No matter how much I wish it would, or try to stop it, or attempt to keep it neat and tidy, the Play-Doh always gets mixed together into a giant ball of…well, whatever it is…and it causes this type A, everything has its place kinda gal, frustrated.
So today as I sat across from our foster princess trying to make her play with all of the colors separately, and slightly irritated that craft time wasn’t going according to “my plans,” and disappointed that she wasn’t keeping it all “organized” like I would have wished (and repeatedly asked), I realized how much of this represents my life.
Because it gets mixed up. It gets messy. Unorganized. Rarely does it ever go according to plan. And.I.Stress.Out.
My plan was to have a house full of children to fill the rooms, run down the hallways, and leave tiny fingerprints scattered on the windows. It was mapped out with trips to the zoo, family vacations to the beach, and rides on the water slides. But infertility has changed all that. It has changed my picture perfect plans of babies and diapers into tremendous amounts of heartache. Bottles of tears. Moments of desperation and periods of hopelessness and grief.
But as I sat back and watched our foster princess joyfully play in all of its mess…making cookies…birthday cakes…a snowman… and not care one single bit about the mixed up, messy, unorganized, not going according to plan mess, I realized we miss out on some of the happiest moments in life when we choose to focus on all that is going wrong. On everything that isn’t neat and tidy, according to plan. And when we do, we fail to see something truly beautiful be created out of even an ugly mess. Because the truth is, life will not always look like we want it to, but it is still beautiful.
And when I choose to let go and look pass the mess…pass the pain…pass the intense moments of desperation and despair…and pass the loss…and the unfairness of it all…infertility has actually created something beautiful…
Because it has been in this mess that my faith has grown and stretched in ways I never thought were possible. Or even desired. I am no longer a person that sees the glass half empty, but rather half full. I no longer hear of a diagnosis, read a statistic, or listen to an unfortunate circumstance and accept it as truth. Instead, I hear the word possible inside every impossible. I hear the whispers of hope inside every hopeless situation. And when I walk into a room, my eyes can now see the wounded, the scarred, and the beaten. I now have the confidence to run to them. To tell them it’s going to be okay. Because it won’t always be this way. It might not be today or tomorrow, but just like the night always turns to dawn, and the sun always peeks through the clouds, and the seasons always change, so will their situation.
This mess has also allowed me to connect with you and other hundreds of women around the globe. Many of whom have become some of my best friends–my go to gals. And had it not been for the tough stuff? The heartaches? The tears? I would have never known their tender souls. And as a result, my life wouldn’t be as beautiful.
But it is as I sit here smashing the different colors of Play-Doh together, embracing the mess that has been created, I realize the real beauty in this journey has been found in my unanswered prayers. It can be seen in the delay of my deepest desires. Because friend, if my deepest longings of my heart had been fulfilled when I wanted them to, and had my life gone according to my set plans, this precious little child with a giggle so sweet and curls so soft making a mess out of Play-Doh, wouldn’t be in my home. A place that is safe. Secure. Full of love. And to her? Beautiful.
So friends, as you gather around for the holidays this year, and your heart is breaking for whatever reason, and your soul is crushed from unanswered prayers, try not to feel just the pain or see just the sadness. Instead, choose to look for the moments of laughter. Choose to see the moments of love. And feel the moments of joy. Because while your life might look like the messy, unorganized, mixed up, not according to plan pile of Play-Doh…it is still a beautiful.
Blessed are those who see beautiful things in places where people see nothing. ~Camille Pissarro
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