“What is this?” I said as I pulled out a baby bottle nearly filled with poppy seeds.
My husband and I had just moved into our new home a couple of months ago, and last week I decided to tackle the only room left that needed to be unpacked and organized. What room was it I had put off? The nursery. The one we have prepared in crazy, childlike faith despite our decade long battle to conceive.
As I began pulling out the crib bedding, wall decor, and stuffed animals (the items I had recently packed and brought over), I turned to my left to see a large grey storage tub. Within that tub were items either I have purchased, or others who also believe with us have purchased. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what was inside of it anymore. Because lately, when someone has given me something in faith, I open up the lid, toss it inside, and close it back up. But on this particular day, I decided to find a place for all of the baby clothes, bibs, and books tucked away inside.
To say that this task of unpacking and organizing came easy would be a lie; it wasn’t. I thought I was doing well with keeping my emotions in check, but as I got further down into this 30-gallon storage tub, I began pulling out sippy cups, burp cloths, and pacifiers that I had forgotten about because I had purchased them many years ago.
Did you catch that?
Years ago.
How has it been years?
The plastic on one of the snack containers had to be thrown away as it had crumbled while waiting to be used. And the baby bottle with the poppy seeds I had mentioned earlier? It was on the bottom, and I couldn’t remember why I had it or its purpose. But the longer I sat staring at it, the more my memories came flooding back. You see, several years ago, while dreaming of the moment I would see God’s promise fulfilled as I witnessed that second pink line show up, I researched and found out that at just four weeks gestation, my baby would be the size of a poppy seed. So small. So tiny.
Yet so large and significant to my life and my heart.
After researching and dreaming, I remember that afternoon, running out to the store and purchasing that baby bottle covered in birds, as well as every container of poppy seed on the shelf. I wanted to not only prepare in my heart for the moment I would tell my husband he was a daddy, but also in real life. My plan was once I knew I had a little poppy seed growing inside of me, I would replace his coffee cup in the kitchen cabinet with the bottle. And inside the bottle, which would also be next to the positive pregnancy test, I would have a note that read…
Good morning, Daddy!
Can you believe it? Today I am the size of a poppy seed and I am nestled snug inside of mommy, but soon I will be cradled tight inside your strong arms. I can’t wait! And I bet you can’t either!
Love, your long-awaited baby bird
Crazy cute, right? But as I sat on the floor of our nursery last week that is still void of tiny fingers and wiggly toes, I realized while holding this idea that represented so much faith, I no longer plan in hope-filled anticipation of the day I will be able to tell the world I am pregnant. I no longer lay awake at night dreaming of my baby shower like I once did. In fact, I haven’t thought about it in over a year. Perhaps this is what six years of praying, pleading, and contending does to a person. It makes you numb to the constant disappointments without even realizing it. But more importantly, it makes you stagnant, which is to be sluggish, dull, dormant, and inactive. And not just in your preparation, but in your faith
And I don’t want to be stagnant in my faith.
I don’t want to be sluggish, dormant, or inactive for the desires God has planted in the soft, fertile soil of my heart. And sweet sister, I don’t want you to be this way either. I can’t help but believe someone is reading this today who, like me, have become stagnant in your anticipation that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled. And this place of stagnancy has been hindering your faith. Stealing your hope. And robbing you of joy. Therefore I want to encourage you to do what God told me to do on that Saturday afternoon as I held that baby bottle nearly filled to the top with poppy seeds. And that is this: Dream again. Get ready. Plan and prepare for that moment as if I already had the positive pregnancy test in hand.
And to not be hesitant.
But I know that as you open yourself up to this possibility, you will feel vulnerable. And you will feel fear. And you will feel incredibly silly. But neither of them are from the Lord. And you know something else? By doing this, by planning and preparing, you can’t jinx yourself, which is another thought I know you have. Because when you are living in hope and faith, you aren’t putting a curse on your life, but rather walking on God’s path towards the blessings He has in store for it.
So what are you waiting for? Allow yourself to become vulnerable as you put your faith in action and your hope to work. Go ahead and clear out your spare bedroom to create the nursery of your dreams. Buy the cute onesie you saw in Target. Or, if nothing else, purchase a journal and jot down your ideas for your picture-perfect baby shower. Maybe even write letters for your little one to read one day.
As for me? I’m going to open my secret Pinterest board, the one I haven’t looked at in years named “Ideas for Pregnancy Announcement,” and I’m going to plan and prepare once more for the day I can surprise my husband, shock my family, and shout to the world that I have a poppy seed growing in my belly.
For more related articles, see below:
It’s Odd
Faith in Action
When Having Faith is Hard
Risking my Reputation
Did God Really Say…?
Silly or Not…Here We Go!
Putting the Cart Before the Horse?
He Is a Champion
My Name Is…
Today Is Different
Two Years Ago Today
It’s Josiah Day
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I was doing fine reading this until I got to the line that reads “Buy the cute onsie you saw in Target.” I literally broke down sobbing. I was at Target yesterday and left so depressed because I saw the perfect onsie set with little matching booties that I wanted to buy so badly. But it hurt, it hurt to think I didn’t know what size to buy, it hurt to think I don’t know when my baby would even wear them, and so I put it back and walked away. I got home and cried because my heart wanted those items so badly and I was hurt that it would still be a purchase made in faith rather than a purchase made from necessity. I too feel as though I’m in that stagnant place, and this was exactly what I needed to read today. I know God is doing something with me in this season, there have been so many signs like this these last few weeks. And oddly enough, I finally started to clean out our spare room today. 😉 Thank you for always being so open, raw, transparent and REAL on this journey. God knew I needed you in my life for this exact day. XOXO
Oh, sugars! You have been so heavy on my heart the last couple of weeks and now I know why. Please remember that you are not forgotten or abandoned or overlooked by God. He hasn’t forgotten the desires HE has placed within the soft, fertile soil of your heart. I know that it’s hard with each passing month without the promise fulfilled but strengthen yourself like Abraham strengthened himself by waiting. And that is give Him praises…thank Him in advance for what you are trusting and believing He will do. Praise Him in the form of stepping out in faith and purchasing that onsie as a symbol of trust and courage. You got this, girl! And I am rooting for you all the way from Southern Illinois. xo
It took us 7 years so I feel you. And by then, after all the fertility treatments and IVF I pretty much had given up on all my fancy sappy ideas of how I would tell my husband and I think I just waved the stick around in shock until he figured it out.
Still hoping you get your baby bird.
Thank you so much!!!
Love this post! It’s been 5 1/2 years for my husband and I, with not one positive pregnancy test. And you’re right when you type it out and stare at the number it’s hard to even believe. I have a cute little onesie from Janie & Jack that I have tucked away in a box in my closet that I totally forgot about until recently when I was cleaning and found it. But I know God didn’t forget about it. Or about me. Or about you. Or about anyone else reading this who has yet to hold their sweet baby in their arms. That is a faith and hope bigger and brighter than anything and something the enemy can never take from us. I pray for the day you can place that bottle inside your cabinet to surprise your hubby! I know it will happen and if you don’t mind I think I may steal your idea when it’s my turn too 😉
Thank you so much for your sweet prayers and awesome words of encouragement to not only myself, but all who stumble upon this page and read the comments. I encourage you to dig out that outfit and keep it close. Pray over it daily and thank God in advance for the sweet miracle you believe will one day fit inside. xo
First I completely realize how blessed I am to have 2 amazing boys 18 and 11 years old. We went through many years of struggling to get pregnant and then to actually carry the baby to term. After years of fertility treatments and 3 miscarriages, we had both boys on our own. I’ll never forget telling my husband I was pregnant with our youngest. I walked into his office in the basement and said, “ I just took a positive test. We’ll see what happens.” I had truly given up hope and refused to get back on the roller coaster of emotions. My prayers are with you on your journey.
Wow! Congratulations on your sweet miracles!
Thank you for sharing, It’s both a sad and good feeling reading this.. Knowing that you’re not alone. We also bought a new home and I know exactly which room is going to be the baby room.. Reading this makes me want to take the next step of just fixing that little miracle room.. The sad part is that I had to throw away a baby bottle and a pacifier that my mother in law gave me at my bridal shower over 19 years ago.. Thinking of how many years that has passed and all the tears that I‘ve cried, I still find that happiness inside knowing God will for fill his promise ❤️ Praying for you and your husband.
Praying for you Arlene, and cheering you on to decorate that little room. Let it be your sanctuary that you run to when your heart hurts as it can become a place to cry out to God just like when Hannah cried out in the temple. xo
This is so me right now…the stagnant, lost all hope, numb woman 5 1/2 years into trying for a baby. I am finding it so hard to keep hope alive when each month is disappointment after disappointment. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and I feel like it’s never going to happen.
Cath, I am praying for you today and asking the Lord to wrap His arms of peace around your. I pray that He open your womb and fill it with life. xoxo
Praying for u xxx 1 year ago today, we got the wonderful news after egg retrieval the day before that 3 of the 6 eggs were fertilizing and looking great. I remember crying with joy, I was so hopeful xxx
Thank you so, so much for your sweet prayers! xo
Thank you so much for this post! We recently received a negative test after doing our first frozen embryo transfer. I cried when they first told me but after that I felt fine…almost, like you put it, numb. I would tell my friends who knew that I was fine (and that I thought it was because after 9 years of trying another month of getting a negative just felt “normal”). And, I HATE that I felt that way. But your words today have given me hope. I’ve been telling myself that I need to hope again, because we are signed up for another transfer in December, but I haven’t FELT it until today. I am not a crier, but when I read your words… “But I know that as you open yourself up to this possibility, you will feel vulnerable. And you will feel fear. And you will feel incredibly silly. But neither of them are from the Lord” I cried. Sitting in my cubicle at work, I cried. Because I grasped how right you are…none of the negative things are from the Lord! Hoping is from God, having joy is from God, believing for my miracle once again is from God! Thank You, Lord, for Your love and grace towards me as I wait! ❤
Hope isn’t always a feeling…it’s a choice. My pastor always says to not let faith follow your feelings but your feelings follow your faith. I am praying for you, sugars, and believing that you will be a joyful mother of children (Psalm 113:9).
I love this post. I love your blog and read it faithfully. After 11 long years of trying, I find that the hope that once lived inside of me just isn’t there. I’ve been too afraid to dream or even think positive because it just never happens. I can have faith for a million other things, but when it comes to the baby of my dreams, I feel like over time, I’ve just let it slip through my fingers. A part of me understands. I NEED to continue to have faith that God will make me a mother someday. But how do I do that after so many years of disappointments and let downs? It’s such a struggle.
Heather, I am so sorry that you also know this pain and that you are in the waiting. I want to remind you that the fear you feel is not from the Lord but from the enemy. He is trying to paralyze you because he knows that if he can do that, he can steal your joy. Steal your dreams. Steal your hope. And steal your relationship with God. I know what you mean about having faith for a million other things…that used to me be…but then I realized that when I broke it down…as in, really broke it down…the things I had faith for were still things I had control over. I really didn’t have faith in God for them at all. My faith was still in me and my abilities. Please know that I am praying for you! I encourage you to find scriptures that uplift you and place them all throughout your house. I did this several years ago when I first discovered about my fertility issues and I am convinced it was a life saver for me. xoxo
Thank you for the honest advice. You’re spot on. I started thinking about the things I *think* I have faith for, but most of them are indeed things I still have a measure of control over. I’ve printed out a bunch of verses that I can cut out and keep in my purse.
I loved this… I am at the sex year mark next month…. With you right where you are. Have gone stagnant and almost numb when it comes to thinking of anything positive with pregnancy in the same sentence. This was extremely insightful and motivating. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this post that is filled with hope but doesn’t deny how hard holding on to that hope is. I’ve been feeling very hopeless the last few weeks and feel that I really needed to read these words 🙂
Elisha, this is right where I’ve been, and wrestling with these thoughts the last few days specifically. I attended the Moms In The Making conference last weekend and it was all about hope, and I struggled with being told I should HOPE when I’ve spent so much time — so many cycles — telling myself “don’t get your hopes up, it’ll hurt too much.” After last weekend, I’m slowly learning what it means to hope in Christ and hope for a family…. to allow myself to have hope. It feels risky and yes, vulnerable, but not hoping is joy-stealing and lacking in faith!
I am very much in this place right now and needed this subtle reminder more than I’d like to admit! My nursery door painfully stays shut in our home and as of lately I haven’t been in there even to dust or vacuum. I know I don’t want to give up on the Lord and his great plan for our life but each month the disappointment has grown to be more prevalent then the hope. Thank you for your accountability to me!
I too have felt the pain of empty arms. It Is a pain I can’t describe but those who have felt it know it all too well. I prayed for a baby and hoped for a pregnancy until I felt I couldn’t hope anymore. I was brought to my knees with despair. It was there that God opened my heart to seeking his plans and purpose for my life more than my own. I knew God placed the desire to be a mother in my heart but couldn’t understand why he would place that desire there and leave me with empty arms. After much time seeking God’s purpose and trying to make sense of it all, I realized that I had been in my own way all along. God laid adoption on my heart. At first I was angry and uninterested. I wanted to experience pregnancy. I wanted to experience labor. I wanted to argue about whether my baby had mine or my husband’s eyes. Later I knew that I was being selfish. God had a plan for me to become a mother and just because it wasn’t what I envisioned I didn’t want it. God changed my heart and I am now a mom. Not an adoptive mom, just a mom. I watched my son be born, I’ve loved him since before his first breath. God had a plan for me and for my son all along and boy would I be missing out if I hadn’t let God write the story.
Oh how I can relate to this post!
My husband and I just moved to a 5-bedroom house that, without the Lord, we would have NEVER been able to afford. I had thought that the nursery I had started to prepare in the old house was the room that God would use for our baby, but he has other plans that are far beyond mine. We still don’t know what his plans are fully, but we are walking forward in our adoption/foster to adopt process, in faith. And it is hard and actually at times seems crazy, yet we are still driven to do this….by God. It is a heartbreaking, exciting, frustrating process, this “trying to become a parent” thing, but we are keeping on. This weekend I bought a boy and girl outfit….the first ones. It was so fun. Scary, but mostly fun. But we still wait, and wait, and move forward as God directs. What an interesting life! Praying for you and your journey as well!
Hey Lady, thought of you today. You wrote this blog on the day I had my total colectomy–yep, I’m an ostomate now! And two weeks after Mr. MLACS went into cardiac arrest at work, and lived against all odds. I guess I need to give you my testimony–that miracles can and do happen, that God is always with us, and that I believe in you and your dreams. XOXO, MLACS
Oh my goodness, girl! Praising God for MLACS still being alive!! How scary!!! I sooo miss hearing from you!!! How was your surgery? Are you doing better?
Surgery went very well and I do feel much better now! Thank you. And Mr. MLACS returns to work inthe morning, precisely 4 weeks to the day since his collapse. I’m nervous about him going back, but they did save his life and he does now have a pacemaker/defibrillator so I have to have faith that he will be ok. I hope you guys and Goldilocks had a fun Halloween–we certainly enjoyed ours with BG (she was minnie mouse). XOXO
Sending prayers for faith… Trust in His perfect. I remember what you are going through. My husband and I battled with infertility for 5 years before we decided to adopt. Our daughter is 4 now but the pain of the battle is still right there, just under the surface. Sending love and hugs for a reignited flame for God and for the hope for precious child that’s on it’s way to you.
Sending prayers for faith… Trust in His perfect timing. I remember what you are going through. My husband and I battled with infertility for 5 years before we decided to adopt. Our daughter is 4 now but the pain of the battle is still right there, just under the surface. Sending love and hugs for a reignited flame for God and for the hope for precious child that’s on it’s way to you.
Yes! Keep hope alive. We don’t know why and maybe one day when we look back to see when our child was born we can see why it took so dang long for them to come along. It took 6 years of feeling like I was on a roller coaster every month before we finally were able to conceive and for the pregnancy to go past six weeks. Your day will come. Praying for you.
I have avoided ur posts for awhile because it’s just to hard (really really) hard to even allow thoughts to enter my mind. The other day my husband said when we had a child and my instant response was you really think that is going to happen :(. I started the journey with such faith only to be disappointed month after month, it’s easier not to think about it. But today I will start to dream and hope and activate my faith again thank you.
Oh, sugars! Allow yourself to think about it and to dream with God! Think big, dream big, and pray big! Have you read the circle maker? No? You need to order it off amazon today. I promise you will be sucked in after the first paragraph and you won’t be able to put it down!
I literally just bought big sister and big brother bandanas I plan to us when I finally get to make my special announcement. We just started trying again….so I am praying maybe this time will be different. I have been trying to just be hopeful that it’ll happen, maybe it won’t be this month or next but it’ll happen someday and it’ll be worth the wait. Baby dust to you ❤
Thank you so much for sharing this Jessica!!! I love that you made these purchases in faith! I am praying for you now!