I am cramping, bloated, nauseous, fatigued and having a serious–you better get me one now— craving for hot dogs. I am also making frequent trips to the ladies room, my breasts are beyond tender (which rarely happens) and I haven’t been able to stop crying ever since I saw the Snuggle commercial this morning (that bear is so cute). Regardless of what it appears to be (a possible pregnancy), I am on calendar day one of my menstrual cycle and while I didn’t see the miracle of a positive pregnancy test this month, I did see a few other miracles…
68 days, 70+ days, 39 days, and 32 days
(Those are the approximate lengths of my last four cycles)
No Ovulation. No ovulation. Day 25. Day 18.
(Those are the approximate days in which I ovulated during those cycles)
Do you see them?! No? Yes? Did you examine the numbers closely? Did you do a double take when you saw the sudden decline in cycle lengths? What about the fact that ovulation not only happened again this month, but it also occurred earlier? Basically did you take notice the healing that is happening inside my body?! If not, go back up and take another look. I’ll wait…
Last month I wrote about how God is doing a new thing and I’ll admit, I have had my moments of doubt in the last thirty days as to whether or not my cycles would continue on this trend of ‘normalizing’, but it’s undeniable to me now and I am just overwhelmed by His grace and faithfulness. I can’t help but sit here today more hopeful than ever for what will happen in next cycle. I can’t help but smile as I give Him all the honor and glory because I have done nothing to cause this sudden change in my body except persevere in my faith.
I can’t tell you how many days I wanted to throw in the towel as I went from having 34 day cycles to 42 and then 56 before slowly climbing as high as a 70+ day cycle. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to quit taking my prescriptures and gospills because it seemed as though the more I put my hope and faith in God, wrote about my belief that He would undeniably fulfill His promise of a baby bird to me, the more everything would become worse. But I didn’t.
Instead I pushed through the thoughts of hopelessness when it seemed too difficult to remain hopeful. I pushed through the doubts of God’s promises after each negative pregnancy test. I pushed through the desire to give up when everything around me appeared to be worsening and more obstacles stood in my way. I pushed through the desire to stop praying when it seemed like my prayers were never going past the ceiling. I pushed through and didn’t back down when others mocked me, ridiculed me and called me a an enormous (not pregnant) fool for my faith. I pushed through with persistence and perseverance and I am so thankful I did.
Many times we believe miracles will happen almost instantaneously and when it doesn’t, we start to lose hope and eventually give up. However, I believe that just like a seed takes time to sprout and grow, it may take some time for one to see the manifestation of their healing. Just look at the story found in Mark Chapter 8 when Jesus healed the blind man. At first when Jesus spit on His hands and touched the blind man’s eyes, the blind man discovered he could see, but not clearly. In fact he said that people looked like trees walking around. It wasn’t until Jesus touched his eyes again that he was completely healed and made whole. Just like the blind man, it make time before you see 100 percent wholeness but do not give up. Do not lose hope. Do not become discouraged. Do not think that healing is not available to you. Instead keep persevering and believing in faith until it is complete.
Am I at 100 percent wholeness? Am I where I want to be? No and according to some, I may never reach 100 percent and I might always remain an enormous (not pregnant) fool. However, I have the evidence and faith to believe that God is still doing a new thing and I am one cycle closer…
But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it. Romans 8:25
Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. Psalm 30:2
For the word of the Lord is right and true, he is faithful in all he does. Psalm 33:4
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