Another one bites the dust.
Sweet sister, I just saw my 293,849,550 negative pregnancy test. Well, actually, that’s a bit of an exaggeration–it was more like my 293,849,535 negative pregnancy test. But who’s counting (sigh). I won’t lie; this one doesn’t feel any easier to look at than the last. Especially since I just felt in my heart as though this time…this month…something was different, you know? Something just “felt” right. But while it wasn’t, and while I wanted to throw it down and beat it with a hammer, or run around like a crazy lady holding it up in the many variations of lighting, or break it apart to see the test strip more closely, or even throw it away in the trash to only dig it back out 15 different times before finally laying it to rest (all of which I normally do), I didn’t. Instead, seeing the one line only prompted me to share with you my heart…
Because I know there is another woman who is also waiting and has the same dream of becoming a mommy. She feels broken, confused, and tired as she sits staring at yet another negative pregnancy test. She feels defeated as she must bury yet another dream that this time…this month…things would change. They would be different.
And she is losing hope that they ever will.
Then there is her. She is the one feeling numb and heartbroken as she sits in the doctor’s office and listens to the results of yet another canceled or even failed treatment cycle. Another month of hearing the words, “I’m sorry.” And as she slowly makes her way to the elevator, then through the main lobby, and across the parking lot and into her car, she begins to cry. It is just a few tears at first. But then they start to pour out of her faster and harder as she slowly begins to bury her dream that this time…this month…things would change. They would be different.
And she is losing hope that they ever will.
Then, another woman reading this has stopped dreaming of ever seeing a positive pregnancy test altogether. Instead, she dreams of a phone call or reading an email that announces she and her spouse have been selected. You see, she has opened up her heart to adoption. She has spent countless hours filling out paperwork, creating a portfolio, and participating in nerve-racking interviews with expectant mothers to only be rejected. She doesn’t understand why they keep getting overlooked. She doesn’t understand why everyone, including the God she loves and serves, thinks they will not be good enough parents. And so it is with each passing day that she doesn’t receive the call, the call that could change her world forever, and the call that could add the title of mommy to her life resume, that she realizes she has to bury the dream that this time…this day…things could change. They would be different.
And she is losing hope that they ever will.
But if I could look into the eyes of each woman…if I could speak to her broken heart, I would tell her not to give up hope. I would plead with her not to bury the dream of becoming a mother. Because it is in this moment, when all looks dark and hopeless, the enemy would want her to believe that it will always be this hard, this sad, or this overwhelming. He would want her to let go of the desires God has purposefully planted in the soft fertile soil of her heart. And he would want to see her lose. Lose herself…Lose her joy…Lose her hope…Lose her faith…Because he knows the moment she continues to believe things could still one day change…the second she dares to keep the dream alive, she wins.
Hope always wins.
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