Our Infertility Story

Our Infertility Story

Our love story is like that straight out of a sappy, lovey dovey Hallmark movie if I do say so myself. While living in Florida during my younger and much cuter years, I met my future husband in the fifth grade and immediately thought he was dorky. He waved his hands to classical music after lunch, wore turtle necks almost every day, and kept his hair swooped to the side. But by the sixth grade, cupid hit me with his arrow and his solid colored turtle necks and dorky personality made him the boy of my dreams. We never had the chance to become high school or college sweet hearts because after my eighth grade year, my Dad and Mom moved me and older my brother to Illinois in order to be closer to family.  However despite the miles between us, we still kept in touch occasionally by chatting on Yahoo Messenger (old school) or sending the occasional letter (seriously old school).  As years passed, I always thought he was cute.  I always thought he was sweet and I always knew he would make an amazing husband to a very lucky lady; I just never thought that lucky lady would be me.

wedding on rockOn August 17th, 2006, after only six short months of long distance dating in college, my sixth grade boyfriend and I said our “I do’s” on the beautiful sandy beaches of the U.S. Virgin Islands.  Money was tight but we made our first home in a cramped 475 square foot apartment.  We were packed in like sardines and there was little room to be adding babies, but my free six month supply of birth control had run out and I decided to take my chances.  But you know, instead of a pregnancy or even the scare of pregnancy, I received irregular menstrual cycles, 15 extra pounds, profuse sweating, excessive hair growth on my face (and well, all over), and crazy hormonal mood swings!  And did I mention this all happened within three short months? I felt like a one woman freak show at the circus!  I realize looking back that I should have visited a doctor or at the very least Dr. Google, but I didn’t.  And I told no one. Instead, I made every excuse–too many helpings of Hamburger helper-…too much stress…ust getting older…yada, yada, yada…

However, three years later, in the spring of 2010, while sitting on the couch, I watched an episode of Oprah featuring Dr. Oz (I miss her shows!) and he was discussing the symptoms of a disease called Polyscysitc Ovarian Syndrome and as I sat there on the couch, I realized that I had every. single. symptom.

And I realized at that point that I couldn’t shove my symptoms underneath the rug any longer, especially since the dream of having babies was now on my brain and birthed in my heart.

I remember the moment I sat in my ob/gyn’s office.  I was scared.  I remember my palms sweating and my voice shaking as I described to her my symptoms.  She was so sweet and listened to every concern before immediately ordering an ultrasound (which I later found out was not going to be jelly on the belly…awkward) and blood work in order to see if PCOS was indeed the culprit for my star performance at the circus.  Unfortunately, the tests revealed that not only did I have PCOS, but it was severe. I will never forget sitting in her cozy office with the calmness of the dim lighting and beautiful decor all around me.  And I will never forget going in out of a daze as I heard her count the number of cysts on each ovary….1…2….4….8….12…

I have never felt so alone as tears streamed down my face.  And I never felt so hopeless as she put her hand over mine and talked about the very real possibility that I may never conceive naturally.  Or that there was the likelihood I might need to have my ovaries removed in the near future.  I can still feel the heartache of that day like it was yesterday. And I can still remember driving home from her office thinking about how I had always dreamed of having a family. And how that dream?  Well, it might always be just that…a dream.

As I got home with red eyes and a puffy face, I threw the fertility specialist pamphlets she had kindly given me in a dresser drawer and decided I would give myself five months before pursing that route.  Hoping to not need the number on the beautifully printed pamphlet, I did everything I could in order to create a ‘mini me’ on my own. I ate healthy, peed on expensive ovulation predication sticks, shoved pillows underneath my tush and kicked my legs up after ‘whoopie’.  But as May, June, July, August and September whizzed by and all I had to show for it was a tear soaked pillow, I decided it was time to call the number on the pamphlet I had secretly kept hidden in a drawer.

In October of 2011, after meeting with the doctor whom I was convinced would give me my miracle, my husband was also tested.  I hated it for him.  I was scared of what might be.  Could we both have a problem?  Could it not just be me, but also him?  But according to the nurse, all was well as he had a “very strong army of soldiers.”  I remember getting off the phone with her that afternoon and while thinking I should be relieved and thankful everything with him looked great, I wasn’t.  Instead, I found myself depressed as I realized all of the problems were a result of me. And all of the weight of those problems?  They rested firmly on my shoulders.  Because to me, it was completely my fault we couldn’t say “three” while waiting for a table at a restaurant.  It was my fault we still had empty bedrooms. It was my fault he had no one to call him “Daddy.”  It was my fault…

And so what does anyone do when they have faults?  They try to fix them.  Which is what I did.  And I did so in the form of fertility treatments.  The ones that included thousands of dollars worth of daily shots, blood work several times a week, and vaginal ultrasounds that made me feel shameful and embarrassed.  However despite all of my valiant efforts, I was not pregnant after our first treatment cycle of using “timed intercourse”; nor was I lucky on our second.  I had never been more frustrated because I thought the medicine I had been injecting each afternoon into my stomach had “fixed” the issue.  Thousands of dollars had been wasted and time was ticking louder than ever  as my doctor suggested it was time for the big guns.  It was time for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).  I wasn’t ready for the big guns.  I wasn’t ready to pursue this avenue.  At least not yet.  But while sitting at his consultation table, he was able to sell it to me like a good used car salesman.  He had me convinced the only way I would conceive a child was through this expensive and emotionally costly procedure.

When I prayed, I would ask God to bless me with a child, but my confidence rested in the doctors ability, not God’s ability. 

Within a couple of weeks of buying into his sales pitch, I found myself acting like a drug addict as I injected myself with five different shots a day in order to create as many mature follicles as possible.  And on May 3rd, 2012, my pain and suffering of infertility only increased as I went into surgery.  I had 24 eggs removed.  Which is a great number!  But because of the high number of eggs that matured, I developed the dreaded and all fearing Ovarian Hyper-stimulation.  Let me say, it was awful!  I literally gained over nine pounds of fluid in less than 48 hours.  I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t roll over.  I couldn’t eat.  And can we just be real for a sec?  I couldn’t didn’t want to poop.  Or pee.  I.Was.Miserable.

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As a result, the doctors put me on a strict fluid only diet that consisted of nasty V8 juice, Gatorade, and chicken broth.  The idea was to get as much sodium as possible into my system in order to flush out the fluid leaking from my ovaries.  It was the worst experience of my life and to this day I cannot even look at a can of V8 juice or swallow even a tablespoon of Gatorade without gagging.

But on Thursday May 17th, all the pain and suffering was a distant memory as I sat in the parking lot of Taco Tierra listening to the nurse tell me over the phone, “Congratulations! You’re a Mom!”.  I will never forget that moment.  I will never forget the first tear that fell from my face and hit my legs.  Or the second I instinctively rubbed my belly.  I will never forget her voice calling me “mom.”  Or when I whispered to my lil duckling(s) that I loved them more than they would ever know.  I will never forget making the promise that I would do everything and anything in my power to protect them as they journeyed through life.

And I will never forget how I then dashed to Wal-Mart, Hobby Lobby, and Micheal’s..  Because the surprise pregnancy announcement I had pinned on pinterest just months earlier was finally being executed.  And that “Daddy Doody Kit” I thought was adorable?  I now needed to make.  I will never forget rushing from store to store.  And then rushing home.  And then watching my hands shake as I frantically put together his gift.  I was so anxious and excited to surprise him with the news that I was finally expecting…we were finally going to be parents.

The moments leading up to him pulling in the driveway were some of the worst!  The anticipation almost sent me into a hard attack.  And the excitement I had almost gave it away.  But after a few deep breaths, I calmly met him in the front yard with an oven rack in my hand.  He looked puzzled and asked what I broke.  I giggled before telling him that I had been cleaning and that I couldn’t get the rack back in the oven…(I know cheesy!  But it’s all I could think of)  And so feeling like superman, he took the rack from my hands, walked inside like a boss, opened the oven door…

Do you see that smile?  Look at those eyes!  Man, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment in time.  We hugged for what seemed like forever.  And that evening we discussed nursery ideas,.  We talked about due dates and  names.  And we rubbed my belly as we made bets on whether there were one or two wiggling inside of me.  I can’t even type this story without tears streaming down my face.   Because it truly was one of the happiest days of my life.  And a day I never want to forget.

But the day I do want to forget?  The one I can’t seem to erase no matter how hard I try?  Is the one that occurred two short days later.  Because just three hours after having my second beta drawn, I received the phone call that would change my life forever.  It would be the one that afterwards, would have me stuck in bed for days.  And rendered hopeless.  Have you ever had one of those?  The kind that you can still hear ring in your head?  You can still hear the voice on the other end?  Or the exact place you were when you answered?  I can.

We were crossing the Wabash Bridge when it rang and I heard the nurse say, “I’m sorry but your numbers have actually dropped.”  I was looking over into the waters when I responded with,“Oh they have…?”  And we were getting off the bridge when she asked that I come back on Monday for another blood test.  I don’t remember much else of our conversation other than hearing her use the words, “miscarriage” and “heavy bleeding in the coming days.”  Because from the moment I heard her voice, everything, including the days after, became a blur.

But I do remember that in my heartache, I came home, threw away the “Daddy Doody Kit“, tossed the positive pregnancy tests in the trash, quit talking about nursery ideas, and crawled into bed and wept.  My spirit and soul was crushed as I was unable to keep my promise to always protect.

The following day I managed to get up, get dressed and go to church; but I cried all the way there, all the way through worship, and all the way home.  My mind couldn’t stop racing as I planned out my next steps and when I could start the process of IVF again; but as the wheels were turning in my head, I heard God’s still small voice whisper in my heart.  He said to stop treatments and quit taking medications because He would give me a son and I was to name him Josiah.

At that moment, I realized my emotions had gotten the best of me and I was officially nuts.  Was it really God’s voice giving me a direct promise with an attached name?  What kind of name was Josiah anyway?!  Once home, I immediately rushed through our front door, sat down at the computer and asked Google for the meaning of the name “Josiah”.  I had decided that if the meaning was less than significant, I would chalk this “whisper” that I heard in my heart, as nothing more than just my imagination running wild.  But as I anxiously awaited, the results began appearing on my browser and I learned the name Josiah means “Jehovah healed.”  I began sobbing uncontrollably as I realized it wasn’t my imagination and I wasn’t (totally) crazy…

Later that week and still on cloud nine from hearing such a significant promise from God, I decided go ahead to my doctor’s “follow-up” appointment.  I didn’t go because I wanted to start the IVF process again, but rather because I was curious as a cat and wanted to know what went wrong.  Was it me?  Was it the hubs?  Was it bad luck?  I will never forget sitting in the small room with tears welling up inside my eyes as he told me my eggs were that of a 60-year-old woman and because of their AARP status, they had too many chromosome abnormalities. He ended our meeting giving me less than a three percent chance of ever conceiving on my own, but despite the devastating news, I held onto God’s promise as I shook his hand and walked out of his office door.  I knew that God is bigger than PCOS and through Jesus, I have a 100 percent chance of conceiving on my own.

However despite my faith, this journey has made me question myself and God more times than I can count.  I don’t go hours, but sometimes days thinking I must have made up the name “Josiah.”  But thankfully God doesn’t let me sit in my doubtful thoughts long.  Because He has always been faithful to send me someone with a word of encouragement to help me press on.  And to help me trust in Him.  And to never lose faith that He is not only a promise maker, but a promise keeper.

For instance in April 2013, while sitting in an all women’s church service, another lady (who did not know me) came over and began praying for my womb.  She didn’t know I was infertile. She didn’t know about my miscarriage.  And she didn’t know about Josiah.  But in the middle of her prayer, she stopped.  And with such authority and enthusiasm, she blurted, “God said you will have a son!” As you can imagine, the tears began to flow.  And the strength to keep hoping, to keep believing, and to keep waiting was restored.

Friends, it has been roughly 35 months l since I originally heard the Lord speak to me about Josiah.  It’s been 35 months since I felt the strong nudge by the Holy Spirit to not seek further fertility treatments.  It’s been 35 long months.  Because even despite the reassuring words He has spoken through others?  And my faith in Him?  It still hasn’t been easy keeping a joyful, and confident expectation. It hasn’t been easy forgoing my plans for His.  It hasn’t been easy watching everyone around me announce their pregnancy news using methods and medications doctors recommend I should try.  It hasn’t been easy sitting and waiting. But I will continue to wait.  And I will do so patiently.  Because He who promised is faithful.

“The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity–in the fruit of your womb…” ~Deuteronomy 28:11

I hope that through this blog you find hope, encouragement, inspiration, faith, and laughter as I share with you my journey.  In this teeny tiny ol’ space of mine, you will not only find the roses, but also the thorns as I try to be transparent in sharing not just the happy and hopeful moments, but also the ones filled with despair.   I understand that not everyone’s journey towards parenthood will look the same, but this is my story of a tale of two love birds trusting in God and waiting for our baby bird.

With Love


I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on and then click here to find waiting for baby bird on Facebook.  But don’t stop there!  Because you can also find me on instagram at @waitingforbabybird.  I seriously can’t wait to “meet” you!

235 thoughts on “Our Infertility Story

    • You are truly blessed because I would give anything to be able to give my husband our first pregnancy announcement. We have been trying for almost 8 years, but no announcement. Don’t give up!!! Remember, with God, all things are possible!!!

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  1. God is faithful! Please keep believing I waited 10 Years and The Lord blessed us with 3 kids! contact me if you would like to hear my testermony! Julia Sister in Christ

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  2. I know it is totally God’s perfect timing that I found your blog. You speak the words my heart feels. Thank you for your honesty and your encouragement. We have been trying to get pregnant for about 3 years and this last year has been the hardest for me. I am now SLOWLY learning to ask God how He can change me in this situation and not just to change the situation! Knowing that other women feel the exact same way I do is such an encouragement because I have felt so alone and isolated. God gave me a word a few months ago (after I BEGGED for one!): Wait. Not a yes, not a no…but a “wait”. Ooooooh man. I was encouraged for like, uh, a day. Thanks for speaking God! But could I have something more specific please?! Then back to hopelessness. Your story has reminded me that When HE speaks He MEANS it! Praise God!! I will wait on His perfect, glorious, amazing will and hopefully, be changed.

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    • Hey, girl! I am so thankful that my story has encouraged you today! Because it is so tough to wait, isn’t it! We live in a society that wants everything now…but that’s not how God works. I find comfort in knowing that He is good and His plans and purpose is perfect. Lots of hugs to you! You are not alone! I look forward to hearing from you again 🙂

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  3. Your story is SO inspiring and gives me hope. We, like you, have recieved a promise from God that we will have a son and he is to be called Isaiah. We have been given words to expect him and that we will have a quiver full of children. I am amazed at God’s provision with a message from, like you, someone who doesn’t even know me at just the right time. I still struggle with what to do in the here and now. We have done 2 IUI cycles which have both failed and have been “trying” for 2 1/2 years now. The doctor wants us to do IVF as our next step, but we are hesitant. We don’t know if we should simply wait on the Lord or use the medicine he has provided. I wish I could just hear in an audible voice what our next step would be. I will be praying for you as we continue on this pregnancy journey! Someday we will both be mommas – so glad you haven’t lost heart. You definitely gave me some much needed encouragement today ❤

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  4. Your faith is so inspiring! We too are on a journey of waiting…We know God is writing our story and that He will give us a baby…even though sometimes doubt wants to cloud out every possible chance of sun, but I always hold onto the truth that if we keep shining those clouds will just make Beautiful rays for others to witness His power. I saw you have a foster daughter…. God led us into fostercare a year ago.. excited to follow your blog 🙂 check out my blog for our story..

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  5. I want you to know that you have such a beautiful heart and I am so blessed to have found your blog to help me during my own journey to finding my baby bird. So many of your posts hit home for me through my own journey. We have recently found hope with a NaPro Technology Dr and Surgeon. We are prayerfully hopeful that this is our answer. Again, I love your beautiful heart and honest posts 🙂

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    • Praying this new doctor is what you need. A friend of mine began seeing one in st.louis and after starting a special supplement she was pregnant within a month. This same result is what I pray for you as well. Xoxo

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  6. Your story brings me right back to our 7 year infertility struggle. I feel your pain with my whole heart because I was there – we were right there, only a few short months ago. With a 0.5% chance of ever conceiving on our own – a true miracle occurred when we found out I was pregnant with our daughter in January 2015. Unlike two prior pregnancies that were lost, this little one managed the unthinkable and is now safely here in our arms. She is a balm for our heartache. Infertility has also given us many gifts – most importantly, gratitude. There isn’t a single moment of a day that goes by (challenging or not!) that I can’t stop and reflect on our gratitude to God for bringing us our daughter. I sincerely hope and pray that your miracle baby is coming to you soon!!

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  7. Ladies, I know it’s a difficult struggle to endure. My husband and I just celebrated our 13th anniversary, and have been trying for a baby for 12 years, with no success:(. I can’t even begin to explain the pain that brings, so I won’t even try. I chimed in to tell you that lately, a spirit of praise came over me to thank God in advance for my baby. After all, he is the same one who performed all of the miracles we see in the bible. They are not just stories for our entertainment; these are things tat have actually taken place with real people like us! What’s infertility to someone who can part the Red Sea, multiply food when there’s not enough, and raise the dead back to life? Nothing!!! He is God. He has a plan. He knows what He is doing, so let’s praise him in advance!!!!!!!

    Best wishes to you all!

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    • You are absolutely right, and I have recently come to the same conclusion! My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, but we haven’t given up hope! I know that God will bless all of us with our children, and we will all rejoice, to His glory!!!

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story! It just lifts my load a little when I realize there is someone else who is going through and feeling the same things I am! This is a lonely path to walk down but God keeps reminding me that He hasn’t forgotten about me and that He’s still working on it! When it does happen it will be more beautiful than we could have ever imagined! ❤

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  9. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. My story though different from yours, is very much the same. I sobbed through different parts of your story where I could literally remember those moments in my own life so very much the same as you described them. The uncertainty, the excitement, the grasping to hold on to hope, the days where you feel like all hope is gone, and then the moment when it feels like God touches you and fills you with strength and hope to carry on. My 8 year journey of waiting is still in process. I am so thankful to God for all He has taught me and continues to teach me on this journey. Thank you for sharing the raw details of your journey. It has encouraged me to continue holding on to hope.

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  10. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes life may be so tricky! And we all must fide for our happiness. I started trying to get pregnant when I was 23. I didn’t get pregnant until I was 28. And that was with the help with IVF. We use such service in Ukrainian clinic. At first I was a bit scared to travel so far from home. But desire to have a little angel in my life forced me to act. Clinic gave me all the kind of services. Food, accommodation, transfers. I chose package with countless attempts to reached desirable result 100% sure. I paid ones fixed sum. And focus on mantras to become a mother. I got pregnant after second attempt. Daughter is my second sunshine. So my advice is don’t give up everything is possible.

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  11. Your faith is truly Inspiring. The journey to conceive has been the most difficult thing I have ever went through. My husband and I have been trying for 38 months now, with no luck. We have one more cycle before the doctor wants us to stop for 6 months. I just knew this would be the month and I would be able to tell my husband with a present wrapped under the tree, but once again all I had was a negative pregnancy test. But like you I put my faith in God he is bigger than all of these things and without faith I don’t think I could get up each day and keep moving. God is in control and I pray that he blesses all of us struggling with a child and if not he is still good!

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  12. Hello! In the last few weeks I have came across your Facebook page, but to be honest, was reluctant to read because of what I might find. Many words, that I have read or that have been spoken to me have ended with the person’s journey to adoption. That is fine, but discouraging, for that is not the direction my Husband and I have been led to go from the Lord. Today I took a leap of faith and read your story. Girl! As I read and you describe your emotion, it’s like I’m reading my story and my emotions. When my Husband and I began our faith walk 7 years ago, I wasn’t able to find encouraging testimonies. Since then I’ve found a few and your’s is differently one I’ll hold on to and continue to follow. It’s been so encouraging to read someone else’s story where they are waiting on the Lord. It’s hard to find encouragement for this kind of faith walk and I appreciate you opening yourself up and being transparent. I don’t think it a coincidence that I have come across your page. I will be praying for you and the many others I have seen on your page. Thank you.

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    • Whew, girl! I am so glad you took that plunge and read my story! While I LOVE adoption, I also do not feel called to pursue it 🙂 I do have a foster princess but it wasn’t because I was a foster parent or seeking to foster; it kind of just landed in my lap. That’s a long story for another day. hehe! I am here if you ever need to talk! xo

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I found your blog earlier today.
    My husband and I have a similar story.
    I had been on birth control for 10 years, since I was about 15 to treat irregular cycles. I had no idea then that it could mean trouble when I did want to have children.
    After about a year of marriage I went to my OB/GYN and explained that I had stopped the pill because we would like to have a child, but told the doctor my cycles had always been irregular and I hadn’t had one in several months.

    So almost a year after that of tests, blood work, ultrasounds, more birth control pills, I started Metformin and Clomid to treat my PCOS.
    I have been on treatments for 3 months with no response. It has been very disappointing.

    In church yesterday we were learning about God’s plan for your family. And before you decide to make your own plan by marrying someone, moving away, having a baby, etc. you need to consult God. And BOOM just like that God told me to stop fertility treatment. Without an explanation of His plan, or why or when. I feel it in my heart that this is a true message from God, but in my head I want to deny it. I want to continue treatment, but am scared there will be consequences for not obeying.

    So here I am today,wondering if anyone else has gotten this message from Him?

    Thank you, I feel empowered by reading your story there are other women experiencing the same thing thing as me, that have decided to obey God.

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    • Wow! I totally think God led you to my blog for a reason. I will personally say that your mind will try to play tricks on you but you go with what you believe God said. He is faithful to His word. I often pray to Him if there is any change but so far there hasn’t been. So sugars, keep praying. Because it just might be for a season that He wants you to stop. I am always here for you! xo

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  14. I absolutely LOVE that god puts people in our paths right when we need them. We had twins naturally 11 years ago and have fought the last few years with secondary infertility. I am tired and feel like am on a out of control roller coaster. I have questioned God so many times and screamed asking why. I have been ready to throw in the towel , felt so alone and then someone shared your post on FB , it was like a breath of fresh air.

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  15. Thank you so much for sharing. Your “it is what it is” post might as well have been me that wrote it. You were able to form the words that I just can’t seem to say.

    I have only told 2 other people this but one church service in the fall of 2015 I was talking to God frustrated that our 10th insemination had not worked. I was broken and felt like He didnt hear me. At that very moment in my pastor’s sermon he was speaking and said the words “this time next year you will have a son”. It brought me out of the conversation I was having in my head with God. I instantly asked if that was for me and the pastor repeated the phrase. I thought I was crazy. There’s no way God spoke to me but I just knew He was. That gave me so much hope and excitement to see how He would play it out. Then month after month after month there was nothing but disappointment. This last fall came and went but the only pregnancy announcement was from my sister in law. I love her dearly and am excited to welcome my nephew into the world but at the same time I keep thinking it was supposed to be me.
    I’m thankful I came across your blog at just the time I needed to know I’m not alone. I’m praying for blessings for you and your hubby.

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