Waiting for Baby Bird

Infertility is More Than Just the Inability to Conceive

Elisha

 

I am not sure if you are new to infertility or if you have been on this journey for years, but I think we can all agree that it is tough. Really tough.  When I began walking this road, I wasn’t prepared. I don’t think any of us are. But for me, I was naive. I thought infertility was simply the inability to conceive after one year of actively trying; and rightfully so. Because isn’t that the definition? But ask me now, years after leaving my doctor’s office numb and confused with a diagnosis of PCOS, then going through several failed treatment cycles and a miscarriage, and I will quickly tell you that the definition Google search gave me years ago, is not even close to being accurate. And maybe you feel the same. Because infertility, when you break it down, is so much more than just the inability to conceive.

I have learned it is also a series of losses that you are forced to grieve month after month.

It’s like a grave that keeps following you around as it grabs your hope and buries more of your dreams with each failed cycle. Not to mention, it’s a fierce battle between your hope, your faith and your circumstances. A battle you must fight to win every day. And a battle that is exhausting.

Infertility is also letting your hopes soar for a few days or weeks, anticipating that surely this time, you will become parents. But to only have your hopes plummet as you watch your dreams die with yet another negative pregnancy test. It’s going from shock after seeing only one line. To denial as you find yourself running throughout the house searching and squinting for the other. All the while bargaining with God to make the impossible possible. And it’s while bargaining with Him, you become angry as you realize that He can, yet He hasn’t. And possibly won’t…at least not this time. It’s getting passed the feelings of anger and finding yourself depressed as you cry over the death of your dreams for that month. And it’s only after hours or even days of mourning the loss of what you had hoped, that you start to accept that this month was once again not the one. And so then comes the daunting task of picking yourself back up and starting all over again. Maybe with a little more hope or maybe not. Either way, your exhausted but ready to fight. Ready to chase after your dreams one.more.time.

It is watching your life be put on hold. Or even pushed backwards. It’s letting go of the plans you once had, for new ones that make you cringe. And cause your stomach to be sick. It’s wondering if you have been cursed or deemed unworthy to be called mommy. Or punished for some past sin.

Infertility is a disease. Yes, a disease that often times makes you feel different. Alone. Insecure. Embarrassed. Forgotten. Broken. And Overlooked. It makes you avoid the ones you love and doubt the God you serve. It suffocates your hope. Weakens your faith. And steals your joy. It makes you feel helpless as there is little you can do to change your condition. And if there is? You have tried it.

It’s sadness and emptiness as you walk by the bedroom that should be a nursery. It’s loneliness as your house is quiet and absent from the pitter patters of tiny feet in the morning or giggles from bath time at night. It’s frustration that leads to desperation as you try every vitamin recommended, test suggested, treatment procedure offered, medicine given, and diet instructed.

Infertility is desperately longing to be pregnant. Wanting to know what it feels like to have a life growing inside of you. A life that has your eyes and his smile. A life that you created in love. It’s dreaming of the day you are able to watch your husband’s face light up when he feels them kick for the first time. Or show off every ultrasound picture to even the sweet cashier at the local grocery store. It’s wishing for the day you have a newborn lay on your chest as you frantically count their tiny fingers and wiggly toes. But it’s also worrying and being scared that this dream might never happen.

It’s breaking down and purchasing the blanket…that one soft blanket you absolutely fell in love with in the store. And it’s bringing it home and holding it up to your cheek while laying in bed and wondering. Wondering if it will ever be used for something other than to soak up your tears every night.

Infertility is begging and pleading to God for Him to rescue you. But through your tears and heartache, telling Him you will still love Him even if He doesn’t. It’s convincing yourself every day with a lump in your throat that His plans are best.  His timing is perfect. And that it will happen. One day…you hope. It’s not only saying that God is good, but that He is good to you despite your feelings and circumstances. All while trying to understand why prostitutes, drug addicts and those who abuse their children have such a blessing. It’s biting your tongue when someone tells you “it must not be God’s will” or shaking your fists to the heavens after suffering a miscarriage. It’s frustrating. It’s gut-wrenching…

And it’s more than just the inability to conceive. 

But sweet sister, can I just whisper hope into your heart today? Because I can’t help but believe that the pain you and I feel, the dead-end roads we have faced, and the dreams that have buried with our tears are all ingredients for the miracle we have been praying every night for. I know it looks impossible and seems hopeless right now, but if you hadn’t noticed, there is rarely ever a miracle without first the overwhelming pain of a problem; a problem that is full of heartache and frustration that causes tears, sleepless nights, disappointments and intense grief. But also, a problem that God has proven time and time again isn’t a problem at all–at least not to Him. Because did you know that there are seven couples in the bible who were unable to conceive? Seven. And all seven by His grace overcame. So hold on. Don’t become too discouraged after another failed cycle. Or allow fear to creep into your thoughts that you will never become a mom. Instead, hold onto hope that things can change. And then mix it with faith to believe they will. After all, I can’t help but think your problem, and my problem,are simply creating the perfect breeding grounds for a miracle.

A miracle that God has shown He can and does desire to perform.

With Love

“In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”  ~Albert Einstein

“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”  ~Napoleon Hill

I would love to connect with you on a personal level, so if you liked this post, pass it on.Then come find Waiting for Baby Bird on the public Facebook page or join me on Instagram @waitingforbabybird. I can’t wait to “meet” you!If you are looking for a faith-based infertility community of other women who just “get it”, then head over to the *PRIVATE* Waiting for Baby Bird Support group for hope + encouragement. There you will find opportunities to ask for prayer, watch *LIVE* encouragement videos from me, author of “Waiting for Baby Bird,” enter into exclusive giveaways, as well as be able to share your heart with others on the same path, and so much more! So what are you waiting for? Find us here!

 

86 thoughts on “Infertility is More Than Just the Inability to Conceive”

  1. This resonates so deeply with me. Just today, when I thought I had escaped thoughts of infertility for a brief time (on holiday with my husband in a beautiful sunny European city), I was forced to confront it in the most painful way. An unpleasant toilet attendant in a grotty public toilet pointed at my stomach, patting her own stomach as if to say, is there a baby in there? (I was wearing a dress with pleats in the front which made it billow out a bit, but there was sadly, no baby in there). It was humiliating and awful and I felt utterly abandoned by God, just for a moment. Then I remembered all I have to be thankful for, my lovely husband, the fact we can take lovely holidays together, my wonderful family, and perhaps most of all, my beautiful niece who was born yesterday, 7 weeks premature, a miracle in herself and a reminder that things can change. I know I have so much to be grateful to God for, and I do not feel abandoned, rather, blessed. Thanks as ever for your encouragement : )

  2. I’ve been reading you for a while since I also have PCOS and have struggled with infertility. I can understand relying on God and trusting in him but I’m also reminded of The Parable of the Flood. God can give you many different ways to become a parent and he gave you science. For me, not taking an active part in my infertility would be something against God.

    1. Thank you Sarah for commenting so that I can hopefully further explain my situation. But I must ask…who said I was not taking an active part in my fertility? And I agree God can give many ways to become a parent. For those who are adopting…getting that match phone call is a miracle because maybe they have been waiting for years. There is the miracle in finally having a 5th round of IVF working. There is the miracle of a 8th IUI finally bringing home their rainbow baby. I never limited to what a miracle was…I said the miracle they have been praying for. Also, just because science works for you or my best friend (which it does) doesn’t mean it works for me. The medicines did not deal well with my body. I had more complications with them than without. And I don’t have peace at this time using them. Even my doctors thought my body didn’t respond in a healthy manner. But that doesn’t mean others do not. We are all different. Our bodies are all different. I am just choosing to try and manage my PCOS through diet and exercise. Does that make me wrong in my approach to become a parent? I don’t think so. Just like I don’t think it is wrong for someone else to use medicine. Also, I do use medicine…I use Metformin to help possibly with the insulin resistance and ovulation.

      Once again thank you for commenting and following 🙂 I hope I was able to clarify a few things for you. 🙂

      1. I just stumbled on this blog. My husband and I longed for children and I was diagnosed with PCOS. With the help of fertility drugs we conceived our twins after 11 years of trying. I went on Metformin and conceived my youngest without fertility drugs. I call him my Hannah baby. Infertility is difficult and trying. Without our faith in God I don’t know how we would of made it through those difficult years.

      2. I applaud your efforts to control your PCOS with diet and exercise. I went through 7 years of fertility treatment that did not work UNTIL I lost weight and took control of my diet and exercise..then all the shots and triggers weren’t needed…a simple round of clomid did it! The PCOS is your enemy and it must be defeated…don’t feed it carbs!. It makes the biggest difference, and I hope it works for you, too! Prayers your way and hopes for sticking with your health plan..I know it is hard..I am still struggling with it so I can keep my health well enough to be around as long as possible for my kids, since I got started a decade later than I planned. My heart feels for you!

      3. Thanks so much for your incredible support and encouragement. It is so hard to avoid the carbs but you have given me so much encouragement to keep going and sticking to it. So thank you! It means more than you will ever realize.

      4. Maybe I misunderstood what I’ve read. I understand you’ve gone through different treatments and they’ve fail. You believe you heard God speak to you and told you to stop treatments etc. PCOS is hard to manage. Diet and exercise don’t always work. I guess my thinking is not just trying one thing and there is not one path to parenthood. There are so many ways to become a parent why get “stuck” going one way?

      5. I understand what you are saying and I fully believe that God has different ways for us all to achieve parenthood. I believe that for me, He has chosen for me to not seek treatments. But that may not be the case for everyone. My body did not do well with the meds. It caused a lot of side effects that I could not manage. But that is not the case with everyone’s bodies. For me, diet and exercise has worked much better in consoling my insulin and high blood pressure associated with pcos far better than all the medications I have been on. Once again, this is not the case for everyone. This is the case or me.

      6. Also, I don’t see myself as trying one thing. I first tried treatments and now I am trying diet and exercise along with some medicines they have prescribed.

  3. Because I am a mommy of 1 child, I often times feel guilty about getting upset when yet another cycle goes by with another negative test. It did take me 22 months to become pregnant with my son and we are now going on 16 months waiting for #2. Sometimes the grief is overwhelming and I feel very alone. I am trying to hold out hope that the Lord will bless me with the desire he has placed on my heart, but some days can be harder than others. As always, thank you for your honesty and openness and for saying the words that I always seem to be feeling.

    1. Oh hun! I am so sorry you having to go through this worry, fear, and heartbreaking experience a second time around. But don’t you feel guilty one bit for wanting another. That is just the enemy whispering thoughts into your mind to try and beat you down and rake you across the coals for the desires God has placed in your heart. Never forget that He promises us that when we delight in Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts. I wish I could tell you how or when He will do that but I can’t :/ But hang in there. I love Psalm 113:9 Because it says that He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children. Did you catch that? He used children…plural. I am praying for you right now sugars. Hugs! xo

    2. Sarah, please know that you are not alone. The grief and pain you are experiencing are real and valid. I have a child and have been trying for two years for baby number 2 (with 2 miscarriages along the way). Secondary infertility can be a lonely road to walk because not only is it less common than general fertility but it can be difficult to find a support group who understands. Each month that passes is not only a month that I’m not pregnant but a reminder of the increasing age gap between my son and a future sibling. This loss has been hard – the dream of children close in age. My son has begun asking for a brother or sister to play with. It’s heartbreaking and I so wish I could provide him with a sibling. There’s also something about having a child and feeling that deep bond. I think it’s natural to desire this with a second child. Please know that you are not alone. I hope and pray that your miracle arrives soon.

      1. Thank you so much Jo for responding and providing so much support and encouragement! You are awesome!

      2. I really appreciate you responding to my comment and I can relate with everything you have said. My son has been asking for a baby sister for over a year and recently gave her a name. He just turned 4 and I would have loved to have been pregnant for his birthday but am not. I got blood work drawn Friday and go for a HSG on Tuesday. In the meantime, my son and I pray to God for his baby sister together 🙂 I pray that you receive your miracle baby soon for your child to have a sibling and again, thank you for responding 🙂

      3. Oh girl! I honestly can’t even begin to imagine secondary infertility. My heart goes out to you. I’m praying with you and am holding on to Mark 11:24 which says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” xo

  4. So when did you start reading minds? One of your many talents, I’m sure. I know all of these things so well. And I weep at the paragraph of “pleading with God.” Because my flesh so desperately desires a “yes,” but my heart has been praying for just an answer – His answer!

  5. On my lowest days, He always reminds me He is here. This morning on my way to work, you came into my heart and I prayed you were doing ok and that I would get an email from you. And what do you know, I got one! My prayer answered. Thank you for your words of encouragement and reminder that God is a miracle worker. I’m always so thankful that after I read your posts, not only am I encouraged in my infertility struggle, but more importantly it turns my eyes back to Him. Thank you again! I can only imagine how wonderful your treasure will be in heaven one day!

    1. Oh so thankful your prayers were answered! I almost didn’t publish this one today but something kept nudging me to do it. Perhaps it was God needing me to help be His hands and feet in answering your prayer. Which I am so humbled He used me. Hang in there sugars!! Xo

  7. So much of what you shared today resonates with me! I know we come from different religious perspectives, but I love that your words speak to me and encourage me even through our differences.
    In my opinion your words about hope, sadness and living (or not) through infertility cross all religious boundaries. And there is something in these words that will motivate any women to keep moving forward. And maybe even more important, or at least equally important, your words today let others know that they are not alone in this struggle.

    1. Awe thank you so much!! You are such an awesome supporter and encourager to me as well! So thank you!!! ❤️

    1. Awe thanks girl! But I don’t feel like I captured it fully. It’s so hard sometimes to put into words what is in your heart.

  10. Still praying for you, Elisha. God bless you in every moment of sadness and grief and send comfort when you need it most. Believing Him for your miracle, sweet friend. 🙂

    1. Oh thank you so much Cheryl. I am doing really well 🙂 Thank you for your prayers as always. You are such a blessing. xo

  12. Your posts touch me so deeply that I always shed tears ready them. Your gut wrenching and brutal honesty is something I know too. I have a 7 year old daughter who is my world. We have been trying for number 2 for 6 years now and it doesn’t get easier. I have to remind myself almost daily to give it to God. Keep posting, it’s therapeutic for me and many others.

    1. Oh hun! I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. It’s not easy is it? I can’t imagine how much tougher it must be to deal with secondary infertility. Because at the same time, you probably feel guilty for wanting another. But I hope you don’t. Never feel guilty for wanting more than one child. And thank you for your support and encouragement. It truly means so much to me. xoxo

  13. You always write so beautifully, and so on point. I’m actually in the midst of the calmest cycle I’ve ever had…but normally I’m so stressed and asking myself all of these questions every single day. Thank you again for your encouraging words. I hope we all have our dreams fulfilled some time soon. <3

    1. So good to hear you are doing so well and calm. Praise God for that! I’m praying for you sugars! xoxo

      1. Thank you! It baffles me why exactly I feel so zen right now…but I’m hoping that’s a good sign! 10 days until we know for sure…

  19. so very true. I was also naive and thought meds and treatments would quickly get us our baby. I couldn’t be more wrong… xx

  20. I am 25 years old and was married for 5 years. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism. I’ve taken fertility drugs and tried everything except IVF treatments. And I’ve been there, every month when my period would be a day late I’d get a pregnancy test just to later cry myself to sleep. Been the one on the side lines as I watch all of my friends have their 2nd or third child and asked to be a god parent ( I’m now up to 7 god children:) ). I’ve been the one who ask “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I be blessed with a child?” I listen to a lot of parents complain about the sleepless nights and the constant aggravation of no more “time to themselves” and I’m sitting here saying I’d gladly trade places with anyone of them. But now I’m recently divorced, and I look back and thank god for not letting me get pregnant during that time, maybe its a sign that right now just isn’t the time. I desperately want to carry a child, but I’ve accepted the fact I might have to adopt, and I’ve had a couple of friends offer to carry a child for me. So at the end of the day all of those tears I shed, still hurt, but maybe were for a bigger purpose. I still struggle with the hope, but I try to stay positive on my journey of one day becoming a mommy.

  21. So much of what you write is in my head….although I must admit I am not able to lean on God as you do. My husband and I have exhausted our options to build a family….the very dream He gave us….but would not fulfill. I do not know how anyone is able to see promise in that. Best of luck to you, though. I’m sure your stronger faith will be rewarded.

  22. I ran across this post yesterday, and it really hit home. I’m on my 3rd failed clomid cycle, and its extremely hard to explain to others how it feels. I feel like I could have wrote this, but not quite as well as you!

  23. This post is so true to what I’m going through…I want to thank God for you…to keep encouraging others despite the circumstances. May God continue to bless you and keep you.

  24. This is probably the best post I have ever read about infertility and how it affects you. It really explains how you feel everyday and how those feelings can strike at any moment. I have 5 angel babies and have been blessed with two in between those . Never give up hope. ❤️

    1. Oh thank you so much sugars. I am so sorry you have lost five babies. You are such a strong woman! I admire you. Xo

  25. Thank you for your honesty and truth…I get it…all of it. Your words really resonate deeply and I don’t feel so alone. I hope you have a good weekend and keep believing. 🙂

  27. That was powerful! You perfectly described the raw, heartbreaking pain and emptiness that the different stages and experiences of infertility bring. My husband and I have been dealing with infertility for about a year and a half, and while it makes me so sad that there are so many others experiencing infertility, it has helped me so much to read blogs with other women’s perspective and know I’m not the only one. Thanks so much for sharing your story and your thoughts and for your encouragement to have hope and faith that miracles will come from the very situations that we can’t understand.

  28. Thank you for this. Thank you so much for putting into words what my heart is feeling. I read the post over and over again because it’s so good. Thank you.

    1. oh thank you so much Crystal for commenting! I am so thankful that I was able to put into words what your heart was feeling. xoxo

  29. Wow, it’s like you know my every thought. Very touching blog post.

  31. You have hit the nail on the head once more. There are people really close to me that do not seem to understand the despair I feel. I wish I could tell them “Go read Elisha’s post!” But because I don’t at least I know there is someone out there who knows exactly what I’m feeling! THANK YOU! I also re-blogged this @ http://jollysview.blogspot.com/

    1. I so wish your family could read this blog as well :/ Perhaps you could share it on your facebook wall? Also, thank you for the reblog! Such a huge compliment 🙂 xo

  32. I’m pretty sure the Holy Spirit prompted you to write this post for me. I’ve felt a loneliness I can’t describe lately and it’s all thanks to infertility. 5 years ago, I had so much hope! And little by little it’s been chipped away at and it feels like there isn’t much hope left. My faith is still strong, I’m grateful for that. Lately I’ve really felt God whisper to me that He wants to restore my hope and this beautiful post fit right in with that. Thanks so much for the encouragement! 🙂

  33. Now that I’m a foster mom I can go to the park and have a child out there I can call mine, even though he’s “not really” my child. But as I look at the 3 moms around me I see that two are pregnant, one very much so and the other just starting to show. The third mom has a crawling baby in front of us. They talk about pregnancy, and I can understand why it is so forefront in their minds. They talk about nursing, and labor, and above all – being done. They’d all decided this was their last one and they knew it; they would be done growing their families. I tried to distance myself emotionally as I had nothing to add except comments of my mother or of friends.

    1. Lost half of my comment as wordpress tried to log me in and I don’t have a wordpress with that email anymore and…. *frustration*
      The emotions didn’t hit me for a couple of days, not until I was laying thinking about how much I don’t fit in. I guess in some ways I thought being a foster mom would help. I’ve always wanted to be a part of the mom group, I gotta kid now and that means I can join, right? But a foster kid isn’t a ticket into their inner-circle, and it never will be. In many ways it just pointed out how different I really am.

      1. Girl, I know whatcha mean. We never intended to be foster parents…it was something not in our plans and is still hard for me to wrap my mind around on some days. But I often cringe when I hear women tell me they will become foster parents to fill the void in their hearts. Because honestly? It doesn’t fill “the void.” Don’t get me wrong…it’s amazing and I love being her foster mommy but it doesn’t satisfy the feeling a person has to be a mommy. Hugs to you sugars! Xo 💗

  34. It’s 5 years this month that we started trying. 60 months. 60 times my heart has broken, my faith has been tested, my hope is challenged. But 60 times I have chosen to lift my eyes to my Father in heaven and conceded Not my Will but Thine and deepen my trust in Him to fill the empty places. Each month has its disappointments, but there is Victory each month too, it just doesn’t look as we hoped it would. I just found your blog this week and your words have resonated with my soul. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I even had my husband read it, you couldn’t have described infertility more accurately. Praying for your miracle!

    1. Oh hun I am so sorry for your struggles! It’s not easy is it? But I just admire your strength and faith!! I know that God is good and He is faithful. I am trusting and believing that the desires He has birthed in your heart will one day be fulfilled. I am praying for you this afternoon. Xo

    1. Girl I hope you know how much admire you and your strength! I am just in awe when I read your blog posts. Be looking in the mail box soon 🙂 xo

  36. Alicia i have to tell you that u nailed this post and the feelings and emotions that u go thru when dealing with infertility.
    I replied to one of your posts before about a year ago on josiah day and i just wanted to tell u to never giv up on your dream ive realized in my journey that even tho we want things when we want them that Gods timing is always perfect i located your blog off of evangelines blog one day when i was ready to finally just accept whatever was gonna happen with my life whether id ever be a mother or not .
    I never truly gave up because God always sent me the message of Abraham and Sarah but i wanted to be ok with my life whatever the outcome
    I can look back now and understand y i went thru the things that i did but in the moment they never quite make sense
    But after countless attempts of goin to ivf and never being able to start cause life would get in the way and a failed cycle my husband and i finally welcomed our baby girl 7days before our 8th wedding anniversary after 7Years of trying. We both are 37years old and isnt 7Gods number so never giv up because God put that dream in your heart for a reason. And it will come to pass ☺

  37. Beautifully written. After 11 years, I can tell you that it doesn’t get easier, but it can be manageable. I have found those who support me. I have become more open about my situation. I have learned to trust that God’s plan for my life is BETTER than what I had planned. I don’t believe it every second of every day, but I am realizing that, as the years go by, the belief fills more of my time than my sorrows do. One last thing–I never trust doctors–GOD is always in control! Just an opinion, but it’s gotten me through some tough times and allowed me to find things that will help me personally. 🙂 HUGS to all of you gals.

    1. Mynn, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I couldn’t agree with you more on everything you said. God’s plan for our lives is far better than anything we could ever dream, think or imagine. And I am with you on doctors…God can use them but we should never put our trust in them. We should always, always put our hope and trust in God. Once again, thank you for sharing your heart with me today. xo

  38. I feel like you’ve been walking around in my skin these last few years. I imagine you wrote this through tears as I would have, just thanking God that in your despair you can give someone hope. Thank you for you’re openness.

    1. It took a few days to write this post. I remember the first day I started to write this came from a day when all I could do was cry but not sure why I was actually crying. (I blame it on the hormones) Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Your encouragement means so much to me as well. xo

  39. You are oh so rght about infertility. It is such an incredibly difficult journey and one you truly never “get over.” I feel so badly for everyone who has gone through this…..and especially you because you are such an amazing woman.(I just realized how long ago this was posted, but you are still just as amazing)

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  41. Ms. Elisha, you are someone very special. Thank you for putting my heart’s feelings into words. Blessings.

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