wish you the best.
The Holy Spirit led me to your blog today so I could read this. Thank you.
Hey there! So thankful for the Holy Spirit!! Praying for you!
So amazing to read …the verse in Romans is one truth I have had to stand on….as lies tried to tell me He does play favorites …it is my default lie in hard seasons…..I too am waiting on God with low % from the doctor. Just found your blog and love it.
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