No Longer Living in the Fear of “If” But Rather in the Believing of “When”

In honor of Josiah Day (you can read more about this special day by clicking here), I am sharing with you this inspiring testimony from a woman who despite the odds stacked up against her due to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a heartbreaking chemical pregnancy and recently the devastating loss of her sweet baby girl Charley, she refuses to live another day in the fear of “if” she will carry a baby to full term, but rather “when”.  I pray that her testimony in which a Facebook post of mine encouraging others to prepare in faith for what it is they are believing God for, will also encourage you to hope against all hope.  Believe against all reasoning.  And begin to prepare even if it seems crazy. “For faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”  ~Hebrews 11:1
 

Dear Waiting for Baby Bird,

I started this email message with the intent of it being short and sweet…but then this just…happened. Here’s my story –

My husband and I are high school sweethearts who just celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary this summer. We’ve been trying for a family for most of those 12 years, but, as you know Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) likes to complicate things. We were finally blessed with a small amount of infertility coverage through insurance so we began pursuing assisted reproduction nearly three years ago and were blessed with our first miracle in early 2014. I had a friend make this shirt for me before we began treatments to surprise him with when we got our first positive. I just KNEW this was going to be our time. Look at that smile…and tear stains on his glasses… ️

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We were devastated to quickly learn that this was a “chemical” pregnancy. Brokenhearted, but evermore determined, we pushed forward with our journey. We quickly became pregnant again, and were completely overjoyed! My blood work revealed that my HCG levels weren’t rising appropriately, but we had to wait to figure out why. My doctor suggested taking medication to induce an abortion, but there was no way I could conceive of consenting to something so horrific. The Lord heard my cries and emergency medical intervention was required instead. I began experiencing horrible pain and was rushed into emergency exploratory surgery to find what was determined to be an ectopic pregnancy. I ended up losing our second angel and my right tube in June 2014. At that point, we decided to take a break and regroup. Clearly, IVF was the only logical next step for us to have our own children, so IVF it was. We got pregnant on our first round, but only had two babies to transfer, none to freeze. It was a leap of faith, to say the least, but we dove in head first. Everything was perfect from the beginning. We learned that we were having a baby girl with the eruption of red fireworks, alongside our closest friends and family. It was the happiest moment of our lives as husband and wife.

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Tragically, our 100% healthy, perfect baby girl went to heaven August 25, 2015 at 8:30 a.m. when my water unexpectedly broke due to an incompetent cervix. I am so fragile and broken still from losing our Charley Mae. There are days when I can barely breathe, but through the grace of God and the love and unbreakable bond that my husband and I share, I’m somehow still pushing through. It’s hard, so very hard. At the end of her burial service we released balloons because someone told me as a child that when you get to heaven you get back every balloon you’ve ever released. I couldn’t let her go without making sure she would have some too.
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We’ve recently decided to go through IVF again because we didn’t have any embryos to freeze from our last round. I had an appointment with my fertility specialist to find out why I hadn’t started a cycle since delivering Charley 3 1/2 months ago, despite having went through 2 rounds of medication to induce one. Again, thanks, PCOS! The appointment was so much harder than I thought it would be. I was placed in the same ultrasound room that I was in the day I was released to my ob/gyn’s care with Charley. A sweet friend, who knew about my appointment, sent me this text just after I had broken down into tears while waiting for the doctor. God sure is always on time, isn’t He?
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Imagine my surprise when later that week I saw the picture you posted on your Waiting for Baby Bird Facebook page (see below)…and then read your faith inspiring story about Josiah Day!
Prayer is asking for rain

What are the odds?! There were those words, repeated again, seemingly from out of the blue. Every word was just what I’ve needed to hear for so long. You’re absolutely right. I believe in His word, so why not start acting like it?! I’m so tired of “if”. I believe in “when”. So, I took your advice and I bought my baby a shirt….from a gas station, no less! The point is I did it. And I’m happy that I did it. My heart may still be shattered into a million pieces, and I may still not have gone an entire 24 hours without crying, but I’m excited about the future. And I’m going to start acting like it.

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We Texans do have a flair for being cliché!  Haha!

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your life with us, for being real even when it’s so painful and for exemplifying what it means to be a woman of faith.  May God bless you in ways that you can’t yet imagine.

Love,
Charley’s Mama

I would love to get connected with you on a more personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then click here to find Waiting for Baby Bird on Facebook or come follow me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you.

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16 thoughts on “No Longer Living in the Fear of “If” But Rather in the Believing of “When”

  1. Hey Charley’s Mama, just wanted to pop in and say that I’m so sorry for your losses. I love the name Charley, too! It’s also my dad’s name (but he spells it with an ie). Anyway, sending hugs your way! Thanks for sharing her story, Elisha. Xo.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through all of this. Do you have a blog of your own, so that we can connect? Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that you have/find the strength to continue on your journey so that hopefully you will have that baby in your arms one day. Hang in there! I won’t say that it gets easier, because unfortunately it doesn’t…but miracles do happen every day, and you never know when it will be your turn to receive one. *hugs* (Elisha, please share this with her!)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. My heart breaks reading this story. So tragic but so inspiring the hope she has. Truly beautiful. Wishing her all the strength and faith to keep going xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry that your journey has been such a tough one. Often we are so caught up in our own journeys and heartbreaks that we forget about what troubles and heartaches others are facing.
    Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for reminding us how important have hope and belief is.
    I believe there is a child coming for us 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. @Charley’s Momma. Bless you for sharing this story! My husband and I have traveled a journey nowhere as long or hard as yours yet my heart feels broken by it often. We’re in our 20th month ttc, we finally got my husband’s hormones on track just in time for me to stop ovulating. 19 months I ovulated regularly, no later than CD 26, most commonly CD 16. It’s now CD 43 and no sign of any luck. On Wednesday we learned that we also will be unable to adopt a child. The rest of the week I’ve struggled with my faith, repeatedly saying to myself I know that God will but I wish I knew When! Not with nearly the grace you display. Your strength is a true inspiration! Bless you for sharing your story and I’ll be praying your miracle comes soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry for your losses. I too believe you will be a mother to babies on this earth soon. I want to encourage you to look into a TVCIC. It has a better success rate than the traditional Cerclage. Very few doctors do it or know about it.

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