My morning alarm goes off and I stumble out of bed and into the kitchen. I make myself a cup of coffee and retreat to my office to check my email. The first message I see, and open, is from another infertility sister. I do not know her personally, but as she begins telling me her story and thanking me for the hope she has found through mine, I feel a punch in my gut.
Weird, right?
After all, she is thanking me for the encouragement I have brought her while waiting for my miracle, therefore why would I feel the wind get knocked out of me? I’ll tell you why, but it’s not easy. Nor is it pretty. In fact, it’s ugly as it makes me exposed and vulnerable. But I realize by exposing my weaknesses, it might also bring relief to another as it brings them comfort to know that the feelings they might have, even if momentarily, are normal. So here it goes…
That punch, that slight gasp of air, it came because within her testimony she shared how three weeks prior, after fighting infertility for two years, she surrendered her situation over to God. And that’s awesome, right? In my head, I had brisk hand claps going strong and loud, but then the hand clapping came to a sudden stop when I continued to read how exactly three weeks after her “ah-ha moment of surrender,” she found herself miraculously staring at two precious pink lines. The same two pink lines I have been longing for. And friends, that’s when I felt the punch. Because, that was hard to read. It was hard because I have been surrendering to God my situation…my desire…my pursuits…every day for years, and yet I am still waiting for my breakthrough…my miracle.
And here she is, three weeks later, pregnant. And I am not.
But it doesn’t stop.
Two more weeks pass by and the same routine transpires. I get up. Stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of coffee and then proceed to nestle myself down within my comfy chair to check my email. After deleting the spam, and flagging the important ones to read later, I come across one in particular with the subject line that said, “My first prayer!” Intrigued, I quickly open it up and begin reading a story from a woman whom I have never had contact with before. She mentioned how she occasionally reads my blogs and felt as though I was a joke…my faith was a joke…and my belief in prayer was a joke. However, despite her unbelief, she decided “to give this prayer thing a shot” as she prayed her first prayer in nearly 12 years right before her 7th IUI. I was excited to hear that perhaps I inspired her to believe in prayer and the power of God, that is until I kept reading and learned it worked. To be transparent, I couldn’t believe it. Not necessarily the IUI, but the prayer. I know, not my proudest moment or thought, but I couldn’t help it. Because I pray. In fact, I have eaten more carpet fibers at the altar while praying, yet I am still waiting…. waiting for my breakthrough…my miracle.
Yet, here she is, pregnant after only one prayer. And I am not, after many.
It’s so easy for me to allow my heart to become tangled with thoughts that I am not doing enough. My faith is not enough. Or that I haven’t surrendered enough. It’s easy for me to see their “yes” as God telling me “no”. Or that my prayers are being ignored. And oh, how quick it is for me to go down the rabbit hole with thoughts that it’s because I am being punished for past sin. Or I am refused healing because it’s only for her…or him…but not for me.
And maybe you too? Perhaps you have hurled silent screams at another woman who is pregnant…while you still wait.
If so can I speak Truth to your heart? Truth that I often need to hear myself? The woman who surrendered, and the one who said her first prayer, neither of them are better than me; nor did they get God’s attention first. It’s simply this: His plan for each of our lives are different…and with that comes a different timeline. Because their future child…my future child…and even your future child…they all have a divine purpose. And with that comes bringing them into the world at just the right moment in order to fulfill that important role already set aside in history.
Just think, if Zechariah and Elizabeth, whom the New Testament says were old and barren (Luke 1:5-25), had their prayers answered when they wanted, they would have just had John. But God had a different plan. A better plan. And that was to give them more than just a John, but a John the Baptist. A son who would pave the way for Jesus.
Friend, if you are like me, and have become envious toward another woman who is standing in the promise that you so desperately desire for your life, don’t fall into the enemy’s trap. For he wants you to believe that God will not say, or give, or provide for you too. He will also want you to become jealous of the way God has brought breakthrough into someone else’s life. Therefore wanting you to think how it is unfair about the fact that they might have had a quick success, seemingly without effort, while you have to struggle and suffer. But God is not a respecter of persons (Romans 2:11).
Part of overcoming the obstacle of envy and jealousy, is trusting that God’s plan for each of is perfect. It might not seem fair at times, He might seem as though He is slower to act with some than with others, but God does know what He is doing. And He has an endless supply of love, power, mercy and grace to heal each of our bodies, and fulfill the dreams He has specifically placed within each of our hearts. I want you to believe that. Because if you do, then the enemy of your soul will be defeated. His mission is to steal, kill and destroy your hope, your dreams, and your future (John 10:10).
Therefore, the question becomes this: what are you going to do? When you want to hurl silent screams at another woman, are you going to allow these moments to make you bitter or better? To increase your faith or tear it down?
Together, let’s make the choice when we see someone else receive the gift we have been earnestly praying for help build our hope, challenge our faith, and believe that if God desires to bless them, then we can be certain He desires to not just bless us, but bless us according to His word; which is to give each of us exceedingly above all we could ever hope for, dream of, or begin to imagine (Eph. 3:20). You can think of it like this: perhaps the miracle you have been praying for, God has a bigger one in store. Because while you might be praying for a John, He has a John the Baptist waiting instead.
“For God does not show favoritism.” Romans 2:11
“Then Peter replied, “I see very clearly that God shows no favoritism.” Acts 10:34
“The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we ask or think, according to the power that works in us” Ephesians 3:20
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Oh this was so good and needed right now. This post will be my daily affirmation! I’m going through exactly everything in this post right now. Best friend is pregnant and doesn’t want to be. 2 people at work who I bonded with off of our similar infertility issues are due in about 2 months…but I’m waiting on the Lord with all my heart!
Praying for you and asking for your arms to be filled SOON! ❤
Thank you for the word. It was much needed.
God I needed to read this. A couple of announcements in the last two weeks and another in the last hour. Everything you wrote I’ve felt. Thank you so much for sharing this. ❤️😘
I am so sorry for your heartache, Diana! Praying for you now
I desperately needed this article. After 8 years of my own infertility struggle, I got my first ever positive test with an August due date, only to miscarry. After years of feeling like a useless woman and dealing with the accompanying depression, crippling at times, I thought my dreams were finally coming true. The last few weeks have been rough. Since my miscarriage, 3 of my friends have come forward with their own pregnancies, also due in August. Each one was a kick in the gut when I found out. While I am truly happy for them, I won’t lie that I didn’t go to the bathroom as soon as I could to have a cry. I keep questioning if my pregnancy was a fluke; something to make me feel content for the first time in so long only to be ripped away. I’m still mourning the loss of my dream, but your words helped heal my soul a little. Thank you.
Oh, Jennifer! I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are not alone in your pain. I am praying for you tonight…healing of your heart and your womb. May the love of the Father overwhelm you right now so that peace washes over you. Xo
Jennifer,
I recently miscarried a few weeks ago. I was due in September. I wish I were still pregnant because I had an idea of what was going to happen, etc. I was supposed to go for my first ultrasound yesterday and that day just gloomed over. My doctor thinks I need to wait to get pregnant until my anxiety is controlled but truth is, it will never be controlled. The thought that I could have caused it because my my anxiety is heartbreaking. I am stuck and I am only getting older…. I wanted that baby. 🙁
Thank you for sharing this! My husband and I have been married 10 years this March…we are still waiting and trying for a baby with no success. I am tired and struggling to hold on to my hope and faith in God’s plan. Just being honest. Nevertheless I haven’t given up but it is really hard everyday to see yet another pregnancy announcement when I so desperately want to start my family.
Praying for you! I know how hard it is to hold on but when you know His character (and I am sure you do) then it makes it easier. xo
Thank you so much for sharing! I really needed this today. My sister in law, who lives out of state, is pregnant and starting to show. My husband and I will be going to see his out of state family tomorrow and she will be there. And now instead of thinking why her, I can think God has something so much better in store for our lives! ❤️
YES! Amen! Her success does not equal your failure! God is not a respecter of persons and He has so much planned specifically for YOU!
This hit me in the gut. I needed this. After 5 years of infertility, I rec’d my first positive back in November, but we lost the baby the week before Christmas. My heart is still so broken and I too struggle with this. Thank you for this. ❤️
I am so, so sorry for your loss 🙁
Wow I needed this!!! Thank you for sharing so openly and for putting into words exactly how I feel.
Oh, sugars! You are so welcome. I am so thankful this encouraged your heart. I just stopped to pray for you also.
Yes! The line about hurling insults at pregnant women really spoke to me. I used to see pregnant women in grocery stores or at restaurants and curse them. I’d think, “Why them, and why not me?” I had so much pent up anger about it. Beautiful post.
Just what i needed to hear. In HIS perfect time. Willing to wait for my miracle.
❤❤❤
I needed to read this so much! The Lord has been blessing many friends and family with little ones, but my husband and I are still waiting on His perfect timing. One of my friends and I were just talking about our struggles to be happy for those expectant mamas. We decided to start praying for each other and that has helped so much. Then I come across your Facebook page and this blog. It is such a blessing. I cannot wait to share this with my friend!
Elisha, thank you for sharing this. It truly is a moment to moment struggle at times. At some of my darkest points during my infertility, I have felt such scorn when people assure me that Jesus understands all our struggles because he became human. “Well he didn’t become a human woman with uncooperative ovaries, did he?” I would think. What finally reached me was a part of the Hannah’s Hope book which talked about how God desired me and you to be his adopted children so desperately that he was willing to sacrifice his son. Remembering God’s anguish that we were all meant to be his children but separated ourselves from him, that really gets me. And to think of how much he still weeps over the billions who reject him. I don’t know why babies end up in the wombs they do, but I know God does understand my desire and my anguish.
I recently had a miscarriage and then a few days later, my sister found out she was pregnant. I was not happy at all for her. I felt miserable. She found out she was pregnant when I had my D&C. I still cannot get over this. I am still in the process of thinking I should be pregnant and I look at her and it is just a constant reminder of what could have been. While I do have a healthy child, and this is her first one — everyone is on her side and no one really comfort me. Everyone was excited for her and everyone told me it happens, and that if it is suppose to happen, I will get pregnant again.
To top it off, my SIL mentions she is pregnant and due around my sister’s due date. My husband said oh, so-and-so is pregnant and due as well during that time.
I hurt, I hurt and there really is no clarity anymore it seems.
I am also dealing with another issue that I have been dealing with my WHOLE life. I just want to cry.
Just found your blog through a friend. Looking forward to some encouraging words and scriptures to help keep my mind in a better place. This month is month 53 of waiting for our baby bird. The first two years were tough, it’s gotten better. But I still have my bad months… this is one of them. Trying to limit my social media use, which has skyrocketed because of the quarantine of course! 😅 keep the faith, trust His plan!
Oh precious Daughter of the King , these words resonate so much with my heart , I have felt like this over and over again but the idea of John the baptist is confirmation for me and reminds me of the story of Esther, she was Born for such a time as this. I am turning 43 tommorow, been trying to conceive for almost 9 years and I was saying to my husband , the greatest gift would be to receive news that I am pregnant , one thing I started doing a couple of months ago is taking frankincense blended oil and rubbing it over my womb and speaking life into my womb no matter how I feel , the Lord says life and death lie in the power of the tongue and he led me to a beautiful medical book that I would love to share with you written by a South African Doctor which covers the physical and spiritual which has opened up things in my life that has been hidden spiritually which has affected me physically. BLESSINGS Judy
https://free2meebooks.wordpress.com/portfolio/healing-begins-with-sanctification-of-the-heart-4th-edition/ this is the book I spoke of in my comments , you can download for free .