“I don’t know how much longer I do this,” cried the words of my heart as I looked over at my husband. Together we sat at our dining room table and as the tears flowed, and so did my raw emotions. Just hours earlier, while at church, I was stopped on three different occasions by three different women asking me how I was feeling (I must have had “that look”). Without hesitation, I smiled and said “fine” before quickly darting off in the other direction. However, “fine” was not how I was feeling. I was anything but “fine.” However, it sure is a lot easier to say and far less awkward for the other person to hear than if I were to be honest and spit out that I am at my breaking point. Because the truth is, even though I can see God’s powerful hand working in my life, and despite believing 110% in His promises, I still feel weighed down by His Sovereign will–trapped by circumstances I cannot seem to change no matter how hard I hope, pray and declare.
I am beyond frustrated and increasingly impatient with God and His ways as I feel stuck in the same storybook chapter of my life. How much longer is He going to make me wait until He starts writing the next chapter titled, “Motherhood?” I just want to shake my fists to the heavens as I scream and yell at the top of my lungs that if He doesn’t start writing it soon, then I am done! Because I don’t know how much longer I can stay hopeful…how much longer I can keep surrendering my plans and control…how much longer I can shrug off the naysayers and eye-rollers. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this. I am ready to move on from always talking about God’s promises, to cuddling them, rocking them, and showing them off to the world around me.
Raw emotions, uh?
Don’t get me wrong, God is good and He is faithful to keep His word, but I’m just tired. Tired of what? Tired of being stuck in this “ugly chapter” and screaming from the rooftops my faith in God’s promises. I’m tired of feeling as though God has me in this holding cell and I’m unable to move forward or go backwards. I am just sitting here stuck as I wait on Him to finish writing my story; and while I sit here waiting, He has asked me to continually tell my story to as many people as possible so that He may get all of the credit for what will happen before it happens.
However, I am tired of telling my story. I’m tired of blogging and having everyone know my business. I’m tired of walking around feeling like I have a big question mark above my head as people wonder if this promise of a child was actually spoken by God or simply created from my emotional invention. I’m tired of sitting in this holding cell and being spit on as others call me a fool, mock my faith and laugh at my belief and love for a child that hasn’t even been conceived yet.
I am starting to feel overwhelmed at the very thought of still telling this same part of the chapter of how I am hoping, believing and waiting for His promise to be fulfilled five, ten, or even twenty years down the road. The longer He waits to fulfill His promise, the more intense the persecution, slander, judgement and doubts from others will arise. Will I have the strength to continue? Will I be able to handle it? Will my “hope tank” even last that long?
But the thing about this life that I am living is this: I have a free will. It’s my choice to either stay in this place that God has led me to and allow Him to continue to write my story, and in turn have me tell it to the world as He puts each new sentence on the page…or I can walk away and go back to living a comfortable life inside my own little bubble away from judgement, persecution, and opinions from others regarding our belief that God will give us the child He has promised. The choice is difficult because following Him and going down the path He wants me to travel is not comfortable and the story He is slowly writing is not easy for me to read to others. Nonetheless, if I want to live an abundant life filled with all of His promises, then I have to obey when He tells me to speak. I have do what He tells me to do or don’t do. I have to trust that ultimately His plan is far greater than mine and His story ends far better than the one I could ever write for myself.
Therefore, despite being at my wit’s end and feeling the sudden urge to hastily scribbled the words, “The End” on this chapter of my life and move on, I’m choosing to keep my hands off the pen and let Him finish writing the story He started in the first place. I am mustering up all my courage to say,
“Lord, I will humble myself under your mighty hand and I submit to You and Your way even though I want to break free. I trust You and will continue to wait for You to lift me up, relieve my suffering, and finish writing Your version of my story with the happy ending you have promised. May Your will, and not mine, be done.”
**This post was written on Sunday afternoon when I was probably at the lowest I have ever been since trying to conceive. However, I’m happy to report that where I was on Sunday, is not where I am today. After hours of praying and having the “ugliest cry” over what I would describe as the “ugliest chapter” of my life, God has given me the strength and renewed my hope to keep continuing on this journey and to keep shouting from the rooftops all that He is doing and going to do in my journey towards motherhood. I had no intentions of publishing this post after I wrote it since my tears have dried up and I’m feeling stronger than ever to keep going; but after thinking about it, and going back and forth with my decision, I decided that I needed to. Not only for me to look back on one day (as in some sort of diary), but I also want all my readers to know that there will be times when you feel like you are at your breaking point–when you can’t go on any longer and that’s okay. What is not okay is giving into those feelings by giving up and letting the enemy win.
It’s during these moments when you are at your breaking point that you take your eyes off your circumstances, off your body and off others opinions and put them squarely on God because only He can give you the patience, strength, joy, peace, and even motivation to keep going…keep believing….keep hoping. It is by the grace of God that I woke up on Monday morning with a smile on my face and the strength to keep telling everyone the story of how I am an enormous (not pregnant) fool believing in an amazing God who doesn’t make promises He won’t keep and who doesn’t start something He won’t finish. **
Let us not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9
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