Whew, girl!
Infertility . Is . Exhausting.
It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s overwhelming, scary, and stressful! Goodness, it’s stressful! Especially with all of the charting, timing, and planning for “intimate rendezvous,” that isn’t so…well, intimate anymore. Maybe it’s gotten more mechanical. It’s turned into business, not pleasure. And sometimes, doesn’t this journey feel lonely? Because while your husband is by your side, his mind seems elsewhere. It’s as if he is somehow sleeping through your crisis. He isn’t talking about it, and whenever you do, he doesn’t fully engage in the conversation. And him having an ugly cry and hiding underneath the covers because of another negative pregnancy test? That’s rare. Or his emotions? They are nothing like yours. And so, you can’t help but think, “Does he know how serious this is?”
And those doctor’s appointments?
Yikes!
I can see you sitting there nervously in the waiting room. Your palms are sweating—heart racing. You can’t even sit still or concentrate as a million questions and “what ifs” are racing through your mind. Fear, doubt, and worry cripple every part of your being the longer you must wait for the nurse to call your name. While anxiously waiting, you think that your husband must feel the same. However, you look over, and there he is, casually sitting in his chair, flipping through a magazine, oblivious to what is happening. While watching him seem unfazed by it all, you become angry as you think, “Does he know how serious this is?
Or what about those negative pregnancy tests? They punch you in the gut and bring you to your knees on the bathroom floor, broken and crushed. You are sobbing and screaming, “When will it end?!” But there he is, still standing. He is trying to pick you up, hold you close, and whisper hope into your ear. He tells you that it will be okay. You will be okay. Together, you will be okay, and it won’t always be this hard, this overwhelming, or this stressful. He tries to tell you there is still next month, and it just wasn’t the right time. But all you can think is, “Does he know how serious this is?”
Or those small reminders you always see while strolling through Target, sitting down for a nice steak dinner, or shopping in the mall? You see them at every turn. You see the pregnant woman with an adorable baby bump. You notice the mother smiling with her children as she tickles their bellies. You walk past the cute outfits hanging on the display, and as you see them all, tears fall from your eyes, and you feel your heartbreak. But as you grab your husband’s hand and look for the pain in his eyes, you discover that he never even noticed. Instantly, you feel alone, thinking, “Does he know how serious this is?”
But friend, can I tell you from one infertility wife to another?
He does.
He notices the baby showers you attend that hurt your soul beyond words. He sees that the doctor appointments are sometimes too much for you to bear, and the baby dedications, Mother’s Day celebrations, and other holidays, especially Christmas, cripple you to the core. He understands that the nine pregnant women you counted in Target will make you cry yourself to sleep. Or that one more negative pregnancy test might break you because it’s breaking him. And do you realize what else he is mindful of? The shame. And the embarrassment, the fear, and the disappointments. And he knows about the tears. The tears you shed and the tears he sheds when no one, including you, is looking.
And it’s all because he knows.
And he cares.
But if there is one thing I have learned throughout this journey, it is that our husbands deal with every aspect of infertility differently. They aren’t as emotional or open. They aren’t as stressed, fearful, or hopeless. It’s not because they don’t know how serious this situation is, but it’s because they understand if you both were a mess every month and curled up on the bathroom floor or pacing the hall before each doctor’s appointment, then who would be the one to pick us up when we fall? Who would calm us down and hold us tight when the doctor whispers words of defeat? Who would remind us while we are at our lowest point never to lose hope because next month might be different? And who would hold the umbrella when the grief of shattered dreams, negative pregnancy tests, and thoughts of fear come pouring down on us like an unexpected afternoon thunderstorm? Who? I will tell you. It’s him. He would…your husband…your biggest supporter…your superhero.
Because wives, he is your superhero even in the silence. Even in the awkward hugs and the band-aid words he uses to try to give you hope as he picks you up off the floor. He was born with that innate desire to “fix” what breaks, and he longs to save the day, causing you to smile again. Therefore, let him. Let him kiss you on the forehead and tell you everything is okay rather than immediately shove him away or yell at him for being so irrationally optimistic. Let him feel he is rescuing his damsel in distress because while his strategies are not the best, his heart and motives are pure.
It is his way of showing that he cares.
And he knows.
Therefore, while he is busy being your superhero, wives always remember to be busy letting him know that you think he is your superhero. Or that he is enough and completes you. It’s so easy to let our desires take over and cast a dark shadow over the blessings we already have in our lives. It’s so easy to stop making those most important to us feel as though they are just that — important, which is not uncommon. It happened with the notorious Hannah of the Bible. Her story of barrenness is in 1 Samuel and is an excellent example of how we can’t let having a child shadow our love for our husbands. In their struggle, her husband, Elkanah, asked her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” That last question stings, right? It always rocks me to the core and reminds me of how important it is to make our husbands feel that even while we don’t have children yet, the time we have together as a couple is just as important. It’s just as memorable and fulfilling. And it reminds me that they want us to see them for more than their ability to procreate.
So, to my fellow infertility wives, let’s be busy ensuring they don’t get lost in the shuffle of our charting, timing, and doctor’s appointments. Let’s stay busy enjoying the journey of just being the two of us while we are on our way to making it the three, four, or five of us.
Let’s also continually remind them daily through simple words and gestures that they are still our main squeeze, our better half, and our superheroes. And most of all, let’s extend grace to them. Grace when they don’t engage in the conversation like we would hope or ask more questions at the doctor’s office. Grace when they don’t notice the pregnant women and the new mommies overtaking the church pew. And grace when their band-aid words, gentle kisses on the forehead, and big bear hugs don’t help. Because while you think he doesn’t know the seriousness of your situation, he does. But you know what else he knows? He knows when he isn’t enough. And he knows when you don’t think of him as your superhero.
Therefore, hug him a little tighter tonight. Kiss him a little longer, dig out that first love note or photo you took together, and let it remind you why you fell in love in the first place. Because can we be gut-wrenching and honest together for just a second? What good is it to bring children, whether biological or adopted, into a family when your marriage is suffering and becoming shattered as a result of it?
With all my love,
Your friend and fellow infertility wife
My name is Elisha, and I am the founder of Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries, which first began as an infertility blog in 2013. I know the struggle of infertility and loss as me and my husband have been married for 17 years, and despite the last 12 of those years unsuccessfully being able to conceive due to PCOS. However, we continue to stay positive as we believe the Lord for a miracle. However, despite my womb remaining empty after my miscarriage in 2012, my arms have not. In 2017, my husband and I adopted a little girl, now 13, after spending 1,273 days in foster care. My mission is to share my story to inspire and breathe hope into other women facing similar circumstances.
I would love to connect with you personally, so if you liked this post, pass it on; then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!
If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who “get it,” head to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, enter into exclusive giveaways, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” and share your heart with others on the same path and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!