This wait for you is hard. Like, really hard. It seems as though it is taking forever for you to get here. If I had it my way you would be five-years-old already. You see, that is when the all-burning desire for you was birthed within my heart. It’s been a lonely five years without having you to hold, love, and teach the important things of life to (like enjoying picnics outside, smiling at everyone you meet, and loving like Jesus would). And overtime as the months go by without you still here, I find that I try not to think about you as often I used to. I try to avoid imagining what you would look like, who you would become, and all that you might accomplish. Because the truth be told, sometimes when I do, the deepest parts of my mama heart begin to ache. But today, all day, I caught myself doing what it is I so often try to avoid…
It all began when I walked down the hallway of our home and I glanced over at the pictures of when me and your daddy were little. My mind began to wonder who you would look like and if you would have your daddy’s pudgy nose or my big blue eyes. I caught myself smiling at the thought of you having both…a little bit of him and a little bit of me all rolled up in one perfect tiny human. Oh how adorable you would look nestled in my neck! I even caught myself wondering where our new family picture would hang and how I want it to be taken around spring time, in a field, at sunset. I know it sounds cheesy but sunset pictures in a field during that time of a year are gorgeous…you’ll see. I hope.
As I continued down the hallway I stopped in the doorway to your room. Yes, you already have a room fully furnished because I can’t help but have faith that one day you will no longer just live in my heart, but also in this home. And so as I stood there looking into your crib with the bedding that your Grandma (who you will one day call Gram) sewed together out of love and in faith, I began to wonder what it would be like to finally see you sleeping in there with your cute little tush sticking up in the air. Just that thought and vision alone literally took my breath away.
I wonder how it is that I can love you so much already. A person who hasn’t even been conceived yet. Perhaps it’s because our souls are already intertwined? I don’t know if this can be true. Or even possible. But I wonder.
Speaking of souls, as I ventured into your room this afternoon, something I rarely do because it hurts and feels lonely, I began to wonder about yours. I began to think about your personality and who you would become. I can’t help but think you will be someone great. Someone who will change the world around you. After all, every women in the bible who had trouble conceiving not only overcame their obstacles and gave birth, but gave birth to a champion. Sarah birthed Isaac who became the first descendant of Jesus. Rebekah bore twins and one of them, Jacob, is among the top three most significant people in the Old Testament. Rachel birthed Joseph who was the second most powerful man next to Pharaoh. Hannah birthed Samuel who was an amazing judge, priest, prophet and counselor. Manoah’s wife birthed Samson who you will one day learn in your Sunday school class was a legendary warrior against the Philistines. And then there was Elisabeth who birthed John…as in John the Baptist whom even Jesus called the greatest man born of a woman.
Sweet baby bird, there is no doubt in my mind that you will also be a champion. I just wonder in what way. And I wonder when. Because while I know God has a specific plan and an even more specific purpose for your life, I know this also means He has a specific time for it to happen. I just pray it happens soon because waiting for you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is taking every ounce of my strength. Every bit of my mustard seed faith. And let’s be honest, all of my patience. There are days I want to give up. Give in. And move on. It hurts sometimes to hope against all hope. It hurts to hear another baby’s cry or smell the scent of a newborn because I want so badly for it to be you. I want so badly to have your tiny fingers wrap around mine or watch as your eyes follow me around the room. But it’s in my hurt and heartache and moments when I think I can’t go another day fighting in prayer for you that I wonder…I wonder what life would be like without you. The one who has already captured my heart and has somehow linked yourself to my soul. And you know? The thought of not having you in my dreams and as a part of my future plans hurt even more.
There is something about you that I can’t let go. And I won’t let go. Therefore as hard as it is to keep hoping and waiting for the day you are no longer living in my heart but in the four walls of my home, I will never stop praying for you. Because I have faith to believe that while I may wonder what you will look like, God doesn’t. He already knows the size of your nose, the color of your eyes, and the number of hairs on your head. And while I may wonder who you will become, God has already paved the way for your greatness. And He has already marked your arrival on His calendar.
I’m waiting for you baby bird…waiting for you to come flying home into my empty wings and already prepared nest.
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