Our love story is like that straight out of a sappy, lovey-dovey Hallmark movie, if I do say so myself. While living in Florida during my younger years, I met my future husband in the fifth grade and immediately thought he was dorky. He waved his hands to classical music after lunch, wore turtlenecks almost every day, and kept his hair swooped to the side. But by the sixth-grade, cupid hit me with his arrow, and his solid-colored turtlenecks and dorky personality made him the boy of my dreams. We never had the chance to become high school sweethearts because, after my eighth-grade year, my Dad and Mom moved my older brother and me to Illinois to be closer to family. However, despite the miles between us, we occasionally kept in touch by chatting on Yahoo Messenger (old school) or sending the occasional letter (seriously old school). As years passed, I always thought he was cute, I always thought he was sweet, and I always knew he would make an amazing husband to a fortunate lady; I just never thought that lucky lady would be me.
On August 17th, 2006, after only six short months of long-distance dating in college, my sixth-grade boyfriend and I said our “I do’s” on the beautiful sandy beaches of the U.S. Virgin Islands. Money was tight, but we made our first home in a cramped 475 square foot apartment. We were packed in like sardines, and there was little room to be adding babies, but my free six-month supply of birth control had run out, and I decided to take my chances. But instead of a pregnancy or even the scare of pregnancy, I received irregular menstrual cycles, 15 extra pounds, profuse sweating, excessive hair growth on my face (and well, all over), and crazy hormonal mood swings! Did I mention this all happened within three short months? I felt like a one-woman freak show at the circus! I realize, looking back, that I should have visited a doctor or at the very least Dr. Google, but I didn’t. And I told no one. Instead, I made every excuse–too many helpings of Hamburger Helper..too much stress…just getting older…yadda, yadda…
However, three years later, in the spring of 2010, while sitting on the couch, I watched an episode of Oprah featuring Dr. Oz. He discussed the symptoms of a disease called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and as I sat there on the couch, I realized that I had every. single. one.
I realized at that point that I couldn’t shove my symptoms underneath the rug any longer, especially since the dream of having babies was now on my brain and birthed in my heart.
I remember the moment I sat in my OB/GYN’s office. I was scared. I remember my palms sweating and my voice shaking as I described to her my symptoms. She was so sweet and listened to every concern before ordering an ultrasound (which I later found out was not going to be jelly on the belly…awkward) and blood work to see if PCOS was indeed the culprit for my star performance at the circus. Unfortunately, the tests revealed that not only did I have PCOS, but it was severe. I will never forget sitting in her cozy office with the calmness of the dim lighting and beautiful decor all around me. And I will never forget going in out of a daze as I heard her count the number of cysts on each ovary…1…2…4….8…12…
I have never felt so alone as tears streamed down my face. And I never felt so hopeless as she put her hand over mine and talked about the genuine possibility that I may never conceive naturally. Or that there was the likelihood I might need to have my ovaries removed soon. I can still feel the heartache of that day like it was yesterday. I remember driving home from her office thinking about how I had always dreamed of having a family, and how that dream? Well, it might always be just that…a dream.
As I got home with red eyes and a puffy face, I threw the fertility specialist pamphlets she had kindly given me in a dresser drawer and decided I would give myself five months before pursuing that route. Hoping not to need the number on the beautifully printed pamphlet, I did everything I could to create a ‘mini-me’ on my own. I ate healthy, peed on expensive ovulation predication sticks, shoved pillows underneath my tush, and kicked my legs up after ‘whoopie.’ But as May, June, July, August, and September whizzed by, and all I had to show for it was a tear-soaked pillow, I decided it was time to call the number on the pamphlet I had secretly kept hidden in a drawer.
In October of 2011, after meeting with the doctor I was convinced would give me my miracle, my husband was also tested. I hated it for him. I was scared of what might be. Could we both have a problem? Could it not just be me, but also him? But according to the nurse, all was well as he had a “very strong army of soldiers.” I remember getting off the phone with her that afternoon, and while thinking I should be relieved and thankful everything with him looked great, I wasn’t. Instead, I found myself depressed as I realized all of the problems were a result of me. And all of the weight of those problems? They rested firmly on my shoulders. It was completely my fault as to why we couldn’t say “three” while waiting for a table at a restaurant. It was my fault as to why we still had empty bedrooms. It was my fault that he had no one to call him “Daddy.” It was my fault…
And so, what does anyone do when they have faults? They try to fix them, which is what I did in the form of fertility treatments. The ones that included thousands of dollars worth of daily shots, blood work several times a week and vaginal ultrasounds made me feel shameful and embarrassed. However, despite all of my valiant efforts, I was not pregnant after our first treatment cycle of using “timed intercourse,”; nor was I lucky on our second, and so forth. I had never been more frustrated because I thought the medicine I had been injecting each afternoon into my stomach had “fixed” the issue. Thousands of dollars had been wasted, and time was ticking louder than ever as my doctor suggested it was time for the big guns. It was time for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I wasn’t ready for the big guns. At least not yet. But while sitting at his consultation table, he was able to sell it to me like a well-used car salesperson. He had me convinced the only way I would conceive a child was through this expensive and emotionally costly procedure.
When I prayed, I would ask God to bless me with a child, but my confidence rested in the doctor’s ability, not God’s ability.
Within a couple of weeks of buying into his sales pitch, I found myself acting like a drug addict as I injected myself with five different shots a day to create as many mature follicles as possible; and May 3rd, 2012, my pain and suffering of infertility only increased as I went into surgery. I had 24 eggs removed, which is a great number! But because of the high number of eggs that matured, I developed the dreaded and all-fearing Ovarian Hyper-stimulation (OHSS). Let me say, it was awful! I literally gained over nine pounds of fluid in less than 48 hours. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t rollover. I couldn’t eat. And can we just be real for a sec? I couldn’t didn’t want to poop. Or pee. I.Was.Miserable.
As a result, the doctors put me on a liquid-only diet that consisted of nasty V8 juice, Gatorade, and chicken broth. The idea was to get as much sodium into my system to flush out the fluid leaking from my ovaries. It was the worst experience, and to this day, I cannot even look at a can of V8 juice or swallow even a tablespoon of Gatorade without gagging.
But on Thursday, May 17th, all of the pain and suffering was a distant memory as I sat in the parking lot of a local restaurant as a nurse told me over the phone, “Congratulations! You’re a Mom!”. I will never forget that moment. I will never forget the first tear that fell from my face and hit my legs. Or the second I instinctively rubbed my belly. I will also never forget her voice calling me “mom.” Or when I whispered to my Lil duckling(s) that I loved them more than they would ever know; promising that I would do everything and anything in my power to protect them as they journeyed through life?
And how could I forget dashing to Walmart, Hobby Lobby, and Micheals because the surprise pregnancy announcement I had pinned on Pinterest just months earlier was finally being executed? And the “Daddy Doody Kit” I thought was adorable? I now needed to make. I will never forget rushing from store to store. And then rushing home, watching my hands shake as I frantically put together his gift. I was so anxious and excited to surprise him with the news that I was finally expecting…we were finally going to be parents.
The moments leading up to him pulling in the driveway were some of the worst! The anticipation almost sent me into a hard attack, and the excitement I had almost given it away. But after a few deep breaths, I calmly met him in the front yard with an oven rack in my hand. He looked puzzled and asked what I broke. I giggled before telling him that I had been cleaning and unfortunately couldn’t get the rack back in the oven…(I know, cheesy! But it’s all I could think of…so let’s move on…) Feeling like superman, he took the rack from my hands, walked inside like a boss, opened the oven door…
Do you see that smile? Just look at those eyes! Goodness, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment. We hugged for what seemed like forever, and later that evening, we discussed nursery ideas. Before bed, we talked about due dates and names as we rubbed my belly and made bets on whether there were one or two. I can’t even type this story without tears streaming down my face because it truly was one of the happiest days of my life.
And a day I never want to forget.
But the day I do want to forget? The one I can’t seem to erase, no matter how hard I try? It’s the one that occurred days later. Because just three hours after having my second beta drawn, I received the phone call that would change my life forever. It would be the one that afterward would have me stuck in bed for days, rendered hopeless. Have you ever had one of those? The kind that you can still hear the ring in your head? You can still hear the voice on the other end? Or the exact place you were when you answered? I can.
We were crossing the Wabash Bridge when it rang, and I heard the nurse say, “I’m sorry, but your numbers have dropped.” I was looking over into the waters when I responded with, “Oh, they have…?” I don’t remember much else of our conversation. Still, I do remember that in my heartache, I came home, threw away the “Daddy Doody Kit,” tossed the positive pregnancy tests in the trash, quit talking about nursery ideas, and crawled into bed and wept. My spirit and soul were crushed as I was unable to keep my promise always to protect.
The following day I managed to get up, get dressed and go to church, but I cried all the way there, all the way through worship, and all the way home. While on the car ride home, I remember having my head turned and looking out of the window; I began praying, asking for direction. In all honesty, I call it praying, but it was more like spinning my wheels trying to plan how we could conceive again. For the sake of sounding holy, we will call it praying. Regardless, at that moment, I had a thought to stop treatments. I knew immediately it wasn’t of my own because that wasn’t something I was willing to do. Therefore, as fear gripped me, another thought came flooding in. It was this tender whisper to my heart that said I would have a son…and then the name Josiah popped into my head. Before anyone thinks I am crazy, I want you to know that I thought I was crazy too. Because during that time, I didn’t have a relationship with God like I do now. Sure, I was born and raised in church, but my quiet time was few and far between. I only did my Jesus Calling devotional if Good Morning America was boring; basically, I worked my devotional time around my schedule…not my schedule around my devotional time. So, who is God to speak to me? Who am I that I could hear His voice? And what kind of name was Josiah anyway? No offense to anyone who has a child by that name or a husband or uncle; it just wasn’t on my list of top 100 baby names…I had names picked out for my first kiddos…Josiah wasn’t it.
Therefore, I did want anyone who overuses the search engine Google would do (and if you have infertility, then you have probably overused it a time or two… insert smirk), and I immediately looked up the meaning of the name Josiah. I had decided that if it meant anything insignificant such as “keeper of the home” or “bigfoot,” then I would chalk up this whisper spoken to my heart as nothing more than my crazy-hormontional-self talking. But as I anxiously awaited, the results began appearing, and I learned the name Josiah means ‘Jehovah healed.’ Not keeper of the home. Or bigfoot.
Immediately, I began weeping because I realized at that moment that God didn’t just want to give me baby; He wanted more for me; His best. And His best-included healing. I believe His best for you also includes healing. No matter what you are going through or how bleak the present may seem, God wants to restore you. That is his heart. That is his nature. And it was on that Sunday afternoon I started to believe it. I had a fire of faith burning so deep within me it couldn’t be put out. I also had a hope that couldn’t be stolen. But how many of you know that anytime your hope is renewed, the enemy will always try to steal it. He doesn’t want you to get your hopes up because miracles follow hope! This happened to me. Just days after the whisper to my heart, another whisper came to my ear. This one came from my doctor informing me that our chances of conception, even with medical treatments, were not favorable. In fact, he said my eggs were the quality of an older woman and if by some 3% chance one of them did hop into a wheelchair and wheel itself down the fallopian tube, the odds are even less it would result in a viable pregnancy. (Those weren’t his exact words, but my interpretation.) Yet despite what he said it was, and what it seemed to be, I still held onto my hope. Because after he finished giving his stats and sympathy eyes, I stood up, shook His hand, thanked him for his time, then walked out of there like a boss. I knew I would bebop back in there within three short months, waving an ultrasound picture in the air.
But 3 months go by…6 months go by…12 months go by…and no ultrasound picture to bebop back into his office with. That’s when the “nevers” and the “cant’s” and the “wont’s” started to ease into my thoughts and ooze out of my vocabulary. I’m never going to be healed. I’m never going to ovulate. I’m never going to be a mother. Or, I can’t get pregnant. I won’t get pregnant. I can’t and I won’t…and I’ll never…And it’s normal. It’s human nature. Even great faith has weak moments. Because it’s easy to have hope against all hope in the beginning, but when the promise doesn’t come in the time frame you had envisioned…when your dreams are always shattered…your plans are constantly thwarted… it’s hard to keep hoping…it’s almost impossible to keep believing…and sometimes, you just need a little help to keep the faith.
My SOS flare went up in 2013 shortly after hearing the promise; still with an empty womb and my faith wavering, I cried out to God for something more. Something new. It was a Friday night, and while on my way to an all-women’s conference, I begged him for reassurance, but I didn’t want a scripture. I also told him that I didn’t want a song to come on the radio at just the right time. Those had worked in the past, but it wouldn’t work this time. Instead, I needed a burning bush, something obvious, and if it wasn’t too much to ask, a billboard sign that read: “Elisha! You will have a son, and you’re to name him Josiah!”
Long shot, right? I thought so too. But God knows what you need. He knows when your faith is gasping for air, and perhaps that is why you are here today. Your faith is gasping, and you need your own billboard sign. You need your own reason to hope again. I pray you find it. Because that night I found my fresh wind. It all began as I stood on the front row of the sanctuary. The message was over, and as I stood there waiting for our dismissal with the heaviness of disappointment in my heart, I held out my hands in “pretend worship.” I say pretend because, at that point in the evening, I just wanted to go home, put on my jammies and watch the rest of 20/20. I had hoped the speaker would have said something that would breathe life into my dying dreams, but she didn’t. And so there, while standing near the front row as others came forward for ministry time, it happened. A woman whom I had never met before came and put her hands on my stomach and began praying. Immediately my eyes flew open: “Who is touching me?!” But as she began praying, I closed my eyes and thought, “I’ll go with it.” But it was when she began to pray for God to fulfill my heart’s desire and take away my burdens that tears slowly began to fall. But as she was just getting started and speaking so forcibly, she stopped. My eyes flew open, and I almost said, “Don’t stop! You are doing good” when she looked at me and said with such confidence, “You will have a son!” Immediately her eyes grew the size of silver dollars as she covered her mouth before apologizing. She began to studder and explained that she didn’t know where those words came from, and if she misspoke, she was very sorry. She went on to say that she wasn’t even sure if I wanted children…but before she uttered another word, I fell to the ground and, “It’s okay. You were my burning bush.”
She didn’t know I was going through infertility. There was no blog; therefore, she didn’t know about the promise between God and me. Only my mom, husband, and cat knew about it.
It’s been 7 years since my burning bush moment, and 8 since the promise was first spoken, and there still hasn’t been an ultrasound picture. If anything, my hormones have gotten worse, and my ol’ lady eggs have gotten older. Most people in my situation would have given up by now. But despite what it is, and what it seems to be, I still have hope. And it’s because of Ol’ Ab from the book of Genesis. You see, there are seven couples in the bible who were unable to conceive, but by God’s grace, all 7 overcame. However, Ab’s story is my favorite.
Most people would assume it is because he promised a child, and I have a promise; therefore, we can relate. But that’s not it at all. With or without the promise, I would still be able to see the word ‘possible’ tucked away within the ‘impossible,’ and it’s because he taught me how. A person can’t help but read his story in Genesis and Romans and not see that he was a man who could look at the reality of a situation and say, “It is what it is, but it’s not what it seems.”
It is impossible, yet it’s not impossible.
It is too late, yet it’s not too late.
The conditions of my body aren’t perfect, yet they are.
But the question is how. I believe the answer lies in Romans 4:20; it says that he was strengthened in his faith during that 25-year-long waiting period by giving Glory to God. For years, I would read this and assume that Abraham walked around his old tent wearing his old clothes while singing the old hymn, “Glory, Glory Hallelujah…Glory, Glory Hallelujah!” And you know? He might have. But if you dig deeper into this scripture passage, you will find that the word Glory is translated to the Hebrew word KABOD, which means weight. Abraham gave weight to God. In his wait, he gave weight to God. This means he didn’t focus on his weakness or the difficulty of the situation. If he had, then he would have given up in despair. Instead, He focused on the faithfulness and power of God to change His circumstances.
Real talk? Many of us, including myself at times, have given too much weight to the wrong things. We’ve given too much weight to the facts. Too much weight to our past failures and disappointments.Too much weight to our feelings. And because we have, we have weighed ourselves down and lost our hope. And maybe that is you. If so, it’s time to shift your weight by shifting your focus; asking yourself, is the way I see it the way it really is?”
Because His body was as good as dead, but was it dead?
Your situation seems impossible, but is it impossible?
It appears it’s too late, but is it too late?
I want to make an important distinction because this isn’t about denying our reality and living in a state of delusion. According to scripture, Abraham never denied that his body was worthless; in fact, he did the opposite. Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that he often looked around at his situation and said, “it is what it is” … he might have even looked across the tent at his wife, Sarah, and said, “it was what it was” … But while Abraham faced the facts, he also kept the faith. In other words, he stood in the middle. He wasn’t delusional… yet he also didn’t fall into the pit of despair. Instead, he stood firmly in the gap…the gap between what it is and what it seems. Faith is what bridges that gap. It shows you the hope within a barren womb. The word possible inside every impossibility. The power of God in the face of a problem.
Whatever you are facing today, it’s not the end. I hope that as you read my stories within this tiny ol’ space of mine that you are filled with hope, inspiration, and even moments of laughter. Because it is here that I believe you will find not only the roses but also the thorns as I try to be transparent in sharing not just the happy and hopeful moments but also the ones filled with despair. I understand that not everyone’s journey towards parenthood will look the same, but this is my story of a tale of two love birds trusting in God while waiting for their baby bird.
UPDATE: Since the start of this blog, we have adopted a little girl through foster care. You can read all about our Tales of Fostering here.
I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!
If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it,” then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!
Wow, what a story. I really admire your outlook on this journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you! xo
Thank you so much Alexis!!
Elisha,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Today has been a “God day”, in that I did not realize I had the day off from work until yesterday, and thus had no plans set. My sister called this morning needing encouragement, and so we spent the day together crying and talking. She then headed home, and I found myself “stumbling” upon your blog. It was more like God sending you to me for encouragement!
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 15 months (and yes, it is hard not to count). We have been married almost 5 years. It is one of those things that we never thought would be difficult, and yet now we realize that, once again, God has His own plan and we are along for the ride!
It is difficult to stay encouraged as month after month passes, but your words were very helpful today. Thank you for sharing your story. As a Christian woman, I am sure you can also relate to people always asking, “do you have children?” or, “when are you going to start a family?”. I still do not know what to say! My husband likes to say, “we put in an order, but the stork keeps delivering to the wrong house!”. Just in the last month, my husband and I got in an argument, from the stress of trying to get pregnant. He asked if I would be happy without kids, and I said “no”. Then I got to thinking- we will never NOT have kids, it is just a matter of how God brings those children to us! We are called to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4), and that is exactly what I plan to do!
Anyway, I wanted to tell you the part of your story that touched me the most…you talked about how God told you that you would have a son, and name him Josiah. Well, about 5 months ago, God told me (at Starbucks, while reading His word), that I would have a daughter, and name her Hannah. The name Hannah had NEVER crossed my mind as a possibility before, and yet there it was. I am sure you know Hannah from the Bible, but I also looked it up…it means “grace” or “God has favored me”. (!!!)
I have certainly had many doubts along this fertility journey, and my husband I (like you and your husband) have decided not to pursue advanced reproductive techniques, holding on to the promises God has already given us. And so, I thank you for sharing your words and lessons with the others of us that are in a similar battle. God bless, and I have no doubt that one day you will be blessed with your Josiah in person. 🙂
Your testimony and words of encouragement have touched me so much tonight! Email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com and we can chat and help encourage one another. I I also get asked the questions you mentioned but I believe so much in the power of our words so I always tell the person that God makes everything beautiful in His time and I am waiting on the promises of God to be fulfilled in my life. My words cut the devil deep and show faith to the Father. Stay in hope!! You will be a joyful mother of children. Psalm 113:9
I also have a devotional that I would like to send you for free so feel free to email me. Blessings!
I’m just coming across this now… a good year and some later but God’s timing is everything 🙂
We’ve been asked repeatedly about when we are going to have children – thank you, Elisha, for your encouraging words to Alana, that have also encouraged me! I just heard last month that the doctor thinks I too have pcos, the journey may be long but I’m thankful we serve a faithful God!
What an amazing story! I admire your faith in God.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and following my blog 🙂
Your welcome! You are a very talented and inspiring writer. 🙂
Just reread this again for the 2nd time. SO powerful!
Love. This. Blog. Your steadfast trust and hope in the Lord is an inspiration for my own “waiting” season. We’ve been trying to have a second child for 10 months now, after an accidental pregnancy and then miscarriage last July.
He is faithful. He is El Roi, the God Who Sees Me. Praying for your sweet family.
Thank you so much for reading and finding my blog because it led me to yours! I am so excited to start following you! It’s hard to find other bloggers out there who are on the same path/journey and have the same faith in God. I always pray for the bloggers that I follow and I’m adding you and your family to my list. xo
LOVE this! My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a while now and we just found out that I have pcos. This was such a blessing to hear a God view of our situation. Praying for you!
Praying for you too! I have learned that through diet and exercise it can totally be manageable. Buuuuut…I seem to have trouble with the sticking to the diet and exercise :/ When I was, my cycles were normal. I’m back on the wagon though. If there is anything I can do (pray, send encouragement cards, etc.) just email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com I would love to add you to my mailing list 🙂 xo
I have nominated you for a Liebster Award =) You can check out my post for the details: http://leahnessransomed.wordpress.com/2014/07/10/my-second-liebster/
yay! You gave me some good questions! I got to start thinking of some clever answers! Thank you for the nomination. xo
Hi Elisha,,,
just happened to come across your blog,,,,ur miles away but i feel so close to you,,,,i too have been diagnosed with PCOD and have had a miscarriage in 2012 and a in May 2014 ,,, something my doctor termed a Chemical pregnancy,,,,,
ur words inspire me and ur steadfast trust and hope is the Lord is great !!!! I will keep you in my prayers… God Bless
Krystal, I am so glad you came across my blog and you find hope and inspiration in it somewhere. If you ever want to chat, never hesitate to email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com. I love “meeting” and getting to know new people 🙂 Have a great week!
Elisha you blog encourages me so much to stay faithful even if at times I feel the weight of it all is just to hard. My story of my daughter’s name in some ways ties in with your blog. My husband and I have been trying for almost 5 years I have also been diagnosed with Pocs however I still ovulate and it is definitely possible for me to have children however my husband tests show that he may not be able to conceive. This is particularly heart breaking to a man who desires to be called dad as I do mum. It has been a massive strain on our relationship but we continue on and our relationship now matter how low it get continues to thrive. Now on our last appointment about 6 months ago we were told to go through IVF with a donor. I went home feeling empty it was then we decided that god will heal us. From this point on I have received confirmation after confirmation that we will conceive naturally. At one of my lowest points god stopped me in. Y tracks and whispered to me that I would haves daughter and her name would be Elisah (god’s promise) when planning my families I thoughts would have 7 children all boys. Now one beautiful girl would make my heart content. I came home that night scrolling through Fb and found your blog now the name is ever so slightly different but your message was all the confirmation I needed to start my faith journey. May god continue to encourage you, give you inspiration, and may what he has begun in you be completed. You are inspiring people to believe in miracles you are one of Gods special gifts. Thank you
What a perfect name and meaning! I can’t wait to see God fulfill this promise for you.
Thank you Sara!
Wow, your story is amazing. Also, side-note, my son’s name is Josiah! I’ve had some struggles with staying pregnant over the last 2 years of beginning our family, but God has given us a few promises, and I cling to them DAILY as we have dealt with our losses. Praying for you and believing that His promise for sweet Josiah will be fulfilled soon!
Thank you so much Mary for reading and commenting. I found you on Amber’s blog 🙂 Praying for you as well!
Found it!! Jeez that’s a big belly for shizzle!! O_o
right?! SCARY! I should have taken a before pic just to show the dramatic results! lol! Now it seems like my belly looks like that and I’m not on meds. yikes! Got.to.work.out.
totally!! I used to have a flat stomach and now I look like I already gave birth to 3 kids! Between the weight gain due to hormones and that last growth spur before collection, it never went away! Im already mentally prepared for when I have to get in shape again… after giving birth… t twins! 🙂 lol doesn’t hurt to dream!
DREAM BIG GIRL!!!!
😍 absolutely!!!
A. Stinking. MEN, girlfriend. I love this and I love your faith. It may be shaky at times, but it’s never gone. *hugs
So glad you found my blog! I am excited to follow you and get to know you better! Email me anytime at 10hopeingod@gmail.com
Elisha, I decided to read your Josiah story again. I stand with you, believing that God is going to give you and Daniel a baby bird of your very own. The day that you tell me will be so very exciting. I can’t wait. Prayers for you and Daniel always!
i’ve nominated you for the OLBA – http://hellomynameistubeless.wordpress.com/2014/09/17/olba/
I’ve been following your story for a few months but just saw you were living in Indiana and receiving treatments. Can I ask where you lived? My husband and I moved to the Indy area a few months ago and will hopefully be looking for a fertility doctor in the next few months. I would love some suggestions or who to avoid if you were around the Indy area!
Good luck, Shannon
we were seeing Dr. Bonevertua or something like that. He would come to Evansville once or twice a week but his primary office was in Indy as that is where I had to go for my egg retrieval and transfer. I wouldn’t say he was the greatest…
Thank you! Good luck to you
I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award – http://wannabemamma.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/one-lovely-blog-award/
Thank you, thank you! You are awesome!!!!
I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog award. For more details of how to accept your award check out this post: http://infertilitywhyme.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/one-lovely-blog-award/.
Thank you so much! I’m going to check it out now 🙂
Hi Elisha.
I was deeply touched by your testimony. What a testimony it is. As I was reading your testimony Hannah kept coming to mind. (1 Samuel 1:2)
Being barren she believed God for a baby and He answered her…..! In your testimony you said God said you would have a boy and a boy you will have. God has seen your faith in Him and He is pleased. He will watch over His word He spoke to you. Like He answered Hannah He has answered you and your boy is going to be used mightily by God!! God has great plans for him and He has chosen you and your husband to bring him up in the way of The Lord.
I will leave you with one other scripture:
Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
The fruit of the womb His generous legacy?
Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
With your quivers full of children!
Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you;
You’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.
Psalm 127:3-5
God has given you His best gift…..!
Keep trusting. God bless
Rolain
Thank you, thank you, thank you Rolain for your support and encouragement! It truly means so much to me and I’m excited to have you following along with me on my journey. I know that God is not a man that He should lie or change His mind. He is so faithful and I love watching Him work in my life and the lives of others. He is doing a mighty thing that is for sure.
That’s great Elisha. Looking forward to seeing all God is going to do for you…. 🙂
Rolain
What an amazing road you are traveling on. I am once again amazed at how much God cares for our every desire and wants us to be happy! I believe with you that God will give you a son, and you will call him Josiah! God bless you on your journey!
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement! I truly appreciate it!
Hi elisha! We have 3 things in common : pcos, miscarriage and hope =) Your courage and perseverance in the midst of infertility has been an isnpiration to me =) Thank you for your life ! I would love to read more articles from you…
Oh so glad you enjoy it so far! I hope you find lots of posts to help inspire and encourage as you grow your family 🙂 xo
Hey there! Just tuned into your blog and decided to give you a follow. If you’d like to return the favor, come and play at http://www.thatssojacob.wordpress.com. Fun guaranteed. Thanks and have a great day from Madison, Wisconsin USA!
God bless you for sharing your story . My husband and I started trying in April 2013 and for months struggled and I felt so lost and forgotten by God . In January 2014 God spoke to a friend of mine through a dream and told me I would have a child . In April 2014 my husband was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma . God has used this horrible time to teach us about his Grace and Love and I’m so grateful! He is an awesome God and truly carried us through . He is now cancer free! Last month I woke from my sleep sobbing from a dream where I had delivered a health baby boy ,I believe it was Gods reminder . We will start trying to conceive again this January . Sometimes I become so overwhelmed at the thought of it and that monthly heartache but I must remind myself of Gods faithfulness thus far .
Praise God that he is now cancer free! I’m doing a happy dance over here for you! YAY! I believe 100 percent that God speaks to us through dreams and plants little seeds of hope through them. I’m excited for you to start trying again and know that I am here for you and anytime you need specific prayer, email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com xo
Elisha, I found your blog through a link you left on Evangeline Colbert’s website. Your words encourage me, especially since there are a few similarities in our story. My husband & I have been trying to conceive for 2+ years and have had two miscarriages. My OB/GYN gave me the card of a specialist, but God specifically spoke to me (in the still, small voice), saying that HE was our fertility specialist. He has promised us over & over that we will have biological children (plural) of our own. He told me that our firstborn would be a son, and when my husband prayed for a name, God told him “Josiah Daniel.” We had seen the meaning “fire of the Lord” for the name Josiah, but we weren’t aware of the “Jehovah heals” meaning as well. That adds a whole new perspective. 🙂
It does get difficult, like you said. We are older (I’m 42), so medically speaking, time is running out for us. But God… We keep standing on His promises, feeling like we’re closer than ever to seeing them come to pass. He who promised IS faithful, good, and kind. I’ll believe with you for your Josiah’s coming too. 🙂
Tracy! I just loved this comment! First of all, my hubby’s name is Daniel and I have gone back and forth on using that as the middle name so how cool it was to see that you would be naming your future son Josiah. I want to encourage you today to hold onto that promise that God gave you. Humans make promises that sometime we keep…sometimes we don’t based upon how we are feeling or if we are busy (or not busy) enough. But not God. He always, always, always keeps His promises! The Bible tells us that it is okay to remind God of His word so never hesitate to remind Him of what He has said and promised you. I am believing with you that age doesn’t matter to Him for He has no limitations. I’m excited for the day when I receive an email from you with a pregnancy announcement. Go ahead and write this down because I am confident you will need it : 10hopeingod@gmail.com
Hi Elisha, I’ve nominated you for a Sisterhood of the World Blogger award! Check it out and post your own if you’d like http://brollyinababyshower.com/2015/01/30/the-sisterhood-of-the-world-bloggers-award/
Thanks girl!
I admire you Elisha. I tried for a long time conceive too.
One night I thought I heard Jesus talk to me (I am not nuts!). He said “You will have a baby… and he/she will be worth the wait”. I did conceive and I am thrilled to say my son was well worth the wait!
Sending you lots of hugs and prayers because I know He will work a miracle for you too. xx
Oh I am so thankful for you and your testimony! I couldn’t have come at a better time for me! Xoxo!
I firmly believe in the miracles of our Precious Father! In July 2009, my husband was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, he had it in both testicles, the odds of that happending is 1 in 3 million! He had the surgery and had one of them removed. We were told that we would NEVER have children of our own, if we wanted to possibly try, we needed to see a sperm bank. (SPERM BANK!!!!!!) His Urologist wanted to remove the other testicle, but after talking with his Oncologist, who had to be Christian, but was of Indian decent, he told us he HAD seen miracles before and if we wanted to trust in our Faith, then thats what we should do. We were trusting in our Savior to heal him and that we would have our own children some day. The Urologist told us that if my husband didn’t have the other one removed he would have about 6 months to live. Again, we had our Faith and we Trusted in the Lord….It took about 6 months but I got pregnant, (around the time my husband should have been dead!), sadly I misscarried, but within 1 month I was pregnant again. We now have a beautiful, outgoing, amazing, 4 year old light of my life, precious baby girl…. (I know the plans for you, Says the Lord!!) We became concerned again once we started trying for our second child, I longed for a boy for my hubby, every man needs a son. We tried for almost 2 years and NOTHING! We timed everything right, peed on the ovulation sticks, did it all…Nothing worked… We knew it wasn’t him, nothing had changed with him and I thought it was all me…I gave up trying, I got mad at God and just didn’t understand why he would allow my heart to yearn for another child and NOTHING! We can have our Hearts desires right…. All the while I am throwing a temper tantrum and doubting the Lord, I WAS PREGNANT!!!! I now have a handsome, chubby, flirty, 5 month old Joy of my Life Baby Boy!!! So you keep trusting in God, You keep your Faith, its all a test of our Faith I feel to bring us closer to Him, it will happen in God’s time, not our time! You will have your Josiah!!
I seriously love, love, love your testimony and when I read it this morning, it just gave me so much hope still 🙂 And it even kinda made me want to go pee on another stick. hehe! But I refrained. lol! So thank you for that encouragement today and thank you so much for your prayers, faith and support 🙂 I appreciate it all SOOO much! xo
I have been following your journey for some time. Your faith and outlook is so uplifting, and your way with words is amazing. Infertility is a topic that I have both struggled with and studied, in both my personal and professional life, with a special interest in PCOS. In your infertility journey, did they ever try you on clomid alone, or did they go right to injections? I only ask because I have found that some infertility doctors rush into aggressive methods, instead of starting at the most reasonable point.. which would be simply clomid alone. Sorry for being nosy, it is just my nursing background that is kicking in, I certainly do not want to come across as pushy or like I know better than anyone. Either way, thank you so much for sharing your story and your faith!! I look forward to reading your posts! 🙂
Hey girlie! Don’t worry about being pushy or nosey because none of those things is what you are 🙂 And nope we didn’t do Clomid. I can’t remember the exact reasoning now but there was one at the time. My PCOS is classified as severe and so we went to timed intercourse with injectables. The first few rounds of the lowest dose they can offer in the injectables didn’t hardly produce anything. I don’t even think I had one egg that would get to a 16. So then they upped the dosage to the next stage and I produced too many for a timed intercourse cycle so we canceled. And this went on for a bit with canceled cycles until we decided to go to IVF. I wasn’t fond of IVF but did it anyway and my body hated it. HATED IT. I had lots of complications. And then as it turns out none of the eggs (all 27) were that great. The doc assumes that because I have so many old eggs that never matured stuck to my ovaries, that those must have matured and he got those. And those were not of the best quality. Does that help any? I am currently back on Metformin. I started it again in January. Hoping it helps a bit 🙂
Hi!
Thank you so much for your beautiful blog. You are an inspiration! My husband and I have been trying for a baby for two years now and apparently have a 3 percent chance of falling pregnant naturally. So I was scheduled to start IVF last month, but a week before we were going to start, the sister phoned to let me know that the doctor was not available. I was so upset, because I had prepared myself for the treatment mentally and was ready to go. In the back of my mind though, I knew there was a reason why God did not want me to go for the treatment. The reason became clear the next week when I found out that I had melanoma which needed to be removed as soon as possible so that it does not spread any further. I could obviously not have it removed if I had been pregnant. So I felt so blessed knowing God was in control of my life!
Now it seems that the doctor will also not be available next month. I have in the meantime phoned another fertility specialist. Hoping they would be able to fit me in. Guess what, despite reading hundreds of reviews on the internet regarding the wonderful service that this particular clinic offers, they took my number and said they would call me back….. and after a follow up call from me, still haven’t phoned me.
I have not received any word from God nor have I received any confirmation that I will have a baby, which I desperately want, but God seems to be closing the door on fertility treatment for me. I believe with my whole heart that God is in control of my life and although it is sometimes extremely difficult not to take things in our own hands, God will provide, if we let him. Your blog of 2 March 2015 confirms this believe.
I pray that God will give you your Josiah soon…. And I will pray that God will continue to show me the way that He wants me to take, and bless us with a healthy baby too.
Hey girl! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! I am totally praying for you right now! I know that you said you haven’t received a specific “word” from God, but I just feel the need to encourage you in this way….His word says that He gives us the desires of our hearts so take that as His word and promise to you. Also, His word says that He wants us healed and made whole. And never once did Jesus go around making people sick. Instead, the Bible says that He healed all who came to Him. Furthermore, every single barren woman in the bible that cried out to Him for a child received one. So hang in there and know that He has a heart for those who struggle to conceive. I hope this encourages you today!
Thank you so much for posting your story. I had tears in my own eyes. I have PCOS as well, and love hearing other “cysters” stories.
Your story of hearing God’s message yet you’re waiting is encouraging. Thank you…
Hey girl! Thank you so much for stopping by! I hope my story encourages and inspires you. Feel free to email me at 10hopeingod@gmail.com ANYTIME!!
Wow! So glad to read your story. It almost mimics mine! We’ve been married 8 years and I have PCOS as well. We have done everything but IVF, as we don’t have the savings to cover the expense. We got pregnant in 2012 and lost the baby at 7 weeks. It’s hard. I read your post on the 1 in 8 and cried the whole way through it. One night while seeking God he gave me three boys names- one being Josiah! I believe in His plan, but some days the pain is unbearable. Especially when other women look at you ask, “So do you have children yet?” I have to remember that my identity is not in being a mom (as much as I want it to be), but rather my identity is in God. I am first and foremost a daughter of the king, and He has my life in His hands. Thank you again for your transparency. It really is a struggle that is done for most in silence. I don’t want pity- I want support and grace. Jessica
Wow Jessica! Are we twins?! No seriously! We do have almost the same story! And I love love love your faith! Thank you so much for commenting! Let’s stay in touch! Email me anytime at 10hopeingod@gmail.com
Wow! I was encouraged over again reading your story which is sooooo similar to mine. I thank you for your testimony and words of hope.
21 years of infertility. We have one Angel, Amila. We are currently almost licensed to adopt thru Foster care. Mothers day is so painful, I lost my Mom in December 2004 & we lost our Angel 3 weeks later. Your article touched my heart. Thank you.
Oh sugars!! I am so sorry for your pain!! My prayers are with you today. Xo
I just want to say that reading your story and how well you explain all that I feel and sometimes can’t express means so much. My husband and I have been trying to naturally conceive for over 7years. I look back and think how naive we were when we were engaged an talking about our future. How easily we thought everything would fall into place. We were married through the church and waited till our wedding night. We never used any form of contraceptives and yet it seemed everyone else was able to get pregnant but us. It truly is hard to be faithful and patient but we do our best. Thank you for showing me I am not alone in this struggle snd someone really understands.
Your story is so heartbreaking and encouraging at the same time. I wanted to share my story with you to hopefully give you some encouragement in return. my husband and i were high school sweet hearts. We me our sophmore year. I yelled at him and told him to get out of my seat so he moved to the one in front of me. We’ve been inseperable ever since. He proposed our senior year of high school. He caught me o the computer and pitched the ring box at the back of my head. We were married in November of the same year we graduated. I loved that man (boy really, looking back on it now.) so much. Less than a year after we got married we recieved the heart breaking news that we would never have kids. The doctors told him his sperm count was to low for us to ever concieve on our own. I was devastated. For the next 5 years i believed they were right. After all, why did I never concieve even though were not using birth control or any other method to stop it? I got so angry at God. I kept saying “I know you can fix this. You just don’t want to.”
I finally got tired of being so angry. I asked God to help me get over my grief. I remember praying “if you don’t want me to have kids then so be it. Just show me what you would have me do instead.” The next day my mamaw called and told me that they needed me to teach the under 8 year olds at our bible school. i said yes. I had 3 little girls. They were the most adorable little girls I have even met. I was so blessed. Then 2 week later i started to stay sick to my stomach most of the time. I had just started a new job so I thought I had picked something up at work. After several days of not getting any better I thought `might as well’. So I picked up a test from the dollar store. Just one of those little 1 dollar tests. I was shocked when there was a very faint second line! The next day after work I picked up a better test. It was positive again. I was so stunned but excited. I picked my husband up from work that evening and give him the test. He was so excited he cried.
On April 4th this year I had a beautiful little girl we named Isabella. She is so precious. She is almost 3 months old now. She is the perfect little gift from God. Don’t give up hope. Your little miracle will arrive when he is meant to.
What an awesome testimony! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your heart with me today. xo
I started reading some of your other posts (they popped up when I searched for infertility scriptures) but I’m at work and I can’t read them without starting to weep. I am so thankful I found your blog. I feel encouraged just reading your story. We just passed our 1 year mark of TTC. I, too, have PCOS, not as severe though. I am currently focusing on my health right now. I plan on reading all of your posts once I’m not at work and can cry freely. Thank you for your wise words and Godly outlook. I am clinging to my own personal promise from God that I got Christmas 2009, that He would give me the desires of my heart if I dedicated my life to Him. I can’t wait to see the miracle that God will perform in your life!
Hey there sugars! Welcome to the waiting for baby bird family! I am so excited you found this lil home of mine on the internet! I sincerely pray that you find hope and encouragement here, but above all, the love of Christ as He gives you peace and true joy as you seek Him during this stressful time. I encourage you to check out the post “Resources to Help You on Your Infertility Journey.” The book about PCOS is an EXCELLENT tool to help you get healthy. PCOS is manageable I have learned to help reduce the symptoms, increase ovulation and become pregnant. I know that I could probably take meds to get pregnant, but it wouldn’t solve the underlying issue that comes with PCOS and pregnancy right now would only make my high blood pressure and insulin resistence worse. And so that is why I am mainly concentrating on getting healhty and chaning my diet so that when I do become prego, I won’t have to immediately start seeing a high risk doc. Because right now? I would. eek! Please message me if you ever want to chat. My email is 10hopeingod@gmail.com
I don’t know how I happened upon your blog as I’m in my late 40’s and have 3 grown sons already but reading your story just broke my heart. I worked with a girl who had PCOS, she had been trying to get pregnant through most of her 20’s with no success and was devastated when she was DX’d. She was our office secretary and she and her husband didn’t make much money between the two of them but they scrimped and saved until they were able to do IVF. She got pregnant after her first round but lost the pregnancy about 5 weeks in. Later on, they attempted it again but it was not successful. By this time they’d been trying for about a decade and she was worn out emotionally and physically so she told her husband she wanted to take a break and just whoop it up for a year, take a nice vacation and not focus their life around getting pregnant. Well, about 2 months later she found out she was pregnant…no medical intervention at all. She now has a beautiful little girl who’s about 3 and she is her and her husband’s world! I am not meaning this to sound like “Just relax, it’ll happen!” because I know very well that’s a myth, but just as a message of hope. I’ll be praying for you sweet girl and your little miracle is out there!
Thank you so much!! I truly appreciate this amazing testimony. ❤️❤️
Again, you have me in tears. Thank you for writing all of this down and sharing, Elisha! I’m praying for your baby bird!
Ahhh thank you so much Kelli for your prayers! They mean so much to me because I know that prayers move mountains. xo
A friend recommended your blog to me a few weeks ago and I just read your story today. I can’t tell you how similar our stories are!! We got married on August 5, 2006. We are still trying. It is incredibly frustrating to be in this situation but I know God is in control of both our stories. God has blessed us with two foster to adopt placements of sweet little boys. I love them so much and am so thankful for them. One adoption is completed and one is just finishing. Adoption is not the same as having a bio family but I thank God for the blessing they are to me. Be encouraged today that God has your back and he knows your heart better than anyone else!
I stumbled upon your blog on Facebook and I am so thankful I did! I was given the news that I have endometriosis this past January and told my husband and I may or may not be able to conceive on our own. It is so hard to talk about with other people because unless you have experienced the struggle of infertility, you can’t understand what it is like. It’s such a personal thing too so I am very thankful to have found your blog. Thanks for being open and sharing. My hubby and I are also praying for a “baby bird” someday! I will definitely be reading more of your posts in the next few weeks! I’ll be praying for you!
Oh how this touched my heart! I can so relate to your feelings about your miscarriage, as I recently went through this. Your faith is inspiring! Waiting with you! Check out my blog thischildipray.blogspot.com
Hey Jenny! Thank you so much for stopping by and I’m heading over to your blog now! Thank you for sharing it with me 🙂 xo
Your story is beautiful. Keep trusting in the Lord and know He has a plan. I commend you for continuing to persevere even when the going gets tough. I know the difficulty of infertility as we have struggled with it as well. I know it can be such a dark road to have to travel but God always wins in the end.
Thank you so much for your sweet words of support and encouragement! And you are sooo right! God always wins! xo
hi
So much of your story mirrors mine, but I wanted to share the ending of my story with you. After a few years of trying for a baby with no results, I was at a prayer meeting where a complete stranger at the meeting said to me “God is going to make you laugh”. My name is Sarah and in the Bible Sarah laughsabout the possibility of being pregnant after so long. A few years later (after ivf ending in miscarriage and time spent curled up in bed) we adopted two children from Russia. We met them on Nov 19th ( a detail that would be important later). I can remember on the way home from the orphanage my 18th month old daughter placing her forehead on mine and going cross eyed, I laughed and laughed.
We still had three frozen embryos, after the miscarriage I hadn’t been able to face ivf again so we had moved to adoption. Ten years after doing ivf we decided to use the frozen embryos. The month before embryo replacement I got spontaneously pregnant for the first time ever. Our third child, a little boy was born last year on …November 19th. I have laughed a lot over the last year. I believe that sometimes God gives us things like special dates as reminders of his promise to us. In the hardest times I would hold onto the fact the God is good. It sounds pretty simple, but if you believe that God is good, then you believe that his intentions for you are good.
Whenever I think that our journey is completed, there seems to be more and my family is more amazing than what I could have imagined.
I want to encourage you to hold onto those promises….it will be worth it and so much better that you could imagine. One day you’ll be on the other side of this, looking at the evidence of Gods goodness to us.
All the best
Sarah
Oh, Sarah! How I loved the ending to your story! Thank you so much for sharing it with me! God is always good and He is always faithful to His word! Hugs! xo
Just found my old comment and thought I would add the next part…every time I think God has finished, there’s more. A year and a half after our surprise baby, we still had three frozen embryos. We thawed them, two didn’t make it and the one that did didn’t look great. That embryo is now a chubby little 15 month old. IVF, miscarriage, failed adoption, twenty years infertility has resulted in four miraculous children.
Hold on to the promises you have been given, God can be trusted to keep his word
oh wow!!!! I love this so much! Thank you for sharing!!!!!
Elisha,
I just stumbled upon your blog today, but not by chance. 😉 I cannot get over how every single descriptor you wrote about yourself describe me too (except “foster mommy”)… and I live in Southern Illinois too! 🙂 Will definitely be following your blog! I just finished reading your infertility journey, and the tears are flowing- out of compassion and empathy! I share your pain. I have been diagnosed with PCOS as well. My husband and I have been trying to conceive naturally since we were married almost 3 years ago. It is so heartbreaking (my heart literally hurts) when I hear of yet another friend/family member that is pregnant. I want so badly to experience the joy in sharing the news with my husband (I, too, have a stash of favorite ways to tell him). I’m struggling with the question of whether we will ever have children of our own. PCOS is so tough to deal with emotionally. Infertility is hard enough…. why do we have to deal with facial hair and those horrible vaginal ultrasounds too?? I have struggled these past 3 years to trust in God’s plan for my life. The “Type A” in me wants to know what to plan for. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to know with finality that I will never have children. What tears me apart is the uncertainty. I can’t imagine what good can come of PCOS…. but then I see how you are using your PCOS to encourage others to trust in God’s plan. I have found some really good songs that have been so uplifting for me during this “waiting period”. Here are a couple that may help you during this time too: “Already There” (Casting Crowns), “You Carry Me” (Moriah Peters), and “The Sun is Rising” (Britt Nicole). It was tough to narrow it down to 3. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience and hope in God. I love the name Josiah and its meaning, and am confident that God will fulfill the promise He gave you for a precious baby boy. One thing that I have gathered from reading scriptures is that each time a woman’s infertility struggle is mentioned, a very significant baby comes into the picture. We serve a great God that heals. The Bible calls him “Jehovah Rapha”- “The Lord that heals”. I will be praying for you and your husband for both physical and emotional healing. Okay, sorry,….one more song. 🙂 “Healer” (Kari Jobe).
Jesus follower, wife, and PCOS defeater,
Tricia
I relate to you so much! My husband and I have been married for almost seven years (May 23, 2009). We’ve gotten pregnant about 3 times and miscarried all three times. The last two times we got pregnant, I miscarried them on pretty much the same date, 2 years apart. I’m still trying to figure out what that means! I’ve had dreams about babies and dates of when I might have the babies, but lately, it seems like the heavens have closed up and are silent. Thank you so much for your testimony! There’s so many times when I thought I got the ‘date’ right and then the date passes right on by! Please keep us up to date with your journey! God bless you! Romans 16:16, Acts 2:38
Andrea,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and even sharing with me a little bit of yours. I am so sorry for your losses. It’s so heartbreaking and I just can’t imagine the pain you must feel and the emptiness you might have. I am praying Zecheriah 9:12 which says, “Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” God will never let the enemy have the final say in your life as long as we remain in Him and trust in His plans. I am firmly believing that all that then enemy stole from you, God will restore and then some! Love ya, girl!