Waiting for Baby Bird

When the Negative Pregnancy Test Knocks You Down

When trying (and trying and trying) to grow your family a negative pregnancy test can knock you down, am I right? And sometimes when you get knocked down it’s tempting to not get back up. However not in the sense of going through life, but rather in terms of hoping, praying and believing again; especially in the area that God is for you and your dreams.

I know this to be true because yesterday I found myself in that place.

I was late, and because another holiday is fast approaching, I thought about how crazy-awesome it would be to have the opportunity to announce a miracle was growing within me in front of family and friends. Not to mention, who doesn’t like to pee on expensive things, right? Therefore, this morning as the sun peeked between the curtains I jumped out of bed, wiped away the crusties from the corners of my eyes (commonly known as eye boogers in my neck of the woods), and dug out the test I had been saving. Naturally, yet awkwardly, I did my thing, but within milliseconds (not even seconds) it was obvious that what was staring back at me was my 78,564,729* negative since starting this adventure of trying to create a life that has my Bonnie-blue eyes and his cute pudgy nose.

*exaggeration included

It was hard staring face to face with another “no”; maybe even harder than usual due to my higher than normal expectations. I knew that in that moment I could throw a pity party while curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor while asking all of the “why” questions and repeating to myself in between gasping for air that it will never happen. After all, with it being over seven years of waiting, hoping, and praying, I had full rights and I don’t think anyone would have blamed me.

But I didn’t.

I just couldn’t.

Because lately my mantra has been to not be moved by what I see. And not be moved by what I feel. But only be moved by what I believe. And friends, I believe that one day, my healing will come and my womb will be filled. It might be next month and it might not, but I choose to walk by faith and not by cycle.

This is why instead of letting my hopes deferred make my heart sick and hardened, unable to believe again for next month, or the one after that…or the one after that…or even after that, I just nodded my head, and tossed it into the trash. But not before promising myself to not dig it out every five minutes in order to analyze it. Nor run from room to room in the different lighting to see if there was something faint to convince myself of. Nor would I break it open and dissect it like I was in my Junior year of Biology class in order to get a closer look (don’t act like you haven’t done that before).

After all, wouldn’t that have all been torture?

But you know what wasn’t torture after seeing my 78,564,729 negative pregnancy test? Opening my bible and reminding myself of God’s grace as I read the stories of the seven barren women in the bible who after years of infertility conceived and bore life. And it wasn’t torture, but rather life-giving, as I immersed myself in the real-life accounts of Jesus healing all who came to Him in the New Testament. And as I stroked my fingers across Luke 1:45 as though it were braille, I was reminded that If I continued to believe, the Lord would be faithful to fulfill.

However, with that being said, I know it’s not always easy to stand tall and firm in your faith after seeing yet another negative pregnancy test. After all, it’s not always your prayers that seem to be exhausted but also your resources. Therefore, you can’t help but have the faith knocked out of you as you feel defeated; shaken to the core and plagued with fear and doubt. And because the faith has been knocked out, you have been knocked down.

But sweet friend, no matter how tempting it is to lay there in a pit of despair and whisper to yourself words of defeat that God would never say about you or your situation, don’t. At some point make the hard choice to get back up. Because the desires of your heart are more than just wishful dreams, but rather contain a God-given purpose that is worth fighting for.

For He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:9)

Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. (Luke 1:45)

More of my favorite scriptures: 


Worried and Fearful


Discouraged and Despaired

My Favorites

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12 thoughts on “When the Negative Pregnancy Test Knocks You Down”

  1. I’ve read your blog for many years (4-5) and I’ve never commented because I struggle with a few things. I’m really cheering you on, and I want you to be parents. I’ve never written because I don’t think you would like or listen to what I wanted to say which is why I’ve thought it best to stay quiet.

    But…if you want a baby I really think your going to have to go out and do something about it. There’s a level of denial that seems unhealthy at times. I’ve been through ivf four times, and was so lucky that it worked and I have two children. But if I hadn’t saved and put blood, sweat and tears into it I can guarantee I wouldn’t have my kids.

    There’s so much suffering in the world and peoples prayers going unanswered, people who have prayed as desperately as you and it doesn’t change anything. It just doesn’t work like that.

    If you truly want children then it’s up to you and your husband to do what it takes and even then it will be so hard and with no guarantees.

    I’m on your side, you would be a great mother and I would be so thrilled if a miracle did happen. But that’s just not life. Why you and not the childless couple who it’s now too late for but longed and prayed just as much? Life is tough and you have to take responsibility and do what you can to help yourself. No amount of bargaining will help, it just doesn’t work that way.

    It would be awful if you woke up one day when your biological clock has ticked and wished you had seen a fertility doctor again and tried more treatments but it’s then too late.
    Maybe it’s a case of not doing treatments and if it happens it happens. If you are really hoping for a miracle then your living in limbo, waiting, eternally waiting.

    I realise this sounds harsh, but I’m not saying it from a bad place. I would love you to be a mom and I’d be celebrating along with you. But I think you need to come out of denial and bargaining and take responsibility for your own life.

    Cheering you on even if it doesn’t sound like it.

    1. Thank you so much for your opinion and advice. I truly appreciate hearing from others. But you know? I am not hopeless or desperate or thinking that I am wasting time. I am also not living in denial and at the end of the day we all have our own convictions. We all become parents in different ways and paths. And if I don’t have peace from God to pursue medical treatments right now then i won’t. What i am comfortable with is seeing a holistic doctor who is helping me balance my hormones naturally. But please don’t assume i am living in denial. I am not 🙂 I am just following in what the Lord is leading me to do and believe for. Everyone is different and this path and this faith in my loving God works for me and is more than enough for me. ❤ I am at peace with where i am on my journey and that is all that matters.

      1. Once again, I do appreciate your message so much! And also your love and support! It means more than you know! ❤

      2. Great answer— I probably would have had a harder time answering it. I get the same question frequently: “If you want a baby so bad, why aren’t you taking hormones or getting IVF or attempting IUI?” To me, the question is as grating as “Why don’t you adopt?” Everyone is on their own path. I prefer to explore treatments on my own terms and not on a hypothetical timeline. There are also certain groups who discourage use of ART to create a family. There are just as many valid reasons to continue trying naturally as there are for trying the next step. Fingers crossed for you!

  2. I think that most of us that read your posts know exactly what you mean about checking that test a million times, or using different light, or even breaking it open to quadruple check that we didn’t miss something! I also believe that there is a plan for all of us that we just have to wait and see how it plays out. Several months ago I commented and told you that I lived in southern IL. Well, since then I have moved to SC and gotten married. And I believe that doing that was part of God’s plan. After years of trying and multiple IUI’s we were just a week away from starting our first IVF cycle when we found out that we had conceived all by ourselves! Today we are 22 weeks along with a precious baby girl and while I have been dying to share this with you, I have also been very hesitant. I don’t want to ever “brag” about something like this, but I just wanted you to know that YOU gave me strength and faith to keep going. You share your intimate life with us and keep so many of us going on this journey that will ultimately end in our precious children. I just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU once again!

  3. I enjoy your blog so much! I’m glad I found it. We’ve been trying for 5 years. We did IVF last month but unfortunately it didn’t work. I miscarried after 6 weeks with two embryos. We plan to get more healthy in the next few months and try again. Has a doctor said what is stopping you from getting pregnant? I know exactly what you mean about testing and it coming back negative.

  4. Love your post!

    Maybe try again in a few days.

    It takes a few extra days to show up for some ladies.


    1. I am on day 53…hehe. And not to get too personal, but it has been far more than 14 days since he attempted to pollinate my flower 🤣

  5. Thank you for writing this. I needed this today. Your realness and openness has touched me and encouraged me to keep going in this journey of miscarriages and infertility. Thank you for letting God use you. Your story is not over! <3

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