If you have been reading this blog for very long then it should be no secret that I strongly believe in the power of your words (check out my post, “I’m Never Going to be a Mother!”) In fact, one of my favorite books is “Change Your Words Change Your Life” by Joyce Meyer. Furthermore, one of my favorite scriptures is when Jesus says in Matthew 7:20 that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed, the mountains in my life will move when I command them to move. So, imagine the talks me and my mountains…errr…ovaries, fallopian tubes, hormones, and eggs have on a regular basis.
“Ovaries, listen up! This month is going to be different.You are going to snap to attention, produce the biggest eggs my body has ever seen and then FORCEFULLY eject them. Do not hang on to them! They aren’t for you to keep!”
“Uterus. I don’t know what you are doing in there, but I’m going to need you to stop it, and start growing a lining like you are a bear stocking up for hibernation, capiche? Have you ever heard of a hysterectomy? You are THIS close my friend, shape up or get SHIPPED OUT”
“Eyeballs.You keep those tears contained in public! If I so much as feel a rogue TINGLE in that tear duct when I see another pregnant woman or hear of another pregnancy announcement and I lose it in front of everyone, I promise I will pop you out with a spoon. Keep it together.This is your final warning!”
“FAAAALLOOOOPIAN TUBES!!! HELLOOOO IN THERE!! What are you doing? No, seriously; what are you doing in there? Partying? Napping? Putting up barricades as a prank? Can we talk about this whole sperm/egg blind date thing you should be coordinating? Get busy hooking them up! Got it?!”
“Eggs! I need you to be better than Egglands Best! You are instructed to be happy, healthy and free from all chromosome abnormalities. I’ve got some high standards and I need you to fulfill them and be PERFECT!”
“Hormones! What is your malfunction? You seem to be on a roller coaster. One cycle you’re going up, the next cycle you’re crashing down. Let’s get it together and be balanced, okay? Estrogen I need you to pull it together. Progesterone, wake up! Insulin, let’s come down a bit; there is no need to be an overachiever. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it!”
“Listen here spermies! You better wake up, bulk up and get moving. Got it?! It’s time you start reading the road map, following all road signs and head in the right direction! There is one very anxious eggy waiting for you and you better not let it down. It’s time to swim like you are Michael Phelps! Mmkay?”
I believe the pep talks I give myself while in the shower, washing the dishes, sweeping the front porch, and dusting the living room bookshelf would either win me the grand prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos or put me in the insane asylum…But, then again, it might just move my mountain.
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