If you struggle with infertility and are like me, you come across days, holiday’s, months, seasons, or special anniversary dates when you think, “This is THE perfect time! Everything points to this particular month as being THE ONE in which you will get pregnant. But then as the “perfect time” passes and your pregnancy test doesn’t come back with those precious two pink lines you were hoping for, you are left feeling devastated. Doubt creeps in as you begin to wonder whether or not your circumstances will ever change–because after all, the “perfect time” has just passed by. How will there ever be another more “perfect time”?
This just happened to me. Because while there have been many times while on this journey in which I have thought, “This is the perfect time”, I have to admit that this month, this cycle, this time, it was different. It felt different. It looked different. And I was different.
I was more confident than ever because of all the signs, symptoms, and calculations. For instance, I ovulated. I haven’t ovulated on my own in over 21 months since I stopped taking fertility medicine. And so to have the signs, symptoms and actual ovulation? Huge, friends. Huge.
Secondly, this miraculous ovulation happened on or around the 17th. Why is this so significant? If you have read my post Sweet Dreams, you will understand that this particular number holds so much meaning to me. Therefore not only were things looking “perfect” in the sense of my body finally ovulating, but the day in which I ovulated seemed to be perfect too.
And for another sign that this was the “perfect time”? The possible due date. Usually since I never know when I ovulate, the “when is my due date” calculator is pointless and I haven’t visited those sites in over a year; but with the chance of knowing when I might have conceived this cycle, I went ahead and consulted Dr. Google. According to Dr. Google, my due date would land on or around October 17th. Catch my breath! Did Dr. Google just say October 17th? As in, 10-17? Because friends, the number 10 also holds a special meaning to me.
In April of last year, many woman were praying for me at church and three of them heard the number 10. I went home and Googled the Biblical meaning of this number and it means “completion of a cycle” and “not wanting”. If I was to give birth in October, it would definitely be the “completion of a cycle” and I would fo’sho “no longer be wanting.” The “perfect timing” doesn’t stop there because my Dad’s birthday is February 17th…this would be the perfect gift and perfect day and date to announce to my family that the struggle, the wait, and the anticipation is over. So as you can see, this particular cycle was looking PERFECT! The timing, the significance, everything, was simply perfect.
As if these positive dates and signs weren’t enough, I also started having pregnancy symptoms. You name it, I had it! And so I couldn’t help but think, “could this actually be happening?! Was I actually pregnant?!” All the signs and symptoms pointed to pregnancy…that is up until that moment I went to the bathroom. And all my ideas of how it was the “perfect time” came crashing down. The next cycle had officially begun. My “perfect time” had passed me by…so long…sayonara…adios.
It’s not the first time my “perfect timing” has passed me by. As I have said earlier, I have had many. But this one seemed more “perfect” than others. It just wasn’t about thinking, “Oh Christmas time would be perfect because I could announce in front of all my family and friends.” Nope. It was more than that. Each sign, symptom, date, and number held a high significance to me. How could God allow this opportunity for Him to flex His supernatural muscles pass by? How could He let this “perfect time” slip through the cracks? And then I stop and think, how could I possibly think I know when it’s the “perfect time” to bring a new life into the world? How arrogant am I?
Because as I stop to think about it, I remember the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth in the New Testament who were old and still barren despite years of trying to grow their family. How many “perfect times” passed them by? However, having reached the age pass menopause, and children seemed like an impossibility, an angel appeared to Zechariah and announced his wife would conceive a son at “the appointed time”. It wasn’t their “perfect time” to become parents because their idea of that was years earlier. It was back when they were younger and able to run, play freeze tag without getting tired in five minutes. Or when he was able to wrestle on the floor without pulling a muscle. But this story highlights that our “perfect time” is not always God’s “appointed time”.
God has known since the beginning of my infertility journey, even from the starting point of my life, the “appointed time” for fulfilling His plan to grow my family. The moment when I first gaze into the eyes of my baby bird will be of no surprise to Him. It’s already scheduled and if I could see His calendar for my life, it would be there. Circled in red with a birthday cake drawn in the box.
Over the course of the last couple of days I have often asked myself, “Why can’t now be the appointed time?” Everything seems as though it would be the “perfect time” but it’s not–it’s not “perfect” according to God’s plan and it’s not about me or my sense of urgency. My child has a specific place in history and God has a divine purpose for bringing my baby bird into the world at a particular moment in time to fulfill His higher purpose. He has a plan for their life and it goes beyond bringing them into my home just when I think it’s the right, or shall I say, “perfect time.”
But the question is can I wait? Can I trust God’s purposefulness enough to push aside my time frame and instead pray for patience and peace until He makes it happen in His way and on His schedule? The answer is yes! Yes I can. Because I trust Him. And I know He is just as eager to watch me share the pregnancy news and then nine months later look down on me as I joyfully count each finger and each toe.
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I can’t leave this post without giving God all the glory for this shortened cycle. My past five cycles have been long and each time I begin a new cycle, I am always wondering if it will be another record-breaking Longest.Cycle.Ever.. But God has answered my prayers. I have been asked if I did anything differently this time around and I guess you could say I did, but not for fertility purposes.
At the beginning of the year, my husband and I participated in a 21 day Daniel fast with our church. This meant no added sugar, processed foods, meat, or dairy. We ate only veggies, fruits, and rice (it.was.rough). I do know that women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) need to watch carbs and sugar because they can have a negative effect on our reproductive hormones; therefore, one could assume my lack of carbs and added sugar might have helped shorten my cycle. With this assumption, I might start being more cautious about the food I eat…but I will not give up my pizza or tacos. I can’t give up that. At least not yet.