Waiting for Baby Bird

An Open Letter to My Fertile Family

Elisha

An open letter to my fertile family

As we all gathered together around a cozy campfire to devour our roasted hot dogs, bowls of chili, and mounds of pasta salad, I could hear to the left talk of a nursery and the upcoming baby shower. Directly behind, I overheard someone discuss the struggles and joys of going from one child to two. To the right were your precious three and four-year old’s giggling together while you tried to bribe them into eating something other than their mouth-watering sugar cookie. And as I sat there, slowly eating my hotdog and listening to everyone’s conversations, I found myself going in and out of a trance as I watched my beautiful sister-in-law unknowingly rub her adorable baby bump.

With all that was going on around me, I could not help but take notice that each one of you is–well, very much fertile. Therefore, as I continued to scan the yard and listen to your conversations, a part of me wanted to be green with jealousy as conceiving seems to come easy and natural to all of you. Another part wanted to run and hide as I felt shame. Even embarrassment. Because my mind kept going towards the thought that maybe I have done something wrong to deserve this. Or that I am not deemed worthy or good enough to be a mother. Because why else am I so different from the rest of you? Why else am I having so much trouble?

It is usually in these moments when I feel jealousy, bitterness, anger, and shame that I want to retreat and feel sorry for myself. I want to crawl under the covers and bury my face into the pillows. Or be alone as I take a long hot shower and let the tears pour down my face. And on that particular day, it was no different. I wanted to leave. The empty field behind me and the woods before me looked inviting. And as difficult as this is to admit, I shamefully remember at one particular moment, where I wanted to jump up and scream before running off, “Would you please stop having babies!”

Goodness, I felt so guilty. It’s easy to get upset and not feel the slightest bit of guilt when you see a pregnant woman who doesn’t value their pregnancy. But to have anger? And jealousy? And bitterness (even for a second) overflow to you–my family members—who I know have as much right to a child and who will cherish each one was disturbing for me. After all, you are the people I love the most. You are my brother, my sister-in-law, my cousins, aunts, and uncles. You are my flesh and blood.

And believe it or not, most days, walking through infertility or being around others who are experiencing the joys of parenting isn’t this hard.  It’s not always on my mind. Or a thought in my head. Honestly, it’s not.  And when it is?  It is usually just a hope-filled thought of “not yet” or “someday it will be my turn.” But then there are days like that one at the cookout. Days and events when I am surrounded by hundreds of moments, reminding me of what I am not.  And I feel alone. I feel different. I feel insecure. And I believe the lie that I am an outcast. A leper that no one, and I mean no one, understands or that anyone seems to truly care about the struggles my husband and I are going through.

But deep down, I know that’s not the case. It’s simply not true.

Because each of you knows about my struggle to conceive, you are compassionate towards our situation. In fact, I couldn’t ask for a better family that is as loving and supportive as you are to me. Not every family will send cards and text messages offering encouragement. But you do. And so I know without a shadow of a doubt that none of you would do or say anything to cause me more pain intentionally. Therefore please forgive me for those moments when I forget that your conversations about children and pregnancies are natural and normal. And please extend to me grace when I lose myself for a moment and become jealous of this season of life you are in. I don’t mean to. Honest, I don’t.

But sometimes, some days are just harder than others. 

The grief I experience over my circumstances can best be described as the rain. On some days, it’s like a light mist or sometimes a sprinkle. While other days, the grief comes pouring down on me like a quick, unexpected afternoon rainstorm. And when this happens, my emotions take over, and I get swept away.

I didn’t expect the grief to come and sweep me away that day. As I said, infertility was something I thought I had come to peace with. You know, a mist. Or, at best, a light sprinkle. But the shame, the embarrassment, the insecurity, and the awareness that I am different all surfaced, much like that unexpected afternoon storm. None of you noticed, though, right? Or at least I hope you didn’t. Because after four years of this war against infertility, I have learned to come prepared for these storms that rage within myself. I have learned to carry around an umbrella as I find refuge in the hope that this isn’t the end of my story. The curtain hasn’t closed. And God has a purpose and a plan for my long path to parenthood. I have learned to lean on Him during these moments rather than pull back or run to the woods. I’ve learned to whisper His name instead of words of envy. And most of all, I have learned that when the rain comes, to dance in it.

So, to my family members who continue to grow effortlessly and I continue to struggle, I want you to know that while there will always be conversations that cause a “sting,” I still want to hear you talk about them. I still want to watch you rub your belly, discuss your nursery plans, or talk about the struggles of parenting. This is your life right now. This is the beautiful season you are in, and I wouldn’t want myself or anyone else to miss out on a single second of it. So please, don’t worry about me. I’m okay. No, really, I am. I’ve got my umbrella and, hopefully, some awesome dance moves.

With all my love,

Kennedy's partyElisha

If you are struggling with infertility, I encourage you to write your own letter to your family members. Let them in on the struggles you face—the feelings you have and the pain you feel. Just make sure you do it in love and with grace.

I would love to connect with you personally, so if you liked this post, pass it on. Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!

If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who “get it,” then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” enter into exclusive giveaways, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

141 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Fertile Family”

    2. I’m with you! This post was beautiful, and conveys a lot of the feelings I have. Most days are good and others, well the negative feelings hit you out of no where.

      1. Praying for you sugars! ANd it is o good to know that I am not alone in my feelings as well. Those unexpected storms can catch you so off guard. But I am more prepared for them than when I first started this journey. xo

  2. Thank you for sharing; this post couldn’t be any more true than it is. Some day’s are easier than others, but we just have to stay hopeful in all that we do : )

    1. Yes we do…hope and my faith is the only thing that gets me through the sprinkle and the unexpected rain storms. Hugs to you! xo

      1. Currently we are going thru adoption and every day waiting is more like a summer down pour, Lol. So I understand those days! Thank you : )

    1. So glad I am not alone. This post has sat in my drafts folder since December. And before that? It has sat in my journal, tucked away for one to see. But today? I thought I would just go ahead and share my heart. I’m glad you can relate. 🙂 xo

      1. 24 years ago your letter could of been written by me and your words today still made me tear up. Mine is a happy story. No I never got pregnant but my husband and I adopted the most beautiful little baby you have ever seen. Once our little baby girl was rested in our arms all of the feelings that infertility bring were now replaced with pure joy. This was what God intended for us I was convinced then and I am still convinced today because if I would of gotten pregnant I would of never had my daughter. When other people were talking about their journey’s of having children; we had our own beautiful story and everyone listened and loved our beautiful baby. She completed our lives and still does. You don’t completely forget about the pain you once had but I can honestly say; until you are reminded as I was in your letter it pretty much is replaced. I wish I could convince everyone not to continue the pain of infertility and to chose another path; adoption was the answer to our prayers. I wish you joy, happiness and love.

  4. I’m so thankful for you! I have been at that bbq more than once and while it’s great to know someone else 100% completely “gets” me. I pray for breakthrough each day for all who have known what it’s like to be at that bbq. xoxo God is on the move and He is working on our situations. We’re one day closer!

    1. Amen girl! I am thankful for this season of my life because it has brought me so much closer to Him and so much more of a believer in His goodness and faithfulness. I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. xo

    1. You are so welcome! Praying for you right now and asking God to wrap His arms of peace around you as He opens your womb and fills it abundantly! xo

  10. Reblogged this on (In)fertility & Marriage and commented:
    This last weekend, I went to a four year old birthday party. The conversation around me echoed vibrations of potty training, the best school, pregnancy symptoms, picky eaters, lack of sleep and any other conversation possible reminding me that we do not have children. I excused myself (not that any one noticed, since I had no contribution to the conversation) and found myself in their bathroom, tears filling my eyes. I gained composure, found my husband, gathered my belongings and fled the scene without much of a good bye. Saturday. was. hard. I have started and restarted a blog regarding this incident several times since, but fortunately for me, someone else was able to place the words I was looking for, into the following beautiful blog. Enjoy.

  11. This so beautifully captures the conflicting feelings we have when in this place in life. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and transparency…I have totally been reaffirmed and reminded that how I feel on different days is both normal and okay.

    I would like to reblog this…

    1. Thank you so much Lia for your sweet words and being so supportive of me as well. And I would be honored to have you reblog this 🙂

  12. Reblogged this on Clearing Out The Rubble and commented:
    We may not know the specific experience of infertility specifically, but we all can relate to the feeling of experiencing ‘infertility’ in some area in our lives. I really appreciate the author’s honest and transparency. Her words comfort me by reminding me that my feelings are both normal and okay…

    I hope you are blessed by her words and her experiences…

  13. Beautiful, girl. I love your honesty, as always, and that you’re not going to let bitterness and envy take root in you.

    1. Thank you so much Lisa! You are always so supportive and encouraging to not only myself, but others. So thank you!! You are awesome! xo

  14. Reblogged this on Ramblings of a Barren Heart and commented:
    This is a really moving and honest blog post. I can’t even tell the number of times I have felt like this so it is nice to have my feelings validated and to know that others have felt the same.

  16. This is heartbreakingly beautiful. I found myself nodding my head in agreement as I read all of it.

    I come from a bigger family (4 kids, I’m the oldest) and we are approaching a season of life in our family of marriages and engagements. I know that means nieces and nephews will not be far off. Many of my friends have been in this season for a few years now as well.

    I hope that I can keep this post, and the grace you have shown yourself and members of your family, in mind however short or long the rest of our infertility journey may be. THANK YOU for sharing!

    1. Kaity….my number one advice is to start praying now against those nasty feelings and thoughts of bitterness, anger, envy and jealousy! I have been doing that since day one and it has helped tremendously! I realized one day that you buy insurance BEFORE you get hurt and the same principle applies BEFORE the moment happens and you see yourself standing face to face in a situation where she is pregnant…and you are not. So make it a part of your prayer life each day that God guard your heart, your mind and your soul during these seasons of life. xo

  17. You always write so beautifully, and capture everything that the rest of us are feeling and thinking. Thank you so much for sharing!

  18. I agree with Savannah Mae…Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. My rainy, stormy days get in the way of my writing and if I had written this it would have been written in my strongest emotion at the time, probably anger. But this is the “calmed down, done crying” version of what I would have wanted to say. Beautifully written. Thank you for posting.

  19. I am sorry for the rainstorms. I so want it to be your turn. In the meantime, I want to thank and applaud you for writing with such love and candour and for being pure, beautiful, honest you.

    1. Awww thank you for your sweet and encouraging words! You are so supportive and it means the WORLD to me! Seriously! It does! xo

  20. I am so sorry that you are even in this situation to have these feelings. I so pray for your babies to come soon. HUGS

    1. Oh thank you so much sugars! But it’s totally okay! We all have our struggles… Mine is infertility but my cousin? Hers is lupus. I just gotta keep things in perspective 🙂

  23. I love this!!!!!!!!!
    I’ve recently began having such enormous amounts of jealousy towards other pregnant people/people with children, it is absolutely sickening me…..I needed this.
    Thank you….maybe I’ll write my own letter soon…<3

    1. The one thing I have learned to do early on is pray against the jealousy, envy, and bitterness feelings. I do this even before I think I might or will see someone pregnant because I know that in the moment, is not a good time to be praying. Because let’s be honest? Our emotions can overtake us sometimes and our prayers don’t seem to reach higher than the ceiling (not saying He doesn’t hear them but you get my drift). Instead, I pray against those feelings every day…even when I am not dealing with them. And it’s because I realized that just like we buy insurance BEFORE we are hurt, we should pray BEFORE we are hurt. To have God already working in our hearts and minds so that when it comes, it doesn’t overtake us to the point of no return. Does that make sense? Praying for you right now and YES, you should write your own letter. If anything, it is very therapeutic 🙂

      1. Thank you, so much for all your kind/inspirational words!
        Your blog has helped me so much! I follow on Facebook also:)
        I understand what you mean completely on the life insurance analogy…perfect sense!!!! Someone told me something similar about a different situation earlier today actually!
        Thank you, girl!! You, too!!! ❤️

  26. This is a very sweet letter! It is very true for me as well! I am the only one on my side of the family who has not had a bio child and I believe the same on my husbands side! My husband is Hmong and his family ALWAYS has someone who is pregnant or just had a baby, and they always seem to ask when we are having our own or more kids because no one has just 1! It’s a hard topic and they don’t seem to understand any of it! This letter was very sweet and I loved it! Thank you!

    1. Oh sugars! I am so sorry that you are going through this pain too :/ I am praying today that you do not have to travel this road much longer. Hugs to you! xo

  27. I have similar feelings. 2 of my close friends are pregnant with baby#2. I feel so lonely and
    left alonealonell the time. Hope we all get our miracle babies soon.

    1. praying for you today Danya. I am praying Deuteronomy 28:11 over you! “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb…” xo

  28. I know how you feel. However, I haven’t a man in my life to father a child, and I am almost 40, in less than a month. My time is over. I grieve for what will never be. Hopefully you’ll have your children.

    1. Oh sugars!! I am so sorry for your pain. But 40 isn’t old. My grandma had my mom at 43. And my pastors wife just had her baby at 42. Please don’t put an expiration date on your dreams 🙂 They don’t expire unless we let them. Xo

  29. It’s hard but when people are nice and caring, it’s easier to be happy for them. hope your turn comes soon. xx

  30. Ah, this is so true. That last paragraph. Yes it’s hard sometimes, but yes, I’m ok. And for me, I NEED to see all the little ones, snuggle all the newborns. It’s therapeutic.

    1. So glad I am not alone in my feelings! Hugs to you sugars as you continue to show so much love and grace to your family as well during this tough season in your life. xo

  31. This has definitely been my story on many occasions through our 8 year journey of infertility! After5 years of countless doctor visits, we decided to completely put it in God’s hands! And boy did He show out! He gave us our blessing from above by allowing an adoption to take place! I came to the place of asking myself “Do I want to be a Mommy? Or do I want to be pregnant?” Our sweet girl is 3 and is the biggest blessing we could’ve ever been given! God has been so faithful to us and I am confidant your blessing is coming! He is an on time God! I will be praying for you!

    1. oh I just love the positive outlook you have! I can seriously feel the joy and love in your words! God is so good to give our hearts exactly what we need! Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are a blessing. xo

  32. I use to think that infertility was the exception, and that any married woman over 25 who had not yet had children was selfish. I was quiet in my judgement. Then after having 3 healthy children with minimally complicated pregnancies in 5 years of marriage. Then things went to Hell. It took me 14 months and surgery to get pregnant with number 4, poor poor me, the mom with 3 beautiful children struggling with ‘infertility’. But while relativity makes my struggle absolutely insignificant going through it was very real. The emotional roller coaster, the dashed hopes, turning sex into a chore, miscarriage (very early), the (legal) drugs, the pain, the babies coming at you from every angle, the confusion of “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?”. And I was about to give up, close our family at 3.
    As soon as they found what was actually wrong with me I became pregnant immediately. It was followed by 9 months of sickness, a complicated delivery, more surgery, and 14 months to start feeling alive again.

    The lessons I learned were immense, they not only changed my perception but influenced every aspect of my personality.
    Fertility is the exception, I am a better person, and children are a blessing.

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am so thankful that God gave the doctors wisdom to find out what was wrong with you! Whoo hooo!! And I would agree that infertilty has also made me a better person. I have grown so much spiritually and have learned what true faith looks like…you know, more than just a lip service but with actions behind it. Up until this moment in my life, it was easy. I didn’t struggle for anything. I didn’t need to pray for the impossible. I didn’t need to run to His arms when I was feeling unsettled.

      Once again, thank you for sharing your journey with me and everyone else who will come across your comment 🙂

  34. You have been such a gift to me! Your words of wisdom often seem as though God is speaking to me through your writings. I have been praying that God blesses you for being His faithful servant. Thank you for sharing so candidly and honest about your own journey and feelings. It truly is a breath of fresh air and a relief to see that so many other Godly women struggle with the same raw emotions that I feel after 3 years of unexplained infertility. It is such a valley, at times even a hell, to go through but I thank God for the blessing your blog and Facebook group have been for me these past few months. You rock!

    1. Oh Laura…you are so sweet! Your words of support and encouragement mean so much to me and inspire me to keep writing and sharing my struggles and thoughts (even the ones I think I should keep to myself) with the world. I want you to know that I am praying for you. I do not have unexplained infertility, but I have several friends that do and they express how frustrating it is to not have an answer. But you know what? You do have an answer. It is simply Jesus. He knows exactly what is going on in your body and just like He healed all who came to Him, I am believing that He will heal you as well. Just go and sit at His feet every morning. Talk to Him. Tell Him what your need…Tell Him you love Him and then let Him work on you from the inside out. These are not words I just tell anyone…these are words that I feel He is wanting me to tell you today. To remind you that just like you take a broken car to the shop and leave it there, you can tell yourself to His feet and leave your problems, your cares, your burdens, your worries and your broken heart and He will fix it all. He wants you to know that He loves you and you are not forgotten. xo

  35. I remember these feelings so so many times. I love how transparent this is. I feel weird now on the other side though. Because our cousin has been struggling to conceive her 2nd for 4 years now. At the 4th cookout everyone kept asking me baby questions and I tried to change the subject. It’s so hard because I want to scream “can we just not talk about it right now?” because I know how bad she is hurting. I can’t wait until you have a baby bump to rub in the midst of that fertile family of yours <3 Praying for your miracle.

    1. Oh I am praying for your cousin today. I am praying that He open her womb and bless her abundantly according to Deuteronomy 28:11. And I am praying Leviticus 26:9 over her as it says, “I will look on you with favor and make you fruitfl and increase your numbers and I will keep my covenant with you.”

      And I can’t wait to have that bump too 🙂 hehe! But I think my family will be rubbing it more than me! They are all praying for me and are seriously all supportive and cannot wait for that day! It brings me to tears just thinking about how overjoyed they will be when I make my announcement.

      1. This second paragraph – I know that feeling! I’m just as(or almost anyway) excited about when I will get to tell all of my family and close friends that have supported me that I am finally pregnant as I am about getting pregnant! I think there will be a party. And many, many tears of thanksgiving.

  36. This is beautiful! You are an incredible writer with a beautiful soul! I know you are going to get your miracle one day soon. Thank you for sharing! I am so proud of you.

    1. oh thank you so much Katie for your sweet and kind words of encouragement! I needed them today! Hugs to you! xo

  37. Elisha, what a beautiful writer you are. Expressed so poignantly. I have walked your same path and cried your same tears. I didn’t marry until I was thirty-eight, and then didn’t get pregnant for seven more years. I hated mother’s day! Not only was I not a mother, but my own mother had died. One day, without trying, I found myself pregnant, only to lose the baby a few months later. And then the miracle happened. Someone asked if I would try again or pursue an adoption and I said I would take them however the Lord sent them. She knew of a girl that was going to place a baby and soon after my arms were filled with that blessing that I had longed for, way past my normal child bearing years. If I can offer any advice it would only be to say that the Lord knows who your children are and somehow, sometime they will come to you. Bless you in your journey and may your empty arms and heart know great rejoicing.

  38. Beautifully written. U explained everything we feel perfectly. I felt guilty at times that I didn’t show much excitement with my SILs pregnancy. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it or I rather stay away from it just to avoid the bitter feelings.

    1. Totally understand this! It’s okay to distance yourself if you fear bitterness might overtake you and you say or do something you regret. Once I realized I was having trouble but everyone around me wasn’t…I immediatly began praying for God to guard my heart against the bitterness, envy and jealousy. I didn’t want it to consume me or overtake me. At first I only prayed when it hit me, but that’s when I learned it was too late. My emotions had already swept me up. That’s when I began praying every day regarding it. I figured I don’t buy insurance after I am hurt so why only pray for help when I need it? Don’t get me wrong I still need to pray in those moments but I do feel the praying ahead of time is helping even more. Hugs to you sugars! xo

  39. My sister-in-law is about to have her first child and there are days when it just kills me inside. I want what she has. It is such a silent struggle. The comments that people say to me I know are not meant to hurt, but many don’t understand. Especially my family. Thank you for this post. Thank you. I’m in tears as I struggle with pcos, but I know I will make it through. No matter what happens.

    1. I am so sorry for your hurt, pain and struggle! It’s not an easy journey but I am often reminded of Isaiah 43:2 which says, “When you go THROUGH deep waters, I will be with you. When you go THROUGH rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk THROUGH the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”

      We will get THROUGH this and when we do? We will be better than before. Hang in there! xo

  40. You have explained your feelings so beautifully and I know exactly how you feel. I have felt all of these things 🙂 I love the way you describe your grief and sadness like the rain, I have never thought of that before, but it is a perfect example 🙂
    I hope you get a few sunny days 🙂 I had a downpour last week, but since then the skies have been pretty clear 🙂 Hugs to you!

    1. Thank you so much for your sweet words! I haven’t had too many days of a downpour but when they hit? Geez louize! haha! I’m praying for you hun! I know last week was tough for you. Hang in there. We will get through this together! xo

  41. How very honest and true. So many times I’ve begged people to understand my unspoken plea to, “yes, please tell me your baby news, breast feeding woes, funny/awful nappy tales and don’t hide your stories/jokes from me & my empty belly/arms. There are days I’ll oo and aah with you and other days I’ll have insanely bitter crazy-lady thoughts & feelings, but it’s all me & I love you, really!” 🙂

  42. Years ago when I was in the youth group at my church, I remember our youth leaders getting up in church and giving their testimony. What our youth leader’s wife said has remained with me to this day. She described her struggles with infertility, and all that it entailed, but what stuck with me was that she said it made her feel like a failure as a woman, and as a wife.

    Fast forward several years, and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I’ll be honest, I didn’t have this big, long, drawn out battle, we ended up being only two months getting pregnant, but standing at the beginning of it, I didn’t know what the future held, and my youth leader’s wife’s testimony was ringing in my ears. Failure and shame were words that I repeated regularly in mind. For no known medical/scientific reason known to me, my hormones seemingly straightened themselves out….and now I have three kids. The only thing I did was, prior to conceiving my first, I prayed and believed that God was hearing my prayer, and I believed He was going to answer it as if it had already been answered.

    And that youth leader? She was pregnant with her first at the time of giving that difficult testimony.

    So my point is don’t give up hope!! God is hearing your prayers!! Lifting you up in prayer!

    1. Amen! Thank you so much for sharing your story and testimony with me and all of the others who will stumble upon this page and read it for years to come. I firmly believe in Mark 11:24 which says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” We have to pray and then believe that what we prayed for is ours before we receive it. That’s faith. The world will tell us that we can’t believe it until we see it. But God? He says to believe you have received it and then you will see it. So I totally agree with you! Once again, thank you for sharing! xo

  43. Oh Sweetie, I so feel your pain on this one. 2 Sisters = 9 nieces and nephews for me. Lucky for me, they were all before infertility hit. The only one that I had a tough time with was the last one and that’s because I was still single and longing to find my Soulmate and start a family. Now, I just have trouble when it feels like they’re not appreciating how lucky they are to have those kids. Sending you lots of love and big hugs. This letter was amazing and I thank you for being willing to share what is so close to your heart.

  45. I also feel this way, but when you say don’t worry I’m okay, I don’t feel like that. I feel like no one in my family really cares about my struggles, and they just carry on.

    1. Oh sugars! I am so sorry! I wish that I could come through this screen and give you a hug and whisper to you that I care. I see your pain. I know your tears. And I am praying for you! Hang in there! Don’t let go of the hope you have even if it is just a tiny piece of hope. xoxo

  46. This is absolutely perfect! I’m 6 years in and it only seems to get harder and harder with every year that passes to swallow the fact that my husband and I may never have a family of our own. There is always a constant reminder but the thing that keeps me going is trying to be the best Auntie possible to my little nephew. I find that I have the same exact feelings you described but I would never act on them either. Thank you for writing this and letting others who are experiencing the same problems and feelings know they aren’t alone. – Sandrya

    1. oh sugars! I know how you feel! I am praying for you today. I am praying that you hold on to every ounce of hope that you will have a family of your own. I love deuteronomy 28:11 and remind myself of this verse often. It helps me on the days I just start to waver. I also love Romans 2:11 which no says that God does not show favoritism. So hang in there! Love ya!

      “The Lord will grant you abundant prosperity in the fruit of your womb…” ~Deuteronomy 28:11

      “I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers and I will keep my covenant with you.” Leviticus 26:9

  47. Beautiful – and oh-so-much more graceful and kind than anything I could have written when I was going through the thick of it. You have amazing strength.

    1. Oh thank you for your sweet comment but I can’t take credit for this strength…It is seriously supernatural from the Lord. I can honestly say that prayer works. Because while I might not pray for a baby daily, I do pray for His strength and He has been so faithful to provide. xo

  48. This… was… amazing. I feel almost exactly the way you do. My in-laws constantly act like it isn’t an issue, that it’ll just magically happen, and some days that doesn’t bother me. Other days, I want to scream at them that it isn’t okay and that I feel like I’m dying watching all the younger people of the family have kids. My SIL is 20 and they’ve already had more pregnancies scares than we have. I know it isn’t her fault, and my SIL has even confessed to me that she thinks she might have fertility problems too, but some days I just can’t help but resenting them all for not having to deal with the bullsh*t I have to. The analogies to rain are perfect, because it’s true. Some days I can shrug off those feelings. “Everything happens for a reason – we aren’t ready yet, blah blah blah.” Other days, those feelings drown me – “Everything happens for a reason – you are a bad person, you’re a bad dog-mom, you’re lazy, etc.” Infertility is not only a painful physical illness but it can destroy you mentally too.

    Stay strong. I know that’s easier said than done, but that’s all we can really do. <3

    1. oh sugars!! I feel your pain and please know that today after i read your comment, I prayed for you. I prayed that through your waiting, you continue to always hold on to hope and that you do not give to the lies that you are not worthy…or good enough…or lazy…or broken…or a bad person. Because when God sees you? He sees you perfect, restored, redeemed, and fruitful. Nothing is too hard for Him and nothing will hinder Him for giving you the desires He purposefully placed in your heart. hugs! xo

  49. Your writing and your vulnerability here are so beautiful. Thanks for letting us into your world and giving a glimpse of some of the struggles and joys! My family is popping out babies like crazy and it definitely makes me long for our own little ones! Thanks again…I love this post a whole lot!

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! And please know that you are not alone! Don’t give up hope!! I am praying that soon you will be popping out a baby of your own SOON. xo

  50. I literally could have written this post myself (as you’ll see from the post I just wrote about 30 mins ago)! Thank you for your honesty and please know that you are not alone….I think I need to know how to ‘dance in the rain’ more like you! X

    1. Sometimes you just gotta start out with a slow dance…even if it feels weird and awkward…eventually, it just becomes second nature 🙂 xo

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