When trying (and trying and trying) to grow your family a negative pregnancy test can knock you down, am I right? And sometimes when you get knocked down it’s tempting to not get back up. However not in the sense of going through life, but rather in terms of hoping, praying and believing again; especially in the area that God is for you and your dreams.
I know this to be true because yesterday I found myself in that place.
I was late, and because another holiday is fast approaching, I thought about how crazy-awesome it would be to have the opportunity to announce a miracle was growing within me in front of family and friends. Not to mention, who doesn’t like to pee on expensive things, right? Therefore, this morning as the sun peeked between the curtains I jumped out of bed, wiped away the crusties from the corners of my eyes (commonly known as eye boogers in my neck of the woods), and dug out the test I had been saving. Naturally, yet awkwardly, I did my thing, but within milliseconds (not even seconds) it was obvious that what was staring back at me was my 78,564,729* negative since starting this adventure of trying to create a life that has my Bonnie-blue eyes and his cute pudgy nose.
It was hard staring face to face with another “no”; maybe even harder than usual due to my higher than normal expectations. I knew that in that moment I could throw a pity party while curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor while asking all of the “why” questions and repeating to myself in between gasping for air that it will never happen. After all, with it being over seven years of waiting, hoping, and praying, I had full rights and I don’t think anyone would have blamed me.
But I didn’t.
I just couldn’t.
Because lately my mantra has been to not be moved by what I see. And not be moved by what I feel. But only be moved by what I believe. And friends, I believe that one day, my healing will come and my womb will be filled. It might be next month and it might not, but I choose to walk by faith and not by cycle.
This is why instead of letting my hopes deferred make my heart sick and hardened, unable to believe again for next month, or the one after that…or the one after that…or even after that, I just nodded my head, and tossed it into the trash. But not before promising myself to not dig it out every five minutes in order to analyze it. Nor run from room to room in the different lighting to see if there was something faint to convince myself of. Nor would I break it open and dissect it like I was in my Junior year of Biology class in order to get a closer look (don’t act like you haven’t done that before).
After all, wouldn’t that have all been torture?
But you know what wasn’t torture after seeing my 78,564,729 negative pregnancy test? Opening my bible and reminding myself of God’s grace as I read the stories of the seven barren women in the bible who after years of infertility conceived and bore life. And it wasn’t torture, but rather life-giving, as I immersed myself in the real-life accounts of Jesus healing all who came to Him in the New Testament. And as I stroked my fingers across Luke 1:45 as though it were braille, I was reminded that If I continued to believe, the Lord would be faithful to fulfill.
However, with that being said, I know it’s not always easy to stand tall and firm in your faith after seeing yet another negative pregnancy test. After all, it’s not always your prayers that seem to be exhausted but also your resources. Therefore, you can’t help but have the faith knocked out of you as you feel defeated; shaken to the core and plagued with fear and doubt. And because the faith has been knocked out, you have been knocked down.
But sweet friend, no matter how tempting it is to lay there in a pit of despair and whisper to yourself words of defeat that God would never say about you or your situation, don’t. At some point make the hard choice to get back up. Because the desires of your heart are more than just wishful dreams, but rather contain a God-given purpose that is worth fighting for.
For He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 113:9)
Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. (Luke 1:45)
More of my favorite scriptures:
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