Tales of Fostering

A Letter to My Husband Since Becoming a Foster Mommy

Last week we had a fight.  A stupid fight in our kitchen over something so ridiculous I don’t even know now how it began. But it got ugly, didn’t it? I said some hurtful things. You said some hurtful things. And I wanted to leave. I wanted to just run away for a few hours, maybe even a few days. But as you know I didn’t. Instead, we have just been sorta ignoring each other. But earlier yesterday as you were sitting over there in one part of the room, and I in another dishing out the silent treatment, I got on Facebook. Because isn’t that the mature thing to do when you get into a fight with your spouse? You look at your phone and mindlessly scroll through your newsfeed in order to avoid working out the problems in your marriage? sigh. But despite how immature it was, I am glad I did. Because it was while looking through some old photos of us…photos that are only found on Facebook, I stumbled upon this one. Do you remember this picture? Spring Break 2006 It was taken nine years ago with a cheap disposable camera. I remember that moment and those butterflies like it was yesterday. And how could I forget? Because it was the day, I fell in love with you. I remember trying to explain it to my mom a few days later over the phone. I remember exactly where I was standing in the kitchen of my college apartment as I tried describing to her your eyes…” they are blue with some weird orange in it. And they are…well, just…magical.” I remember her laughing and saying, “uh-huh.” She knew. I knew. You were the one. You were my prince. My knight in shining armor. The one with who I hoped to start a family.

And even now, as I see you sitting over there with the same blue eyes that have this weird orange in them, I want you to know that despite the hurtful things I may have said in frustration and anger, you are still the one. You are still the love of my life. My knight in shining armor. The man with who I want to have a family. But the truth is, so much has changed since the day we took that picture together. So much of life has happened since that “selfie.” Graduating college. Moving (six times). Starting (and stopping) careers. And the big one, infertility. All of them together have changed who we are as people and as a couple.

But the one thing that has changed us, or maybe me, the most is when we became unexpected foster parents 18 months ago, and I instantly and without warning took on this new role as “Mommy” to a beautiful four-year-old little princess. And while this new role has brought us so much joy, I know that you have had to take the backseat as I frantically learn how to go from being just your wife to now your wife and her mommy. I know it’s not been easy for you, for me, and for our marriage. I know that sometimes you feel neglected, ignored, even a stranger in your own home. I know that you probably look at me and wonder where the fun-loving wife you married ran off to. And it’s okay if you think this. No, it is. Because honestly? I often look in the mirror after a long day and wonder the same thing. You would think after 18 months, I would have gotten the hang of all the changes. But it’s hard. And I know you know that. But there is something you may not know and something I want to tell you today…and it’s that I am sorry.

I’m sorry I no longer stop to look into those blue eyes with the weird orange in it but instead blow right past them as I ask you to start her bathwater while reminding you to put your shoes by the backdoor and your socks in the hamper.

I am sorry for going days without asking how you are doing, how work is going, and actually listening because I am too busy sweeping up the cereal from breakfast or wiping off the counter from lunch. I am sorry for all of the times I get frazzled and yell at you for not taking out the trash, putting your bowl in the dishwasher, or hanging up your bath towel at night. I am sorry for pushing away your hugs or not kissing you because I am on a mission to put away her toys or fold the clothes I left in the dryer. You know, the ones that I have shamefully “fluffed” all week?

I am sorry for the times I take for granted your attention…your presence…your love.

Speaking of love? I am sorry for not telling you I love you. I know I say it when we are getting off the phone or when you are rushing out the door for work, but can I be honest? It’s out of habit. There isn’t much feeling behind it. I am sure you have probably noticed. But please know that I do. I love you with every fiber of my being.

And just one more thing, I am sorry for not being fun anymore. Because I used to be fun, right? And we used to laugh together, didn’t we? I mean, I know we still laugh, but it’s just not the same. And I know it’s because I have allowed the stress of becoming a foster mommy overnight to take away my carefree attitude. It’s taken away my playfulness with you and what little spontaneity I had. But know that I am trying to get back to that place again. It’s just hard because there are so many thoughts running through my mind. So many things that were still needing to be checked off the “to do” list. And so many days where I go through the motions. But I know these are just excuses. And for that, I am also sorry.

I realize I maybe should have told you all of these things earlier. Perhaps I should have been stopping to look into your eyes, the ones that are…well, just magical sooner, but I didn’t. However, today I am. I’m choosing to stop and remember that moment nine years ago. That moment when I fell head over heels in love with you. Because no matter what has happened or changed in our lives, I know that I must never forget what took my breath away. I must never forget to stop and remember our first date…our first kiss in a McDonald’s parking lot…or the first time we said I love you. I must never let so much of life get in the way that I forget what started it all, which were those blue eyes with the weird orange in them…

With all my love~

Spring Break just me

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40 thoughts on “A Letter to My Husband Since Becoming a Foster Mommy”

  1. Sometimes the stresses and the rush of everyday life gets in the way of the things we love the most. It is good to make time for that love and those memories 🙂

  2. A beautiful letter! The rush of life, without children can be enough to drive some couples apart. And, the rush of life with children, I honestly cannot even imagine. But, I believe couples who remember to take that extra moment and slow down with each other are the ones that will survive it all the best, and I believe you and your husband are that kind of couple. Wishing you more magical moments of love!

    1. Thanks sugars! I think the hardest part for us has been the fact that we were not originally foster parents. And so when we voluntarily agreed to keep her for two weeks (and now it’s been 18 months) we feel frazzled. Kinda like being in a spin cycle of a washing machine. Does that make sense? It’s been kind of hard for me to catch my footing at times.

      1. This is the very nature of being a mother. Foster or otherwise. Balance is key, and always placing your marriage of utmost importance. Recognizing this, and making the choice everyday and in those small moments are so very important <3

  3. Such an important reminder, especially when there are kids! Life has so many interruptions and plan changes, kids really add to that. You aren’t alone in trying to catch your footing! Good job putting this out there!!!

  4. Love this. And you are not alone. I think so many of us could have written a very similar letter to our significant others. Life gets busy, we get stressed and we so quickly take for granted the most important people in our lives. You are amazing for putting this out there online and sharing your heart with us. It’s a good reminder to me to hold my husband a little tighter tonight and to say “I love you” to him, not out of habit, but because I love him and his deep brown eyes and devilishly handsome smile. <3

  5. What a heart-felt post. It’s sometimes tough to remember to look beyond the busyness of life. This is such a great reminder for all of us to be intentional about loving the ones in our lives. Hope that you guys already made up and could go on a date night soon!

    1. Ha! Date nights are near impossible with a foster kiddo :/. Not everyone is allowed to watch her so they are few and far between :(.

  6. While I can’t relate, I know that every mom can!! I’m sure its so easy to let motherhood outshine being a wife. Thanks for being real and sharing your heart!! Thankful for forgiveness from our spouses and from Jesus!

  7. This is a beautiful letter to your husband. And a great reminder for us all to stop more often to remember how and why we fell in love.

  8. It’s crazy how our relationships start out and then this thing called life happens. Since my step-son moved in with us 9 months ago I have noticed very similar things. Granted he is almost 18 but it’s still another person in the house to take care of. I often think about how it used to be when it was just the two of us and we had all the time in the world together. What a difference adding a person makes right?! I also know that with a baby on the way it won’t get easier to have time together and it’s so important to stop and remember that our relationship as husband and wife should come first. Of course, it’s easier said that done right? But I think it’s amazing of you to put it out there and recognize it. I think a lot of us struggle with this. Thank you for this post. Prayers for you guys 🙂 HUGS

    1. Yes it’s so crazy how things can so quickly change. I think for us it has been so hard to adjust to this abrupt change because we literally had no warning…no preparation…no nothing for her arrival. We were not even foster parents at the time so it’s not like I was sitting by my phone waiting for a placement. It just happened. And not only that, but when we were asked to keep her, we were told it would be 2 weeks to a month. So we were NOT prepared! LOL! Needless to say, I have felt like I have been in the spin cycle of a washing machine for the last 18 months. I am adjusting but goodness it’s been a challenge. I am praying for you and the precious miracle you have on the way. It will be hard I am sure at first but I just know you will do an amazing job! xoxo

  9. This is a beautiful post. I can definitely relate. I try really hard to make sure my husband feels his value, but I sometimes fail miserably. Thank you for sharing your heart and the truth with us – what you have shown isn’t dirty laundry, but real life and bravery. Sharing this much is brave. Praying that you guys are able to reignite the spark.

  10. Being a momma isn’t easy. Whether your body worked hard to bring that new soul into the world or not. You perfectly explained my life right now….with a 5yo daughter and a 10 month old son…a full time job…a part time photography business…blogging…pinterest influencer….the many MANY hats a woman wears? It’s overwhelming. No wonder there’s such a boom in the anxiety medicine field. I think it’s important to have the first picture of you and your husband hanging somewhere that you will see it everyday. It’s a constant reminder of where you started, what made you fall head over heels and why you continue to choose each other day in and day out despite life’s constant curve balls zinging past your heads. 🙂

  11. Lovely and sincere letter. Reading your blog post I dont find you give your husband for granted. To me you seem still very much in love. But life does get in between.
    I think I also tend to prioritize housework and to do lists too much.. but then if we didn’t things would be even more of a mess.
    Big hug. xx

  12. With the exception of a few details, dates/locations, this is exactly what has been on my heart lately too. Thanks for sharing and know that you are not alone in the struggle.

  13. This is such a timely post for me. I’m feeling this way with my husband as we take care of our 13-month-old micropreemie. It’s HARD. And stressful. And I’m the one who organizes everything and stays on top of our household, so I totally get it. We’re working on getting back to that happy place, too!

    1. I totally get it!! My role at our house is the same. He is great about helping with chores and entertaining her when he gets home from work but I still feel so overwhelmed and disconnected. It’s been a whirlwind the last 18 months that’s for sure.

  14. I love this letter! It’s been the same way with J and I this summer. He’s rushing off to work mowing and trimming trees, trying to make up for my loss of income and summer just hasn’t been it’s normal fun and carefree time it usually is. Thank you for sharing and just always being so honest about how hard life can be sometimes and that we all go through it.

  15. Elisha!!! Girl what in the world!!???? I am sitting here face drenched in tears this letter was so heartfelt and honest, it wasn’t even written to me and I feel like I just want to reach out give you a big hug and say I accept your apology. This is beautiful, I mean really simply the love of God being poured out through you onto that ugly situation that our selfish flesh sometimes get us caught up in. The devil thought he had you but he didn’t ;=) This love letter was a straight knock out!! Can someone say VICTORY! LOL… Okay, maybe I’m doing to much but this was awesome I am so proud of you. I am praying that the friendship, loveship, marriageship ( I know I made those words up;=) that you and your husband share will continue to grow stronger through every situation and that the flames of your love will never die but only grow brighter and brighter each day. Thanks for sharing Elisha.

    Be A Blessing!


  16. I read this with tears in my eyes. There’s so much here for me to learn as my husband and I are pursuing becoming foster parents now. Thank you for your raw honesty, Elisha!

    1. You are so welcome Kelli! I think the big thing for us was that since we were not foster parents in the beginning (we were part of a volunteer program called Safe Families for Children that just kept children for a few weeks), we were ill prepared for this. We were not mentally prepared to keep a child longer than two weeks. It’s been a whirlwind that’s for sure 🙂 So just prepare yourself and you will be fine 🙂 xo

    1. I think if you are aware of what could happen up front, then it won’t be so bad. We literally got her over night and was only expecting to have her for two weeks. Needless to say we were not prepared spiritually, emotionally, or mentally for this. I think had we been, things would feel or be a bit different. So no worries girl! Keep God first and even if things get “rocky”, He will sustain you through it all. xo

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