Tear Soaked Pillow…

It’s been a long time since I have cried myself to sleep over our difficulty and struggle to build our ‘perfect’ family, but last night I let one seemingly small thought enter my mind and I entertained that thought…the next thing I knew I was a sobbing mess.  The hubs was sound asleep and snoring beside me, which was a relief because when I cry, I don’t want to be consoled, hugged, touched, or told the words, “It will be okay”, because in that moment, those words will do nothing but make me get more frustrated and I will probably say things that will create more doubt and more negative thoughts that in return, will grieve God.

It’s amazing how one small thought can lead you down the path of destruction in your mind and start to make you question EVERYTHING that you believe.  One little thought can turn into a billion little thoughts and when rolled up all together, they will stir up fear, worry, doubt, unbelief, and discouragement in a matter of minutes.  This is why 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to “..take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 

While laying there and trying really hard not to cry so hard that the bed shook (I didn’t want to wake up Daniel), I was reminded of the story in 2 Chronicles Chapter 20 when the Moabites, Ammonites, and the Meunites came against Jehoshaphat in battle and he began to fear (2 Chronicles 20:2-3).

Last night my “-ites” started as one and then mounted to many… I had the “fear-ites”, the “another Thanksgiving without a baby-ites”, the “PCOS-ites”, the “I’m getting weary-ites”, the “I hope my brother doesn’t announce he and his wife are expecting-ites”, the “when is this going to end-ites”, “worry-ites”, the “doubting God-ites” and the list goes on.

But after Jehoshaphat began to fear, the next thing he did was seek the Lord and hear from Him.  I needed to seek the Lord and hear from Him again. As I continued to lay there and talk to God and listen, I was reminded of all of His promises.  I was reminded of His goodness, His unfailing love and faithfulness.  I started whispering them out loud and thanking Him for everything He is doing in my life that I can see and for the things for which I cannot see.  I reminded myself of when He told me I would have a son and to name him Josiah (which means Jehovah healed) and of the time a woman in our church (who didn’t know me or my story) looked at me and blurted out with such enthusiasm…“God said you will have a son!”  I also began reminding myself and repeating the scriptures in which God has given me healing through His Son Jesus.  As I did this, I started to sense all of the “-ites” become smaller and smaller and God’s Word become greater and greater.

Sometimes we don’t take every thought captive as soon as it enters our minds, but once we recognize the “-ites” that are winning the battle, we need to stop.  We need to calm down, collect ourselves and seek the Lord. We need to get back to the word that the Lord gave us…the one that first filled us with excitement, filled our faith bucket, gave us hope, joy and boldness to conquer the enemy.

When the “-ites” come against us,  we need to starve our doubts and begin to feed our faith with the Word of God.

I encourage you to not listen to the enemy and to take every thought captive that is not obedient to what the Word of God says.  The enemy is a liar and the father of all lies.  He is the one who brings discouragement, the one who whispers, “Your breakthrough will never come.”  Last night I had to make a conscious effort to seek the Lord and not continue to let the “-ites” win the battle and steal my hope and faith.  I had to purposely seek the Lord and go back to remembering God’s written word and His personal word that He gave me 18 months ago.

God cannot lie and His promises are sure; therefore, no matter what “-ites” come my way, no matter what weapon formed against me by the enemy, God is and always will be faithful to perform His Word. I must believe and remain steadfast for we inherit the promises of God by faith and patience (Hebrews 6:12).  My breakthrough is coming!

“…Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

joy comes in the morning

For those of you who are nosey and curious (as I would be) as to what thought started the snowball effect…here it is 🙂

I was lying in bed and I couldn’t sleep (too much caffeine) and so I started thinking about Thanksgiving.  It was an innocent thought on where we were going, what I was going to bring to eat, and if someone was going to make macaroni and cheese (mom please tell me you are reading this…hehe).

Then that thought led to “what did we do last year?”  I started thinking about last Thanksgiving and how I told myself, “This time next year we will have a baby.”  Well, it’s “this time next year” and we are still childless and unless I have a miracle conception, I won’t be pregnant at Thanksgiving.  So that’s when I said to myself again, “This time next year we will have a baby.”  AND that’s when it happened…the thought snuck in that said…“You said that last year…what makes you think you will have a baby next year?”

Yep…just the thought of what we were eating for Thanksgiving led to me doubting God, questioning His faithfulness, and everything else I believed.  bleck!  I’m at least still hoping I get macaroni and cheese THIS Thanksgiving.  (I’m still hoping my mom is reading this. ha!)

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13 thoughts on “Tear Soaked Pillow…

  1. Yes, so much wisdom in this (as always girl). So glad that you took that thought captive the minute the enemy started attack! We will see God’s glory in the land of the living. Believing with you and can’t wait to celebrate with you! Just love how the Lord has given you the name of your sweet son – cling to that promise my dear friend xoxo

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    • well i didn’t take it captive right the second the enemy put it in my head…it started out as one and I entertained it…which then brought on a whole party of negative thoughts :/ But in the past I would have cried until I fell asleep. I am getting better at recognizing when to say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!. hehe!

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  2. God has also promised me a son and I know the wait is hard. I like to remind myself that if God said it, that settles it!!! Hold on to His promise. It’s as good as done!
    Isaiah 55:11
    so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.

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  3. Whew! We’ve all been there! I so sorry last night was rough, but in a weird way, it is comforting to know I’m not the only one thinking about these things. Thanks for sharing and encouraging!

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    • I’m so thankful I am not where I used to be. A year ago I would have fallen asleep still crying, still feeling sad, and hiding under the covers the next day still thinking the same negative thoughts! Thank God for hope and faith 🙂

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  4. Sorry it has taken me so long to come find you! I’m sorry last night was so hard. As I was reading, the Lord reminded me of Matthew 4:1-11. When Jesus was tempted in the desert, He didn’t cooperate with Satan or get involved with the conversation – He responded to Satan’s jabs and comments only with Scripture. Talk about taking every thought captive! The Lord has really been working with me on refuting Satan’s little (or big) jabs and worries with scripture and not considering any other outcome than what God has already told me in His Word. What an incredible blessing for the promise of a Son and knowing his name! Reminds me of Sarah, Mary, Elizabeth… Praying for every thought or worry to be eclipsed by the amazing promise the Lord as already given you.

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    • you are right on!! I’m always telling people to respond with “It is written…” but for about 10 minutes last night I forgot…but I’m so thankful it was only about 10 minutes. It helps to always speak them out loud too. The Bible never once said to “think” but to speak. So I made sure I spoke the scriptures out loud last night…hubby was snoring anyway. LOL!

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    • thank you! I stayed away from the coffee tonight so that I don’t run the risk of just laying there and letting my mind wander around…or wonder around…it seems to do both when I am just waiting to fall asleep 🙂

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  5. Pingback: The Memory Jar | waiting for baby bird

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