“No Heartbeat”
I can remember the giddy smiles on our faces as we were preparing for our ultrasound appointment. “What are we going to name it if baby Lawler is a girl? How are we going to decorate the room? I think it is a girl from the way I have been feeling, but the Chinese calendar says it will be a boy,” she asked eagerly.
I could only smile seeing how happy she was. The last three years had been nothing but heartache after heartache. Two miscarriages and multiple failed planned pregnancy procedures. Having heard a heartbeat two weeks prior, we were certain that we were on the home stretch. It was a breath of fresh air to finally feel “comfortable.” The first thing I noticed when I walked into the waiting room is pictures, pictures, and more pictures of newborns. I cannot wait to be holding my baby like the guy in that picture. It’ll be here before we know it.
A moment later they called us back to the ultrasound room. We smiled at each other while the technician was preparing everything. I sat back looking up at the TV while the nurse starting looking for the baby. There it is! The nurse zoomed in on the baby and my wife exclaimed, “Aw it looks so much bigger than last time.” Her excitement was met with silence from the nurse. The look on the nurse’s face spoke all the words that the poor woman was dreading to speak. “Oh no.” is all she could muster up. After asking what was wrong, she showed us that the baby was measuring one week behind and…there was no heartbeat. Time seemed to freeze. This is definitely a bad dream. My eyes never left the monitor. I was hoping and praying that I would see that little flicker of a heartbeat come back to life. After apologizing again and again, the nurse left the room to go fetch the doctor. I rushed over to my wife and wrapped my arms around her. I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be fine and God has a plan, but this time, I did not believe it myself. God had truly let me down.
The nurse eventually led us to the doctor’s office and instructed us to wait on him for a consultation. The ten minutes we waited on the doctor felt like an eternity. I could sense my wife’s pain but could not find any words to comfort her, so there we sat together but in silence. I looked around the room and there were pictures of newborns in this office as well. Only this time, instead of feeling excitement, I felt envious. Why do all of these people get to have children but we don’t?
The only thing I wanted to do as we were walking to the car was to ease my wife’s pain. The face of defeat that I had seen time and time before did not compare to the look I now saw in her eyes. Should I tell her that it is going to be fine? Or that “God’s will” will happen in his timing? Sure, that is believable. Miscarriage after miscarriage. This sure is some will you got there, God. The silence followed us all the way to her car where the only words I could finally mutter to say were, “I love you.”
When I got in my truck, I looked down to see that I had multiple missed calls from my sister, probably wanting to know how the appointment went. I had absolutely no desire to talk to anyone so I sent out a group text to my family. The only thing I could type was “No heartbeat”. Defeated, I laid my head on the steering wheel. Tears rolling down my face, I whimpered, “Why God?” After a slight pause I gripped the steering wheel, knuckles turning white, and screamed, “WHY GOD?! What kind of God would do this? I thought you were a gracious God. You gave us hope once again just to take it right out from underneath us.”
Every single emotion that had been buried deep inside me from the beginning of our fertility journey came flowing out of me. Every thought that had once been masked by saying “It’s just God’s plan” was out in the open. The more I cried out, the more I felt a strange resistance. Something inside my head was telling me that the emotions I was feeling were to be expected and that my cries were being heard. I knew that voice, but the last thing I wanted in that moment was to hear it. I wanted to be angry at God. The more I shouted, the more I felt resistance. The more I bashed Him and His deceitful motives, the more the truth was forced upon me. “You cannot run from My love,” I heard clear as day. I felt like a child thrashing in his father’s arms and the father was showering me with love. In an instant I felt the true weight and power of God’s love like never before. In that moment I knew that my wife and I were not fighting this battle alone. My eyes were open to the fact that he had been there wiping every tear along the way.
When asking, “Why God?” I did not get the answer I wanted. However, I got the answer I needed. God’s love is enough. If going through all of this was just to get me to the moment where I felt the true power of God’s love, I would say without a shadow of a doubt that this entire fertility struggle has been worth it.
October is National Pregnancy and Child Loss Awareness Month and I feel called to share my testimony regarding this because I know there are countless others who are sharing this same struggle. Don’t become calloused to the norm. Show God your emotions. God wants nothing more than your true heart. He wants to hear your doubts just as much as your praises.
Hunter, who has been happily married to his amazing wife Brianna for three years, loves to fish, hunt, travel and hangout with his family and friends. While he and his wife have yet to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet running down the hallway, they continue to have hope as they trust in the Lord to fulfill the desires placed within their hearts.
If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!
