I Prayed Against the Miscarriage, but It Still Happened

{Warning: What you are about to read comes straight from my journal; it is the one in which I write letters to God. This is one I would never have wanted someone to find and read, but yet here I am typing it out for the world to pick apart and judge me for. We all have moments of doubt; this is mine. I share because I know that I can’t be the only one who struggles when prayers go unanswered. So, for you, the one who might also be struggling, may you not feel alone. And may you find hope in the transparency of my words that have poured from my wounded and doubting, yet restored heart.}

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Poppa God?

Today is hard. I’m struggling to understand. I pray and it doesn’t seem as though my prayers matter or if they are being heard. I know that it’s not You because I do believe that Your word does not return void. So, what is it about me?

I want to have an effective prayer life.

I want to see results when I pray.

Help me today, Poppa.

{minutes seem to pass}

Is this prayer I am even praying reaching Your ears?

I ask because sometimes when I pray, I feel as though I am playing the lottery–maybe You will answer and maybe You won’t.This mind set is obviously because of past disappointment. For instance, Jessica? You know her. She experienced another miscarriage. ANOTHER ONE, Lord! We prayed. She FOR SURE prayed. Why did this happen?

After experiencing something like this it’s difficult for me (and them) to come to You knowing in confidence that You hear and will answer according to Your word; which says in Exodus 23:25-26 that none will miscarry or be barren.

I’ll admit; sometimes I understand why my prayers aren’t answered because it’s matter of my own preference and will; like that new truck I want my husband to have or the snowfall I wish would happen. But when I pray according to Your word and see the opposite? How can I reconcile with that? How can I walk on stage at infertility conferences and with confidence tell the women that You are not a man that You should lie? Or change Your mind? And how can I say with boldness that when You speak, You act. And when you promise, You always fulfill (Numbers 23:19)? Because not only do I see promises unfulfilled, but many also appear broken.

It hurts my heart to even write that because I know better. My heart and mind seem to be in a tug of war and I’m sorry for these thoughts, however I know that you would rather me come to You with my questions, then run away from You in anger with my doubts. I know that it is here, in this moment, my heart can be healed and my faith restored.

“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God.

Give me relief from my distress;

be merciful to me and hear my prayer.” Psalm 4:1

{More time passes by in silence}

I have heard it explained that praying is as simple as breathing, but with the many unanswered prayers and the prayers that didn’t go according to Your word, I feel as though I am gasping for air. Right now, even as I pray, I question what will come of it. I want to have a confident heart when we talk. I want to live in the security of Your promises, but right now, I am sitting in the shadow of my doubts. However I know that just like a shadow forms because a person has turned away from the light, I must stop turning away from You–the One who is light. And the One who is the definition of love.

I know that even in the pain and the questions I can’t lower my theology of who You are to the level of mine (or anyone’s) circumstances. After all, my eyes and my feelings lie. And they don’t see the whole Truth.

Therefore, despite what I see, and what I feel, I must lean on what I believe to be true about You. But help me in my unbelief. Help me to find confidence in You again. I want to dive into your heart today so that in return, I can have a confident heart. A heart that believes when I pray, You will not only hear, but answer.

Let this moment be the last moment that the pricks of disappointment cause me to pull back on the reigns of faith.

Instead, may my spirit rise as I give You a sacrifice of praise. Let my soul declare that even when my circumstances are not good, You are still good. I may not understand why it happened, but because it happened I do understand it is why I need You. Therefore, I won’t turn my back, but I will continue to praise. And I will continue to pray. And I will continue to put my hope in You. For I know that in all things You work for the good of those who love You, who are called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28). I don’t know what good could come from this, but I lean not on my own understanding.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart.” Luke 18:1

My thoughts weeks after writing the above in my journal:

Sickness, death and miscarriage were never a part of God’s plan when He formed us and the Earth. I may never know on this side of heaven why things work out the way they do, but I will still declare He is the same yesterday, today and forever and His plans for life and light…not death and darkness is still His heart.

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