Our love story is like that straight out of a sappy, lovey-dovey Hallmark movie, if I do say so myself. While living in Florida during my younger years, I met my future husband in the fifth grade and immediately thought he was dorky. He waved his hands to classical music after lunch, wore turtlenecks almost every day, and kept his hair swooped to the side. But by the sixth-grade, cupid hit me with his arrow, and his solid-colored turtlenecks and dorky personality made him the boy of my dreams. We never had the chance to become high school sweethearts because, after my eighth-grade year, my Dad and Mom moved my older brother and me to Illinois to be closer to family. However, despite the miles between us, we occasionally kept in touch by chatting on Yahoo Messenger (old school) or sending the occasional letter (seriously old school). As years passed, I always thought he was cute, I always thought he was sweet, and I always knew he would make an amazing husband to a fortunate lady; I just never thought that lucky lady would be me.
On August 17th, 2006, after only six short months of long-distance dating in college, my sixth-grade boyfriend and I said our “I do’s” on the beautiful sandy beaches of the U.S. Virgin Islands. Money was tight, but we made our first home in a cramped 475 square foot apartment. We were packed in like sardines, and there was little room to be adding babies, but my free six-month supply of birth control had run out, and I decided to take my chances. But instead of a pregnancy or even the scare of pregnancy, I received irregular menstrual cycles, 15 extra pounds, profuse sweating, excessive hair growth on my face (and well, all over), and crazy hormonal mood swings! Did I mention this all happened within three short months? I felt like a one-woman freak show at the circus! I realize, looking back, that I should have visited a doctor or at the very least Dr. Google, but I didn’t. And I told no one. Instead, I made every excuse–too many helpings of Hamburger Helper..too much stress…just getting older…yadda, yadda…
However, three years later, in the spring of 2010, while sitting on the couch, I watched an episode of Oprah featuring Dr. Oz. He discussed the symptoms of a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and as I sat there on the couch, I realized that I had every. single. one.
I realized at that point that I couldn’t shove my symptoms underneath the rug any longer, especially since the dream of having babies was now on my brain and birthed in my heart.
I remember the moment I sat in my OB/GYN’s office. I was scared. I remember my palms sweating and my voice shaking as I described to her my symptoms. She was so sweet and listened to every concern before ordering an ultrasound (which I later found out was not going to be jelly on the belly…awkward) and blood work to see if PCOS was indeed the culprit for my star performance at the circus. Unfortunately, the tests revealed that not only did I have PCOS, but it was severe. I will never forget sitting in her cozy office with the calmness of the dim lighting and beautiful decor all around me. And I will never forget going in out of a daze as I heard her count the number of cysts on each ovary…1…2…4….8…12…
I have never felt so alone as tears streamed down my face. And I never felt so hopeless as she put her hand over mine and talked about the genuine possibility that I may never conceive naturally. Or that there was the likelihood I might need to have my ovaries removed soon. I can still feel the heartache of that day like it was yesterday. I remember driving home from her office thinking about how I had always dreamed of having a family, and how that dream? Well, it might always be just that…a dream.
As I got home with red eyes and a puffy face, I threw the fertility specialist pamphlets she had kindly given me in a dresser drawer and decided I would give myself five months before pursuing that route. Hoping not to need the number on the beautifully printed pamphlet, I did everything I could to create a ‘mini-me’ on my own. I ate healthy, peed on expensive ovulation predication sticks, shoved pillows underneath my tush, and kicked my legs up after ‘whoopie.’ But as May, June, July, August, and September whizzed by, and all I had to show for it was a tear-soaked pillow, I decided it was time to call the number on the pamphlet I had secretly kept hidden in a drawer.
In October of 2011, after meeting with the doctor I was convinced would give me my miracle, my husband was also tested. I hated it for him. I was scared of what might be. Could we both have a problem? Could it not just be me, but also him? But according to the nurse, all was well as he had a “very strong army of soldiers.” I remember getting off the phone with her that afternoon, and while thinking I should be relieved and thankful everything with him looked great, I wasn’t. Instead, I found myself depressed as I realized all of the problems were a result of me. And all of the weight of those problems? They rested firmly on my shoulders. It was completely my fault as to why we couldn’t say “three” while waiting for a table at a restaurant. It was my fault as to why we still had empty bedrooms. It was my fault that he had no one to call him “Daddy.” It was my fault…
And so, what does anyone do when they have faults? They try to fix them, which is what I did in the form of fertility treatments. The ones that included thousands of dollars worth of daily shots, blood work several times a week and vaginal ultrasounds made me feel shameful and embarrassed. However, despite all of my valiant efforts, I was not pregnant after our first treatment cycle of using “timed intercourse,”; nor was I lucky on our second, and so forth. I had never been more frustrated because I thought the medicine I had been injecting each afternoon into my stomach had “fixed” the issue. Thousands of dollars had been wasted, and time was ticking louder than ever as my doctor suggested it was time for the big guns. It was time for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I wasn’t ready for the big guns. At least not yet. But while sitting at his consultation table, he was able to sell it to me like a well-used car salesperson. He had me convinced the only way I would conceive a child was through this expensive and emotionally costly procedure.
When I prayed, I would ask God to bless me with a child, but my confidence rested in the doctor’s ability, not God’s ability.
Within a couple of weeks of buying into his sales pitch, I found myself acting like a drug addict as I injected myself with five different shots a day to create as many mature follicles as possible; and May 3rd, 2012, my pain and suffering of infertility only increased as I went into surgery. I had 24 eggs removed, which is a great number! But because of the high number of eggs that matured, I developed the dreaded and all-fearing Ovarian Hyper-stimulation (OHSS). Let me say, it was awful! I literally gained over nine pounds of fluid in less than 48 hours. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t rollover. I couldn’t eat. And can we just be real for a sec? I couldn’t didn’t want to poop. Or pee. I.Was.Miserable.
As a result, the doctors put me on a liquid-only diet that consisted of nasty V8 juice, Gatorade, and chicken broth. The idea was to get as much sodium into my system to flush out the fluid leaking from my ovaries. It was the worst experience, and to this day, I cannot even look at a can of V8 juice or swallow even a tablespoon of Gatorade without gagging.
But on Thursday, May 17th, all of the pain and suffering was a distant memory as I sat in the parking lot of a local restaurant as a nurse told me over the phone, “Congratulations! You’re a Mom!”. I will never forget that moment. I will never forget the first tear that fell from my face and hit my legs. Or the second I instinctively rubbed my belly. I will also never forget her voice calling me “mom.” Or when I whispered to my Lil duckling(s) that I loved them more than they would ever know; promising that I would do everything and anything in my power to protect them as they journeyed through life?
And how could I forget dashing to Walmart, Hobby Lobby, and Micheals because the surprise pregnancy announcement I had pinned on Pinterest just months earlier was finally being executed? And the “Daddy Doody Kit” I thought was adorable? I now needed to make. I will never forget rushing from store to store. And then rushing home, watching my hands shake as I frantically put together his gift. I was so anxious and excited to surprise him with the news that I was finally expecting…we were finally going to be parents.
The moments leading up to him pulling in the driveway were some of the worst! The anticipation almost sent me into a hard attack, and the excitement I had almost given it away. But after a few deep breaths, I calmly met him in the front yard with an oven rack in my hand. He looked puzzled and asked what I broke. I giggled before telling him that I had been cleaning and unfortunately couldn’t get the rack back in the oven…(I know, cheesy! But it’s all I could think of…so let’s move on…) Feeling like superman, he took the rack from my hands, walked inside like a boss, opened the oven door…
Do you see that smile? Just look at those eyes! Goodness, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment. We hugged for what seemed like forever, and later that evening, we discussed nursery ideas. Before bed, we talked about due dates and names as we rubbed my belly and made bets on whether there were one or two. I can’t even type this story without tears streaming down my face because it truly was one of the happiest days of my life.
And a day I never want to forget.
But the day I do want to forget? The one I can’t seem to erase, no matter how hard I try? It’s the one that occurred days later. Because just three hours after having my second beta drawn, I received the phone call that would change my life forever. It would be the one that afterward would have me stuck in bed for days, rendered hopeless. Have you ever had one of those? The kind that you can still hear the ring in your head? You can still hear the voice on the other end? Or the exact place you were when you answered? I can.
We were crossing the Wabash Bridge when it rang, and I heard the nurse say, “I’m sorry, but your numbers have dropped.” I was looking over into the waters when I responded with, “Oh, they have…?” I don’t remember much else of our conversation. Still, I do remember that in my heartache, I came home, threw away the “Daddy Doody Kit,” tossed the positive pregnancy tests in the trash, quit talking about nursery ideas, and crawled into bed and wept. My spirit and soul were crushed as I was unable to keep my promise always to protect.
The following day I managed to get up, get dressed and go to church, but I cried all the way there, all the way through worship, and all the way home. While on the car ride home, I remember having my head turned and looking out of the window; I began praying, asking for direction. In all honesty, I call it praying, but it was more like spinning my wheels trying to plan how we could conceive again. For the sake of sounding holy, we will call it praying. Regardless, at that moment, I had a thought to stop treatments. I knew immediately it wasn’t of my own because that wasn’t something I was willing to do. Therefore, as fear gripped me, another thought came flooding in. It was this tender whisper to my heart that said I would have a son…and then the name Josiah popped into my head. Before anyone thinks I am crazy, I want you to know that I thought I was crazy too. Because during that time, I didn’t have a relationship with God like I do now. Sure, I was born and raised in church, but my quiet time was few and far between. I only did my Jesus Calling devotional if Good Morning America was boring; basically, I worked my devotional time around my schedule…not my schedule around my devotional time. So, who is God to speak to me? Who am I that I could hear His voice? And what kind of name was Josiah anyway? No offense to anyone who has a child by that name or a husband or uncle; it just wasn’t on my list of top 100 baby names…I had names picked out for my first kiddos…Josiah wasn’t it.
Therefore, I did want anyone who overuses the search engine Google would do (and if you have infertility, then you have probably overused it a time or two… insert smirk), and I immediately looked up the meaning of the name Josiah. I had decided that if it meant anything insignificant such as “keeper of the home” or “bigfoot,” then I would chalk up this whisper spoken to my heart as nothing more than my crazy-hormontional-self talking. But as I anxiously awaited, the results began appearing, and I learned the name Josiah means ‘Jehovah healed.’ Not keeper of the home. Or bigfoot.
Immediately, I began weeping because I realized at that moment that God didn’t just want to give me baby; He wanted more for me; His best. And His best-included healing. I believe His best for you also includes healing. No matter what you are going through or how bleak the present may seem, God wants to restore you. That is his heart. That is his nature. And it was on that Sunday afternoon I started to believe it. I had a fire of faith burning so deep within me it couldn’t be put out. I also had a hope that couldn’t be stolen. But how many of you know that anytime your hope is renewed, the enemy will always try to steal it. He doesn’t want you to get your hopes up because miracles follow hope! This happened to me. Just days after the whisper to my heart, another whisper came to my ear. This one came from my doctor informing me that our chances of conception, even with medical treatments, were not favorable. In fact, he said my eggs were the quality of an older woman and if by some 3% chance one of them did hop into a wheelchair and wheel itself down the fallopian tube, the odds are even less it would result in a viable pregnancy. (Those weren’t his exact words, but my interpretation.) Yet despite what he said it was, and what it seemed to be, I still held onto my hope. Because after he finished giving his stats and sympathy eyes, I stood up, shook His hand, thanked him for his time, then walked out of there like a boss. I knew I would bebop back in there within three short months, waving an ultrasound picture in the air.
But 3 months go by…6 months go by…12 months go by…and no ultrasound picture to bebop back into his office with. That’s when the “nevers” and the “cant’s” and the “wont’s” started to ease into my thoughts and ooze out of my vocabulary. I’m never going to be healed. I’m never going to ovulate. I’m never going to be a mother. Or, I can’t get pregnant. I won’t get pregnant. I can’t and I won’t…and I’ll never…And it’s normal. It’s human nature. Even great faith has weak moments. Because it’s easy to have hope against all hope in the beginning, but when the promise doesn’t come in the time frame you had envisioned…when your dreams are always shattered…your plans are constantly thwarted… it’s hard to keep hoping…it’s almost impossible to keep believing…and sometimes, you just need a little help to keep the faith.
My SOS flare went up in 2013 shortly after hearing the promise; still with an empty womb and my faith wavering, I cried out to God for something more. Something new. It was a Friday night, and while on my way to an all-women’s conference, I begged him for reassurance, but I didn’t want a scripture. I also told him that I didn’t want a song to come on the radio at just the right time. Those had worked in the past, but it wouldn’t work this time. Instead, I needed a burning bush, something obvious, and if it wasn’t too much to ask, a billboard sign that read: “Elisha! You will have a son, and you’re to name him Josiah!”
Long shot, right? I thought so too. But God knows what you need. He knows when your faith is gasping for air, and perhaps that is why you are here today. Your faith is gasping, and you need your own billboard sign. You need your own reason to hope again. I pray you find it. Because that night I found my fresh wind. It all began as I stood on the front row of the sanctuary. The message was over, and as I stood there waiting for our dismissal with the heaviness of disappointment in my heart, I held out my hands in “pretend worship.” I say pretend because, at that point in the evening, I just wanted to go home, put on my jammies and watch the rest of 20/20. I had hoped the speaker would have said something that would breathe life into my dying dreams, but she didn’t. And so there, while standing near the front row as others came forward for ministry time, it happened. A woman whom I had never met before came and put her hands on my stomach and began praying. Immediately my eyes flew open: “Who is touching me?!” But as she began praying, I closed my eyes and thought, “I’ll go with it.” But it was when she began to pray for God to fulfill my heart’s desire and take away my burdens that tears slowly began to fall. But as she was just getting started and speaking so forcibly, she stopped. My eyes flew open, and I almost said, “Don’t stop! You are doing good” when she looked at me and said with such confidence, “You will have a son!” Immediately her eyes grew the size of silver dollars as she covered her mouth before apologizing. She began to studder and explained that she didn’t know where those words came from, and if she misspoke, she was very sorry. She went on to say that she wasn’t even sure if I wanted children…but before she uttered another word, I fell to the ground and, “It’s okay. You were my burning bush.”
She didn’t know I was going through infertility. There was no blog; therefore, she didn’t know about the promise between God and me. Only my mom, husband, and cat knew about it.
It’s been 7 years since my burning bush moment, and 8 since the promise was first spoken, and there still hasn’t been an ultrasound picture. If anything, my hormones have gotten worse, and my ol’ lady eggs have gotten older. Most people in my situation would have given up by now. But despite what it is, and what it seems to be, I still have hope. And it’s because of Ol’ Ab from the book of Genesis. You see, there are seven couples in the bible who were unable to conceive, but by God’s grace, all 7 overcame. However, Ab’s story is my favorite.
Most people would assume it is because he promised a child, and I have a promise; therefore, we can relate. But that’s not it at all. With or without the promise, I would still be able to see the word ‘possible’ tucked away within the ‘impossible,’ and it’s because he taught me how. A person can’t help but read his story in Genesis and Romans and not see that he was a man who could look at the reality of a situation and say, “It is what it is, but it’s not what it seems.”
It is impossible, yet it’s not impossible.
It is too late, yet it’s not too late.
The conditions of my body aren’t perfect, yet they are.
But the question is how. I believe the answer lies in Romans 4:20; it says that he was strengthened in his faith during that 25-year-long waiting period by giving Glory to God. For years, I would read this and assume that Abraham walked around his old tent wearing his old clothes while singing the old hymn, “Glory, Glory Hallelujah…Glory, Glory Hallelujah!” And you know? He might have. But if you dig deeper into this scripture passage, you will find that the word Glory is translated to the Hebrew word KABOD, which means weight. Abraham gave weight to God. In his wait, he gave weight to God. This means he didn’t focus on his weakness or the difficulty of the situation. If he had, then he would have given up in despair. Instead, He focused on the faithfulness and power of God to change His circumstances.
Real talk? Many of us, including myself at times, have given too much weight to the wrong things. We’ve given too much weight to the facts. Too much weight to our past failures and disappointments.Too much weight to our feelings. And because we have, we have weighed ourselves down and lost our hope. And maybe that is you. If so, it’s time to shift your weight by shifting your focus; asking yourself, is the way I see it the way it really is?”
Because His body was as good as dead, but was it dead?
Your situation seems impossible, but is it impossible?
It appears it’s too late, but is it too late?
I want to make an important distinction because this isn’t about denying our reality and living in a state of delusion. According to scripture, Abraham never denied that his body was worthless; in fact, he did the opposite. Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that he often looked around at his situation and said, “it is what it is” … he might have even looked across the tent at his wife, Sarah, and said, “it was what it was” … But while Abraham faced the facts, he also kept the faith. In other words, he stood in the middle. He wasn’t delusional… yet he also didn’t fall into the pit of despair. Instead, he stood firmly in the gap…the gap between what it is and what it seems. Faith is what bridges that gap. It shows you the hope within a barren womb. The word possible inside every impossibility. The power of God in the face of a problem.
Whatever you are facing today, it’s not the end. I hope that as you read my stories within this tiny ol’ space of mine that you are filled with hope, inspiration, and even moments of laughter. Because it is here that I believe you will find not only the roses but also the thorns as I try to be transparent in sharing not just the happy and hopeful moments but also the ones filled with despair. I understand that not everyone’s journey towards parenthood will look the same, but this is my story of a tale of two love birds trusting in God while waiting for their baby bird.
UPDATE: Since the start of this blog, we have adopted a little girl through foster care. You can read all about our Tales of Fostering here.
I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!
If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it,” then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!
Tears reading this. That joy of a first pregnancy announcement is unparalleled. I also told my husband about our first pregnancy with a bun in the oven. After now miscarrying twice, I will never have that innocent excitement again.
Hoping you get your Josiah soon.
You are truly blessed because I would give anything to be able to give my husband our first pregnancy announcement. We have been trying for almost 8 years, but no announcement. Don’t give up!!! Remember, with God, all things are possible!!!
God is faithful! Please keep believing I waited 10 Years and The Lord blessed us with 3 kids! contact me if you would like to hear my testermony! Julia Sister in Christ
I would love to hear your testimony! My email is 10hopeingod@gmail.com
I will send you an email soon and please read this verse Exodus 23:25-26
Oh I know that verse by heart 😉
Please give your testimony on this site! I’ve been waiting for seven years.
With Christ Love,
Acts 2:38
I have been trying for almost 8 years, and I am almost 46 years old. I would love to hear your story!!!
I would love to hear your story Julia
I would also love to hear your story.
Julia, I would love to hear your story. How can we contact you.
Hi Julia I bust out crying as I got home because I have also been trying and nothing it’s been years to I am trusting God for my miricle. But everyone around me is pregnant and I just broke down. 😢
I will record it and send you by email 😊 It’s a long life story
Please also send me,i would also be encouraged to hear your story
I know it is totally God’s perfect timing that I found your blog. You speak the words my heart feels. Thank you for your honesty and your encouragement. We have been trying to get pregnant for about 3 years and this last year has been the hardest for me. I am now SLOWLY learning to ask God how He can change me in this situation and not just to change the situation! Knowing that other women feel the exact same way I do is such an encouragement because I have felt so alone and isolated. God gave me a word a few months ago (after I BEGGED for one!): Wait. Not a yes, not a no…but a “wait”. Ooooooh man. I was encouraged for like, uh, a day. Thanks for speaking God! But could I have something more specific please?! Then back to hopelessness. Your story has reminded me that When HE speaks He MEANS it! Praise God!! I will wait on His perfect, glorious, amazing will and hopefully, be changed.
Hey, girl! I am so thankful that my story has encouraged you today! Because it is so tough to wait, isn’t it! We live in a society that wants everything now…but that’s not how God works. I find comfort in knowing that He is good and His plans and purpose is perfect. Lots of hugs to you! You are not alone! I look forward to hearing from you again 🙂
I am so glad I found this page. I am finding it so hard to trust and wait for God to bless me with a baby. I know he is for me and he loves me but it is so hard. Every month it’s so heart breaking I cry on my husbands shoulder every time I get my period my emotions take over. I was 26 when the doctors told my husband the only way we would have child would be sperm donor or adoption. I have met ladies with the same story and now they have 5 kids. Another lady had 4 kids and the doctors told her husband it would be medically impossible to have children. Both women held onto the scripture exodus 23,25. I’m 29 now and I’m starting to panic every time some one on Facebook announces their news of a baby. I’ve just finished crying on my husband tonight and he says the same thing every time have faith in God be strong. I want to be strong but it’s so hard some times.
Your story is SO inspiring and gives me hope. We, like you, have recieved a promise from God that we will have a son and he is to be called Isaiah. We have been given words to expect him and that we will have a quiver full of children. I am amazed at God’s provision with a message from, like you, someone who doesn’t even know me at just the right time. I still struggle with what to do in the here and now. We have done 2 IUI cycles which have both failed and have been “trying” for 2 1/2 years now. The doctor wants us to do IVF as our next step, but we are hesitant. We don’t know if we should simply wait on the Lord or use the medicine he has provided. I wish I could just hear in an audible voice what our next step would be. I will be praying for you as we continue on this pregnancy journey! Someday we will both be mommas – so glad you haven’t lost heart. You definitely gave me some much needed encouragement today <3
Continuing to cheer you on friend! I can’t wait to see how the Lord finishes it all. He has such good in store for you. Thanks for sharing and joining the link up!
Your faith is so inspiring! We too are on a journey of waiting…We know God is writing our story and that He will give us a baby…even though sometimes doubt wants to cloud out every possible chance of sun, but I always hold onto the truth that if we keep shining those clouds will just make Beautiful rays for others to witness His power. I saw you have a foster daughter…. God led us into fostercare a year ago.. excited to follow your blog 🙂 check out my blog for our story..
I can definitely relate to crying all the way through church! Lovely that God spoke to you. <3
I am so sorry you can also relate, Jessica. Praying for you tonight.
I want you to know that you have such a beautiful heart and I am so blessed to have found your blog to help me during my own journey to finding my baby bird. So many of your posts hit home for me through my own journey. We have recently found hope with a NaPro Technology Dr and Surgeon. We are prayerfully hopeful that this is our answer. Again, I love your beautiful heart and honest posts 🙂
Praying this new doctor is what you need. A friend of mine began seeing one in st.louis and after starting a special supplement she was pregnant within a month. This same result is what I pray for you as well. Xoxo
Your story brings me right back to our 7 year infertility struggle. I feel your pain with my whole heart because I was there – we were right there, only a few short months ago. With a 0.5% chance of ever conceiving on our own – a true miracle occurred when we found out I was pregnant with our daughter in January 2015. Unlike two prior pregnancies that were lost, this little one managed the unthinkable and is now safely here in our arms. She is a balm for our heartache. Infertility has also given us many gifts – most importantly, gratitude. There isn’t a single moment of a day that goes by (challenging or not!) that I can’t stop and reflect on our gratitude to God for bringing us our daughter. I sincerely hope and pray that your miracle baby is coming to you soon!!
Your story is so amazing and strong. You give me so much faith in God’s promise. Thank you for being an instument of GoD and spreading his love and light to all.
Ahhh! Thank you so much for your sweet words of encouragment to me!
Ladies, I know it’s a difficult struggle to endure. My husband and I just celebrated our 13th anniversary, and have been trying for a baby for 12 years, with no success:(. I can’t even begin to explain the pain that brings, so I won’t even try. I chimed in to tell you that lately, a spirit of praise came over me to thank God in advance for my baby. After all, he is the same one who performed all of the miracles we see in the bible. They are not just stories for our entertainment; these are things tat have actually taken place with real people like us! What’s infertility to someone who can part the Red Sea, multiply food when there’s not enough, and raise the dead back to life? Nothing!!! He is God. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing, so let’s praise him in advance!!!!!!!
Best wishes to you all!
Love love love this! Gave me goosebumps! Thank you for sharing this awesome word of encouragement ❤
You are absolutely right, and I have recently come to the same conclusion! My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, but we haven’t given up hope! I know that God will bless all of us with our children, and we will all rejoice, to His glory!!!
I am thrilled that you are fostering and prays that you are her forever home.
Thank you so much 🙂 ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It just lifts my load a little when I realize there is someone else who is going through and feeling the same things I am! This is a lonely path to walk down but God keeps reminding me that He hasn’t forgotten about me and that He’s still working on it! When it does happen it will be more beautiful than we could have ever imagined! ❤
Yes! Amen! God is forever with us and He is always in the business of redeeming and restoring! Hang in there and keep your eyes on Him during this storm. Xo
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. My story though different from yours, is very much the same. I sobbed through different parts of your story where I could literally remember those moments in my own life so very much the same as you described them. The uncertainty, the excitement, the grasping to hold on to hope, the days where you feel like all hope is gone, and then the moment when it feels like God touches you and fills you with strength and hope to carry on. My 8 year journey of waiting is still in process. I am so thankful to God for all He has taught me and continues to teach me on this journey. Thank you for sharing the raw details of your journey. It has encouraged me to continue holding on to hope.
Oh- I love this. You pulled me in and made me cry, too. It’s hard but so worth it to do it God’s way. I’m still waiting too.
Awe! So glad to know that I am not alone! I am praying for you right now that your wait ends SOON! xoxo
Aw, thank you so much. I’ll add you to my prayers too! Would you mind if I emailed you about fostering?
SURE! I would love for you to! My email address is 10hopeingod@gmail.com
Thanks for sharing. Sometimes life may be so tricky! And we all must fide for our happiness. I started trying to get pregnant when I was 23. I didn’t get pregnant until I was 28. And that was with the help with IVF. We use such service in Ukrainian clinic. At first I was a bit scared to travel so far from home. But desire to have a little angel in my life forced me to act. Clinic gave me all the kind of services. Food, accommodation, transfers. I chose package with countless attempts to reached desirable result 100% sure. I paid ones fixed sum. And focus on mantras to become a mother. I got pregnant after second attempt. Daughter is my second sunshine. So my advice is don’t give up everything is possible.
I will be praying for you. May God bless you for your raw faith. When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, I would cry and cry every month I thought I had “the symptoms” and then the stick would show negative. There’s nothing more depressing than looking at that and realizing there’s nothing “special” inside you. I got so scared, I would stare at my bedroom ceiling asking God if this was it? Was it just going to be me and my husband for the rest of our lives, no one to pass on our quirky personalities or teach about life and God? Then, we found out my dad had incurable cancer, and had less than a year to live. (My mom also had cancer and died when I was 11) I was so frustrated with God. I told a couple friend that it just felt like God was playing some sick joke on me. Like, “Haven’t I been through enough
already God?” I had prayed my dad would at least see our last child (since he was already in his sixties), but then I prayed that Dad could see our FIRST child. But when I was talking to my friends, God had already blessed my womb with a tiny, tiny start of a baby. Two weeks later, we were debating about taking a pregnancy test. I didn’t want to be let down again. My period was 6 days late, and my only “symptom” was nausea, nothing else. My husband dipped the stick as I waited in another room. He came in and said, “Babe, there’s something wrong with this test.”
“What?” I asked
“There’s two dark lines on it.”
I shreaked! I couldn’t believe it! God did have a plan after all!
Since then, I’ve probably been complaining more than anything about the symptoms and mood swings that go with pregnancy. But writing my story on here, and reading yours, reminds me of all I have been bestowed and blessed to have inside me. My Dad still has cancer, and his prognosis hasn’t changed, and that makes it a little harder to get excited about the nursery decorating or maternity clothes. Extreme joy and extreme sorrow. So pray for me that I would never take this baby for granted. That I could see her/him as a flower among the thorns. And pray for my family as we go through this time with Dad. And pray that I would thank God every day for the good he has brought to our house. I don’t think you’re foolish in your prayers for Josiah. He will come to you! Maybe in a way you didn’t plan, but he will come if God said so. “By faith, Moses…”
Keep being vulnerable. It is so refreshing.
Your faith is truly Inspiring. The journey to conceive has been the most difficult thing I have ever went through. My husband and I have been trying for 38 months now, with no luck. We have one more cycle before the doctor wants us to stop for 6 months. I just knew this would be the month and I would be able to tell my husband with a present wrapped under the tree, but once again all I had was a negative pregnancy test. But like you I put my faith in God he is bigger than all of these things and without faith I don’t think I could get up each day and keep moving. God is in control and I pray that he blesses all of us struggling with a child and if not he is still good!
Hello! In the last few weeks I have came across your Facebook page, but to be honest, was reluctant to read because of what I might find. Many words, that I have read or that have been spoken to me have ended with the person’s journey to adoption. That is fine, but discouraging, for that is not the direction my Husband and I have been led to go from the Lord. Today I took a leap of faith and read your story. Girl! As I read and you describe your emotion, it’s like I’m reading my story and my emotions. When my Husband and I began our faith walk 7 years ago, I wasn’t able to find encouraging testimonies. Since then I’ve found a few and your’s is differently one I’ll hold on to and continue to follow. It’s been so encouraging to read someone else’s story where they are waiting on the Lord. It’s hard to find encouragement for this kind of faith walk and I appreciate you opening yourself up and being transparent. I don’t think it a coincidence that I have come across your page. I will be praying for you and the many others I have seen on your page. Thank you.
Whew, girl! I am so glad you took that plunge and read my story! While I LOVE adoption, I also do not feel called to pursue it 🙂 I do have a foster princess but it wasn’t because I was a foster parent or seeking to foster; it kind of just landed in my lap. That’s a long story for another day. hehe! I am here if you ever need to talk! xo
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I found your blog earlier today.
My husband and I have a similar story.
I had been on birth control for 10 years, since I was about 15 to treat irregular cycles. I had no idea then that it could mean trouble when I did want to have children.
After about a year of marriage I went to my OB/GYN and explained that I had stopped the pill because we would like to have a child, but told the doctor my cycles had always been irregular and I hadn’t had one in several months.
So almost a year after that of tests, blood work, ultrasounds, more birth control pills, I started Metformin and Clomid to treat my PCOS.
I have been on treatments for 3 months with no response. It has been very disappointing.
In church yesterday we were learning about God’s plan for your family. And before you decide to make your own plan by marrying someone, moving away, having a baby, etc. you need to consult God. And BOOM just like that God told me to stop fertility treatment. Without an explanation of His plan, or why or when. I feel it in my heart that this is a true message from God, but in my head I want to deny it. I want to continue treatment, but am scared there will be consequences for not obeying.
So here I am today,wondering if anyone else has gotten this message from Him?
Thank you, I feel empowered by reading your story there are other women experiencing the same thing thing as me, that have decided to obey God.
Wow! I totally think God led you to my blog for a reason. I will personally say that your mind will try to play tricks on you but you go with what you believe God said. He is faithful to His word. I often pray to Him if there is any change but so far there hasn’t been. So sugars, keep praying. Because it just might be for a season that He wants you to stop. I am always here for you! xo
I absolutely LOVE that god puts people in our paths right when we need them. We had twins naturally 11 years ago and have fought the last few years with secondary infertility. I am tired and feel like am on a out of control roller coaster. I have questioned God so many times and screamed asking why. I have been ready to throw in the towel , felt so alone and then someone shared your post on FB , it was like a breath of fresh air.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your “it is what it is” post might as well have been me that wrote it. You were able to form the words that I just can’t seem to say.
I have only told 2 other people this but one church service in the fall of 2015 I was talking to God frustrated that our 10th insemination had not worked. I was broken and felt like He didnt hear me. At that very moment in my pastor’s sermon he was speaking and said the words “this time next year you will have a son”. It brought me out of the conversation I was having in my head with God. I instantly asked if that was for me and the pastor repeated the phrase. I thought I was crazy. There’s no way God spoke to me but I just knew He was. That gave me so much hope and excitement to see how He would play it out. Then month after month after month there was nothing but disappointment. This last fall came and went but the only pregnancy announcement was from my sister in law. I love her dearly and am excited to welcome my nephew into the world but at the same time I keep thinking it was supposed to be me.
I’m thankful I came across your blog at just the time I needed to know I’m not alone. I’m praying for blessings for you and your hubby.
Thankyou for sharing your story. It pains me beyond words to read this, and I’m praying for God to bless you with your baby Josiah soon. Your faith in God, and reading your blog posts, is encouraging to my heart, as I’m processing my 3 miscarriages and no living children yet. Thankyou for blogging and sharing hope.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! I give God all the glory that it has encouraged you today. Please know that I have stopped to pray for you. I am praying for HEALTH over your entire body and I am commanding the enemy to flee in the name of Jesus. I pray for the next child to enter into your womb be made whole and develop perfectly with ZERO abnormalities. I declare in the name of Jesus that what was sent by the enemy to break you will MAKE you into a mighty warrior for God and mighty MOTHER in your household. xoxo
Thankyou, Elisha! *hug*
We also have been going through infertility for about the same amount of time ❤ we were married in June of 2006 and started trying right away. The process is really like nothing else. Our stories are incredibly similar. It feels like death, every month. With no closure, no casket, no meals brought in. I go in swells of doing really well, and lows of not. New and interesting things test my heart. I too believe that God is the only way through and to reach out to others. I wish there were more support groups. I'm trying to finish school for an LMFT for just that, to create a place for couples to heal and find love, and comfort with others struggling through the same thing. May God bless you in your journey!
My story http://www.embracingtheroadlesstraveled.blogspot.com
Sometimes life may be so tricky. And we all must fide for our happiness. I started trying to get pregnant when I was 23. I didn’t get pregnant until I was 28. And that was with the help with IVF. We use such service in Ukrainian clinic. At first I was a bit scared to travel so far from home. But desire to have a little angel in my life forced me to act. Clinic gave me all the kind of services. Food, accommodation, transfers. I chose package with countless attempts to reached desirable result 100% sure. I paid ones fixed sum. And focus on mantras to become a mother. I got pregnant after second attempt. Daughter is my second sunshine. So my advice is don’t give up everything is possible.
This post has touched my life different that ANYTHING I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. I stumbled on this website searching for infertility hope chests, but this has truly made my week!
I was praying almost two weeks ago about my infertility troubles. You know, one of those ugly cries. I was asking God why not me, why not now? My husband and I have been trying for 4 years, and we are said to have as of right now unexplained infertility. Anyways, I asked Him to show me my purpose for this season in my life if it wasn’t to be a mom. It wasn’t but 5 minutes after I did all my praying I got on Facebook and read what you had just written on your “waiting for baby bird” page.
“While praying today God reminded me of something and He asked that I share it with you. I feel as though it could be a game changer for someone today. He said that just like the sun rises and sets, as well as the oceans tides of coming and going are all synchronized and scheduled in perfect order, so are our lives. We think He is ignoring our pleas, or worse, being haphazard, but sweet sister, He wants you to know today that His hand is upon your life and the blessings you have been pleading for are perfectly timed out and synchronized as well. He hasn’t forgotten you. Not in the least bit.”
I do believe God spoke to me through you. I have prayed for you and will continue to pray for you. Thank you for what you do because your posts are nothing short of inspiration and hope. I am glad I have your posts to help me through this season of my life!
After my father`s death there I had a depression. I was pregnant at that time. Such condition resulted in miscarriage of twins. It triggered internal bleeding. Doctors managed to save my life. Unfortunately, that operation resulted in the loss of fertility. We tried for a year to conceive, but senselessly. Finally we decided on IVF. We live in Poland, so we searched a clinic nearby. We chose one clinic in Ukraine, which is so popular among infertile couples now. In addition, this Ukrainian center was quite close to Krakow, there we live. There work wonderful people. They are very responsible and attentive to everybody. Quite fast, they found a donor for me. We hadn`t wait like in other countries for several years. I got pregnant from the second attempt, as my organism is young. This time pregnancy was good, I gave birth to a healthy girl. Don`t be afraid of IVF. It can change your life.
Thank you so, so much for sharing your story. I am not afraid of IVF…its just not the path for me to go down again at this time. 🙂
Elisha- I believe God is using you to help thousands of women before your blessing arrives. To not only have someone to relate to, but to bring all of us closer to Him. I have found comfort in your posts, both on your blog and on Facebook. It has helped me through my almost 3 year journey to pray, have faith, and get closer to God. I cannot thank you enough for just that. Our purpose is not always clear, but eventually, it comes to light. Thank you. Your are a blessing to us all.
Hi,
I’m glad I found this page. I have PCOS and struggling to conceive. I believe in Jesus, and I know he is watching over us. Stay strong, stay happy. You will get your Josiah very soon. Miracles happen everyday and unexpected.
Hugs,
Thank you so, so much for your sweet and encouraging words!
I just found your story. I sold my practice and went back to school to research and begin a startup focusing on women’s reproductive health monitoring in the 21st Century . I am currently doing the video series on James by Francis Chan and living your faith. Thank-you for sharing Your very real story.
I have a very similar story. Back in 2019 I put together a women’s retreat called Chasing Fireflies. Below is the story I shared with the women who attended. God is good all the time…sometimes we just forget.
“There was a time when I was going to write a book. I would get frustrated reading these inspirational books about how God fixed everything for someone else. These books were always written at the end of these women’s stories. I was not at the end of my story, I was at the beginning or stuck in the middle. So reading about other’s miracles made me, well honestly I think the correct word would be jealous. My book was going to be from someone who was still searching for their happy ending. The reason you don’t see my book on the shelves you ask?…Someone else wrote it and much better than I would have let me tell you. That book is called “It’s not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. If you are struggling I highly recommend it. Anyways, I bring this up because in this book Lysa refers to the place she is at as the “messy middle.” That is where I am coming to you today from, the messy middle. I haven’t reached the end; I am still trudging along trying to trust God knows what He is doing.
Four years ago my older sister announced that she was expecting her third child. My husband and I began to think about the possibilities of our own children. We had been married a few years and decided we were ready to grow our little family from two to three. We started to plan for this, we discussed baby decor, costs of raising a baby and of course we spent evenings arguing over baby names. Some of you understand that excitement, I always say it’s that so excited you might throw up feeling. Unfortunately, no throwing up happened.
I think that everyone thinks that once they decide to have a child it will happen, just like that. I did. I was wrong. That first year I spent my time taking negative pregnancy tests and then googling symptoms trying to convince myself that I really was pregnant, the test was just faulty. Your conviction really starts to falter after the third or fourth negative.
In our excitement we had started to buy baby items, you know a onsie here, a stroller there, because we were being fiscally smart, it WOULD happen we would need these things. This is the year we bought our house as well. We moved in January, it was freezing cold, my parents helped us, so we snuck our baby items in the night before so we wouldn’t ruin the surprise. I was convinced that God was waiting for us to make that move before he gave us a child. He was not.
As our first childless year ended we both made doctor’s appointments. There were no concrete answers, but the doctor’s word’s still echo in my heart “highly unlikely” she said. I think I shut down. I don’t remember a lot, I hurt, but if we didn’t talk about it I could pretend that I was okay. The thing is we had to tell our parents there were going to be no grandkids in their future. I made it through his parent’s pretty well; I think I zoned out for most of it. We had my parents and sisters in for supper to tell them, it was the Saturday before Easter 2016. I started to tell them, but all of the sudden I couldn’t get the words out, I couldn’t breathe, I could not hold the tears in, I was choking on sobs trying to finish my sentence, it came out jumbled and incoherent. My family looked at me in horror while my husband tried to rescue me with real words and my four month old niece giggled contently on the floor.
That was my breaking point. That was the moment I couldn’t pretend I was okay anymore. Saying the words out loud made them real and I couldn’t take them back and I couldn’t make them untrue. I don’t remember a lot after that, my family has always been supportive and kind and I am sure they all had some great words of encouragement…I do not remember any of them.
My first breaking point was on Saturday, my first God moment was on Sunday. I went to church the next day, I was barely holding myself together. I was hoping I could control my tears for the whole hour; I really didn’t want to have to explain myself to my church family. I just wasn’t ready to share my grief. I sat in MY pew, I went through the motion, the scent of easter lilies heavy around me. It’s crazy that is what I remember the most, the smell, it was overpowering almost. I do not remember any of the sermon, I know I was not paying attention. I was staring straight ahead, not at the pulpit, no eye contact was my goal. I just sat there praying over and over “God, you have to help me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t not have kids, please you have to help me.” The whole sermon this prayer was in a loop in my heart and then all of a sudden I heard a voice and it said “Relax, you will hold your daughter in your arms,” and just like that I could breathe again. It was like a weight had been lifted off my heart and I was free to live again.
You may have noticed, I do not have a daughter. That is true, I have spent the last three years trying to decide if I was crazy in grief and made up the voice I heard…it is possible. But I don’t really believe that.
In the three years since then, I have started an infertility support group (the first round not so successful). I have thrown myself into the bible stories dealing with infertility, Sarah, Hannah, Rachel, Elizabeth. I also have had this fascination with the light. I have been studying scripture and making T-shirts with 2nd Corinthians 4:6 “Let light shine out of darkness” plastered all over them. I have been clinging to references to the light. I even toyed with the idea of a tattoo to remind me of the light. My infatuation with the light is why you are sitting here today.
However, I am not going to lie to you. I have had struggles and hurts and anger. I have cried in more than one fast food restaurant, I have doubted my sanity and God’s goodness. That peace He gave me Easter Sunday keeps me above water though and He keeps sending me reminders of His promises. More than there is time to share with you today.
The thing is, He also keeps building on that original promise. About a year ago my husband asked me, “Did you think God told you, you were going to have a boy or a girl?” I said “A girl, Why?”. He said to me “That is what I thought, I don’t usually dream, but I keep having dreams about this little girl.” The moral of this story is that: If I am crazy, my husband is too and you are going to have to lock us in a padded cell together.
I find as I start to lose faith in His promises, He keeps coming back to me. I feel like if He were standing in front of me today He would be shaking me by the shoulders saying “You of little faith, why do you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). The thing with infertility at least with me and my infertility is I have never really given up hope. I still think about what it will be like when I have children, I still file away baby names even though I have had a boy and girl name picked out for probably about the last three years. Back in November one of those baby names caught my attention and for some reason I decided to look up the meaning of this name. I have no idea why I would do that, but that is what I did. Then because I had never done it before I looked up my long term names, you know the ones I am pretty sure I will use if I ever get my miracle baby. I already had an idea of what my boy name meant so there weren’t really any surprises there…but, my girl name, that was a different story. The little girl name I have been holding onto for the last three years roughly translates to “Light unto me,” “I have light” or my favorite “My Light.” It means this not in german, or italian, or spanish, or french, my baby name means “My Light” in Hebrew. I feel like this is God’s version of a mic drop.
I know this story would be a lot more powerful if I could whisper in your ears that I am expecting or if I had adopted a little girl who already possessed that light based baby name. I wish I could tell you that, but I cannot it wouldn’t be true. I said at the very beginning I am in the messy middle. I pray that I am not crazy and that one day I will not see light in a rejected firefly tattoo, but reflecting back at me in the eyes of my daughter. I do not know God’s timing, so I must wait, but don’t worry I am in good company.”