Ay, Yi, Yi! I don’t even know where to begin, especially with the title being what it is, but I know where you should start; that is, going back to read the hilarious yet informative Part One of this awkward review series on an ovulation detection device called OvuSense. So while you go back to read it either for the first time or to refresh your memory on this sperm look-a-like-contraption that made me more nervous than a virgin to insert, I’ll wait. (You can find it here)
Listen, I know over half of you didn’t go back to read it (because honestly? I wouldn’t have either). My guess is you probably thought you could continue to read Part Two without needing to know Part One, buuuuut it doesn’t work that way. So for those of you who were hoping for the cliff notes, it’s your lucky day! Just sit back, grab a bag of popcorn, and let me give you a quick recap through the use of a few pictures since obviously only reading about it isn’t your “thang.”
Here goes the recap…
One day, a spokeswoman from OvuSense contacted me in order to- free of charge- test out their product, which is a fertility monitor, in exchange for an honest review.
I said, “No, thank you.”
But then a year passes, and guess what? She bugs asked me again! I know, right? She was kind of like that pesky telemarketer who interrupts your Saturday afternoon nap after you had already told them once before that you weren’t interested. Because y’all, it’s been over two years since I have tracked, charted, or timed my cycles, and it has been so liberating! Yet there she was, trying to break me out of my liberated state in which I was trying to… “just relax.”
But I still said…Nope!
(I would tell you why but I already did that in Part One, and I’ve got stuff to do.)
However, one day I was bored while on the toilet (just being real) and I started reading comments from women in those ‘trying to conceive’ Facebook groups as they attempted to analyze each other OPK’s. It went a little something like this…
Woman obsessively peeing on sticks: (Shows 8 sticks in photo) “Do you think they are getting darker? I think the first line is darker but I can’t tell. Maybe I should wait for another day? What do you guys think?”
Good Samaritan trying to help: “I think it needs to be darker but go ahead and BD just in case.”
Woman confused: “What does BD mean?”
Good Samaritan clarifying: “It means baby dance or to have sex with your husband.”
Woman confused but now educated: “Oh! Thank U!”
The third woman chimes in: “Can you take another picture but in different lighting? I can’t tell if you are ovulating yet.”
Woman obsessively peeing on sticks: (posts a new picture in different lighting but it still looks the same to me)
The third woman busting some hopeful bubbles: “That’s better lighting. From what I can tell, it’s not as dark as it should be, so try again tomorrow.”
Woman obsessively peeing on sticks: “This is crazy to me and I don’t understand. I think I am in my ovulation window according to my basal body temperature so why isn’t the line showing darker? Why does it have to be so confusing? I have been doing this for 3 years! I just want to be a mom!”
The fourth woman gives her scholarly opinion: “Getting close to ovulation…I think!”
All of this back and forth, and am I or aren’t I ovulating, got me thinking…perhaps if I tested out the product that the company claims to be amaze-balls, then how life-changing it could be for you, my awesome-sauce loyal readers! It could be incredible, right?! ” And so I began to think about it a little more. After all, I am an open and honest and far too transparent person (I mean, come on! I told you I was on the toilet!). Therefore I know I could be that friend who could honestly say, “YES! YOU MUST SELL EVERYTHING TO GET THIS DEVICE.” Or the one to shake my head and say with my deepest regrets, “Don’t waste your money because it’s not amaze-balls, it SUCKS-BALLS!” And so I began to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, the free opportunity could be worth it.
Not to mention, one day, while bored and once again on the toilet (see, transparent!), my stubborn and reluctant attitude really began to shift as I scrolled through Facebook and read post after post from women in the closed OvuSense Facebook group announce they were pregnant thanks to this device! It didn’t matter their diagnosis, the number of years they had been trying, or if they had normal cycles; women from all walks of the infertility journey were reporting success.
Needless to say, if you combine one group of women who never know if they are ovulating with another group singing praises to this contraption, which lets them know with 99 percent accuracy they are, you have me who decides to contact the persistent spokeswoman from OvuSense to let her know that it was time for me to give this thingy-ma-jig a try; which is exactly what I did. Within a week of giving her my address, the mailman delivered it to my doorstep, and I was like…”Ohhhhhhh, snap! Come here, little fella! It’s time to help me and some friends knocked up!”
But y’all! My excitement faded the moment I ripped open the package. This “magical device” came in an eyeglass case and looked like a giant sperm! All I could think about was…“And they want me to put THIS where?!”
The minutes leading up to when I inserted “Mr. Spermy” (that’s his nickname at my house) into my lady bits for the first time was an experience that you will have to read for yourself in Part One. You will find that hilarious paragraph towards the bottom of this post. All you need to do is look for the word “virgin.” Once you have read it, come back here because now we are ready for Part Two.
Many of you have asked how our first night went, and honestly, we had some trust issues. But it was not entirely Mr. Spermy’s fault. He wasn’t to blame. I brought my own baggage into the relationship. You see while trying to catch some zzz’s after we had “come together” just moments earlier, I remembered a post I read when I was stalking the closed OvuSense Facebook group, and I suddenly started to panic!
The story goes as follows:
Just days before I met, Mr. Spermy on my front porch, and once again, while bored (but not on the toilet this time), I came across a post by a woman in complete freak out mode (and understandably so). She had woken up from a good night’s rest and couldn’t find her Mr. Spermy anywhere. It had mysteriously disappeared while inserted overnight! Scary, right?! Everyone kept assuring her that it couldn’t get lost “up there,” and it must have fallen out while she was using the restroom that morning.
*NOTE: If you need to use the restroom in the wee hours of the night, you have two options: 1.) Leave it in and risk the device falling out, causing your butt cheeks to get splashed, you to panic, and then look around for something to fish it out with, or 2.) Take it out, do your business, insert it back in. The choice is yours. Choose wisely*
Now, back to the story…
While still in panic mode, the woman kept insisting to the ladies trying to talk her off the OvuSense cliff that the device couldn’t have fallen out because she would have heard the splash when it hit the water! This was when another sweet woman suggested that perhaps her dog might have found it and was using it as a chew toy.
* NOTE: According to many users, you must keep this device hidden from your pets as they will take it, run with it, hide it, and chew on it. No Bueno unless you are made of money and can keep buying new ones.*
Once again, back to the story…
The woman, who was now sending in the search party to look for it, aka her husband, insisted that her dog did not eat it or was lost in the sheets (also a suggestion made by another helpful user within the group). And me? I was like…
After going through many other suggestions, such as asking her if she was positive that she even inserted it in the night before and if she had, did she remember to insert it back in after having sex, (I suppose these ladies assumed her and her husband played in the sheets), the results were still inconclusive.A trip to the Emergency Room didn’t even solve the problem. Once again, scary!
A trip to the Emergency Room didn’t even solve the problem. Once again, scary!
Therefore it goes without saying that her worrying had me worrying. I woke up 20 times to give myself a self-examination the first night Mr. Spermy and I came together as “one.” I know it seems excessive, but I had to ensure his “tail” was still hanging out and that he hadn’t swum further into my vajayjay. The last thing I wanted to do was call in the search party. And the last thing my husband wanted to be was the search party. (FYI: Vajayjay is just another slang term used for the word vagina…classy, right?)
But I am happy as a clam to report that Mr. Spermy was, and still is, trustworthy and loyal to his duties. He stayed where I put him, and he recorded my body temperature with no problems. And the best part? I do not need to wake up at the same time tomorrow morning to obtain an accurate reading. Just wondering if you can hear that? No? Lean in real close? That’s the heavenly choir of angels singing! Glory! Glory!
*Note: According to the OvuSense website, the sensor will not get stuck or lost inside of you as there is nowhere for it to go. Also, after using it for 3 weeks, I would agree with their guarantee! Furthermore, for those of you curious about what could have possibly happened to the woman’s OvuSense that I mentioned earlier, I did reach out to her. As it turns out, she later found it resting peacefully inside her protective OvuSense case. Sigh. Of. Relief.
For Part 3 of this series, head on over to “Mr. Spermy goes in the Trash”
For more information regarding this device, please visit their website.
In order to snag 20% off your purchase, use coupon code BABYBIRD.
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