Waiting for Baby Bird

infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss

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On this day, 12 years ago at 10am, I stood with my toes in thousands upon thousands of grains of sand. It was surreal. The beach was called "Sugar Beach" and the island was St. Thomas. None of my family and friends were there...just us. And it was perfect. Everything about that day was perfect. Including my inexpensive ($100) dress and our wedding rings that we found on sale for less than a few hundred dollars. My hair wasn't fixed by a stylist and my make-up was the usual, but like the dress and the rings, none of it mattered. Including the flowers that were not the ones I had ordered. Or the fact that I managed to somehow mispronounce my name wrong during our vows. 🤦‍♀️ And you know what else doesn't matter? It is the fact that all of our well thought out plans for our happily ever after have yet to come true. Because on that day I had found the one my soul craved. And as long as the one whom my soul craved and still craves is by my side, my life is and will be lived happily ever after. And everything is and will still be perfect. Just like it was on that day 12 years ago with it's shattered plans, imperfections, mistakes and all. . . Happy Anniversary, @dan_kearns. You gave me butterflies in the 6th grade and you are still giving them to me today. 😍😘

Last weekend I had the honor and privilage to be the keynote speaker for "The Butterfly Walk" in downtown Vincennes, Indiana. It was an event held to remember children who left this world too soon through miscarriage and stillbirth. At the event I was able to share my own story of loss, as well as offer encouragement. However it wasn't your typical..."it's going to be okay" message... but rather one in which I said it's okay if right now, in this moment, you are not okay. Because sometimes when you are in the middle of a grieving season the last thing you need are perfectly packaged inspirational or spiritual words meant to be used as bandages to hold your wounded heart together. And even pat answers or cute quotations are too much for an empty soul to hear. This is why I chose to do neither. Instead I reminded them that this loss is not their fault. And their feelings are real. And they are valid. After all their child was a person, and as Dr. Suess once said, a person is a person no matter how small. And in my case, maybe your case, microscopically small. This is a picture of our daughter using an old camera of mine to take her own pictures of me sharing my heart. As you can see, she understood my message. She understood thats it's okay to feel your feelings. It's okay to cry it out. It's okay to be sad, frustrated and hurt. Its okay...to not be okay. Photo Credit: @alainac86

~Click On The Picture Below~

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