There I stood in my kitchen, holding our foster daughter’s surprise present behind my back. I watched as she jumped up and down with excitement for what awaited her, all the while begging for me to hurry. So after a few minutes of teasing (because isn’t that what you are supposed to do?), I finally brought the Dumbo stuffed animal she had wanted from around my back and watched as she giggled and twirled in pure happiness. With the both of us grinning from ear to ear, I walked…no…strutted out of the kitchen feeling like a boss. By her reaction, you would have thought I had just won her a trip to Disney World. And me? Person of the Year. But let me tell you, my superhero status quickly vanished when less than ten minutes later, she comes marching back into the living room with an attitude. I look over as she cocks one hip up to the side and says, “Is this all? Where’s his mommy? And where’s his feather?!”
UH?! His feather?!?!
Shocked and unable to even formulate a sentence, I finally spouted out, “What do mean is this all?!” And as she cocked her hip up further in the air and stared up at me with her greedy eyes (eyes that I promise had gone from a beautiful shade of brown to a nasty shade of green), I proceeded to say, “Don’t you know there are children all around the world who don’t have…” And before I could even finish my sentence, I saw myself in this four-year-old little girl.
Sometimes in some form or fashion, I am asking, “Is this all?” And let me go ahead and pull away from my mask and get ugly honest for a second. Because shamefully, I far too often cock my hip to the side and stomp my foot in disgust as I point out what others have that I don’t. Especially when it comes to those having babies upon babies. Because really? Really, God?! You let them have a baby?! They don’t even want one! They don’t even have the resources to care for one! Heck, they don’t even deserve this kind of blessing! But I do! Because I have kept my nose clean! I have been a good Christian! I pray. I believe in Your promises. I defend Your name! I even attend Wednesday night service! And do I need to remind You that I pay for the meal behind me in the drive-thru every.single.time? Do you not see it? I deserve the blessing of a baby too! So why do I have to suffer from infertility?
I know! I know! But I told you I would be ugly honest, and I’m about to get even uglier. Because in my suffering and desperation, I have come to realize that at times I have wanted more of my Father’s gifts more than I actually want my Father. Looking back, there have been many times throughout this infertility journey that I have treated God as my assistant in getting to motherhood. He has merely been my means to my end. My genie in a bottle. I think that if I say this magic word, do this good deed, pray these prayers, or go to “x” amount of services, then He will find me deserving. And my prayer time? I wouldn’t say that I am “listening” but rather “listing.” Much like a child would write a wishlist to Santa. And I’m not always sitting in my prayer closet with my Bible in hand for His presence, but rather His presents. Nor am I always there to look for His face, but rather His hand.
Friend, (can I call you friend since I just spilled my guts?), maybe you can relate to this too. If you were to pull back the mask and examine your life, would you also see yourself in me? Would you see yourself demanding and foot-stomping with a judgmental finger-pointing at others who have what you want? Or believe that because you do certain “tasks,” you are more deserving than “that person” who doesn’t? I know they are hard questions to ask. And hard answers to face. But if you are honest and answered, yes, I want you to know you are not alone. I get it. But better yet, God gets it too. And He isn’t mad at you. Or me. He knows our human nature, and He loves us anyway. But at the same time, He wants us to seek Him for who He is, not just for what He can give. He wants us to trust that He is the giver of good gifts (James 1:17) and that He not only knows what to give and how to give it but when to give it to us as well.
This is why today I am putting down my pointing finger and taking off my “Is this all?!” and “Where is my baby?!” stomping shoes and saying this prayer…
Lord, I humbly come before you today with tears in my eyes as I tell you I am sorry. I am sorry that I sometimes fail to see that every day I am alive is a precious gift from You. And that within each day I am given, You have jam-packed it full of Your amazing blessings. Blessings that I so often overlook because I’m too busy looking for the next gift from You. Lord, I ask that you give me grace. And that You help me in those moments when I see someone have something that my heart so strongly desires. Help me never forget that You will always supply me with what I need when I need it most. And never let me lose sight of Your promise that the desires You have purposefully planted inside the soft fertile soil of my heart will one day, in Your perfect timing, be fulfilled. It’s in Your precious name, I pray.
Sweet friend, would you please take 2 minutes out of your day to watch this awesome video?
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If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who “get it,” then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, enter into exclusive giveaways, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!
Wow thank you so much for this! The moment it came in my in box I was obsessively going over my cycle and wondering when I could test. You are so right, I need to focus on God and be thankful for the blessings he has given me. Thank you!!
Praying for you, Sarah. Hang in there. God is still writing your story and He always has the best endings ❤
Thank you for your post. I really related to it. I loved the video too. Can you send me a link to the video clip please ?
God bless you while you wait for your baby bird
Beth
You can find the video on YouTube by searching for one time blind “coke”
I totally needed this! I am waiting on my baby bird also, and often have the same thoughts as you discussed, then I feel bad for comparing because I am blessed with so much already. It’s not about the gift, it’s about God, and I need to work more on that. Thank you and prayers you get your baby bird soon.
Ahh! Thank you so much for your prayers, Santana! Please take comfort that I just prayed on your behalf. Xo
Thank you…I love this and it’s a great reminder. I feel like I often get upset when others are blessed with children or feel like I’m being punished in that moment. I’m so thankful for your honesty and for God’s grace when we act like what we gave is not enough.
Remember, you are not being punished and those comparison traps? They come from the enemy to get your focus off His love for you! God loves you and never plays favorites (Romans 2:11).
Reblogged this on Sparrows and Dandelions and commented:
So incredibly in love with these words from Waiting for Baby Bird. While my issue wasn’t infertility, much of it still hit home.
Words can’t even explain how this describes me right now, after everything we went through, everything our marriage was tested though and still no baby! Your post defiantly made me rethink it, as well as the counseler I’m seeing
Hugs!! ❤❤❤
Thank you! I admire your insight and honesty. You rock girl!
Ahhh! You are so sweet! ❤ But you know? You rock too! How do I know? Because you were created by the Creator…and I know He only makes masterpieces ❤
Thank you for your brutal honesty! Everything you said is so true! Sending prayers to you and your family.
Thank you so much for your prayers, Angela! ❤
This was spot-on for me. Thank you for giving me some big things to think about. I love this “seeking His face instead of His hand.” And “listening instead of listing.” I need to refocus. Thank you for the reminder!
Hey girl! You are so welcome! I think this is a reminder we all could use every so often ❤
This was just what I needed to read this morning, thankyou for sharing! Just found out yesterday my sister is pg, (without trying!) And another one is too. I know it’s all in Gods plan but I’ve been grasping to keep holding onto the truth n not let my emotions and wants take over. This was just the ‘word from God’ that I needed to get a fresh grip..
Yes girl! We have to hold on to the truth and not let our emotions take over. I often think of Peter when he stepped out of the boat. He was walking on the very thing was causing him problems that is until he started to look at his circumstances and that’s when fear took over and he started to sink. So keep those eyes on the Word of God and His truth! You got this girl! xoxo
Wow!! Thank you for being so real, so raw and honest! This is so me, I continually struggle with anger, jealousy, and envy. Why has God not given me the child that I desperately pray for and give it others! He tells us to give him the desires of our heart and yet he still doesn’t! Waiting on God and his timing is hard but knowing just because we want it now doesn’t mean that is his will or his timing!! He is the keeper of the keys to everything!!
I will be praying for you!! Thanks again so much for sharing
Stumbled upon this blog a bit late and it was perfectly timed for a day when the grief feels palpable. We are in the waiting stage of an adoption after five years of infertility. I was just trying to articulate much of this blog yesterday to a friend. Especially feeling like I just need to find the perfect 1, 2, 3 combo of good behavior, surrender and prayer and then maybe, just maybe, I will get my prize. Thank you for your honesty and stewarding your words in such a way that they speak for so many. I am grateful to have found this community.
Such a good reminder!! Thank you!
Such a good reminder! Thank you!
I’m so glad you decided to press “publish” on this post. Brutally honest is what helps us make progress against the ugly in our own lives. Thank you for being brave! (PS I have an honest post sitting in my drafts folder right now- maybe it will make its way out one day soon!)
So beautiful! I’m a sucker for honesty and admitting our faults. I love that you are brave enough to admit all the imperfections because if you are enough with them than SO AM I! I can totally relate to the “wishlist” prayers. Most of all I love your prayer at the end, very selfless and beautiful. It brings me peace! (I also like your style of writing. I can really hear your voice.)
SO so good! Always love your posts & your honesty. I too realized at some point along this journey I was treating God as my genie. Definitely a sobering moment! Can’t wait for the day you hold your sweet baby in your arms. Praying for you today! You are encouraging so many!